A/N: Hey guys. I would like to apologize for the delay in posting. My life has just been totally turned upside down these past 6 weeks and I have not been able to write. I am now back in England and starting my life again, well trying, so writing is currently very difficult for me. Please be patient, I am trying and will get more up as soon as I can. As always, thank you mingsmommy for the beta.

Chapter 41

Averting his gaze, Grissom played with her fingers for a moment before drawing her hand to his lips. He kissed the back of each finger in turn then sighed heavily into her soft skin.

"We didn't always hate each other, well…I should rephrase that…" he mumbled into her hand, "….he didn't always hate me and no matter what people may think, I don't hate him even if the way we interact may suggest so. I simply can't hate him for what happened between us. Our conflict was my fault and not his." The rancher stopped and swallowed hard, struggling to continue. He had never spoken about this to anyone before, anyone. He felt Sara pull her hand away and then suddenly a gentle pressure under his chin.

She slipped a finger there and lifted so their eyes met. "Tell me what happened. It will make you feel better, I promise." She ran her finger softly over his lips. "And I give you my word that whatever you tell me will go no further. Trust me, alright?"

"I do trust you," he responded immediately. "It's just very difficult for me to talk about it. They're memories I have not recalled for a very long time."

"Just…" She placed her hand back over his heart, "…take your time and if you need to stop, then do so."

Nodding slowly, he took a deep breath and prepared to relive a point in his life that had taken away a piece of his soul…

"It happened just over fourteen years ago. The estate was booming and our work force at this time was large. I and Conrad worked under Robbins; kind of his seconds, as at this point we were both very experienced about the place. I was happy just working and doing my job well but a rivalry had developed between us and he always wanted to be better than me. Plus, the captain and Robbins seemed to favor me over him and he hated that.

"We were friends, not buddy like, but friends of sorts. He and his sister, Rebecca, had arrived at the estate five years earlier and, regardless of his competitive streak, we worked together very well and that was the important thing. They had come to the estate after the death of their parents in a house fire. They had no family but as Mr and Mrs Ecklie had worked for your father for a long time and worked very well, he took the children in, just like he had done with me; because they had nowhere else to go. Conrad was ten when he arrived, just a little younger than me and Rebecca was a year younger than him.

"Rebecca was a lovely girl. She was incredibly pretty with long flowing golden hair, a perfect figure, the loveliest smile I think I had ever seen up to that point in my life and the most curious emerald colored eyes; unusual, but most captivating.

"She didn't take the death of her mother and father very well though and found it very hard to adapt around the estate. She didn't seem to like working for her keep at first and was quite a wild child. Even though Conrad didn't appreciate it all that much, it took a lot of grooming on my part to calm her down. I liked her and given my past, I did empathize with her situation. Conrad just seemed to be a lot stronger and took the loss of his parents better than she did, although I knew he wasn't as close to them as Rebecca was. She did eventually seem to calm down and allowed me to teach her things. We actually got quite close and that was another thing that her brother didn't like. To me though it was just friendship and I thought Rebecca felt the same way but everything seemed to change when she hit fifteen and the fifth anniversary of her parent's death came around.

"At this time she was working at the main house, in the kitchens and helping with the housekeeping. Her whole attitude towards me changed and she seemed to want to take our friendship to another level, a level which I did not want nor could even contemplate going to. There were numerous occasions while I was alone, chopping wood, tending to the cattle or mucking the stables for example, when she would find me and attempt to seek my attentions.

"I wasn't entirely sure why she was acting this way all of a sudden but as far as I was concerned we were friends and only friends. For one, even though she was attractive, I simply didn't feel attracted to her in a sexual or relationship way and two, Conrad made it blatantly clear after seeing us together when she was trying to get close to me that I keep my hands off. He was very protective of Rebecca and didn't think she was old enough for a relationship, let alone one with me and all in all, he said I simply wasn't good enough for her. He was probably right and I wasn't afraid of him but I informed him that I had no intention of having a relationship with his sister. We were just friends and no matter what he'd seen that's all we were ever going to be. I advised he talked to Rebecca, inform her that nothing would happen between us because she wasn't listening to me and kept on pursuing me no matter what I said.

"Once Conrad had spoken to her things got worse. She was very angry he had interfered and started blaming him for me not wanting her. She really, really started to lose her grasp on reality and even began spreading rumors that we were in a relationship. When I heard this, I decided to confront her but something else came to light when I did so. I discovered, after finding her intoxicated in the staff quarters that she had been stealing alcohol from the captain's cellar. How long this had been happening, I didn't know but it could have put an explanation on why she did act really strangely sometimes, especially when she was attempting to…entice me. I should have known something was going on but it didn't really cross my mind that she had a drinking problem.

