Captain's Log: Broke, Blind and Bedlam

Kasumi and I stood at the Observation Deck windows of the lounge she'd made her quarters. I'd object, except she seemed to genuinely like visitors, unlike Samara who generally ignored them. The shutters were open and I felt that familiar electric jolt of terror arc down my spine, but I stood my ground. I was unreasonably afraid of that precariously thin material between me and the void. I knew nothing was going to happen, standing there. But the flashes of torn hull and explosions and drifting into the cold nothing-ness alone until darkness claimed me would not leave me alone. I was still in the little black dress and heels she'd give me for the mission. There'd been time to get out of my armor, but not to get back into uniform before Kasumi needed to talk to me.

I was fairly proud of myself for standing there, staring into the void, unarmored. Daring it to stare back at me.

I forced my eyes to focus on our reflections, not the stars sitting there in judgment of me. I watched hers in particular as her bent head indicated all she was looking at was the grey box in her hands. I knew what it was like to be a survivor in a relationship. I'd sat in that hospital for a very long time mourning Hicks and our future together. But if I were ever confronted with a way to never lose those memories? To keep those laughing brown eyes from fading away? And what about Kaidan? What if he'd been the one to die on the Normandy and all I had left was a box with his voice on it? A hologram? Would I keep it? No matter what else was on there? "Is there any way we can just destroy the information?"

"No. Keiji was a master at encrypting files. He laced the information into his memories. You can't get one without experiencing the other."

To experience Hicks' memories of our time together? Or Kaidan's? What would I give? My memories of my fiance had faded long ago, but my time with Alenko was still so vivid, the memories would wake me in the middle of the night, aching for something I couldn't have. And probably never did have. Had we really loved each other, or just the ideas of each other?

[i]Reports. Always more reports. Reports on what system needed repairing, what supplies needed replacing. Reports on crew duties and morale. And Alenko, true to his job as Third Officer, always brought them to me, sometimes straight from Pressly. Most written by his own hand, though. Well, his own hand on a datapad. The first time, he was so formal. Hell, I was so formal. So new to my Spectre-hood and the command of a ship, I was afraid I squeaked every time I turned around.[/i]

"That would be... something," I said aloud. "To see yourself through his eyes. To feel how much he loved you." I turned and leaned against the bulkhead, crossing my arms, ignoring the cold of the metal and the abyss at my back.

"I hadn't thought of it that way." She looked down at the box again, a wondering smile playing about her lips. "To see everything I remember through his eyes and not mine."

It was so cheesy, in retrospect. Like something out of one of those soap-opera vid serials. Our hands touched as he handed me a report and we happened to be making eye contact. A literal spark leaped between us as our biotics made contact, but that was nothing compared to the warmth of his fingers and the work-roughness of his skin against mine. I almost dropped the pad. I felt my face heat for the first time in a long time and something behind those warm brown eyes let me know I wasn't the only one to have felt that.

"But it would be tempting to be lost like that, wouldn't it?" I pointed out. "To be wrapped in that cocoon of his love for you? It would take a strong person to resist being consumed by that."

Her slender fingers wandered over the box, tracing a pattern I couldn't see. "I know. But if it's used wisely, it could be the most wonderful gift he ever gave me. His memories of us."

I found excuses to go speak to him after missions, before missions. In a firefight, he was the one I knew would be there at my six, covering my back when I took out the bad guys. He was also the one that made my heart pound in my throat when he'd take a risk to save a civilian. Or me. Whether I needed it or not.

And now Garrus was doing that. Shut up, I told that small voice. "His memories, Kasumi. Not yours."

"I know, Shep. I would have to be careful not to get too absorbed."

The Alliance frowned on fraternization, just like every other military service humans had ever invented. A policy I never really understood. After all, if all you ever met was soldiers, that's who you were going to fall for. And to ask your soldiers to live like monks was a little much.

Until it actually mattered. Until Hicks. And then, Kaidan Alenko. After Hicks, I knew better. Losing him broke me. Miscarrying his child nearly killed me. But the biotic with the warm brown eyes and the dry sense of humor surprised me. He snuck in behind my walls and barricades, sapped my defenses. Thawed the emotions I'd packed behind a wall of ice.

