A/N: I don't own Skulduggery, Erskine, Deter, Saracen, Valkyrie, Darquesse or Lord Vile. It dawned on me I've never had a Halloween case for them yet, so here it is.
I walked out onto our porch and blinked in surprise. There was a pumpkin. We never had a pumpkin, not after the kids had grown and moved away and that had always been inside for the family to admire. Not that Skulduggery was a royal anti-Halloween grouch but any decoration that might attract Trick or Treaters (he called them little extortionists) was frowned upon. I went back inside. "Skulduggery, why is there a pumpkin on the front porch?" I asked as he made us coffee and breakfast.
He took his time answering so I admired his charcoal grey suit, white dress shirt and midnight blue tie. The matching grey fedora sported a black band and set of his handsome features. "Because, my dear, sweet wife and most loyal combat accessory, I bought it." Skulduggery said smugly.
"You what? My God, the pod people have my husband. Eh, I like the replacement they left better." I said and he snorted in amusement. "But seriously, a pumpkin? You hate Halloween."
"I hate little extortionists. But we may have a case and it may involve baiting the little monsters here to get a good look at them. I think I'll go as myself, what do you think?" He stalked towards me menacingly, opening and closing his jaws as if he were about to eat me.
"Very terrifying." I said, suppressing my smile and Skulduggery grinned, pleased with himself. "So, we have a Halloween related case?" I asked hopefully as he set a full breakfast out of eggs, bacon, sausage, toast and of course the assorted pastries we still had delivered along with coffee and orange juice.
"Indeed. Mortals and mages alike are being robbed by children in costume. You'd think they'd know not to answer the door until Halloween proper, but answer they do. Since they are only stealing jewelry my guess is dwarves have moved into the area."
"Skulduggery!" I scolded. "You can't call people dwarves, it isn't nice."
"I meant actual dwarves and before you get excited they are unappealing little beasts. Highly intelligent and master metalsmiths. I'm not sure why they are stealing, to be honest, most of it is junk jewelry. It isn't like they can say the are reclaiming their gems."
"Wait, their gems?" I asked, puzzled.
"Mmm. According to legends the dwarves owned all minerals, metals and gems. They started to barter with humans, mostly for human females but humans being so much larger they just went in and killed them. Almost eradicated them all." He sighed. "Now they are just legends to mortals. I know several of them actually, or did. Not even sure if they'd be willing to talk to me. It isn't like them to steal, you know."
"This will sound unkind, but are they dangerous?" I asked, before devouring my eggs.
"They can make legendary weapons. Some say they and not your ancestors made the God-killer weapons. But no, by and large they don't do combative magic. They will avoid conflict. Besides they are so ugly that most people never seek them out more than once. Why do you think they had to trade for mortal women or entice then with jewels?"
"If you tell me the Brísingamen is just a fairy tale-" I started and he laughed.
"Women and jewelry." Skulduggery chuckled. "About that I have no Earthly idea. Do tell me you weren't planning on earning your own necklace. That did involve seven dwarves and seven nights of romantic favors as I recall."
"Skulduggery!" I said, turning bright red and he just laughed.
"Mmm. Nothing may come of it, but we'll be picking up some decorations and a few magical jewelry lures for the sticky-handed miscreants. And don't get that dreamy look on your face. You're not keeping any of it. You will wear it, though. Lots of it."
"Um, and exactly where do I wear it? You're right, we shouldn't be seeing kids in costume all October."
"Costumes stores would have kids in costumes now. Trying things on. Who is going to notice the same rather ugly child if he's wearing a different costume? But yes, I'm thinking they use invisibility or some such magic. Then they come to the door and whine pitifully for candy. The victims open the door and remember nothing after."
"So how do we know it is children or dwarves dressed as children?" I argued, not liking where this was going.
"Security cameras and witnesses my most precious wife." Skulduggery grinned. He looked way too happy and then it dawned on me.
"No! I am not going undercover and trying on costumes, Skulduggery! Dressing up is for children. Adults get to stay home and answer the door in comfy clothes and hand out candy." I growled firmly.
"And yet, costumes come in adult sizes. Not that women's costumes ever contain much material. I am so going to enjoy seeing you in them. Finish your breakfast then. We've a big day ahead of us." He said pleased and I smiled sweetly at him.
"Of course, dear. Because if I'm dressing up and trying on costumes, so are you." Skulduggery choked on his coffee and I just laughed.
