Avery had thought the hardest part would be pretending. So she'd feel comfortable. So everyone else wouldn't sense any tension between them. He'd thought maybe it had been a mistake to invite her when they hadn't spent an evening together in months. He'd thought that maybe she'd show up as Juliette Barnes the superstar, working the party like she did those industry deals she attended all the time. He hadn't expected her to come in, nervousness all over her face, holding her gift out to him like a peace offering. She wore jeans and lip gloss and had her hair pulled back in a simple ponytail. She looked like the woman he'd befriended a few short years ago. She looked like the woman he fell in love with.
The hardest part was not putting his arm around her while they sat next to each other on Gunnar's couch. The hardest part was not leaning in to listen to her hum as she fed Cadence her bottle. The hardest part was not saying to hell with it and telling her the truth, that he didn't want to give up on their marriage when it had barely begun. But he'd already tried setting it all aside as if it didn't matter. That hadn't worked.
She'd come back home for her album launch and threw a party, filling their house with strangers just hours after telling the world how much she'd missed her family. He could tell by the panicked expression on her face that she hadn't expected him to show up there. She cleared the house and apologized with tears in her eyes. He believed her. He forgave her.
With the baby sleeping, there was time for him to love her like he'd wanted to do for weeks. They made a mess of the sheets. He strummed his fingers over her body until she was gasping under his touch. Then she cupped his face in her palms and said, "I love you, Avery." He told her to say it again and she did, whispering it over and over, her lips near his ear and her hand resting on his heart.
He'd been willing to give up everything he wanted for himself to go out on the road with her, even willing to put up with her hiring Jeff as her manager - anything as long as he and Cadence could be with her. But then she'd left again without so much as a word and it was almost as if she'd never been there to begin with.
He thought of how many times he'd woken up in the middle of the night, reaching for her across the mattress, his fingers groping nothing but dead space. And then he'd lay there and stare at the ceiling, wondering how his life had caved in on him and what he could have done to stop it.
When he looked back on it with the clarity of hindsight, he could see how Juliette had changed a little more every day after they brought the baby home. At first, she was happy. In fact, she was happier than he'd ever seen her. She wouldn't put their daughter down, even when the baby was sleeping, even when he reminded her of his mother's advice, that she should sleep when the baby did.
"I will," she said. But then she wouldn't and he'd often find that she'd fallen asleep with the baby on her chest, her back against the pillows on their bed.
At first, he'd blamed the change in her behavior on exhaustion; they did have a newborn after all. But it was more than that. She'd stopped singing to Cadence. Stopped rocking their daughter to sleep. She was stiff when she held the baby. At night, he could feel her body tense when they heard the baby's cries through the monitor. She was annoyed by everything and increasingly frustrated by the status of her career. He didn't understand it, but could see that she was closing herself off, tucking a hardness around herself and folding in where he couldn't reach her.
Their daughter was only three weeks old when she jumped up and flew to LA to finish that Patsy song. She had not said anything to him about leaving and didn't answer her phone for hours after he knew her jet would have landed. She finally called him back, saying she would be home in a few days. As if it were no big deal.
Meanwhile Cadence, who had only known the warmth of her mother's breast, fought the bottle, crying until her chin quivered and he thought she'd make herself sick. He was near his wit's end when his mother finally got there from the airport. It was her idea to swaddle Cadence in one of Juliette's shirts while she was eating so she could at least catch the smell of her mother from the fabric and that worked to get her to accept the artificial nipple.
After Juliette joined Luke's tour and he went to his parents', he found that same shirt in the bottom of one of the bags he'd hurriedly packed before confronting his wife. He must have grabbed it when he was snatching shirts and socks from drawers and tossing them inside a suitcase, all the while hoping he wouldn't have to use it. Hoping she'd see sense and get help. Of course, she hadn't. Those first nights in Ohio, Avery put the shirt next to Cadence as she lay in the unfamiliar crib his parents had gotten for his old bedroom. It seemed to comfort her and sometimes he'd find her sleeping with her body facing that way, little hands curled up against the cotton of her mother's shirt.
One day he accidentally washed it with a load of baby clothes. He pulled it out of his mother's dryer and held it in front of him, thinking of how Juliette wore it on and off during her last weeks of pregnancy because it was one of the only shirts she could still fit. A white shirt with a musical staff and notes that ran across it. She'd been wearing it when he proposed. She'd worn it one night when she had insomnia and he found her lying on the couch, buried beneath the denim quilt his grandmother had made for him, the one she hated, her eyes bleary from watching infomercials all night.
