Chapter 27

Slight Spoilers for Lair of the Shadow Broker follow.

She Said

I dried my tears in the mess. Fortunately, there was no one there to see my weakness. How the hell that man could get under my skin so thoroughly, I had no idea. I regretted my initial reaction to his accusation. I should have punched him. But that's not what my body had desired to do. It wanted to escape his accusations in the only way it could, shutting down. Next time, I'm punching him, I promised myself. I straightened my shirt and checked the nearest shiny surface to make sure my eyes weren't bloodshot and headed up the stairs to meet Liara.

The petite asari was standing in Kaidan's CIC. It had been Kaidan's ship and remained Kaidan's ship, no matter that I borrowed it. She was wearing the same uniform I'd last seen her in on the Shadow Broker's ship. Gone was the maiden personae she used to hide her abilities and her first class mind, the guise she'd used when we'd had dinner together only 48 hours ago. She stood in front of me, now, the most powerful woman in the galaxy.

"Shepard!" She hugged me and I returned the embrace. She stepped back and looked at me with concern. "I'm sorry it had to come to this."

"Well, you did warn me. I just hope we can get the Normandy in time to be of assistance to the Alliance." And to stop the Reapers. And do something about Cerberus. My to-do list was too long.

"I think I've found something that will go a great deal toward assuring that." She gestured to the galaxy map.

"Did you figure out where they might be?" I asked, trying to keep the desperation I felt out of my voice. The sooner I gave Kaidan's ship back to him, the better.

"I've narrowed it down to five systems. I hoped that would give your people a place to start."

I raised my eyebrows, "Five systems is better than the whole galaxy. Thank you, Liara."

"Oh, and I almost forgot. I found an old friend of yours. Kasumi?" Liara turned and looked toward the bridge.

A small woman pushed herself off the wall and walked toward us, graceful as dancer. I hadn't noticed her standing in the shadows, presumably talking to Joker. I stepped around Liara, a smile on my face. Despite the circumstances, I was happy to see the professional thief. We hugged and she managed to whisper in my ear, "You need to tell me everything, Shep. I can see it in your eyes." I nodded, but when I stepped back, I made sure my Commander mask was back on.

I looked around and saw Jack loitering near one of the computer stations. "Jack, please get Garrus, Jacob and Miranda. And don't 'forget' to get Miranda, please?"

The younger woman huffed and slouched her way to the stairs that led to the crew deck. "Fine, whatever."

When Jack was gone and we were alone in the CIC, except for Kasumi who would know everything about our conversation soon anyway, I turned to Liara, "I wanted to tell you, I'm sorry I was so distant earlier. Kaidan-"

"Is the man you love. You don't have to explain to me, Shepard. I hope I can get this matter settled between you two quickly. And most importantly, get the Normandy back." She rubbed my arm sympathetically.

"Thank you, Liara." I turned at the sound of a door opening and my command staff made their way onto the CIC. When they'd all greeted Liara and I explained what she'd found, the three of them went to stand at the galaxy map to discuss what our next move was. I turned back to Liara, "Are you sure you can put up thirty something people on your ship?"

"Of course, Shepard. I wouldn't have offered if I didn't think it was a good idea. You can't keep them in the cargo hold the entire time you're searching."

"Thanks. I'll tell Joker to lay in a course for Hagalaz. We should be there soon." I turned to leave to go do just that.

Liara stopped me with a hand on my arm. "I regret that I cannot go with you. I've been away from Hagalaz for too long as it is. I guess this was my way of asking you for a ride." She smiled.

I had to laugh. "Any time, Liara."

When I approached the bridge, Joker rose to meet me. That was never going to be a sight I'd get used to. Sometimes, even Cerberus does good things. Like give my friend legs. "She's not the Normandy, but she'll do," he said by way of greeting. His green eyes met mine and I could see his compassion there.

"Don't. Don't start. Just set a course for Hagalaz, please."

"All right," he said, uncharacteristically subdued. But he didn't sit right down and get to work either.

"Something on your mind, Joker?" I put my hands behind my back and stood at parade rest, prepared for the pilot to yell at me over my treatment of his friend.

"He'll forgive you, you know. It may take a while, but he will."

I blinked back something that couldn't possibly be tears. "I'm not sure I should be forgiven. I mutinied, Joker. And I led the rest of you along this path, too."

"Like we wouldn't have followed you anyway. Just like when you mutinied to stop Saren. He'll come around, Shepard. That's the good thing about Kaidan. He can be reasonable when he's presented with enough evidence." When the hell did Joker become the voice of reason? "But," he continued, "You can't let him sit in the dark. You're going to have to talk to him."

"I know. Just… the last time didn't go so well." I looked away.

He shrugged, "Try again. It's a long trip to Hagalaz."

I nodded, "I'll check in later, Joker. Thanks."

He sat back down, "No problem. Now get off my bridge." I laughed and turned to leave. "Oh, Shepard? Can you leave me your Omni-tool? It gets too quiet up here." I smiled and handed him the device. I never used the thing anyway. EDI's voice greeting Joker followed me back to the CIC.

Liara and Kasumi had joined the debate over the galaxy map. "No, it can't be that planet. There's too much civilian traffic. It's got to be this one," Miranda nearly shouted.

