This chapter made me very nervous. It is, after all, the turning point in the relationship. Hope y'all enjoy it. As always... I own nothing. Not even Meghan - I think it's more accurate to say she owns me.

Captain's Personal Log: Fade Away

"Run all you want, Harkin! We'll find you!" Startled at the anger in his voice, I glanced at Garrus. I'd never seen him so angry. Not even when we went after Saleon. Tali had still been in the middle of her supply run and unable to join us. Garrus was clearly impatient to track down Fade, so we brought our new thief along. After a snarled, "Stay out of my way," from him at her, we landed the car and that's when we we'd run into our old friend.

I owed him a punch in the jaw anyway. Call me "Princess" one more time, asshole.

When we finally caught up to the son of a bitch, Garrus' fury knew no bounds. It was more than it just being Harkin. It was the fact that an ex-cop was using his skills to work against C-Sec. And possibly costing so many more officers their lives. Bailey had reluctantly admitted they'd been unable to catch up to "Fade," and seeing Harkin's set-up, here, in this warehouse, I knew why.

His office was like some sort of command center. Monitors everywhere. He seemed to be tapped into the Citadel feeds. Bailey's going to love this. I didn't protest when Garrus threw the bastard against the wall. The nut shot even made me grin a bit. Then, Garrus started sounding like an action-hero from a B-vid. "You know what else is bad for business? A broken neck!" A little over-the-top, there, pal.I watched Garrus examine his pistol, grinning appreciatively when Harkin looked back at the turian nervously. I did grab his arm when he drew his pistol to shoot the son of a bitch, however. Death was too good for him. But... Harkin had to push that one last time. The solid impact of a hard turian head hitting a human nose told me Harkin wasn't wasn't going to be a problem for a little while. Garrus angry was a sight to behold. I was glad I wasn't on the receiving end of that pent-up rage. Though I really wanted to have a few harsh words -or more - with the bastard that was effecting my friend so badly.

"I didn't shoot him," the turian growled at me. I didn't let Garrus see my grin as I commed Bailey to let him know where to find Fade.

Sidonis. The trip over to the Wards from the warehouse district... well... the word "uncomfortable" didn't even begin to describe it. Kasumi seemed to be trying to remain unobtrusive in the back, her eyes locked on the view out of the window. "This isn't like you," I told him. I turned my head to look out of the windshield of the car. I could feel his eyes on me, pinning me to the seat.

"What do you want from me, Shepard?" What did I want? I wanted my smart-assed pal back. I wanted the guy who had no idea what a hug was. I wanted him to stop glaring at every sapient being he came in contact with. I wanted the guy who made bad jokes at really inopportune times and felt compassion for the less fortunate and the weak. I wanted my friendback. "What would you do if someone betrayed you?"

I turned to look at him, my mouth open in astonishment. "Have you been paying attention at all? You jackass! I've lost count of the number of times a knife's been stabbed in my back. It's nothing but scar tissue now. You do not fucking let it change you or theywin."

Babygirl snapped her gum in my ear. "So what the hell's taking so long."

I snorted. "Dodger being clever, prolly."

"He thinks he's hot shit, don' he."

I shrugged. "He can think all he wants. S'long as we get our creds, right?"

The shorter, dark-haired girl snapped her gum again. "Sometimes, there's more to life 'an creds."

I looked at her, my eyebrows drawing together, resisting the urge to take my hand off my shotgun to run my fingers through my short spiked hair. "What the hell you talkin' about, Girl?" She drew her knife to trim a hang nail.

"Sometimes, it's all about where you stand. I told you that last night, remember?" I frowned at her. All she'd said last night was that there was no way to advance in the Reds as long as Dodger held us all by the short and curlies.

"I don't wanna be in charge, Girl, I just wanna look out for my own and keep my ass in one piece."

She flipped the knife end over point in her palm. "You got no imagination, Killer. No ambition." The fuck was she talking about?

