Avery loved that his daughter enjoyed music so much. She sat in her mother's lap, waving her arms in the air as she watched them sing "White Christmas." Her mouth formed a circle as she squealed and he chuckled at her excitement.
Everybody had joined in the singing except Juliette, even after Gunnar tried prompting her.
"Not much for Christmas songs," she replied with a shrug.
Gunnar glanced at him and Avery shook his head a tiny bit, hoping he would leave it alone. So far, Juliette seemed to be enjoying herself and he hoped to keep it that way. Two more songs and Scarlett finally held up her hands and said that she and Caleb were going to head home, but Gunnar insisted on one more.
"Sing with us," he said, bumping Juliette's shoulder with his. She shook her head. "Come on. It's the last one. We'll do something you know." He furrowed his brow as he thought. "'Celebrate Me Home.' You know it, right?"
Juliette briefly closed her eyes and Avery guessed that she wished he would have chosen a different song.
"I do," she finally said.
"Great. You can sing lead," Gunnar said.
Juliette's eyes opened wide and he could see her shoulders tense. He almost spoke up for her, but Scarlett jumped in before he could.
"It's okay," she said, looking at Juliette. "We'll back you up."
Juliette turned to her and frowned a bit, and Avery was sure she was going to tell them she didn't want to sing. He would have supported her if she had, but she surprised him by nodding at Scarlett. "All right," she said, biting her lip as she looked over at him.
He adjusted his guitar on his lap but paused before touching the strings, his eyes silently asking her if she was okay. She smiled a little and shrugged. He returned her smile, hoping to reassure her, before playing the opening chords of the song.
She scooted forward a little on the couch, balancing the baby on her lap as she sang. "Home for the holidays. I believe I've missed each and every face. Come on and-"
She broke off, the verse ending raggedly as she shook her head, unable to finish. She wiped her eyes with one hand and Scarlett reached over to put an arm around her shoulders. Will stopped playing his guitar, looking first at Juliette and then at Avery. Avery paid him no mind and kept playing, kept staring at Juliette until she looked up at him. He finished the verse she had begun, "It's time I found myself totally surrounded in your circle with all my friends."
He kept his eyes on hers, prompting her to join in and she did, ignoring her tears as they sang together. They finished the song that way, with everyone joining in for the chorus, but as far as Avery was concerned, it was just the two of them blending their voices into a harmonious duet.
Scarlett felt a great peace come over her as she sang. It was how she'd hoped to feel on Christmas, relaxed and warm. She could have stayed all night, singing song after song, but from the sharp looks Caleb kept throwing her, she knew she was testing his patience. That last song would definitely be their last, even if Gunnar suggested another.
"Get our coats?" She said to Caleb as she stood from the couch. She grabbed her EZ egg cracker from where she'd set it on the floor and then said her goodbyes. When she turned around, she bumped into Gunnar who had walked up behind her. "Sorry," she said, placing her hands on his arm to steady herself.
"No problem."
"I'll just get my platter later," she said, motioning towards the cookies. She slid her purse on her shoulder and brushed past him to start down the short hallway to the front door. Caleb stood just inside, her coat hanging over his arm as he jingled his keys in his hand. She'd only taken a few steps toward him when she noticed the mistletoe hanging above the door and she stopped walking, her feet refusing to take another step. "I forgot something," she said. "Go on to the car. I'll be right out."
She spun around and went back into the living room, suddenly remembering that she had left her earrings on the mantle. Gunnar walked over to her when she went to retrieve them.
"Hey," he said. "I just wanted to apologize for earlier. I wasn't trying to be an ass about the pajamas. I mean, I know I ended up being one, but I wasn't trying to-"
"Don't worry about it," she said, cutting off his rambling. She tucked the earrings in her purse. "The gifts were kind of your thing. I just wanted to get Cadence something nice since Avery was so worried about how her first Christmas would go and, well, you know."