"When I confronted her she thought it was funny, dancing around the room, bragging how easy it was for her to take what she wanted from the cellars. I told her what she was doing was wrong and she needed to stop. If she got caught she could lose everything but what was I supposed to do? Ultimately my loyalty lay with the captain but if I told him, I knew he would more than likely kick her off the estate. She was too drunk for me to talk to her at that point, in fact, after a little more prancing around the room, she fell onto the bed and passed out. So, I decided to wait until the following day to try and sort out the mess she was in. Not only her infatuation with me but with her theft and drinking.

"The next day was a chaotic day, though. It was the captain's birthday and a huge party was to happen that evening. I was busy most of the day helping with preparations and Rebecca was busy in the kitchens so, I didn't get a chance to talk with her until a few hours before the party was due to start. I made a point of talking to her though and pulled her from her kitchen duties. I made excuses and took her somewhere quiet so we could talk. We ended up in the barn as no one was around there at that time.

"What really astounded me was she acted as if nothing had happened the previous evening. She actually thought I'd taken her there so we could be alone together. It was just madness, especially when she leapt onto me and I almost ended up on the floor. It took me some time and patience to free myself from her embrace. Obviously, I tried to do it in the gentlest way possible and that's not easy when someone doesn't get the message. Eventually, I managed to pry myself from her grasp and pushed her away but she just laughed at me and told me I wanted her, that I was just playing hard to get but she liked that.

"I told her she was delusional, nothing was ever going to happen between us and she needed help, not only for her continuing search for my attention but for her drinking problem. She needed some serious, serious help and if she didn't allow me to get her some then I would inform the captain of her theft. I was bluffing, of course, but she didn't know that and I didn't know what else to do.

"Now she changed completely, it was like a personality switch; she turned on me and started hitting me, screaming that I was lying, that I loved her because she loved me. It was crazy. I grabbed her hands as she continued to pummel me and pushed her away again, telling her to calm down. She screamed at me again and ran from the barn. I gave chase, but as I exited the building I ran straight into Conrad. Seems he needed some more hay bales for the party décor and heard the commotion as he approached. He must have seen his sister running away and he was furious. Asked me what the hell I was doing and advanced on me. Now I had to tell him to calm down and that I hadn't done anything but he didn't seem to want to listen. Instead he ran after Rebecca and that was the last I saw of him until I reported for my duties at the party.

"Typically, Conrad and I were working together and the atmosphere between us was beyond tense. When I arrived at the house's main entrance he was already waiting. He said I had a lot to answer for, that he never did find his sister and if I'd done anything to hurt her, then I'd pay for it. Before I got a chance to fight for my side Robbins arrived and told us to stop dallying and arguing. We had an example to set being the first point of call for the guests.

We were looking after the transportation, the arriving horses, coaches and wagons and taking them to the stable or barn. We would then collect and return them to the front door when the guests were ready to leave. It wasn't a very fun evening, for either of us, and we spent more time glaring at each other than anything else. We did both get a little time at the party, not much, but the captain allowed us one by one to have a drink and relax for a short while.

"I did try, on several occasions to speak with Conrad, to explain that I hadn't done anything wrong and Rebecca needed help. I didn't mention the alcohol to him but regardless, he refused to listen to me. I never did get to tell him my side of the story and I just hoped Rebecca was alright as we hadn't seen her since the earlier confrontation.

"The night was long but eventually the evening drew towards its close. Not many guests were left and one of the final groups of people to leave was Colonel McKeen and his associates. I liked the colonel, well, back then anyway, he had the most amazing horses and it was an honor to be able to ride his fine stallion. I very much looked forward to returning horse to master.

"He was rather intoxicated when he came out and I remember him putting his arm around me. I wasn't entirely sure whether he was in a fit state to ride but this was the colonel, so I kept my mouth shut. You wouldn't dare tell him what he could or couldn't do. He slurred in my ear something about making sure I'm very careful with his horse, that the stables can be a dangerous place when its dark and I better not put a scratch on Phantom. I assumed he was just playing with me and I assured him that I would be extremely careful. He laughed at me, I wasn't quite sure why he did but he did and then he gave me a healthy slap on the back.

"I recall Conrad rolling his eyes at the playfulness McKeen was showing me and quickly urged me to get on with my job and help him collect the horses. As we walked away I heard drunken comments from the group as to how luscious some of the female staff members were and how they would like 'to get a piece of that if they weren't such worker trash.' My esteem of the colonel fell dramatically as he laughed heartily at the disgusting comments.