At the Sanctuary our new Elders were snickering over my plight. "Saracen, Dexter! We fought in a war together, you can't let him do this to me." I argued and they only laughed harder. Erskine was also present and having fits.
"But Val, you get to try on skimpy outfits for a good cause. Besides, you get to wear pretty jewelry. Come see." He waved me over to his desk. I wanted to argue, I really did until he opened a velvet lined case and showed me a choker made of row after row of flawless diamonds. "See? Pretty." He coaxed and I blinked and drew back, whatever spell the choker had cast on me broken.
"Then you wear it and prance around the stores as a cross dresser. It'll be fun." I leered and he sighed and looked at Skulduggery.
"You didn't tell her, did you?"
"Ah, no, I did not."
Erskine looked away nervously and Saracen stared at the floor. Dexter cringed then spoke. "Valkyrie, you're the real bait. A beautiful human female dressed in next to nothing is going to have them a lot more interested than any jewelry. Not that we won't be putting pretty sparklies on you, of course."
"But I'm married!" I protested.
Skulduggery gave me a pitying look then spoke gently. "So was Freya, I think. Besides rather lonely men can sometimes see a married woman as choosing them. Makes them feel better about themselves." Skulduggery said then dropped his skull so he was also staring at the floor rather nervously. "We uh, also have reports, uh, of well-"
"Of what, Skulduggery?" I growled, and he looked at me guiltily.
"Little children ending up in the wrong dressing room or following women out the door. The women of course stop everything and find the mom so they might have enspelled mortals into helping them."
"You mean these little perverts want to see me naked?" I barked in outrage.
"You try being hideously ugly, my dear, and you'll be amazed at the length you'll go to for any kind of companionship. No doubt if these are indeed my brethren they have become lovesick. We tend to follow a woman everywhere after that. And please, no more 'little' comments if you don't mind." The voice was soft and gentle and I turned around.
I had expected a dwarf like in the movies but the man in front of me seemed to be made of the Earth itself or maybe ancient tree roots. Spindly and thin he wasn't even three feet tall. He had a pleasant scent I noticed, like nutmeg and pumpkin pie and I realized he must be using his scent to lure me in unknowingly because I was feeling increasingly smitten. "Yes, of course, sorry. But can you turn down whatever magic you're doing?" I asked closing my eyes and he gasped. The scent disappeared and when I opened my eyes I had to try not to wince.
"Sorry." I said again. "But you aren't the one being put on display. And if you can do what you did by accident, Mister?" The dwarf nodded thoughtfully.
"Yes, I see your point, my beauty. My most humble apologies. My name is Fafnir, like the dwarf of legend." He laughed softly. "But I'm no brave warrior, I'm afraid. Just here to help an old friend." He turned slightly. "Good to see you again, Skulduggery. But she is right. If I could use my charms on her so easily, think of what less scrupulous dwarves could do." He paused then turned to me. "I don't mean less scrupulous, my dear! Only we are so very lonely and never has there been a female of our kind, ever."
My heart softened. It had to be terrible not having someone to love. "Mr. Fafnir-" I began, but he waved a small gnarled hand.
"Fafnir is fine, my sweet."
"Fafnir, if your brothers want women to love them, why take jewelry?"
"Our storehouses are empty, humans have taken all our old mines. Only a few remain and we have no lovely jewelry to woo a woman with. Please, when you capture them, please show mercy. They only want loved. They mean you nor any other woman harm. Once upon a time dwarves and elves were the lovers and consorts of mortal women, magical women as well. Only we are so very ugly-" He broke off dipping his head in shame and my maternal instincts kicked in.
"Fafnir, you are not ugly, all right? You are as you are meant to be. Who cares if you don't look like the men in this room? You aren't supposed to. To the right woman you will be very handsome and you won't have to enspell her, either. Her heart will do that for you."
He looked up hopefully. "Do you truly think so, my sweet maiden? Oh what we would give to take wives. But we are mere metalsmiths-"
"You make jewelry." I corrected gently. "Women will love you." He smiled then.
"I can see why you married her, Skulduggery. She has a kind heart." He turned to me again. "The necklace will be yours to keep, the very last crafted on my own forge if only you will help find my brothers. There are four. Surely you will have mercy?"
"You keep the necklace for the woman who will fall in love with you, Fafnir. It will make a fine wedding gift for her from you." I said and his small face lit up with joy.