"Yeah, I know," he said. He followed her as she started towards the door. "And thanks for making the cookies. Those Caleb's favorite?"
Scarlett's eyebrows rose and she ducked her head to hide her smile. She would bet he hadn't meant to say that last part and that it had slipped out before he could stop himself. She slowed her steps so that they were walking side by side. "Nope. They're mine. Figured I'd make something that I like this year."
"Might be my new favorite kind too."
"Well, you didn't choke on any this time," she said. "So that's an improvement." She opened the door, but paused before stepping outside. She didn't want to pry into his business, but she was tempted to ask if he and Erin were okay or if she should be worried about having to replace her before they went back out on tour.
"You all right?" He asked.
She rocked back on her heels, surprised at his question. "Funny, I was gonna ask you the same thing."
"I'm good."
"Me too," she said, glancing at him through her lashes. "I better get out there. It's late."
"Yeah."
She stepped out on the porch, watching as Caleb turned his car around in a neighbor's driveway down the street.
"Thanks for coming."
She turned around to thank him for the invitation and once more remembered the mistletoe over her head. On impulse she stood on tiptoe and pressed her lips to his in a kiss that lasted just a few seconds. His lips were warm and sweet. "I had a good time," she said, squeezing his hand. "Talk to you later."
She took slow steps to Caleb's car despite the chill in the air and her lack of a coat. There was an argument brewing, one that would probably lead to the end of her relationship, but she was fine with that. The next day was Christmas. She figured she'd probably go to her uncle's house, maybe make another batch of thumbprint clues and let Christmas movies play in the background while she called Zoey and caught up with her. Maybe she'd write a song, she thought. She smiled to herself, song lyrics already churning in her mind. This had been exactly want she needed.
Avery set his guitar aside and moved back to the couch next to Juliette. Cadence had fallen asleep in her mother's arms, lulled to sleep by the singing. "I can take her up," He offered.
She glanced up at him, her eyes still wet with tears and shook her head slightly, then looked down and ran her fingers over the baby's brow. "Not just yet," she said softly.
He put his hand on her arm. "You can bring her up if you want. Lay her down."
She nodded and he led her up the stairs to the room he and Cadence shared and stood by the door, watching as she approached the crib, rocking the baby and then kissing her forehead. He swore he'd never seen her so beautiful as she was right then, holding their daughter in her arms, with no jewelry save for her wedding ring and wearing a sweater that was probably stained beyond redemption. She took his breath away. She always had. She wasn't even trying.
"Goodnight, baby girl. I love you." She stood there a minute more before placing Cadence in her crib. "God, she reminds me so much of you."
"Really?" He didn't see it. He saw so much of Juliette in Cadence it was sometimes painful. He walked to the crib and stood next to her, watching at she smoothed the baby's hair away from her face.
"Yeah," she said as if it were obvious. "When she smiles, her eyes light up just like yours." She lightly drummed her fingertips against the crib railing. "I love making her laugh," she said softly. She looked over at him and took a deep breath. "Thank you for that with the song. I'm sorry I got so emotional."
"Don't apologize for that. I'll always do that for you," he said. They stared at each other for a beat and he hoped she could tell that he meant what he'd said. Musically, he'd always encourage her. That was a promise he would keep no matter what.
"Can I tell you something?"
"Anything," he said.
"I was really scared," she began, backing away from the crib. She took a few steps towards the door before stopping in the front of his bed. "Even when I was still carrying her, I was so scared. You were so sure I'd be a great mom and I didn't want to disappoint you. I tried not to think about it but I just knew I was gonna do something wrong." She paused, wrapping her arms around herself before she continued. "Then she came early, and that was probably my fault for having that tantrum over the stupid baby shower. And you almost didn't make it and that would have been my fault too. And it was like, already I was failing."
"Juliette," he said, stepping towards her. "You can't blame yourself for-"
"Avery," she said. "Please."
He stopped and waited for her to continue.