"Anyway, we approached the stable to collect the horses and noticed one horse was wandering around outside. This was highly unusual as the stalls were always secured in the evenings and especially this evening. If one of the guest's horses went missing we would be in serious trouble. Conrad and I exchanged a confused glance before we walked a little faster and entered the stable. Upon noticing the furthest stall door was open, we approached and what we found inside was far more horrific than anything I could have even contemplated.

"I remember seeing the feet first and my eyes shot up quickly. I couldn't quite believe what I was looking at, Rebecca, hanging from a beam by a length of rope. I seemed to be rooted to the spot and felt the color drain from my own face as I looked over her pale and haunting features. Her eyes were closed and her lips a strange kind of blue color, like a color I had never seen before. After what seemed like an eternity, the sound of Conrad's voice and the fact that he leapt into the stable, snapped me from my stare.

"He grabbed her legs and pushed up, yelling at me to get something to cut her down while he tried to take the weight from her neck. It was too late, inside me I knew that she was already gone but I ran to the work bench, grabbed a knife and ran back to the stall. I handed the knife to Conrad and took Rebecca's legs while he climbed up the stalls wall and quickly hacked at the rope. It took only about ten seconds for him to cut through the rope and the full weight of Rebecca fell upon me. She was very cold and after I lowered her to the floor I quickly checked to see if she was breathing. She wasn't. I look at Conrad and shook my head but he pushed me out of the way and I literally fell from the stall as he pulled his sister into his arms and begged her to wake up.

"Rebecca was dead and there wasn't anything we could do. My mind was spinning and I didn't know what to do with myself as Conrad cried into his sibling, holding her close, asking why. Why had this happened, what had she done?

"I knew I had to inform people at the house but when I told Conrad I was going to do this he leapt to his feet and slammed me against the wall, yelling at me, saying I couldn't tell. He was in shock and pain, yes, and more than likely not thinking straight but I had to take control before he lost it. It only took a split second for me to overpower him and suddenly our positions were reversed and I was the one who had him pinned against the wall. He crumbled in my hold, slid down the wall to floor and sobbed uncontrollably. I felt sick as he begged me not to tell anyone she had took her own life. It was not only a sin but people would brand her a crazy person and they would never stop talking about her in a disrespectful way. He couldn't bare that, he grabbed my legs and pleaded with me, quite literally. He said I owed it as much to Rebecca as he did.

"With some hesitation I asked him what he wanted to do and he pushed himself to his feet. After wiping his face and taking a moment to gather a little composure he looked back to his sister and said we needed to make it look like an accident. We could fix it to look like she was fooling around on one of the horses, fell and caught herself in the reins. We had found her so no one would know any different and would not question it. It was his sister after all.

"So that's what we did. We made it look like an accident and the incident was never questioned. The evening came to a swift and sad ending on all parts but nothing else could have really been expected considering the circumstances.

"The way she really died has remained a secret up until this day when I now tell you. Only I and Conrad know what really happened that night.

"He blamed me for her death though, and has never let it go. He said that I'd driven her to do what she did and, he was right. It was my fault. If I hadn't confronted her or driven her away like I had then she may not taken her own life.

"After the funeral I made my decision to leave. Maybe I was running away but I just couldn't bear the guilt I felt. To see the look in Conrad's eyes every time our glances met made my heart bleed. I had to get away and leave him to grieve; he couldn't do that with me there and at that point in time I just couldn't bear to be there anyway, not with her death on my conscience.

"And it stays on my conscience to this very day. I thought perhaps when I returned to The Grove that maybe Conrad had learned a little forgiveness but, I was wrong. His bitterness runs through his veins as much now as it did back then. He still blames me and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life."

A heavy sigh from Grissom's lips as he finished his story and his tear filled eyes flicked down to meet his lovers as she gazed up at him, a look of sadness very evident upon her features.

Pushing herself up Sara kissed him softly on the lips before bringing her forehead to rest upon his. "I'm so sorry you have to endure such pain," she whispered, "and, I know I was very young and don't recall this, but…" she fiddled with his shirt button, "…I don't think what happened was your fault, you did nothing wrong."

Grissom said nothing and just gazed into her eyes wishing what she was saying was true.

"Have you ever managed to tell Conrad your side of the story?" she asked.

After giving a gentle shake of his head, he kissed her gently, just as she had just done with him. "What I have told you must remain between us, promise me?"

Without hesitation she nodded her head, "I promise."