There are the moments in life, when buildings and streetlights whiz past, the right song playing, the right person in proximity, where real peace is achieved. The kind of peace where you can close your eyes and just feel the serene sensation across your body. The kind of peace that'd make you stare with cow eyes at that right person and trick you in believing that this is enough.
That this is what you want, and nothing else.
Yet as the song comes to an end, the street reaching an intersection, the right person waving goodbye, it disintegrates, as one might expect from an illusion. Because that was all it was, a fleeting illusion.
Nonetheless you begin to treasure the short-lived deception. It after all allowed you to believe that the fantasy you longed for was possible. Your heart engulfed in hope so potent, you sense it coursing through your very soul.
And it does not matter the countless of times your hopes are shattered from cruel reality, one would rather hold onto radiant moments than the dismal realization.
Keith was hopelessly in love with someone he was unable to have.
With the one person who was always in arm's-reach, yet was always so far.
With someone who he could talk to, but not really.
How do you honestly tell someone you love them when they've never shown interest in you?
Keith was excellent in withholding his feelings. No matter how much he'd wish for an opportunity to bring them into the light.
There are moments when someone feels adrift in their own worries, allowing the worries to drag them down and then thrust them up to the surface on command. Concerns drag you deep into the peace and security of withholding them. Only to propel you to the surface of reality where you are bombarded by the 'what ifs' of your anxieties.
It is painless and trouble-free to stay in the depths of your fears than to rise up and face them.
How could someone face being bisexual? How could someone, with complete confidence, admit that to themselves and those they hold dear?
Lance pondered the decision to stay safe and sound in the dark abyss or break the surface into the harsh unknown.
It was easier to drift along the ocean floor.
Confronting his fears wouldn't just be admitting his true sexuality. It would be admitting he was in love.
As he waved goodbye, Lance retreated into his worries once more sinking into the comforting depths.
Every Saturday without fail, Lance appeared just as the sun was setting with his board in hand. He'd knock on Keith's door in a different rhythm every week. Lance would smile when Keith stepped outside his shared apartment, and without fail yank Keith down the stairs and onto their sacred route.
From the moment Lance knew Keith could skate, he had begged Keith to teach him. Keith had, of course refused at first, however Lance wasn't someone he could say no to. Then, from the moment Lance knew how to, would drag Keith along on a curious route through the quiet park, down the cobbled alleyways, around the cosmopolitan city, and back to Lance's house. Without fail, keeping the same route and routine from the start.
Yet one day Lance was noticeably quieter than usual, his knock unenthusiastic, Keith took little notice. As they were racing through the park Lance just, halted. Keith didn't take notice, more concerned on achieving victory against Lance to the limit of the park's path. However when Keith looked back grinning to gloat that he had been winning, he saw Lance on his knees, head in his hands, body shivering, and his board rolling away.
Keith felt the cold shot of panic run through him. He kicked up his board and ran full sprint towards Lance, only assuming the worst.
Lance had tears running down his face, he was sobbing. And all Keith could do was stare in shock, his eyes wide and mouth agape.
It wasn't until Lance's watery eyes looked up towards him that Keith sprung into action. He tugged Lance into his chest and awkwardly placed his arms around him, not knowing how to properly comfort him.
"Lance shhh, what's wrong? you can't break down in the middle of the park like this, c'mon tell me what's wrong."
Lance retracted from Keith's chest, he stared at the tear stains he had made on Keith's shirt, he sniffled.
"I...I...-" Lance looked into Keith's eyes, still wide with shock and worry.
"-I can't!"
Keith stared at Lance's sobbing face, his tears unceasing. Lance's eyebrows were scrunched, all he could feel was the excruciating pain in his head. Keith had never seen Lance so vulnerable than at this moment.
"Yes-" Keith grabbed Lance's face with his hands and forced Lance to look at him.
"-you can. I'm you're friend you can tell me anything."
As Lance looked at Keith's face he knew Keith meant what he said. Keith wanted Lance to confide in him.
And for a moment, Lance considered telling him. Telling him how terrified he was of admitting he was bisexual. Telling him how difficult it was for him to even think about admitting it to his parents. Telling him how many anxiety attacks he's had over the course of the past month. Telling him how much he loved him.