Even before Ilos, Kaidan was the first person I wanted to talk to in the morning and the last person I wanted to see before I slept. And when I kept running into him on those shifts, I began to realize the feeling was mutual. He listened to the stories of my past. It had hurt when he flinched a little at some of the tales of my criminal exploits. But then, even Hicks had looked uncomfortable at some of the things I'd done. I listened, in turn, to his stories of Brain Camp and squelched the urge to hug him right there at his duty station when his eyes became briefly shadowed with the remembered pain and I could almost see the seventeen year old he had been standing up to the hulking turian ex-commando. A child facing down a dangerous authority figure.

When I'd confided the events of Akuze to him, there on a drafty lookout perch on Feros before the assault on the Skyway in the morning - taking our turn on watch for the very odd colonists - I'd watched his face, carefully. I'd come to realize there, in the hunt for Saren, that I depended on him. That I wanted his good opinion. He guessed sooner than Tali had that I'd been Hicks' fiance. "I'm so sorry, Meghan." That was the first time he'd ever used my first name. He'd glanced away, his mouth pulled tight in sorrow, or maybe anger. I felt my stomach flip. It had been a long time since anyone had gotten angry for me instead of at me. "How many armchair generals who like to second guess military fuck ups did you have to teach a lesson to, after?"

I glanced down at my gun. "Too many. I - I don't usually tell people I was there. Unless they recognize my name like you did."

"I must have sounded like a complete jackass. 'You could have gotten any posting in the fleet after that!'" He looked back at me, his dark eyes glittering in the shadows of the starlight. "I don't usually put my foot in my mouth that badly."

Warmth spread outward at that sidelong look, starting somewhere in my middle and ending up in my cheeks. I was grateful for the dim lighting. "I, uh, thought it was cute."

He laughed, short, choked off, quiet. "You have an odd sense of 'cute,' Shepard."

I looked out into the starlight. They'd given my team the high ground. We were spread out around the settlement, our suit sensors and The Normandy's interlaced to give the colonists a greater warning system in case of attack. Kaidan, Garrus and Tali had set it up and I had to marvel at their ingenuity. "Doesn't make it any less true." I cleared my throat.

"By the way," he began, also clearing his throat. "I apologize for using your name like that. It was unprofessional."

I'd liked him saying my name. The way he made it sound. "Don't worry about it. I didn't mind. I liked it. But... I wouldn't go calling me that in debriefings or anything." I grinned at him, my tone teasing.

"I'll keep that in mind, ...ma'am." Somehow, despite the formality of that word, it didn't sound formal when he said it. It was like a promise. An expectation. A whisper of intimacy that somehow came across in that short little salutation. I shivered. We'd passed the rest of that watch in silence.

"How long were you two together," I asked.

"Quite awhile. We were rivals. And then we weren't."

I think the point where it stopped being a battlefield flirtation and he became so much more than just an officer and a friend to me wasn't any one thing. It was a slow progression built over hearing each other's stories, about growing up biotic, even if he'd known earlier than me. I'd mentioned once, the ostracism at the academy. Both for the biotics and for the gang past - my still-shaved head had been a dead give-away. But like any angry teenager, I refused to change that. Kaidan had looked at me and with those melting eyes of his fixed on mine, said, "Well, they missed their chance."

"Missed their chance at what?"

"To get to know, a uh," a private wandered by and he quickly straightened up and finished, "A damned fine officer." It was all I could do not to laugh like a little kid at his fast recovery. He'd grinned sheepishly at me and I had to go do commanderly things.

I closed my eyes and looked away from her. I cleared my throat. "If it's that important to you," I told the thief, "Keep it. Just make sure you're willing to live with the consequences."

Kaidan laughing at some asinine joke I'd made. The dry chuckle dancing up and down my spine. Garrus' rough hands carding through my hair, my skin breaking out in goosebumps at his touch.