"When she came, she was perfect. And I finally had the family I'd been wanting for so long. Those first couple days, I felt like the happiest woman in the world." She cast a wistful glance towards the crib before looking at him. "But then…I just wasn't. Like I woke up one morning and it was gone. I was…confused. All of those fears came back. I was afraid she wasn't getting enough milk when I nursed her. I was terrified that I might drop her. What if she died in her sleep? And I couldn't - I couldn't turn it off. All of it was so overwhelming. I thought maybe if I did that song and went to LA and just got away for a few days that when I came back, I'd feel better." She shook her head, glancing up at the ceiling as if she were trying to hold back tears. "But I didn't. It was even worse, like I was suffocating under all these thoughts that just would not stop. And I was so angry about everything. I tried to pretend like I was okay and sometimes that worked. I thought maybe a lot of new mothers felt like I did and that it would get easier as she got older." She shrugged. "I'd wanted her so much and I couldn't understand why I didn't…couldn't be around her. It didn't make sense to me because I knew that I loved her, but…there were nights when I would lie next to you and cry, terrified that she would wake up and I'd have to go get her. I hated myself for feeling that way. I felt like I was losing control and I just wanted to be somewhere safe. Somewhere I could be my old self. For me, that's in the studio and on that stage." She stopped and he noticed the tears had spilled from her eyes and were freely coursing down her cheeks. "This probably isn't making any sense to you."
"No," he said. "It is." He crossed the room and sat down on the bed motioning for her to sit next to him. She sank down on the mattress and wiped her face.
"And then everything was so screwed up," she shook her head as if she were confused. "I was gone and I couldn't figure out how to get back to you. I didn't think I should come back. I missed you. I missed both of you, but I thought maybe it was better for you and Cadence if I stayed away. I know that probably sounds selfish, but it seemed like the right decision. I had already messed up being her mother and she was only a few weeks old. I didn't want to wreck her like Mama…" Her words broke off and she covered her face with her hands.
Avery put his hand on her shoulder, swallowing over the lump in his throat. He didn't say anything, knowing that she wanted to finish.
"That's when I started using. Anything I could get that would make me feel dead inside. I had all these people around me and it was the loneliest I've ever been. I missed you so much I thought my heart would split from it. But when I came home, it was like I couldn't breathe again. So I left." She glanced at him, a pained expression on her face. "I didn't do that to hurt you, Avery. I just couldn't let you come out on the road with me. But when Gunnar told me Cadence was sick, I was gonna try and push through it, like you said. I wanted to try for her. I thought I could. But then you told me it was over - that we were over and I wouldn't be her mother anymore and that I would be nothing to you."
The look of devastation on her face was like nothing he'd ever seen before. He rubbed her shoulder, willing himself not to cry.
"I just wanted to disappear," she whispered.
That broke him. He couldn't stop the tears that fell. That was the last thing he'd wanted. He'd wanted to help her. She was sick and he knew it even if she refused to accept it and yet, even as her husband, he hadn't been able to help her. He wiped his face and moved his hands to his lap, thinking about how powerless he'd felt, watching her spin further and further away and having no way to stop her. He'd once swore that he'd walk through hell to save her and while he certainly felt battered and blistered from what he'd been through, he realized he hadn't kept his promise. He could admit it now that his anger at her had ebbed away.
He cleared his throat, running one hand through his hair before he spoke. "I thought when we brought her home that we'd be the family I always wanted," he said, his voice low. "Like mine growing up. Well, I want to be a more understanding father to Cadence than mine ever was to me. And I didn't think you'd be a stay at home mom like my mother was. I just thought you'd be my Juliette. We'd have our careers and our baby and we'd be all right."
She reached for his hand, covering his with own. "I am so sorry it didn't happen that way." She squeezed his fingers so that he looked up at her. "Avery, you are the only person I've ever been able to share my deepest secrets with but I couldn't really explain all of this before. More than anything I wish I would have listened to you and gotten help. We wouldn't be here now if I wasn't so damaged. This is-"
"Don't say that," he interrupted, his eyes on her. "I've never thought of you that way. Never."
