CHAPTER 10

FOUR POV

The rest of the ceremony went past in a blur. It feels like a lifetime since I left my home but it was only this morning. We are standing on the roof with Amar. I have Zeke and Shauna with me; thank goodness my friends are with me. I look over to the crowd of initiates and I see the one person I hoped I would never have to see again, Eric.

I can't believe he picked Dauntless, well I can he is a brute. But I was hoping he wouldn't pick Dauntless. At least him being a transfer I won't have to have much to do with him. Although now he is here I know there will come a time when I will have to fight him, he will make sure of that.

"Welcome to Dauntless!" Amar shouts. "Where you either face your fears and try not to die in the process, or you leave a coward. We've got a record low of faction transfers this year, unsurprisingly."

I and the other Dauntless start to punch the air and whoop, we all take great pride in the fact that no one wants to join us.

"The only way to get into the Dauntless compound from this rooftop is to jump of the ledge," Amar says, opening his arms wide to indicate the empty space around him. He tilts back on his heels and waves his arms around, like he's about to fall, then catches himself and grins.

"As usual, I offer the opportunity to go first to our initiates, Dauntless-born or not." He hops down from the ledge and gestures to it, eyebrows raised.

I may not like heights but I am not going to miss the opportunity to be the first jumper. "I'll do it," I say. Zeke high fives me as I walk towards the ledge and the other Dauntless-borns let out a cheer.

I get onto the ledge and I look down. Big mistake I should never have looked down. I am regretting my decision to go first but that only lasts a second or two and then I tilt forward and let myself fall. My stomach drops and my limbs fumble in the air for something, anything to hold on to, but there is nothing, only the drop, the air, the frantic search for the ground.

Then I hit a net. I am so thankful that it is over. The net curls around me. I hook my fingers in the net and pull myself toward the hands at the edge of the net. I land on my feet on a wooden platform and that is when I see dad standing there with the biggest grin on his face.

"First jumper Four," dad calls out to the crowd. I couldn't see anyone at first and then I see them. The Dauntless were hiding in the shadows. "Welcome to Dauntless," dad says as I hop of the platform and run over to give Charlie a big hug. "I told dad you would be first, I knew you wouldn't make me wait," Charlie says. I then see mum and I give her a quick hug and dad comes over and gives me a friendly slap on the shoulder. "I'm proud of you son," he says.

Zeke is the next jumper and he comes and joins me as we wait for everyone else to jump. "That was so cool, man we have to do that again," Zeke says. I am just shaking my head. There is no way I am going to do that again ever, I think to myself. Next he will want me to go zip lining with him. Shauna has finally jumped and she comes over and we all hug. We are joined by Uriah and Lynn both are ecstatic to see their siblings back in the Dauntless compound.

We are standing among the other initiates when Amar lands on the net. He rolls off the net and is having a conversation with my dad. When he has finished talking to dad he gathers us all around him in a semicircle. "My name is Amar and I will be your initiation instructor. I grew up here, and three years ago, I passed initiation with flying colours, which means I get to be in charge of all of you this year. We will all be training together. Dauntless-borns will fight each other and the transfers will only fight transfers. This is so the Dauntless-borns don't break you transfers in half."

"This year we are going to try something different. The Dauntless leaders and I want to see if knowing your fears before you begin training will better prepare you for the rest of initiation. So before we even let you have dinner we are going to do some self-discovery. Follow me," says Amar.

We follow Amar down a tunnel and then we stop at a door built into the wall. Amar shoves the door open with his shoulder and we follow him in. I have been here before, it was not long after I came to Dauntless and dad was watching the initiates go through their fear landscapes. I am thinking how I had told dad that I would only have four fears. Now is going to be my moment of truth, am I really Four or will dad be giving me shit for the rest of my life over my bold statement.

"This is the fear landscape room. A fear landscape is a simulation in which you confront your worst fears," Amar explains.

"How is that possible?" Eric says. "You don't know our worst fears."

"Eric right?" Amar says. "You're correct, I don't know your worst fears, but the serum I am going to inject you with will stimulate the parts of your brain that process fear, and you will come up with the simulation obstacles yourself, so to speak. In this simulation, unlike in the aptitude test simulation, you will be aware that what you are seeing is not real. Meanwhile, I will be in this room, controlling the simulation, and I get to tell the program embedded in the simulation serum to move on to the next obstacle once your heart rate reaches a particular level – once you calm down, in other words, or face your fear in a significant way. When you run out of fears, the program will terminate and you will 'wake up' in that room again with a greater awareness of your own fears."