Diego's voice rose over the negotiations. My shadow, my savior. "Meg, watch out!" I spun away at the last second so all she got was a cut across my ribs in the gap of my crappy-assed body armor. I grabbed her arm and yanked her elbow out of socket with a sickening crunch that neither of us paid attention to. Her other hand went for her pistol and I didn't even bother to wait for her to get it, I just opened fire, taking the kick of the shotgun in my gut. It hurt, but nothing I couldn't live with. She collapsed at my feet, her hands holding onto her stomach, trying to keep her guts in. I ignored her and spun to wade through the Fist's members to get to Dodger. Hit one with the butt of my shotgun. Spun around and shot another in the face. Saw Big Red on the other side of the room trying to dislodge the crowd around him. Where the hell had all these fuckers come from?

"Who's going to bring Sidonis to justice if I don't? Nobody else knows what he's done. Nobody else cares." I tried to talk him out of it. This didn't sound like justice. This sounded like a vendetta. Something I was trying very hard to stay away from myself with Cerberus. "I've always hated injustice. The thought that Sidonis could get away with this..." I closed my eyes at the pain in his voice as it broke slightly, like shattered glass falling across my skin, tiny cuts as it fell to the ground. But he was here, he was alive.

His anger returned with the next sentence. "Why should he go on living while ten good men lie in unmarked graves?" I just looked at him. Part of me agreed with him. But, if he started down this path, could he stop? What about the next person who crossed him? Smug mechanical blue eyes staring at me over a plume of cigarette smoke. Garrus got out of the car and nodded toward a vantage point in the catwalks above the Ward.

He stormed away and I met Kasumi's eyes. "You really have a problem with revenge?"

"Only when it's all you can see. When it's all you eat, sleep, breathe... when it consumes you, yeah. I have a problem with it." I glanced at her. "Why, do youneed revenge?"

"No, I just need to steal something. You get to go to a party."

"I hate high heels." I sighed and looked around. Couldn't stall any more."C'mon. He should be in place by now."

After, he'd gotten in the car to go back to the Normandy without speaking to me. All I'd gotten was a frigid, blue-eyed glare. Silently, we'd driven back to the ship, his mandibles quivering against his mouth as if he wanted to say something but he had no words, or they just wouldn't come out. His shoulders slumped against the seat, obvious even in his armor.

So, the minute I was out of my armor, I went to the gunnery. I'd even taken my hair down, letting it curl around my shoulders and down my back to point out that I was there as his friend not his commander. It was warmer that way, anyway. The door cycled open at my touch, which was a good sign. I'd expected it to be locked. I stared at Garrus' back, letting the door cycle closed behind me. His ruined armor blocked me from reading him at all. I need to replace that piece of junk. The random thought startled me, but I kept my face blank.

His fingers stilled on the console, and without turning around, he said, "I know you want to talk about this. But I don't, not yet."

I walked around to lean on the railing so I could at least see his profile. "I know it didn't go the way you had planned, but I think it's for the best." I'm sorry I couldn't let you walk that road. Hate me forever if you want. At least you're alive and whole. More or less.

His fingers folded together on the console, gripping each other tightly. "How the hell can you even say that, Shepard? I'm not the only one in this room who's lost their whole team." He turned his head away. "So no. I'm not so sure."

"Give it time," I told him, my voice quiet. "Akuze will always, always be with me. In my nightmares, coloring everything I do. Diego is there in the face of every duct rat kid I see." If it had been a boy... I slammed the door on that thought. I put my hand on his shoulder and tried to turn him to face me. It was like shoving a krogan, or a brick wall.

"And here you are, working for the people who killed them." His voice was toneless, dead.

"Avenging them, or telling Cerberus to take their ship and their shiny new implants and the life they gave back to me won't stop the Reapers nor bring my unit back. All I can do is honor their memory."

"Yeah. Maybe that'll be enough." His fingers spasmed tighter together and he finally looked at me. "I want to know I did the right thing. Not just for me – for my men." He unfolded his hands and gripped the sides of the console. "They deserved to be avenged, Shepard."

