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Captain's Personal Log: Reinstatement

Being reinstated as a Spectre was empty, but as I told Anderson in his office, no use burning bridges. I leaned on the bar in the Dark Star and stared down at my drink. Patting my back and shaking my hand, he'd slipped me an old-fashioned paper note with this bar's name and a time. I'd put on the only non-Cerberus thing I owned, a classic little black dress and a pair of really uncomfortable heels. I'd sent Jacob to mingle somewhere. His job was to just stay out of earshot, but keep us from being ambushed. Garrus leaned next to me on the bar. Talking loudly over the driving beat of the dance music he said, "This is a ridiculous idea. The human councilor can't just walk into a bar."

I swirled my drink around in my glass. "Hardly anyone knows what they look like, Garrus."

He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye, "On the Citadel, everyone knows what they look like, Shepard."

I shrugged, "That may be true, but he's meeting the only person in the universe who'd never harm him." I glanced at the turian's offended expression, "OK, maybe one of the only."

Mollified, Garrus looked over my shoulder, "Here he comes. Should I disappear?"

I shook my head, turning to find Anderson, "No, you need to hear this, too. Just keep an eye on Jacob. He's here to guard our backs, not overhear."

I turned back to watch my old commanding officer approach. All right, so he was the closest thing I had to a father, too. He was responsible for so much in my life. And he still walked like he could disassemble a sapient being with his bare hands. I used to joke they didn't let you out of N7 training till you had that walk down. I glanced at the crowd parting like the proverbial Red Sea as the human Councilor approached. I also took an amused note of the number of asari and human women (and a few men) who watched him walk past and took a good look at his rear end.

He looked good, I guessed, in the all-black formal wear currently in vogue. But it was like checking out my own father. I could look at him academically, though, and accept that he deserved the frank stares. Anderson got to the bar and leaned against it next to me, gesturing to the bartender to refill mine and to get him one. "Glad you could come, Shepard."

I nodded, slugging back the last of my vodka sour, "Glad you invited me." I gestured to the turian on my other side, "You remember Garrus Vakarian, Councilor."

My old captain's eyes widened as he took in the looming alien at my back, "I believe I do." He shook hands with Garrus and looked at me quizzically.

"Whatever you have to say, say it in front of him, too. He's the only one of my old team that I've been able to find and could come with me, so far." I looked at Anderson steadily. Unless you want to cough up Kaidan Alenko?

After a considering look, Anderson said, "All right, let's go find somewhere out of the way." We gathered our drinks and Garrus and I followed Anderson to a relatively quiet corner in the bar. At least we didn't have to shout, but we still couldn't be overheard.

"All right, what's going on?" I demanded without preamble.

Anderson raised his eyebrows at my informality. However, he said nothing about it, but looked at me with those stern brown eyes that made me feel like damned FNG all over again. "Look me in the eye and tell me you didn't fake your death."

I blinked, startled. I shrugged and leaned forward, my green eyes meeting his brown ones, unwavering, "Would you like to know how it feels to suffocate in a vacuum? How about your limbs and organs dying? Your life passes before your eyes when you die, but I think it's only because your brain is trying like hell to sift through your experiences to figure a way out."

I looked down at my drink then looked back up at him, "Also, oblivion pretty much sucks."

He inhaled sharply, his eyes searching my face, "So you didn't fake it."

I glared at the closest thing to a father I had, "Why the fuck would I fake my own death, Anderson?"

He shrugged. "The Shepard I know wouldn't have, but I had to be sure. I have to ask another question of you. What did I give you for your N7 graduation?"

I scrubbed my face with my hands, "Oh. My. God. Are you seriously giving me an identity test?"

"Answer the question, Shepard," he told me.

I rubbed my eyes in irritation. Not even Kaidan knew this and I glared at Garrus, "Not one word."

His cheekplates flared in amusement, "Oh, this ought to be good."