"It would be too expensive to shield against that pulsar," Garrus pointed out. "It's got to be this one." He jabbed his finger at a planet in the Hawking Eta cluster.

Jacob shook his head, "The quarians stop there a lot for trading with each other. There's got to be a better system."

"They could stealth against the quarians, Jacob," Miranda pointed out, gently.

Jacob scowled at her, then slowly smiled, "I guess you're right." His hand reached out to surreptitiously run his thumb along the back of her hand. She smiled back. Kasumi looked as nauseated as I felt. She'd been attracted to Jacob, but didn't want to get involved with him so soon after her partner's death. So, Jacob and Miranda had rekindled their flame fighting alongside each other again.

As they argued, I thought of Kaidan. I knew he was down in his quarters staring at the walls, trying to think how to get his ship back from me. And if he could, I was almost certain I'd let him, the Reapers be damned. I couldn't handle another Horizon. But could I handle another outcome like Horizon for the colonists? Would I be forced to sacrifice everything to keep the wolves from the door? I knew, logically, I was. But I wondered sometimes if I was strong enough to do it.

God, Horizon. I'd been frantic to find him, to make sure he wasn't taken by the Collectors. Given what I now knew they did with the colonists, I still woke up in a cold sweat some nights. And then, the first time he told me he loved me it was in anger and in the past tense. And the first time I tell him it was in apology for stealing his ship and possibly ruining his career. I was an idiot. But I still had a mission. And I needed Kaidan.

I came back to the discussion to find that none of them had agreed on anything. Even Kasumi was arguing now. I held up a hand, "All right, stop. It's a long trip to Hagalaz. We all have the data. Go analyze it somewhere quietly and give me a report on what you think is the most likely place. We'll meet at 10:00 tomorrow." It was only around noon, now. Should give them plenty of time to come up with something. They all murmured their assent and began to wander off. "How would you like your old quarters, Liara?"

"Is Doctor Chakwas back in the medbay?"

I smiled, "That she is. Go ahead. I think you know the way." I winked, "I doubt this ship has any features you don't know about anyway."

She smiled back. "You're probably going to bring food to the commander, right? I'll walk with you."

"Thanks." It was a short walk, so we didn't actually talk while we walked, but it was nice to just be near a friend who wasn't under my command again. We parted ways at the autochef and I heard Liara greeting Doctor Chakwas enthusiastically. I smiled to myself, glad they remained friends, at least. I ordered Kaidan two sandwiches and missed Gardner a little bit for the conversation and the fact that the sandwiches would be fresh. After I made him wash his hands.

I knocked on Kaidan's door, but when there was no answer, I hesitated. I didn't want these, I'd ordered them for him. I could either leave them outside the door, or barge in and maybe hope he was just getting out of the shower. Wow. That was… well, why not? I did love him and I never stopped thinking he was gorgeous. I felt my entire body heat as I remembered in vivid detail the night we spent together. I hated that I had to put him in this position. I didn't think he should forgive me, but he should see that I would never have done this if I didn't have a damned good reason for it. Right? But then, he didn't see that working with Cerberus when I had to was necessary, either.

He'd once admitted he'd gone into the service to fulfill a half-held childhood ideal. I'm not sure, after Mindoir, that I'd had any ideals left. They'd certainly gotten battered enough on Elysium. I may have gotten a medal for it, but that "vacation" had been a clusterfuck of the highest order. I wanted to be mad at him in return, but all I felt was tired. I knew that was a bad sign for us. If I didn't even have the energy to fight for him. Maybe it would come back tomorrow.

I let myself in to his quarters and quietly walked to the desk to leave him the sandwiches and the energy drink. The room was darkened even more than it had been when I left it a few hours ago. Through the low lighting, I saw a familiar shape under the thin blanket. I set the food down and crossed to look at him. Usually, he would look peaceful when he slept, the few times I've seen him sleep, that is. Today, he looked like he was in the throes of another migraine and trying to sleep through it. His brows were knotted together and even in the dimly lit room, he seemed pale. I resisted the urge to rub my fingers along his forehead to smooth out the knots. "Shepard, stop watching me while I'm trying to sleep. It's a little creepy." I jumped at the sound of his voice in the silence of his quarters.

"Uh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean - I just brought you some food. Thought you'd be hungry." I turned to leave, but his hand snaked out from under the blanket and grabbed mine.

One brown eye opened and focused on me in the darkness, "Do you promise to give me my ship and my crew back when we find yours?"

I frowned at him, "Of course, why wouldn't I?"

"I'm not entirely sure why you do anything any more, Shepard." He sat up and winced. I waited, unsure what he wanted from me at this point. He blinked those beautiful brown eyes at me as if even the dim light hurt. "Do you really think you can stop them?" I tried very hard not to notice he was only wearing boxers at the moment.

I looked at him for a moment, uncertain how to reply. "I don't know, Kaidan. But I have to try. Or die doing so."

"And you're willing to even give us up to do it?"

I felt my gut twist at the sad tone in his voice, "I don't want to. But what right do I, do we, have to be happy when the galaxy is crumbling around us? When they're slaughtering humans and turians and quarians and asari and everyone? Or worse, melting us all down to our component DNA in their twisted method of reproduction? Or enslaving entire species to help them perpetuate the cycle?"

He stared up at me, "But at what cost, Avery?"