Captain's Personal Log: Vallhallan Threshold, Raheel-Leyya: Treason

"Sorry we're late." Tali's tone of voice summed up both our irritation.

I glanced back at Garrus, but his opaque faceplate was indecipherable, though I knew he was as fed up as we were. "You didn't waste much time declaring us dead." I snapped at the admirals. "Go get your ship."

They exchanged glances and the obnoxious Han'Gerrel replied, "We.. apologize, Shepard. Your success in taking back the Alarei is... unexpected."

On a private channel in my ear, Garrus' voice interrupted. "What are we, amateurs?" I was glad for the faceplate that hid my smirk of agreement.

"But... also very welcome." Tali's aunt was at least less obnoxious, though I was still pissed at her for playing my friend's grief for an audience.

"Did you find anything on the Alarei that could clarify what happened there?" The eagerness in Han'Gerrel's voice was palpable. What the hell was he looking for?

I looked at Tali. The scared girl who'd tried to outsmart some of the more devious criminal minds in the galaxy was still in there somewhere, under the irritation and the intelligence. She was now one of my closest friends. I would not let this go sideways for her. I would not let these assholes railroad her as an excuse to go into a war they could not win. A war I couldn't afford to let them enter into. Hell, at this point, I'd recruit the geth if I could be sure they'd fight on our side and not the Reapers'.

She should be treated like the hero she was. Not a pariah. Not like me, that tiny voice whispered.

"Tali's achievements should be all the evidence you need! Come on, Tali, we're leaving." I turned to go and winked at her out of the corner of my eye. They attempted to protest and I got halfway to the stairs before the protests got louder.

I turned on my heel and glared at them. One of the admirals tried to speak, to excuse himself, and I shouted over him. "Wrong, Admiral! This trial is a sham! You have no interest in Tali or her supposed crimes, do you? This trial isn't about her. It's about the geth." Another outburst I ignored. "You want people to sympathize with them." I jabbed my finger in Koris' general direction. "Han'Gerrel wants all the messy experiments covered up so he can throw the fleet at the geth! Throw your people's lives away all you want, but leave my crew out of your political bullshit! None of you care about Tali! Hell, I'd say none of you cared about the Alarei or Rael'Zorah!" I chopped the air with my hand, underscoring my words. A ripple of concerned voices spread through the crowd behind me which I ignored.

"Tali'Zorah vas Normandy knows more about the geth than any other quarian alive! You should be listening to her, not putting her on trial!" Now why did that sound familiar? "We have no new evidence and frankly we don't need any! You can accept Tali's word, or you can exile the woman who saved the Citadel from the geth!" Suddenly, I felt like I wasn't arguing for just Tali any more. I was arguing on my own behalf. The words I'd wanted to shout at the Council when they'd dismissed me. The arguments I'd wanted to make to the Alliance while they ignored me. The speech I'd wanted to give Kaidan but instead fumbled over my words in an effort to protect him. Apparently, Jacob's recounting of my post-death treatment had, in fact, been bothering me more than I'd wanted to admit. "She showed the galaxy the true value of the quarian people!" As someone said I'd shown of humanity. "I can't think of stronger 'evidence' than that!"

There was dead silence for a moment. Shala'Raan's voice finally broke it. "Are the Admirals prepared to render judgement?" One by one, their 'tools flared open and they typed something into the interface. There was a pause as Raan waited for the votes to arrive at her own omni-tool. I could almost hear the note of relief in her voice when she declared Tali exonerated of all charges.

Garrus' voice almost distracted me, though. "I have to say, Shepard, that was quite a rousing performance." I pressed my lips together to keep from shivering. He had to say it in those low, rumbling tones, too. Asshole.

I wrapped my anger back around me, ignoring the shiver. "With all due respect, Admiral," Ashley's voice echoed from my memory, kiss my ass, "I didn't represent one of your people, I represented one of mine."

Garrus walked down to join us as we waited for their kangaroo court to dismiss. I still wanted to punch one of the Admirals, I didn't care which - though I think I would have preferred Xan with her twisted idea of science - until one of their faceplates shattered. We started walking toward the shuttle area to go back to the Normandy. Tali interrupted my violent fantasy. "I can't believe you pulled that off. What you said... It's been awhile since anyone shouted down the Admiralty board. I think it was good for them. Thank you for being there for my father and me, even when... thank you."

"About what he said... what he did.. I understand that growing up, he was distant, but at least he'd cared. Don't forget that. He did love you. But, Tali, you deserved better."

"I got better, Shepard. I got you." I heard the smile in her voice.

"We could still get you exiled, if you want," Garrus drawled.