It was planned then that I was to pose as a rich young mom looking for a costume that would show off her pretty sparklies and her curves. The dwarves, if present in a store would be helpless in the sight of a dwarven-made necklace and come closer, then hopefully become so smitten they'd follow me. I thought it was a bit cruel to lure them in this way and again argued we should use a pretty and single lady detective but Skulduggery refused. "Valkyrie, you know enough to take care of yourself should you be lured away and I know that you'd never willingly hurt them. Besides, Fafnir will be along as our son and he won't let anything happen to you."
Fafnir blushed and dipped his head. He'd already put the necklace and matching bracelets on me, so I followed Skulduggery to the Bentley with a resigned sigh. Fafnir would also be able to sense where his brethren were and soon he'd pointed out a store. I turned to point out that he couldn't let mortals see him and found a small child, well, him, in a astronaut outfit.
He'd be looking at costumes as well as would Skulduggery. Separating seemed like a terrible plan, but I agreed. As it turned out both males stuck close by while I was shown costumes. I noticed children watching me, and they didn't seem normal, the didn't move quickly from place to place like kids will do and they were also alone. A clown, a robot, and it looked like some kind of turtle and something I guessed was from a kid's show. All four watched me solemnly as Skulduggery hustled me into a dressing room along with a skimpy bunny costume. "She might need help." He purred to the befuddled clerk who said nothing. "You saw them too? All four are here. I think we've been led into a trap." He whispered, his teeth close to my ear.
"So now what do we do?" I hissed back. "We can't just shoot them in a store full of witnesses."
"Of course not. Nor am I letting you get captured. Ditch the jewels. Good girl, now hold on to me, tightly, that's it." He purred, then brought his teeth down on my lips in a searing kiss. His shadows swelled around us and when they fell we were in Erskine's office.
Erskine smiled at us. "Good work, you two. We already have all five in custody. Apparently they were planning on kidnaping Valkyrie and making her their queen. But they already found a new one in the gaoler in the maximum security jail they'll be staying in. Sorry you had to be bait, Val." He said gently.
I looked at Skulduggery. "Then you planned everything, including Fafnir getting to join us?"
"Oh, yes. Dwarves do this sometimes. They are the most confirmed bachelors on the planet but every so often they get the idea in their head to take a queen. They adore her and drape her with jewels then suddenly the heartbroken thing is led aboveground when whatever cycle they were going through ends and they are no longer smitten with her."
"If there are really only males of their kind-"
"Ah, the rare exception of course is when a woman stays and bears them young. But most females of any species go rather insane being kept underground too long. So would the males of course. Come along then. Time to go home." He said cheerfully.
I looked at Erskine who happily waved us off. "That's it?" I asked as we settled into the Bentley. "That was the entire case? It didn't even last a day." I groused and he smiled at me.
"Seatbelt. And yet you were in peril of being captured and made a queen. I think that's enough excitement for one day, don't you?" He asked, clearly amused.
"Well, yeah, but things never go this well for us. And why use us anyhow if it was so easy?"
"It was easy for us because I knew Fafnir. We didn't need to waste weeks with another detective reaching out to make a bond. I knew the instant I saw him try and enspell you that he intended to kidnap you. He just knew he couldn't do it there and he underestimated your ability to detect it. No doubt he was hoping to follow you into the dressing room himself and ensnare you."
"And if I had been ensnared and had been captured?" I asked raising an eyebrow.
"I was rather hoping Darquesse would free herself before Lord Vile got a chance to show his tender mercies to the last few remaining dwarves. Ah, here we are, home again. I wasn't planning on letting anything happen to you, Valkyrie. Cheer up." Skulduggery said as we got out. I followed him into the house glancing at the pumpkin.
"Now what do we do with that? Make pies?" I asked.
"I think people still carve Jack 'O Lanterns, don't they? He shall be a fierce one." Skulduggery said stopping to give the pumpkin a kindly pat. I wondered if he had at last managed to go completely insane.
"Skulduggery, you're not dying and hiding it from me, are you?" I asked as he carried the pumpkin inside and he laughed in delight.
"No, my dear and most loyal combat accessory, I am not dying. I'm already dead, remember? I've done this before. Do you remember the year you found bags of candy on your bed?"
"Yes, and nobody in my family had done it and when I asked if it was a present from you, you reminded me of how much you hated any holiday."