"But do you have to be their avenger, Garrus?" I stepped closer to him. "You had him in your sights longer than when I was standing there. You could have taken the shot at any time; you didn't need me to step out of the way."

He turned to look at me for the first time, his eyes boring into mine as he processed what I'd just said. "I went there to kill him, Shepard. Hell, if I could have lasered his name on a bullet I would have. I don't know what happened."

I put my hand back on his shoulder and closed the rest of the distance to him. "You are a killer, Garrus." He looked like he was going to object to my word choice and I held a hand up to stall him. "And a damned good one. But you are not a murderer. You've never killed in cold blood."

"You've never let me." We were both thinking of Saleon.

"Bullshit, Garrus. I'm not your keeper. I don't letyou do anything. You're a good man and you make your own decisions. I'm just a convenient excuse to keep your conscience clean."

He looked really startled at that. Then pissed off, his cheekplates tight against his jaw. "I can tell the difference between right and wrong, Shepard."

I nodded, but didn't look away from him. I kept my eyes locked with his. "Yes, you can. If you didn't, you'd do what you want anyway, no matter what I said. And you wouldn't need me to help you see the right way through. If you didn't know it was wrong, you'd have shot Saleon the minute you recognized him. You wouldn't have let me talk you out of it. Remember Wrex and Fist? Wrex shot Fist, right in front of us. For no other reason than because he was paid to do it. I love Wrex like a brother, but he's a murderer. You are not."

He shook his head. "I've done plenty of bad things, Shepard."

I cocked my head at him. "How many people have you hunted down and put a bullet through the heads of, Garrus? How many times have you been the one pushing the blade in toward the heart? How many cops have you stalked and beat the living shit out of with your bare hands?"

"You don't get it, Shepard!" He smashed his armored fists into his console. Fortunately, the thing was tougher than it looked. "You weren't the commanding officer on Akuze. You weren't led away to leave your team to die. You didn't recruit the Marines in your unit."

"I did lead them, Garrus. I was their XO. And now, I work for their murderers. But I'm doing right by them by continuing to make the fact that I lived, matter. I do right by Ashley every day I draw breath because I stay with these evil bastards and work to bring down that which she fought with usagainst." I wanted to pound what I was trying to say to him into his thick turian skull.

He pushed himself away from his console and started pacing. "How? How can you do this, Shepard? How do you live with it?" Because I made it in time.

I shrugged. "By fighting. By making a difference. Vengeance won't bring my unit back. It won't bring back Hicks, or my child. It certainly didn't bring back Diego. And it won't bring your men back." I paused and took a deep breath. "I don't know what turian beliefs are, Garrus, but vengeance is never for the dead. It's for the living."

He stopped pacing and stood close to me, looking down at me. "I failed my team because I trusted Sidonis. He wasn't ready for the responsibility of being a part of my team and I let him in. I was a poor judge of his character."

"I told you, Garrus, to me, you're not a failure. And you're not psychic either, to know the inner workings of a man's mind."

He took his gloves off and set them on the console. He reached out to touch my hair, carding it through his fingers. I wanted so much to lean into his hand, but I held myself still. What the hell was wrong with me?"Why did you wear your hair down to come talk to me?"

I blinked at the sudden change of subject and tone. His voice had dropped to those lower registers. I really had to fight not to lean into his hand. "Because I'm here as your friend, not your commanding officer. Don't change the subject."

I felt him pull his hand out of my hair, carefully, gently, and watched it drop back to his side. Wait... bring that back here! "Maybe you're right. Maybe I wanted you to take the decision out of my hands. Maybe I needed your approval."

I blinked at his agreement. That was completely unexpected. Why wouldn't he argue the point more? "Why the hell would you need my approval, Garrus?"

"Because you're my friend? The only one I have left."

I rubbed my forehead. "Don't let Tali hear you say that."

He crossed his arms. "All right, you're my best friend."

"And you're mine."