She laughed. "But I'm fine with things like this. It was fun watching you shout."

Garrus turned his visor toward me. "Yes, it was, wasn't it." I stared at him for a moment, my heartbeat speeding up. He couldn't possibly be trying to flirt right now. Why the hell did his voice do that to me? I was going crazy. That's it... the stress. No, wait, don't think about stress! And tie-breakers and sonofabitch.

I raised an eyebrow and crossed my arms. "Don't-" My rejoinder was interrupted as Tali caught sight of the bodies being brought back from the Alarei into the cargo area.

"Father!"

"Oh, no." I rushed after her, the sound of Garrus' boots not far behind me.

"Shepard, I -"

"It's all right. We'll stay as long as you need." Her grief seemed to hit her all over again and she collapsed to her knees beside the body. Her aunt approached and knelt down next to Tali, enfolding her in her arms. I guess she was the only close family Tali had left. I knelt down next to my friend and felt Garrus' hand on my shoulder. I glanced up and he nodded at me. I grasped the hand on my shoulder and put my other hand on Tali's back. She transferred herself to me and I suddenly had an armful of sobbing quarian.

We stayed for the services, of course. The period before the actual funeral (which Tali called by something the translator garbled even further) was the requisite five Rannoch days. I sent The Normandy on a mission under Miranda's command to find resources in the surrounding systems. We were in desperate need of eezo for repairs and the quarians were going to let us have discovery rights for a percentage. Garrus and I hung out on the fleet. I did have an ulterior motive for staying, though, and not just to support Tali. I intended to talk the admirals out of their ill-advised attempt at war with the geth.

So, they allowed Garrus and I a sterile suite where we could actually climb out of our armor during the sleep cycle. I was beginning to hate wearing it. Living in close quarters with Garrus, however, proved it's own problem.

We hadn't kissed or touched once, since that time in the main battery. And quarian beds were not conducive to sharing. I guess they didn't do a lot of cuddling because of the suits. Still, five days in close quarters alone with Garrus? And I still wanted to touch him every five seconds.

Tali spent the time visiting her extended family on the Rayya and on other ships amongst the fleet. Garrus and I spent the time trying to convince the other admirals not to plan for a war they couldn't win. It was in the evenings, when Garrus and I returned to the allotted quarters alone that I felt awkward. Around the second day, I sprawled on the chair in front of the desk which was two paces from the narrow bunks that hung on the wall and watched him clean his sniper rifle for 500th time. (OK, so that was an exaggeration.)

"You know, I hate waiting."

"Never would have guessed, Shepard. I've never known you to deal well with boredom." He still didn't look up from the rifle.

"Well, it would help pass the time if you would actually talk to me."

His hands stilled and he looked at me, his cheekplates fluttered slightly. "All right, what do you want to talk about?"

I grasped at straws. "Well, I really hope we can talk the Admirals out of their stupidity."

"I do, too. But I don't see it happening."

"You're right." I fell silent, not sure what else to say. He went back to cleaning the rifle. I resisted the urge to yank it out of his hands. I got up and paced the confines of the small cabin - the whole route took four paces. I had too much energy. There hadn't been anywhere to spar or work out. The quarians, despite our good will, weren't letting us near their marine country.

"Garrus -"

"Shepard -"

We both began, interrupting each other. I grinned and motioned for him to go ahead. He set the rifle aside. "Are you feeling alright?"

"Yes." He just looked at me. "Fine. I'm agitated. Antsy. I'm frustrated."

"The quarian Admirals are frustrating, I'll give you that much."

"And all I can think about is kissing you." I blurted out. His cheekplates fluttered outward in surprise. Smooth Meghan, real smooth.

He rubbed the back of his neck and looked at the floor. "I, uh - was it that bad?" I stared at him. How could he -? Apparently, I stared at him too long since he looked up from the floor his eyes as wide as they could go. "Shep-?"

"Shut up, Garrus." I interrupted him. I crossed the room and climbed into his lap, pushing his upper body against the wall. I cupped his face in my hands, my thumbs tracing his cheekplates. "I liked it. I thought I made that clear."

His hands slid up my legs to rest on my hips. "I liked it, too."

"Good. I'd like to do more of it. Though going further is probably not a good idea at the moment." I circled his small nose with my own.

"Probably not." His voice dipped into that lower tone that made me want to throw caution to the wind and rip his clothes off. "We need to stay focused."

I nipped at one of his cheekplates with my lips. "No acting like horny teenagers." I whispered. "Got it." He pulled me tighter against him and pressed his mouth against mine. I wrapped my arms around him and let my fingers trace that sensitive spot under his fringe until he trembled against me.