She'd worn it the day before he left to go on tour with the band and they'd lain in bed together. She had lifted the shirt up so they could watch her belly jump as their daughter moved inside of her. She placed his hand on a bump that may have been Cadence's leg or possibly an arm and said, her voice full of wonder, "Three weeks. Can you believe that?"
She wore it home from the hospital. She was tired and sore, but refused to lay the baby in her bassinet. "She's so beautiful," she'd said, looking at him, her eyes glistening with tears. "I can't believe she's ours."
Avery would never admit to anyone that he used to pull the shirt from Cadence's crib and hold it up to his nose and inhale, wondering if she would contact him before the smell of her had completely faded away. And then it was gone, replaced by the clean scent of laundry detergent. She was gone. He'd covered his face with one hand and cried right there in his parents' laundry room, her shirt hanging at his side.
He'd quickly realized that if he dwelled on how she'd thrown them away, he could start to hate her and he didn't want that. He couldn't stop the anger that grew more with every day that passed. He couldn't stop the pain of having to raise Cadence alone, knowing that she should have been there. But he couldn't hate her, not even when he told himself it was for the best to push her out of his mind. Even then she remained in his heart.
Now, he didn't know how to get beyond his hurt. He wanted so desperately to believe that she wouldn't toss them to the side again. But he was terrified. She could destroy him. She'd done it before. And God help him if he set his heart on that altar for her to slaughter him again.
Scarlett felt as if she hadn't truly laughed in a long time, but she couldn't stop the laughter that bubbled up as they exchanged the gag gifts. She giggled when Kevin unwrapped the oversized adult bibs and put one on saying he'd wear it the next time Will barbequed. She chuckled when Erin traded her Brazilian Butt Lift for Caleb's Rake Hands. And she had to cover her mouth with her hands to stifle a snort when Gunnar unwrapped the talking toilet paper holder that quipped, "Please remain seated during the performance."
For the first time in months she felt like she was coming out of something, out of the dark place that she'd been in since Deacon got sick. Singing helped, always. Caleb had been a source of joy at one point. Of comfort. But not now. She frowned, realizing that she couldn't even remember the last time they'd laughed together. She could accept that he didn't have Avery's wry sense of humor, which she'd had to grow into appreciating. And she knew everyone wasn't like Gunnar, who was playful as much as he was serious, but Caleb was something else entirely. She'd meant what she told Zoey, that he could sometimes be like hugging a textbook. At the time, she'd felt bad for blurting it out across the table, but it was true. More and more he was joyless. Critical of the band, of the time she spent making music. He would always back down if she called him on the negative comments he made, but she knew he thought his career was far, far more important than hers. Doctoring was obviously important, but music had saved her life. Singing had helped her find herself when she had been lost. Scarlett didn't think Caleb would ever understand that. She didn't know if he would even try to understand how important music was to her. And that made her question everything about their relationship. She knew love didn't always feel good - that was a fact she'd known since childhood, but she wanted her relationship to feel like the first note of a song she never wanted to end. She didn't have that with Caleb.
She accepted her refilled glass of wine from him and then scooted so he could fit on the couch next to her. He gave her a brief smile and she leaned into the curve of his body and crossed her legs.
"We should probably go after we finish this glass."
"It's still early," she said. He didn't say anything, but tightened his arm around her, pulling her closer. She sipped from her glass, watching as Avery chose the gift she'd brought, the largest one left under the tree.
"This is heavy," he said as he lifted it and carried it back to the couch.
She sat up so she could watch his reaction and he pulled the paper off in long strips, revealing the gel toilet seat cushion. She couldn't help laughing at the baffled expression on his face.
"What in the world?" Gunnar said, his mouth hanging open in awe.
"I would have killed for one of those when I was pregnant," Juliette said, pausing in the act of bouncing the baby on her knee to squeeze the toilet cushion. "Would have been great to rest my arms on while I was puking my guts out."
"I can appreciate that, but even still I think I'd rather trade this for something else," Avery said. He pointed at Will and traded the toilet seat for a Wallet Ninja instead.
Juliette gave the baby to Avery before getting up to pick up the one remaining box. She returned to her space on the couch and unwrapped a Snuggie with little penguins printed all over it.
"Oh, my God," she said. "I actually wanted one of these!" She opened the box and pulled the huge fleece blanket into her lap. "I saw the commercial for these a hundred times when I had insomnia. I almost ordered one."
"I remember," Avery said. "I had to threaten to take your phone away to stop you."
Juliette held her hands out for Cadence. "Come here, baby girl. Come snuggle with mama under her Snuggie." She draped the blanket over her lap, covering both her and Cadence's legs.
"Is everybody happy with their gift?" Gunnar asked.
