She's sought solace in the embrace of someone else. Now she must deal with the consequences of a one night stand. She has to face the reality of having another baby. This time is different though. She never planned for this one. She didn't ask for it.
Another tear hits her pillow. Maybe she doesn't even want it. She thinks of the list of reasons the doctor spouted off to her earlier in the day. Her breath hitches as she considers all the complications. There are so many ramifications for her to deal with, both personally, and professionally.
Before she can get sucked any further down the rabbit hole she hears tiny footsteps smacking against the hardwood floor. A little girl leaps onto the bed next to her. She rolls onto her left side to meet the little girl in the middle of the bed. She feels a tiny hand on her cheek. She kisses the palm of Izzy's hand.
"Don't cry," the little girl tells her.
She wipes the tears from her face. Izzy snuggles against her chest. She kisses the top of her head.
"I love you," she whispers.
"Night, mommy."
She sits in the kitchen the following morning watching Izzy eat her breakfast. The two year old sits in her booster seat, successfully feeding herself. She is fiercely independent. She feeds herself and dresses herself. She has been successfully potty-trained. She is happy, and healthy.
A baby would change everything. It would disrupt their whole world. Their routine would be disrupted. There would be sleepless nights, and crying. There would be diapers to change, and bottles to make. The thought of being outnumbered makes Sarah feel overwhelmed. She takes a sip off coffee, and suddenly it tastes bitter. She spits the tepid coffee back into the mug. She places the mug on the table, and looks up at Izzy. She finds a pair of hazel eyes staring back at her.
"Don't cry," Izzy tells her.
She exhales, "I'm okay," she lies.
"Mommy?"
"Huh?"
"Eat!" Izzy points to the soggy bowl of cereal sitting in front of Mac.
"Are you done?"
"Yes," she nods in confirmation.
"Is it okay if mommy stays home with you today?" She questions as she vacates her seat.
"No."
Mac empties the food into the garbage disposal. She rinses their dishes, and puts them in the dishwasher. She scoots Izzy away from the table, and lifts her out of the booster seat.
"Mommy wants to stay home with you today."
"No!"
"Okay. I'll got to work."
"Go!"
Mac rolls her eyes. They finish getting ready, and Mac grabs their bags, and heads to the car. She loads Izzy into the back, and drops her off at daycare. She goes onto work insistent upon focusing on the job, and not the train wreck that is her life.
That night after she puts Izzy to bed she's sitting in bed reading when the phone rings. She grabs the phone off the bedside stand, and presses it to her ear.
"Hello?" She answers.
"Hey I was just calling to check in," Harriet reveals.
"You don't have to check in."
"You were pretty upset when I left you yesterday."
"I still am."
"Is there anything that I can do?"
"You're doing it."
"What have you decided?"
"My daughter just lost her father. We just moved into a new house. Her entire life has changed over the past three months. She has a routine. She is potty trained. She feeds herself, and dresses herself. A baby would disrupt all of that. It would shift time, attention, and resources away from her. It would change everything. It's just me. It would be me, and two kids under the age of three. I don't think that I can do it."
"You can do anything."
"I don't want to have to. I don't want this baby to feel as if it's a burden. I felt that way my entire childhood, and I wouldn't want anyone to feel that way because of me. I don't have time for another child. This is the worst possible timing."
"So you've made a decision?"
"I don't want another child. I always knew that I wanted Izzy. We planned her. We waited for her. I loved her before I ever laid eyes on her. She was everything that I dreamed of. I wanted a child. That is all I ever considered, one child."
"You're having doubts?"
"I didn't plan this. I didn't expect this. I never wanted a second child. How could I ever get over that? How could I ever love another child the way that I love Izzy? I would feel guilty for being obligated to another human being."
"Love is multiplied, not divided when you have another child."
"I just don't know how I could make it work."
"So you've made up your mind?"
"Yes," she confirms.
"And there is nothing that I can do to change your mind?"
"No."
"When is the appointment?"
A lump forms in her throat, "I haven't made one."
"Let me know when you do."
"Okay."
"Goodnight," she hangs up the phone.
She returns the phone to its previous location. She places her book on the bedside stand, and flips off the lamp. She settles in her covers. She closes her eyes, but sleep doesn't come easily. After much tossing, and turning sleep finally envelopes her.
She's sitting in her backyard, at a picnic table. She hears Izzy screaming. The little girl hops off the swing set, and runs towards her. She stops in front of Mac with a look of concern on her face.
"Where is my baby?" She asks.
"Izzy there is no baby," she answers.
"Where is my baby?"
"What baby?"
She points at Mac's abdomen, "Where is it?" She cries.
She wakes up in a cold sweat, tangled in sheets. The hairs on the back of her neck stand straight up.