"True, but a couple of teenage brats showed up that year looking for trouble, so I gave it to them. Amazing what an angry skeleton can demand as payment for waking the dead." Skulduggery mused, clearly fond of the memory. "I almost got fired for that, but I felt guilty since you were helping me on a case and couldn't go out yourself. Though you were very sweet about having your own skeleton for Halloween on the stakeout as I recall."
He held out his arms and I went to him for a hug. Skulduggery sighed happily, another trait he'd picked up somewhere. "Coffee?" He asked as he released me at long last and I nodded.
"Sounds wonderful. Thank you for today, I thought we'd never go out on a case again. Besides it was fun doing something with you for Halloween." Skulduggery made one of his pleased chirrups.
"Thank you, Valkyrie, for coming. I'd be lost without you, you know. But of course you will always be with me because I'm so very dashing." He said, nodding proudly.
"I will." I promised, watching his gloved hands caress the pumpkin's surface. "I can't wait to see you carve a Jack 'O Lantern again to be honest. You have quite the talent for it."
"Well, of course I do. This one shall be very handsome and fierce indeed but I'm sending you to watch TV or do something else. I'll roast the seeds and have this beauty lit and ready in no time. Go on then." He said handing me my coffee with a kiss to the cheek and I nodded and slipped away to the living room.
As many wonderful things as he could do and as wonderful as he was, Skulduggery, like me, had a very hard time expressing his emotions or giving gifts. It embarrassed him to admit that he cared and was thus vulnerable to rejection and all our friends knew any gifts they received were joint gifts or from me. The candy he'd left that year and never admitted to was one rare gift as he dared give.
I knew he'd made up the story about scaring teenagers out of it on the spot. That he'd bought the bags and candy that he filled them to bulging with because he'd cared about me even when I was a bratty younger partner. I knew because he'd bought candy at a sweet shop and not just dumped in various bags of mass produced whatever. Skulduggery Pleasant would never admit it, but he was very tender-hearted and generous towards those he cared about.
He appeared at my shoulder and I accepted the proffered refill. "I do hope you know how much trouble I'm going to, Valkyrie. A man of my talents should be paid for his artistic genius." He preened. I smiled and took hold of his midnight blue tie to pull him into a lingering kiss.
"Who says you aren't going to get paid later?" I purred and he almost dropped the coffee pot.
Skulduggery called me back into the kitchen, having shut off the lights so I could admire his creation in the dark. I heard him click his fingers to draw a flame then the hand lowered. The flame must have caught on the candle inside the Jack O' Lantern because it suddenly lit up and I couldn't keep the grin of delight off my face. "Skulduggery, it's perfect!" I said and he beamed with pride in the Jack 'O Lantern's glow.
"Well of course it is, Valkyrie. I did it. I couldn't think of anything more fierce, yet handsome dashing and heroic for the holiday season, could you?" He asked and I shook my head no. He'd carefully scored just enough of the flesh off the front to make a replica of a skull in a hat that tilted rakishly over one eye.
"That's perfect. Are we leaving it on for the night?" I asked and he nodded, coming over to loop a bony arm around me.
"I should think so. It isn't Halloween until tomorrow but that handsome devil was begging to be carved. Did I mention he's also very dashing?" He asked, tilting his head and grinning at me before he drew me in for a lingering kiss. I wrapped my arms around his neck, all too happy to comply. Skulduggery grunted happily and wrapped his arms around me. His gloved hands started to explore, relaxing us both and I wondered if we needed to retire.
I'd been more frightened than I cared to admit by the idea of being stolen away from him and never seeing him again, and as he urged my mouth open gently I knew he felt the same way. Skulduggery pulled back slightly. "Couch or bedroom?" He asked and I was about to reply when his mobile rang. I groaned. Skulduggery sighed and stepped back reluctantly then flipped it open and grunted his way through the call as he looked at me. I could see the trouble in his skeletal features, this wasn't good. He rang off and sighed, I swear he closed what passed for his eyes for a long moment. "Fafnir and the four brothers he was arrested with are dead. In their cell and no witnesses of course. No proof of forced entry, no video of anyone entering the cells."
"But I thought the prison was heavily warded. No teleporter or magic would work there." I protested as we got and shrugged into our coats.
"So someone went to a lot of trouble to kill the last few remaining dwarves. We'll never know if they knew something they shouldn't or were a threat to someone somehow, at least not now. Come on then, we've got a crime scene to get to. Sorry about ruining your Halloween again, Valkyrie." He said as we got into the Bentley. "Seatbelt."