"How could I be happy with this?" Will asked, holding the toilet seat up in the air. "Don't be surprised to see this thing under the tree again next year."
"Well, I'm very pleased with my EZ egg cracker," Scarlett said, raising her glass in Gunnar's direction. "Next time I make omelets for ten people, it might come in handy."
Caleb squeezed her shoulders, reminding her again that he was ready to leave. She glanced over at him. "All right," she said, her voice low. "I get it." She downed the rest of her wine in a gulp and got up, gathering the ripped wrapping paper from their gifts and took it to the kitchen to stuff it in the trashcan. She noticed Gunnar's plate on the counter, piled high with rib bones, and resisted the urge to start cleaning.
Erin walked in with her coat in her hand and got another cookie from the almost empty platter. "Night," she said, raising her arm in a kind of salute before leaving the kitchen. Scarlett waved and watched her walk back into the living room. She was beginning to think Erin's relationship with Gunnar wasn't everything she'd imagined it to be. On the road the past few weeks, they seemed to be having a good time with each other, but Erin had been unusually quiet at the party and as the evening wore on, she looked as if she wasn't enjoying herself that much. She'd hardly said anything during the gift exchange.
Maybe it's just an off night for them too, she thought. Lord knows I can sympathize with that.
Caleb walked in, setting his wine glass on the counter. "I'll get our coats."
Scarlett was just about to nod, resigned to ending her evening early than she wanted, when she heard a guitar and then Will singing, "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." She glanced over the counter into the living room and watched as Kevin joined in, his voice complimenting Will's perfectly.
"Wait," she said. "I want to stay for a bit."
Caleb rolled his eyes. "Scarlett, come on. We agreed to leave after the gifts." He took a step towards her. "It was your idea."
"I told you, you can go," she said, snatching Gunnar's plate from the counter and dumping it in the trash. She grabbed their empty wine glasses and took them to the sink, turning her back to him. "I can get somebody to drop me off."
"Is that what you want to do?"
She heard the impatience in his voice. His tone was begging for an argument. For a brief moment she thought about what she was asking for, wondering if maybe it was too much. She shrugged, carefully setting the glasses in the sink, holding the stems to make sure they didn't bump each other. "I can stay by myself or we can stay for just a while longer." She twisted the faucet and ran her fingers under the stream of cold water for a few seconds before turning to face him. He hadn't moved and she waited for his reaction, for him to push back again, but he just looked at her for a long moment and then nodded.
"Fine, we'll stay."
She stayed in the kitchen, listening to Will, Kevin and Avery, who had moved to a chair so he could have room for his guitar without hitting Juliette or the baby.
Caleb returned to his seat on the couch, his face pinched and sullen. She sighed and leaned her hip against the counter, knowing that argument she'd been trying to avoid all evening was imminent. That her Christmas Eve would end with terse words and accusations. Even an apology wouldn't make much difference, which was just as well, because she didn't feel like telling Caleb she was sorry for wanting to stay in the warmth of Gunnar's house for a while longer.
We were never gonna be enough for each other, she thought. It eased her mind to finally admit it to herself.
She rounded the counter and took the seat Avery had left open, next to Juliette. She held her hand out to Cadence, smiling as the baby's fingers circled one of hers. Will and Avery started playing the final notes of the song and she joined in for the last line, her voice high and clear.
Erin leaned over the couch and ruffled Gunnar's hair. "I'm gonna go ahead and get out of here," she said.
Gunnar tilted his head up to look at her looming over him. "It's still early."
"I know, but I gotta get up in the morning and get to my mom's so…"
"All right. Well, glad you came," he stood up to walk her to the door, grabbing another cookie as he walked past the plate. "I'll see you in a few days, I guess."
"Right," she said, stopping at the door. She turned around to look at him. "We've had fun, yeah?"
He shrugged. "Yeah, we have."
"I think you're looking for more than that though," she said, narrowing her eyes at him. She continued before he could speak. "Just…don't say anything, Gunnar. Remember how I told you that you were transparent?"
"Yes."
"Well, you are. And I don't think what we've got is what you want." He tried to figure out how to respond to that when she reached up and kissed his cheek. "See you around."
He watched her walk towards her car, thinking that hanging out with her made him feel a little like he had after Jason died and he got caught up in trying to be some sort of imitation outlaw. Trying to live a life that wasn't for him. He didn't want a girl this year and then next year a different one. Two years ago it was Scarlett, then Zoey (though she'd run off to LA right before Christmas) and now Erin. He just didn't want to live like that. He wanted someone who understood his need to put down roots. Someone who would be family to him.