I turned back to Anderson, "A leather-bound, real paper edition of the Collected Works of William Shakespeare." The Old Man nodded and gestured for me to continue, "You quoted Julius Ceasar on the flyleaf, 'Cry "Havoc!" And let slip the dogs of war!'"

He took a drink, "And why did I choose that?"

"To remind me not to seek revenge for my unit and Akuze. That whoever did it will get theirs." I snorted, "And Cerberus will, Anderson. As soon as the colonists are taken care of."

"Is that why you're working with them?"

"You mean, is that why I'm still putting up with their crap and haven't taken their shiny new toys and my upgraded bod and told The Illusive Man to shove it?" I took another hit of my drink. "Did you honestly think I'd forget Akuze?" I leaned closer and growled at him, "Did you honestly think I'd forget what they fucking cost me?"

He held up his hands in surrender and leaned away from me. I straightened up, catching a concerned look from Garrus. "All right, Shepard," Anderson said, "I understand. You're definitely you."

I snorted, "So good of you to agree. If the Alliance or the Council were willing to foot the bill for this op, I'd tell Old Blue Eyes to shove where Sol don't shine. But they're not, are they?"

Anderson shook his head, setting his empty glass down, "No one can, officially. The Colonists are beyond Alliance and Council jurisdiction both. The colonists wanted to be away from Alliance and Council space when they left. Officially, they have to live with those consequences."

I swallowed the last bit of my drink, "So, I stick with the three headed dog."

Anderson nodded, "If we want to stop the abductions, then yes. I wish I could help you."

I looked him, steadily for a few heartbeats, "Then tell me where Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko is."

Anderson cocked his head at me, "No."

I clenched my fist around my empty cup without thinking and it shattered in my strength-enhanced grip. I swore and shook off the ice and splinters of glass. "You won't or you can't?" Anderson's and Garrus' eyes were wide as they watched me shake off the glass.

Anderson had the grace to look away, "I can't and I won't." He then turned and glared at me, the full force of his disapproval hitting me in the stomach, making it drop into my ridiculous shoes. "I know damned well why you want him on your squad, Meghan. And it has nothing to do with the fact that he's a stable L2."

"With all due respect," Kiss my ass, "Being the stable L2 who helped me stop Saren is why I want him on my squad," I snarled.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, "And assigning him to you would be the equivalent of the Alliance taking part in your mission and condoning Cerberus." He opened them, spearing me with his disapproval again, "I also know what went on between you two. Everyone who was there after you crawled out of the rubble in the Council Chambers saw it."

I pinched the bridge of my nose, "And what, you gonna tell me that you don't approve, Dad?" I was so furious with him, I felt my Texas accent invading my speech patterns.

He sighed, "I would never tell you what to do with your off-duty time, Meghan."

"But you're going to."

Anderson glanced away and tried a different tack, "Is what you're telling me true? Are you headed through the Omega 4 Relay?"

I narrowed my eyes at Anderson and caught Garrus' eye who shrugged, wondering where he was going with this – I didn't actually remember telling him anything about that, "Yes."

Still looking away he said, "And no ship has come back from that."

I looked down at my hands and the mess of my drink, "It has crossed my mind that it would be a one-way ticket."

I met my mentor's eyes and we stared at each other for a while. I knew what he was trying to tell me. I didn't agree with it, but I knew. If Kaidan didn't know I was alive now, he wouldn't have to mourn me a second time. Anderson nodded, slowly, then glanced at Garrus, "Take care of her, Vakarian. Drag her ass back in one piece, would you?"

The turian nodded, "Since I owe her one, that's my plan."

I don't know whether it was the liquor he drank or what, but Anderson stepped away from the table and pulled me into a hug. I think it was the only time he'd ever touched me like this. Tentatively, I hugged him back. He stepped away and just looked at me. I looked back at him, feeling like a little girl. He turned and walked out of the bar.

I felt something cold and round against my shoulder blade, held in place by the tight bodice of my dress and grinned. Wiley Old Man.