He had thought she was selfish. And he'd even questioned if she'd truly wanted the baby or the marriage. Looking back, it seemed ridiculous. He knew she wanted a family. They'd had those conversations many times. And he knew that she loved him. He'd seen the love reflected in her eyes all evening long. "I could never think of you as damaged, Juliette. Not when you've overcome so much. You're one of the strongest women I know," he said. "And I owe you an apology."
"What are you talking about?" she asked, narrowing her eyes at him. "You have nothing to apologize for."
"I didn't think about what the post-partum depression felt like for you. I knew you were sick and I just kept telling you to push through it, not really realizing that you couldn't. I'm sorry for that."
"Avery, please don't do that. I don't think you could have done anything more than hit me over the head and drag me to get help." She squeezed his hand again. "This isn't what either of us expected, but I have PPD. I feel much better than before and I am so grateful that I was able to get the help I needed, but it's a journey. I'll probably be in therapy for a long time and I'm okay with that. I want to get better. I want to be the best mama I can be for our daughter. Don't you feel at fault for anything. You helped me by trusting me with Cadence. Being able to bond with her made all the difference. Thank you for that."
"You're welcome." He pulled her close and wrapped his arms around her, his palms flat as he smoothed them against her back. She felt the same. She smelled the same, and he inhaled deeply, resisting the urge to bury his face in her hair.
Her cell phone buzzed and she pulled away to take it out of her pocket. "That must be Bo," she said. "I told him 11:00. He'll be here soon." She stood up from the bed and walked over to the crib. "Love you, baby girl. Mama will see you soon." She turned away from the baby, watching as he stood up from the bed. "I didn't tell you all that to make you feel bad."
He shoved his hands in his pockets. "I didn't think you did," he said. "I'm glad you told me."
She nodded and then gestured towards the door, "I should get my things."
"Yeah," he agreed as she walked past him and into the hallway. He followed her down the stairs.
Will paused in the doorway and rested his shoulder against the frame. Kevin turned around, his face quizzical. "Thought you were coming with me?"
"I am."
"Then what are-" He glanced up at the mistletoe and then back at Will. "That was your idea, wasn't it?"
Will shrugged. "Maybe."
Kevin rolled his eyes. "You are such a romantic."
"Just shut up and come here."
As they kissed the thought crossed his mind that if any of their neighbors happened to be looking out of a window, he and Kevin were probably giving them a yuletide shock. He grinned into the kiss before pulling back. "I love you," he said.
For the first time he could remember, Will could give a steer's ass what anybody else thought.
Juliette had refolded her Snuggie and put it back in its box while Avery got her coat from the closet. "Bo's out there?" He asked.
She slid the coat on and peered through the front door. "Yeah."
"I could have taken you home," he said.
She turned around to face him. "Nah. I think Gunnar is too full of the Christmas spirit to see about Cadence if she did happen to wake up. And I got Bo's gift back at the house anyway."
He nodded.
"Thank you for inviting me, Avery. I really enjoyed myself."
"I'm glad you came," he said. "If you want, we can come over tomorrow morning."
Her eyes opened wide. "Really?"
He shrugged and smiled. "It's Christmas."
She threw herself into his arms, almost bowling him over with the force of it. "Thank you, Avery. So much." He wrapped his arms around her and squeezed. As he let her go, his arm bumped the wall, hitting the light switch. He blinked into the sudden darkness as the porch light went off. She stepped back and they both looked up at light, dimly able to make out the mistletoe dangling over their heads.
Gunnar Scott, he thought.
She started to walk away, pretend she hadn't seen it. He grabbed her arm to stop her. "Juliette, wait." She turned around and he pulled her back and then cupped her face with his fingers. "Merry Christmas," he said, leaning over to kiss her forehead.
"Merry Christmas," she said.
She turned to walk away and he flicked the light switch back on, leaving that one light shining for her.