He sighed. "I thought I wanted to kill him, and I could have before you ever blocked my shot. But when Sidonis was in my sights . . . I just couldn't do it." He slumped against the console, defeated.

I looked out over the tubes and wires and metal of the guns. I stepped closer to him and gave him a hug, my head pressing carefully against his scarred side. "The lines between good and evil blur when we're looking at people we know."

He shrugged against me, but returned the hug, his hands tight on my back. "Yeah, there was still good in him. I could see it." He sighed and stepped away, looking down at me. "It's so much easier to see the world in black and white. Gray … I don't know what to do with gray."

I tucked my head in against his neck, as awkward as it was in his armor. "Everything is gray, Garrus. Nothing is ever really black or white. You've got to go with your instincts." I pulled back to look at him.

He rolled his eyes and his fingers went back to carding through my hair. I wanted to purr. What the hell was wrong with me?"My instincts are what got me into this mess."

"Don't be too hard on yourself," I told him. "Your instincts led you to confront an infamous Alliance Commander and talk your way into helping her take out a nefarious, crooked Spectre."

He laughed. "OK, so sometimes they're right."

Somehow, I made it to Dodger, Diego right behind me. Big Red managed to finally get free, his shirt soaked in blowback and his shotgun smoking. Dovey crept up behind us, her sniper rifle equally overheated. Dodger had the leader of the Fists bent backward over the table, a serrated blade to his throat. "You son of a bitch! You set up an ambush on me? On me?" Dodger was spitting, raving mad, the stims he used to up his alert level and strength had his eyes wide and the blade trembling against the guy's throat. "I'm glad I got good people with me. You only took one of them down."

"Uh, boss? I took her down." His brown eyes flicked to me.

"The fuck you talking about, Killer?"

"Baby Girl set us up. She told you where the Fist wanted to meet, right?"

For one minute, I didn't think he'd heard me. But red started to creep up his neck. The cords from his obsessive body building stood out in sharp relief. "She still breathing?"

"Yeah."

"Dovey, drag that bitch over here." Dovey was a dark-haired, pale girl. Sharp eyed, quiet. You always got the impression, looking at her, that those dark eyes had looked into hell. A hell even worse than the ones most of us had seen. She didn't speak. Ever. But she was strong enough to drag Baby Girl over here by herself while the rest of us watched for reinforcements.

"Why's she still breathing, Killer?"

I shrugged. "I missed. Then left her ass since I figgerd you'd wanna deal."

He nodded. "Just one thing, though, Killer." He paused, his eyes weighing and measuring. "You never miss."

I felt my heart jump in my throat. I kept myself still, though. Being my father's daughter had given me one hell of a poker face. Dovey dropped Baby Girl in front of me. Her braids fell over her eyes and she defiantly glared up at me. "Shoulda joined in, Killer." She coughed, blood on her lips. She wouldn't last much longer without precious Medigel that Dodger wouldn't waste on a traitor.

"What are you talking about?"

"That opportunity I tole you about last nigh'? You laughed at me. Well, now look at the sitiation yer in." I looked from her to Dodger. The older man grinned, showing his stim-rotten teeth. Casually, he slit the guy's throat and left him to bleed out on the table. He straightened up and handed me the knife.

"You know what to do, Killer."

I felt Big Red put his meaty paw on my shoulder, his rust colored dread-locks hiding his face. I felt Diego press himself into my back. Dodger's dead eyes regarded me silently. If I didn't do it. I'd die here. So would the boy. Since no one looked out for him except me. But Baby Girl... she was my friend. My best friend. But... Diego. I met her eyes and slid the blade up under her ribcage, slicing her heart.

Baby Girl was the last friend I had in the Reds. I let no one get close until Hicks. And then... Kaidan. Her betrayal changed me. It hardened me. It made me cold, cold it took a hardcase throwback to Her Majesty's Royal Marines to thaw out of me. Cold another throwback hopeless romantic Marine almost froze over again. I reached up to touch Garrus' face. "Just... don't ever lose that, Garrus."

"Lose what?" He blinked at me, his hand going to my wrist.