"Allow me to satisfy your Erudite curiosity," he says. "You get to go first."

"But—"

"But," Amar says smoothly, "I am your instructor and it is in your best interest to do as I say. But that's ok I'm sure Four here will do the honours of going first."

I can see Eric is now sneering at Amar. I nod my head and walk up to Amar who injects me in the neck with the serum and then he takes me into the next room to start the simulation. Amar knows the trouble I'd been having at school with Eric. So we both have satisfied smirks on our faces as we pass Eric. He has just been made a fool of in front of all initiates and I'm sure he will want to prove himself as soon as possible now. I was first jumper and now I am first to go through the fear simulation, I can almost see the steam rising from his head.

I stand up straight and wait for the room to disappear.

I open my eyes and find myself on the top of a really tall building. Great I think to myself, my fear of heights. I am standing on the edge of the building. I cringe away from the edge, but the wind won't let me move backward. My hear pounds harder and faster as I confront the reality of what I have to do. I know I have to jump. I shake out my hands, squeeze my eyes shut, and scream into my teeth. Then I follow the push of the wind and I drop, fast. I hit the ground.

Searing, white-hot pain rushes through me, just for a second.

I stand up, wiping dust from my cheek, and wait for the next obstacle. I don't have to wait long before I see them. My family, Max, Sasha and Charlie are sitting tied to chairs there is a table behind them and I can see a knife and a gun on the table. Charlie is crying but Max and Sasha are just staring at me. Then I see her, Evelyn, she has a gun in her hand. I run towards the table trying to get to the weapons before she has time to shoot. I am running as I hear the first shot ring out. I see dads head fall and I know he is dead. I have stopped in front of Charlie when the second shot rings out and I see mums head fall. Charlie is screaming now, the noise makes my heart beat faster. I lean over Charlie and reach for the gun. As I turn with the gun in my hand Evelyn has shot another bullet from her gun. The bullet goes through my stomach and hits Charlie. I don't think I just shoot Evelyn in the head, right between her eyes. My family might be dead and I may be dying but there is no way I will ever choose Evelyn over the family that loves me.

I am still slouched over holding my stomach when the room changes again. The pain from my stomach wound has gone. I am sitting on the ground trying to catch my breath when I feel small fists hitting me around my head and shoulders. "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. Why didn't you tell me you were alive," Beatrice is screaming at me. She may only be seven just like the day she told me she hated me but it doesn't matter it still fills me with the guilt I have been carrying with me for the last seven years. She doesn't stop hitting me and she is crying now. I grab her hands to stop her from hitting me. I am trying to think of how I can get out of this. I may have stopped her from hitting me but she is still screaming how she hates me. Every time she tells me she hates me I know my heart rate is going up. "Stop," I yell. I know I would not usually raise my voice like this, especially not to Beatrice but I need her to stop, I need her to listen to me. I need her to know the truth even if it is just a simulation.

Beatrice is startled and has stopped yelling at me, the room goes dark. I am moving on to the next obstacle. A circle of light envelopes me, and at its edge, I see worn gray shoes pacing. Marcus steps into the edge of the light, but not the Marcus that I remember. This one has pits for eyes and a gaping black maw instead of a mouth.

Another Marcus stands beside him, and slowly, all around the circle, more and more monstrous versions of him step forward and surround me. The first Marcus undoes his belt and slides it out from around his waist; the other Marcus's do the same. I know what is coming; it is the nightmare that I have lived with almost every night since Max rescued me from Abnegation.

"This is for your own good," they all say to me as they whip me with their belts. "It is your fault she isn't home; she doesn't come home because she doesn't want you." I am screaming from the pain but I also know I need to calm down; I need my heart rate to go down. I think back to this morning when I was woken by Charlie jumping on my bed. She is giggling as she jumps. I concentrate on the sound of her giggles until the room goes black again.

I stand up waiting for the next obstacle but all I hear are footsteps. I look up to see Amar has re entered the room. "Well I can't believe it, Max was right. He told me you were only going to have four fears, I didn't believe him. Looks like you've really earned your name now Four," he says.

We walk out of the room and into the room where all the initiates are standing waiting for their turn. "Well good luck everyone. We have a new fear landscape record. Four here only has four fears. I can't wait to see if any of you can beat that," Amar says. He is looking straight at Eric as he says it. "Four you can go and get your stuff from home and bring it down to the Dauntless-born dormitory. We will see you at dinner." I go to walk out of the room and Zeke gives me a high five. I'd be smiling if I wasn't feeling so haunted by the images I had just seen in my fear landscape.