"Yeah, I am. I'll stay off the grid. No one will know I exist." She sounded eager to begin her exile as she sat down and leaned forward to meet my eyes through the shadows of her hood. "I think I want this. Thanks, Shepard." Her VR interface lit up, hiding her eyes, and she leaned back in the seat, visiting Keiji and leaving me with my thoughts. My own memories that tore at me.

"You realize this plan has me walking into hell, too?" The rough, deep voice drawled in amusement.

"I thought we had something Shepard, something real. I loved you." We did, I thought back at the man on Horizon. What we have, what we had, comes around only once. "You betrayed me."

"What do you want from me, Shepard?" that flanging voice, twisted in anger and pain.

"Take care of yourself, Shepard." Sorrow, pain. Angry brown eyes turning away.

"I always take care of myself, Kaidan," I whispered into the silence. Setting down my drink, I turned to look at Kasumi. A small, content smile curved her lips and I could see the movement of her eyes behind the VR interface. She seemed to feel me watching her and the interface flickered off.

"You look sad, Shep. Everything all right?"

I shrugged. "You being able to see Keiji's memories just brought a few of my own back."

"They were that bad?"

I looked into the short glass with the un-touched two fingers of whiskey. "Oddly enough, no. The present is, though. Just a few regrets." Large, gaping ones. If I'd been more open with him, would he be here now, trusting in me? After all, it wouldn't be the first time he committed treason for the right reasons.

I had to believe I was doing this for the "right reasons." Thinking about Kaidan and the hunt for Saren brought back the self-doubt, the conviction that right now, I was just a piece in a chess board I couldn't see. The Illusive Man was maneuvering me toward an end I couldn't grasp yet, and I doubted he would care if I came back from this suicide mission at all. Was Anderson also manipulating me? I thought about my team. Each of them, even Jacob, seemed to have some sort of axe to grind with the terrorists. I could easily see Cerberus wanting all of us dead after using us up like a bent datapad. My one sticking point was Miranda. Why send the golden girl protege on a mission that could get her killed? Maybe it was a good thing Kaidan wasn't here. [i]When I fuck this up, he'll have to take care of the Reapers. If he still believes in them.[/i]

"Well, regrets are a part of life." The woman's soft voice informed me, sagely. "They inform us and guide our actions toward the future. I don't think anyone can live entirely without regrets. If they do, they're probably very boring people who never risked anything."

Regrets. In that brief moment the realization hit me. It wasn't pity that I'd seen in his eyes. Not pity, but the urge to comfort me as I'd wanted to comfort him. I hadn't liked that reaction, then. I still wasn't sure I did, but I could understand it. It was my little form of hypocrisy. I could comfort others, but couldn't handle comfort for myself. I never thought I deserved it. I was aware enough to know that. So, after that discomfort, that hint of compassion, I stopped talking about my past. My fault, I know. But he didn't press when I clammed up. If he had, I'd have told him the whole miserable story. I didn't want his pity, as I saw it then. But then, I also didn't press him on Vyrrnus. I knew better than most what it was like to kill at a young age. How it could affect you. But his doors seemed to slam shut then, too, so I didn't push it. Would he have opened up to me, like I would have to him, if the right pressure had been applied?

"Thanks, Kasumi. I'll, uh, leave you to your memories. Just be ready for a mission tomorrow. There're some smugglers that need a lesson in manners."

She smiled. "Of course, Shepard. And if it cheers you up? The word is that Garrus really likes you." I blinked, my heart dropped into my stomach. What the hell brought that on? She shrugged, "I can never tell with turians, but that's the scuttlebutt around the ship."

"Wait, what?" She'd been on board five minutes and knew the ship's gossip already?

She smiled, her white teeth stark against her dusky skin. "I think you should go for it. A lot of people want to see you two together!"

I had to clear my throat again. "A lot of what people?"

She waved a hand, dismissively indicating the ship. "The crew. EDI... people."

I glanced away from her, toward the door and escape. I guess my body language gave me away because she continued. "I'm sorry, did I say too much? I have a bad habit of sticking my nose where it doesn't belong." She paused. "Is there someone else?"

