INSERT COIN
INSERT COIN
INSERT CO- Clink!
"Okay, so where do I start? Um, My name's Cole, Crush it Cole. And, I'm a Bad Guy. Let's see, I'm nine feet tall, weigh about six hundred forty-three pounds. I've got a bit of a temper, I guess. My emotions bubble pretty near to the surface."
"What else? I'm a crusher, as you probably could tell. I crush things professionally. I'm really good at it too. Best I know. If you want something smashed, bashed, or destroyed, I'm your man."
"The problem is, 'fixing' is the name of the game. Literally, figuratively, and metaphorically, all that. I mean, my game is actually called 'Fix it Jay Junior'. So obviously the guy named Fix it Jay Junior is the big hero and stuff."
"He's pretty nice as good guys go, I guess. Fixes stuff really well, definitely does his job. But when you inherit a magic hammer from your father, how hard can it be, really? I guarantee you that if he had a regular hammer, like the standard issue ones you get at a supply store, he would not be able to fix the kind of damage I do that quickly."
"My game goes kinda like this:"
"I start out going to sleep inside the stump I call home. Bulldozers come and, uh, bulldoze the forest around me. My 'home' is pushed to the city dump and a big ol' apartment building is built in its place. A bunch of Nicelanders move in there immediately."
"I wake up then and say, "Hey! You moved my stump!" So I run over to the building and yell my catchphrase, "I'm gonna crush it!" Then I can start breaking windows, pouring down bricks, and basically destroying stuff."
"The key point is when I reach in one of the windows, pull out Gene (he's the mayor of the Nicelanders), and send him flying through the air. That's when the Nicelanders, who were apparently too scared/unconcerned about the building before then to talk, get to shout, "Fix it, Jay!""
"Jay comes striding up in all his blue suited and hatted glory, happily tossing his hammer up and down. He starts off by cheering, "I can fix it!" One of the lamest catchphrases ever if you ask me, which nobody ever does."
"Once Junior says his stupid catchphrase, he begins platforming up and down and around on the sides of the building. He's the playable character, so he moves wherever the player takes him. Sucker. He keeps repairing windows and stuff until Nicelander Mary opens a window and hands him a pie."
"The pies apparently have magical powers or something, because as soon as he eats it his hat flashes colors and becomes indestructible. Mister Fix-it can then fix windows like ten times faster and fixes them all before making it to the roof. Apparently that's what he was trying to do all along, because that takes control out of the player's hands and sends us into pre-planned scenes that make up the end of the game while big flashing letters say "You fixed it!"."
"Whenever Bluejay does a good job and wins (which is almost always), he gets a kiss on the cheek, more pie, and (here's the bombshell) a medal to wrap up the game."
"When I do a good job of crushing stuff, the Nicelanders pick me up, toss me off the building, and I go tumbling through the air to crash into a puddle of mud many, many stories below. Because, are there medals for the sweet science of crushing stuff! To that, all I can say is ha! And no, there are not."
"It's not like I'm complaining. Well, it's a little like I'm complaining. But I get it. I been doing this long enough to know a steady arcade gig's nothing to sneeze at, especially at a great place like Wu's Family Fun Center."
"Seen a lotta games come and go. I mean, think about all those guys from Asteroids. Boom! Gone. Centipede? Pft, who knows where that guy is. Nah, I know I'm very lucky."
"It's just, after so many years, it becomes kind of hard to love your job when no one seems to like you for doing it. You know?"
"And hey, maybe I wouldn't be feeling this way if things were different after work. But as it is, Felix and the Nicelanders go hang out in their homes -which he's just fixed- and run away when I pass by."
"So I head off to the pile of building parts and garbage in the dump, where I live. You might call it a lonely cesspit of despair on the outskirts of humanity... Which would be pretty accurate. But I call it home."
"I guess I can't complain too much. After all, I got my bricks. I got my stump. It looks uncomfortable but it's actually fine. I'm all good."
"But, if I'm really honest with myself, I watch Jay up there through the windows of his apartment. He's always hanging up his medals, talking with the Nicelanders, getting pies and great food, acting like Captain Fancy. And sometimes I think..." Cole sighed.
"Man. It must be nice being the good guy."
Cue the applause.