The time alone in our cabin progressed a lot faster after that. We stopped avoiding touching and actually enjoyed the occasional teasing caress and passing light kiss in our tight quarters. But in the meetings with the Admirals, we were formal and all business. It was only when we passed the decon chamber of the guest quarters and helped each other off with our armor that we actually allowed ourselves to enjoy the time together that was just us. I got to show him a few of my favorite movies from growing up. He talked me into watching Fleet and Flotilla and tried not to laugh when I teared up at the sappy parts. We laughed ourselves silly at the Blasto series and its ridiculous Spectre portrayals. We decided Vraenia was better to wait on though; neither one of us were ready to progress to that level. We took full advantage of the time together we'd never really get on The Normandy.

Tali stayed away, more often than not. I don't know if it was to subtly give us privacy, or she just missed her people that much - or the funeral preparations took up that much time. We weren't really told much. But I hoped Garrus and I weren't that obvious that she wanted to avoid us, even if she already knew we'd begun to be more than friends. This was all insanely new to me, despite Hicks and Kaidan. Garrus had somehow become my best friend. With the promise of more, eventually. With Hicks, our friendship had grown out of the mutual attraction and raging hormones. With Kaidan, I wondered if we'd ever been friends at all, or just lovers. But then, Garrus would sit down next to me, pull my legs up over his lap and press the commands on his 'tool to start the next installment of the adventures of Blasto.

~*~

Quarian funerals involved a lot of hugging. I guess it had to do with the fact that they were such social and demonstrative people, being in constant close-quarters and always having to be somewhat exaggerated with their body language thanks to the nearly opaque masks. The admirals were fine with us visiting, but they wouldn't grant my crew leave to visit the flotilla. Apparently, Cerberus had made no friends here. What a surprise.

We stood arrayed around the airlock, Garrus and I behind Tali and the quarian leaders.. Tali, her purple scarf replaced by a blindingly bleached white length of fabric, stood next to her aunt, also wearing white and with the other admirals, draped in red. Rael'Zorah's other mourners - I guess after all, it was a state funeral - arranged themselves in neat rows behind us. Floating vid cameras jockeyed for position overhead, their bright spotlights all aiming for the mourning Admiral's daughter. Han'Gerrel led the memorial service. He stood in front of the closed casket, his hands folded together in front of him. "Blessed are the ancestors who kept us alive, sustained us and enabled us to reach this season. Blessed are those who fought for our people. Blessed are those who gave their lives so that we might continue. Rael'Zorah gave his life to protect the Flotilla and to bring us one step closer to returning to our home."

Everyone responded, "Kelah'Selai." Garrus and I were a beat behind, not being familiar with the ritual. But we stood for Tali. She needed us. Han'Gerrel motioned for her to come forward. It was her turn. She glanced back at us and I nodded at her, solemnly.

She stood up in front of the entire crowd. I saw her shoulders visibly draw back and her spine straighten. Her faceplate aimed itself at me and I knew she was focusing on me like a lifeline. She cleared her throat.

"From my first steps, father, you have cradled me.
With your last breath, you watched over me.
Your only desire was to give me a home;
A home beyond ship hull and biodome.
We drift among the stars, in our calculations we trust
Only to stop when we must.
Every journey must end
I did not wish yours just yet,
I will continue onward, around the bend.
We will return to when we met."

It wasn't great poetry, but it was heartfelt and I swallowed around the lump in my throat. Tali had told me ahead of time that she'd be required to recite a poem. Preferably original. I suppose it made sense for a people as renowned for their music as the quarians to also revere poetry. But that's a hell of a difficult thing to require a grieving person. Though I suppose if it were required of everyone, you'd probably think about it a lot. She came back to stand beside me, her shoulders still back and her chin still up. I gave her hand a squeeze and went back to parade rest.

To my surprise, Han'Gerrel turned to me instead of continuing the ceremony and asked. "Do you have anything you'd like to say, Captain?" Tali hadn't even warned me it might be my duty as her captain to say anything.

I glanced at Tali. The dim glow of her eyes widened in surprise behind her mask. But she shrugged and nodded, once. Uh, ok. I stepped forward to the front of the crowd, hoping I wouldn't cause an intergalactic incident or be disrespectful in any way. I didn't want to give them a poem about struggle and fighting to press on, not when I'd been shouting "peace" at them for three days. I needed something calmer, that still expressed that Rael's journey was done, but everyone needed to keep going. "I... don't have a poem of my own prepared, but I'd like to share with you one of my favorite Earth poets, Robert Frost.

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sounds the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."