I loved you. "I - er, it's complicated." Why send a valuable member of Cerberus on a suicide mission? Other than everyone being expendable? Was it to make it seem more important than it really was? Was Miranda really there to spy on me? Was I hiding behind this conspiracy theory to keep from thinking about Kaidan? About him dumping me? That last one was obvious. Of course I was. Didn't make the fact that I needed to think about this less valid or less pressing than my needing to figure out how I felt about him. Not that I thought it would be an issue in the future. I doubted I'd ever see him again. His leavetaking on Horizon had been pretty final. Take care of yourself, Shepard.

"Just... not sure what to do with that information, Kasumi."

She frowned at me. Apparently that made no sense. "Take advantage of it, or not, Shep. Life's too short not to embrace every minute of it."

Oddly enough her words echoed that bizarre asari Matriarch bartender on Illium. "After a while, you find peace in whatever arms will hold you." Or something. "I don't know. Like I said. It's complicated. Good night, Kasumi." I drained my drink and sat the cup on the counter.

"Good night, Shep." A little voice from the past made my steps falter a little. "Night, Skipper." God, I miss you, Ash.

I headed for the mess for one last snack before bed. A bed I hated sleeping in. What kind of a sadist puts a view of the stars above the bed of someone who went Flying Dutchman and died? A biotics' metabolism was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I could eat what I wanted. A curse, because I had to eat nearly constantly. My stomach rumbled as if underscoring my thoughts.

I grabbed a PB&J out of the fridge. With this many biotics on board, Gardner had taken to leaving pre-made snacks and sandwiches in the fridge. As long as he washed his hands, I was glad to have an actual, real life cook on board. Even if he had his work cut out for him with so many biotics and a krogan on board. I remembered Wrex straining the SR-1 auto-chef to capacity. I smiled at the memory and looked up. Wait, how did I get here? I looked blankly at the door to the forward battery. I'd taken to stopping by lately before hitting my rack, but I hadn't done so since Sidonis.

I actually hadn't talked to Garrus all day. If the downfall of my relationship with Kaidan had been a lack of communication - with a whole lot of other extenuating circumstances thrown in on top of it - I wasn't about to let the same damage my friendship with Garrus. Taking another bite, I switched my water to my other hand and pinged the admittance chime. I took the indistinct growl as an invitation and cycled the door open.

Again, I was greeted by a blue-clad back. The retractable cot was stretched out, though, retrofitted for a turian. Human cots were too short, among other adjustments that had to be made. I ignored the cot and shivered in the chilly air conditioning as the door cycled closed behind me. Before I could apologize for keeping him awake, he turned slightly to look at me out of the corner of his eye. "You went out without backup again."

I rolled my eyes. Well, at least he's not going to still yell at me about Sidonis. I shoved the last bite of my sandwich in my mouth and chased it with water so I could speak. "If you can explain to me how you wouldn't have stood out like a sore thumb in a humans-only party, I'm all ears."

He turned. "What, a rich human heiress - or whatever your cover was - couldn't hire a body guard?"

I shook my head. "No weapons. Remember? That's why the god-awful Saren statue?" I shrugged. "Besides, all the other body guards had to stand outside with the shuttles. They weren't allowed at the party. And they were human, too."

"We could have thought of something, Shepard."

"But we didn't. And it all worked out."

He leaned against the console and crossed his arms, his cheekplates flared outward for a moment then settled back against his jaw. "Probably because it wasn't your plan to begin with."

"Jackass."

"Pain in the ass." He gave me what passed as a turian grin and I smiled back. It was good to have my friend back. I shivered and he frowned at me. "What's wrong?"

"It's fucking cold in here Garrus. And this dress isn't that warm."

EDI's blue globe popped up in the corner. "I can adjust the ambient temperature for you, Commander, but I'd advise against it. Some areas of the ship, such as the forward battery and engineering, need to stay cooler than others."

I sighed. "I'm aware of that EDI. That's why I'm not asking. Thanks for the offer, though."