Yet, Lance didn't want to come up from the depths where he was most comfortable. Didn't want to breath the air of the unknown.
So, for the first time in his life, he lied to Keith.
"It's just...college... a-and student loans and my job they're...they're getting to me."
Lanced couldn't look Keith in the eye. He couldn't forgive himself for lying.
Keith knew Lance was hiding something. Lance never let school or money cause him anxiety, always saying that there were better things to worry about in the world.
Keith felt wounded and betrayed that Lance didn't trust him enough to reveal his anxieties. They were friends right? Good friends at that, and no matter how much Keith desired to change that it was the reality, and now it wasn't enough?
Lance's gaze wasn't meeting Keith's, yet Keith was begging with his eyes for Lance to relent.
It didn't matter if Lance didn't want to tell him, Keith just wanted Lance to stop crying. For every tear that was shed, Keith felt a tug at his heart. A tug, that he couldn't act upon.
"Alright then, let's just get you home okay?"
Both suffered, at the hands of the other.
Lance and Keith behaved as if the event that occurred on saturday was a figment of their imaginations. Everything seemingly back to "normal", safe for the noticeable tensions between the two.
The weekend had allowed Keith's negative feelings to fester in his mind. Keith had somehow interpreted Lance's distrust as Lance knowing the way Keith felt about him, but not reciprocating his feelings.
The very idea was absurd of course, yet the more Lance casually ignored Keith the more reinforced the thought became.
Keith while hurt, was also incredibly irritated. If Lance knew his feelings, why did he have to behave this way? Why couldn't he confront Keith about it?
Lance was behaving immature.
This was nothing new of course.
The two wouldn't so much as glance at each other. Limiting their conversations to the bare minimum. Not allowing themselves to have any person interaction with the other.
Their behavior towards each other altered their group dynamic, unsettling their friends and causing worry to fester in their shared circle of companions.
The disturbance didn't go unnoticed by Shiro. He observed the disruption of balance between the two, their mannerisms towards each other, and their limited speech.
Of course the boys were known for their constant arguing yet never had they resulted into the mess they are now.
It was noticeable to Shiro both boys battled their demons alone. Shiro did his best to offer his guidance to both, yet their responses were always to slap his helping hand away.
Shiro was concerned they would be consumed by their demons.
Keith had had enough of Lances childishness. He had wasted enough time pacing back and forth in his room pondering on his options. There wasn't a high possibility that Lance knew about his feelings. Yet there was still a possibility he did.
However if it wasn't that Lance knew then what could it be?
Keith knew he was succumbing to Lance and if he didn't pull back now, he'd be trapped forever.
Yet the vivid memory of Lance sobbing on the concrete, tear streaks on his face made his heart clench tightly and drag him down towards the depths of his love.
Deep enough that Keith had no option but to comply, concern for Lance was all Keith knew.
He'd rather be trapped forever then let a free spirit such as Lance be ensnared in the pit of depression.
He'd go and aid Lance through his issues, and more than likely regret it afterward. Yet the love he knew for Lance encouraged him to do so, pushing him forward the extra step.
Lance knew who it was before he opened the door. Having heard Keith's noisy Jeep pulling into the parking lot of his apartment complex. He shared the apartment with his childhood friend Hunk who unfortunately had been absent for the past week at a family wedding, leaving Lance alone with his thoughtful depths.
Which was a dangerous thing in itself. More so than the power the doorknob held in releasing the untold possibilities lying behind the door.
It wasn't until Lance heard Keith's third impatient knock that he gently opened the door.
Lance couldn't help but stare at Keith's worn out black combat boots or his dark jeans or his hair picked up in a ponytail, because Lance refused to meet Keith's eyes.
"Lance"
It wasn't stated as a greeting, more so as a warning towards the upcoming question.
"What the fuck is going on?"
Keith's tone brought urgency, concern and irritation. Lance could understand those feelings.
Lance looked down at Keith, guilt crawling up from where he had shoved it away.
Was it really time for Lance to break the surface towards the unknown?