"It's not ruined. You know things never go easy on us. OK maybe we've gotten one or two cases like that, but by and large they don't. Who would hate them enough or need them quiet?" I asked and Skulduggery shrugged as he drove.
"That's what we get to find out. They were only there so they wouldn't try and escape. They were only going to get a stern lecture in the morning about bothering mortal and magical women and be shooed off." I heard the sadness in his voice and felt terrible for him and them.
"They couldn't have faked being dead to be taken out of the cells, could they?" I asked and he looked at me.
"Say that again?" He asked but already had his mobile out and was making calls. He snapped it shut and looked at me. "Whoever taught you to be such a clever detective? That's right, me. It would seem your alertness stopped the minute 'corpses' from sneaking off. Well done. We're still going to give them a very stern lecture of course."
"Of course. So long as they don't wife-nap me or skeleton-nap you I'm happy to give a very stern lecture." And I was too when we at last arrived. I knew it was most likely wrong to lecture fully grown men like they were children, it had to be humiliating, but I was still frightened over the prospect of loosing Skulduggery.
"Fafnir." I growled and he shivered. "Do you realize how much trouble you've caused and how close you came to exposing magic?" I asked and he winced. "Women do not like to be grabbed and abducted. If you five really want a woman to take care of you you've got to be nice to her. Try dating her." I continued and he sighed.
"But we're ugly. We can't date." One of his brothers pleaded. "We charm women into being with us. It's terrible you know, not to be loved for our own selves. We'd all love a wife for us all to care for. We're busy men, but between the five of us we'd make one attentive husband."
"Have you considered a ninja? That's what I would do." Skulduggery said and nodded wisely and I sucked in my lips so I wouldn't laugh. "She'd be just the thing. You wouldn't even know she's there. And ninjas love sneaking around in the dark and in secret places." I looked over wondering if he was being serious for once. I swore he was. "Think of it. She could scale in and out of your underground home just like that. But tell me, how are you such busy men with no metals to smith, hmmm?" Skulduggery had caught them in a lie I hadn't even noticed.
Growling slightly he continued. "I think all the thefts were so you would get a chance at a Sanctuary detective or other woman who works in one. And then you made the mistake of choosing my wife, and no one takes my wife from me. Ever." He growled and clacked his teeth. The nearest dwarf swooned. "Right then. Leave mortal and magical women alone or I'll murder you all in your beds." He said cheerfully and we left them with a horrified warden.
Skulduggery was humming to himself as we returned to the Bentley. "Seatbelt. And don't worry I just wanted them away from you. Maybe they have a mine to get back to or they made up having something to do, either way their cycle is ending. They didn't even look at you when you came in the interrogation room with me. Still, I know they'd feel justified in taking you since mortals took all their most profitable mines."
"That is just creepy. This has ruined the idea of cute singing dwarves or brave warriors for me, forever. You bring such joy into my life, you know that?"
"Now, now. Be glad I'm not one of those heroes in a romantic novel. I'd get you a Halloween kitten. A little black one with a cute bow and everything." I looked over at him.
"We're not pet people. And neither one of us would change a littler box."
"I had plenty of cats as a boy. We needed them. Useful creatures but they always had time for a cuddle." He said and I wondered again if he was joking. Skulduggery was so fussy the cat hair alone would kill him. "Oh, I know what you're thinking. Skulduggery is so very fastidious and cats shed. I wasn't so fastidious back then. Took cat hair with my everywhere I went."
"You're joking."
"No. I stuttered, remember? Cats don't laugh at you when you stutter or make fun of you. They find other things to laugh at you for, but when you're friends with them that's OK." I looked at him and suddenly could see the lonely young boy with only cats as his friends. I wondered if he was making up a story but he went on. "You've never had any idea, but when you call me a cat in a detective suit I take it as the highest compliment. I'd love a cat, I really would."
I didn't know what to say to that and he continued. "Yes, if I was one of those handsome-yet-sensitive heroes I'd have used a scented candle in the Jack 'O Lantern and there would be a kitten inside my ribcage right now. Dozing away in the little nest I built her. A cute little black kitten with a bow. Who wouldn't be any trouble at all. Honestly, she wouldn't. Go on then, reach in and find out. The candle was scented after all."
Reader's choice! Does Val find A) a cute little black kitten to love and cherish B) a plush black kitten or C) something else?
Note: The Brísingamen was the necklace of the goddess Freya. She got it according to one version of the legend by giving her love to seven dwarves. Yup, Snow White is the watered-down version of the tale.