The blue globe blinked out with a, "Logging you off, Shepard." It was yet another reminder that my ship wasn't my own and anything I said could and would be used against me.

He gestured with his three-fingered hand toward his cot. "I'm just finishing up some calculations before I quit for the night. This firing solution isn't quite working out as easily as I'd hoped. It might be a while. You can sit down, if you want."

I kicked off my heels and sat, tucking my legs up under me and leaned against the wall. I was still cold. Shivering, I pulled his thermal blanket around me, enveloping myself in his now-familiar scent. "Is this what you do all day? Play with the guns?"

"And watch your six." His fingers flew over the console as he typed in something. Equations, I guess.

"Do you ever get tired of fighting, Garrus?" His hands stilled and he turned slowly to look at me.

"I'm not sure what you mean, Shepard."

"Running from one battle and into another. Saving, rescuing, killing." Fatigue overwhelmed me and I bit back a yawn. Not just from the fight earlier in the day, the overall exhaustion of the constant battles we'd been in since my resurrection. I leaned my head against the wall, not caring that I was knocking the bun loose. I yanked the pins out and held them in my hand, letting my head flop back against the metal and my hair uncurl around my shoulders. "I'd just like there to be a day. Or, God help me, a week, where we're not fighting for our lives and the lives of everyone else in the galaxy or rushing to get into another fight."

When he finally spoke, his voice was low. Sad. "I sometimes forget there's been no downtime for you. That there hasn't been a two-year break in choosing your own battles instead of ones thrown at you."

I looked up at him. I considered throwing one of his cushions at him, but it seemed like too much effort. "Don't fucking pity me, Garrus."

"Who's pitying? You need a vacation, Shepard. Hell, for that matter, I probably do, too." He cleared his throat. "What brought that on all of a sudden?"

Suddenly, the idea of talking about Kaidan to Garrus was horrifying. I wasn't sure why, after all, they had been friends. Maybe not close, but they were friends. Kaidan's actions on Horizon had hurt Garrus almost as much as they hurt me. Though I doubted Garrus felt like he had a gaping hole in his chest. It also wasn't just because they were friends, I reminded myself, thinking of the ever-present AI and all the listening devices. I stood up and handed him his blanket. "No reason. Here, I'm probably just tired. I'm going to get some sleep before we hit those smugglers tomorrow."

His expression puzzled, he took the blanket from me. "Uh, all right, Shepard. I'll see you in the morning."

I picked up my shoes and slid my hairpins into one of the toes. "You know what? No... I can't do this. I promised myself I wouldn't. I was... Kasumi and her situation made me think about Kaidan. We could have used his help here, Garrus."

He turned around fully and leaned against his console, crossing his arms over his chest. "You're right. We could have used his help. But, you've always tried to protect him. Would you honestly risk his life on this mission, knowing it's a one-way ticket?" I opened my mouth to protest the "one-way ticket" thing, but he held up his hand and continued. "I know you say you refuse to believe it's going to be a suicide mission, but you know our odds aren't good."

I looked down at my bare toes. "Garrus... I want you to know something. If it would save Earth, I'd fly the [i]Normandy[/i] into the nearest star tomorrow and us along with it." I looked up at him, through the hair that had fallen into my face. "I can't protect anyone anymore. Not with what's coming. Kaidan chose to walk away. You chose to stand with me. I can't tell you how glad I am to have you here."

I stepped closer and tilted my head up to look into his eyes. "But I'm done protecting people who don't need it."

He stood looking at me a moment. His hand started to move to touch my hair but then he seemed to think better of it and it fell back to his side. "Good. You helped me with clearing my head. I wanted to make sure yours was clear, too. You can't go into a fight like this with regrets. You'll miss something."

I smirked. "Prepared for a lot of suicide missions have you?"

His cheekplates flipped out in his grin. "Only when I'm following you around, Shepard."

I laughed and turned to go, my shoes still in my hand. There was no way in hell I was getting my feet back into those torture devices. "Good night, Garrus."

"Good night, Shepard."