"Your passion. Your righteousness. Don't let assholes like Harkin and Sidonis take it away. Being cold is damned lonely."

He laughed. "You're the furthest thing from cold I know, Shepard."

I grinned. "Aw, damn, and here I was going to talk you into warming me up." I paused. "Wait.. that didn't..." He laughed harder until he had to lean against his console. I shook my head. "You can stop now." He shook his head, still laughing. I didn't feel like laughing with him. He'd probably hate me for what I was about to tell him, anyway. Better he hates me than the alternative. I leaned against the railing and looked down at my boots, my eyes drawn to a scuff across the left toe. Really need to take care of that soon.

When Garrus finally stopped laughing, I glanced at him. "If you're really still hell-bent on vengeance for your team, think of it this way. Putting a bullet in Sidonis' brain is the easy way out for him. You saw how broken he was. This way, he stays that way. The thought of what he did. What he cost his friends... He will never let it go and it will eat him alive." Garrus looked at me steadily, his cheekplates moving against his jaw as if he were searching for something to say.

I cleared my throat around the lump that had suddenly sprang up. I held his gaze, unblinking. All the pretty words in the world weren't going to make what was in my heart any less black. But they might keep Garrus from getting tarnished along with me. "Don't know if you've noticed, but I have a black hole somewhere in the middle of me. That black hole is pleased as punch you let him live. Because that's my revenge for what he cost you, Garrus; for what he almost cost me. He gets to live with it. He gets to stew in it. And I'm going to sleep well tonight knowing that." I swallowed. "Because, if I hadn't gotten there in time, if I'd stopped to get Mordin first, or gone to talk to Anderson... I'd have lost you,too."

"You -"

I held up a hand to interrupt him. "I don't want you to be like me. To have a gaping chasm where your soul should be. To look on your second chance of life and wish to God that they'd left your ass in frozen oblivion. Because it hurts less."

"So, you're glad I didn't kill him because you want him to suffer more? Because he hurt me? Because he almost caused my death?" He went still. That sniper-still he fell into when he was pissed beyond words. Though sometimes he did it when he was confused, too, I guess.

"Yeah. What I said was true. You're my best friend. You're on a very short list of people I trust. I need you at my back, walking into hell with me." I shrugged. Yeah, that's it. It's all about the fight and the foxholes."If you truly wanted him dead, he'd be dead. But I'm glad you let him live. I wanted him to suffer for what he put you through. For what he might have cost me." I looked away. Fucking hell, what was making my eyes burn? "You still want him dead, let's go. We've got two days before we have to be at Bekenstein."

He crossed his arms. "I'm not going to hunt Sidonis down, again. You're right, he's suffering more now than he would with my bullet through his skull." I opened my mouth to say something, I'm not sure what, but it was his turn to hold up a hand to forestall me this time. "You do not have a black hole where your, what was the word? Soul is." He twisted his mouth around the unfamiliar word. "I'm not sure what one is, but given the context, I know you have one of whatever it is. You wouldn't be fighting the Collectors and the Reapers otherwise."

"No, I-"

"Shepard," he glared at me. For once, I shut up, closing my mouth with a snap of my teeth. He paused for a minute, arms still crossed, just looking at me. He shook his head, his cheekplates tight to his jaw and his brow ridges drawn together. "Too bad your father's already dead or I'd hunt him down and make him feel like Sidonis is now." In spite of myself, I laughed, a short painful thing.

He stepped closer and looked down at me, his blue eyes with their green and silver tints fixed on mine. "Oblivion can't be better than this." He looked around. "Well, even if 'this' is a freezing-cold gunnery bay on a ship owned by terrorists who sent us all on a suicide mission."

I shrugged again. "Nothing hurts when you're dead, Garrus." Reluctantly, though, I felt a weak smile spreading across my lips.

He reached out and with his ungloved hand, ran his fingers through my hair. Before I could stop myself, I leaned into the warmth of his hand, my eyes closing. "Nothing feels good, either, Shepard."