Chapter 13: More Than a Crush

Miles did not budge until morning. He knew that Billy should have been up and down all night assisting Wernicke, but he had not disturbed Miles at all. He woke up to Billy snuggling against his back, ignoring the seam where the two beds were joined. Miles remained still, enjoying the feeling of having a body nearby. The sound of another person breathing in the warm room. Then it occurred to Miles that he had been made into the little spoon. He immediately rolled over to face his bedmate.

Billy looked so peaceful, considering what Miles knew to lie beneath the surface. He curiously reached out a hand to feel across Billy's wrist where it rest on the bed. Billy was warm; his pulse was strong. Too strong. Miles wondered if his very blood was infested with the nanites. Miles was staring so intently at Billy's arm that he did not realize his touch had woken the other man.

"You snore," Billy said, yawning.

"Yeah well, you cuddle," Miles said.

"I've never shared a bed—that I can remember, I mean," Billy said, sitting up in bed. Sleep had left his thick, wavy hair sticking out in all directions. He groped around on the mattress until he found his glasses and placed them on his face, crooked.

"This wasn't sharing a bed. We each had our own. They were just close together," said Miles.

"Whatever you call it. I'm just glad you slept over," Billy whispered. "You can stay here anytime. My soul feels at peace when you're nearby."

Miles chuckled softly. "Sorry. But that's just, the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. You've been reading too many romance novels. You need a television."

"The Walrider interferes with the satellite, and the radio, and there's no cable out here," Billy explained.

"That…makes sense," Miles said. "Doesn't it get boring out here?"

"There's other things we could do," Billy said, his hand sliding under the blanket to squeeze Miles' bare thigh.

"Last night…" Miles started before exhaling as he tried to put his thoughts in order. "I've never felt that way. Here I was thinking that I was giving you a sex education."

Billy laughed, moving his hand up his thigh until Miles finally caught his wrist and stopped the progress. "You're not up for more, Mister Upshur?"

"I would gladly accept anything you two want," Miles said, leaning onto his side to be able to kiss Billy's lips. "At this moment I feel unable to resist." A strange beeping began to blare from Billy's beeper, straight out of 2001.

"Ugh, why is it always times like these that I have to check on Grandfather. It'll only be a minute," said Billy, standing up and pulling on his jeans. He opened his bureau and took out a fresh, green flannel shirt to wear. He was still buttoning the shirt as he started to walk out the door. Miles followed, still wearing Billy's pajamas he had borrowed. He was almost to the kitchen when there was a knock on the front door. Miles stared at the locked door and listened for any movement from Billy. The machines must make it difficult to hear in the backroom. Miles shrugged and began to undo all of the locks. He left the chain in place as he cracked the door open.

"Yes?" Miles asked the stranger wearing some type of white uniform and wheeling two large oxygen tanks behind him. The man was taller than Miles with a chiseled jaw, striking green eyes, and sandy blond hair. He smiled in greeting, showing a row of perfect white teeth.

"Hi there! Deliver for Mr. Mustermann. I usually talk to Billy, is he around?"

Miles stared at the man more closely. A name tag on his lapel identified him as Paul, and his hand gripping the handle on the carrying device showed a plain gold wedding band. Hadn't Billy mentioned that he had had a crush on the man who delivered medical supplies? "Billy," Miles finally called lazily toward the back room.

Moments later, Billy appeared in the walkway to the kitchen and looked from Miles to the opened door. "Oh, Paul! Sorry about that, I did not hear you knock. I was just switching out the last tank…"

"Then I got here just in time!"

"Sure thing, bring them in," said Billy with a smile. Miles stared at Billy with narrowed eyes. Was that the hint of a blush he detected on the boy's cheeks? Miles undid the chain and opened the door for the strangers, puffing his chest out a little further and standing up as straight as possible. Paul gave a friendly smile, staring strangely at Billy and Miles. Without thinking, Miles hooked his arm around Billy's waist and pulled the boy's side flush against his own.

"You need help?" he asked a bewildered Billy.

"Uh, I can probably handle it. Do you mind finishing up Grandfather's meal?" Billy asked, obviously flustered.

"Sure thing," Miles said, leaning over to kiss Billy's cheek while watching Paul's expression out of the corner of his eye. The man looked slightly embarrassed and diverted his eyes. Well. What had Miles expected? He released Billy and sauntered into the backroom, hearing the two men chatting while bringing the tanks in and talking about other supplies still to be unloaded.

Miles entered Wernicke's room and plopped down on the chair positioned near his massive life-support contraption. "Special delivery from your boy, Paul. I get to finish lunch," Miles said, giving a frown at the tube of nutrients that had yet to be fed, "…yum."

Wernicke did not complain or comment at the strange treatment. He seemed numb to any discomfort from the procedures or embarrassment from needing so much extensive help. He merely sat, wheezing away, unmoving except for the struggle of his chest to rise and fall with each forced breath. Miles finished up his chore and leaned back in the chair, preparing to wait for Billy's return. "So, what's new, old man?"

"Billy told me you two are dating," wheezed Wernicke.

Miles chuckled. "Yeah, I suppose we are. You still have a problem with that?"

"No."

"What made you change your mind? When he first met, you told me to stay away," said Miles.

"I did," said Wernicke.

"So what changed? I just grew on you? You didn't want him to get close to me because…I'm a man? I'm older than him? I'm with the press? Wasn't good enough for your precious grandson?"

"I said those things for your benefit, Mister Upshur, not Billy's. If you ever became a threat to Billy, the Walrider would see you neutralized—as easily as a dog," said Wernicke, the words making Miles' skin break out in cold sweat. "No, I told you to stay away for your own good."

"You don't want anyone near him then? Because the swarm might turn them into human chum?"

"Billy is repulsed by most people. The swarm wants nothing to do with them. The fact that he was not repulsed by you told me all I needed to know. The Walrider sees something in you. I put it together that you must have had some trauma similar to what Billy endured—trauma which made him a good host. I believe, in some ways, the Walrider wanted to court you, in order to have another possible option. In many ways, you would be a better host."

"How? Billy's younger than me, he's more fit, he's already used to all the shit that comes from being the host…"

"True. But you are much better educated. You have world experience. You are manipulative…"

"I'm not manipulative," protested Miles, frowning as he stared down at Wernicke in his chair. There were several moments with nothing to fill the silence but the sound of machinery. "Reporters have to be a little manipulative sometimes. I'm an investigator…"

"Mister Upshur, I am not here to judge you. I am merely telling you my observations on what the swarm prefers," Wernicke said. "I think it allows you to stay near Billy because it wants you for its own." Miles' face went red though he attempted to hide the slip with some coughing and confused stares. "You should be wary of the Walrider, and therefore Billy."

"It's a little late, honestly," Miles said, keeping his voice low.

"When Billy was young, I had to make sacrifices in Billy's well being because of the swarm. He has what equates to around an eighth grade education, though he is an avid reader. He has never traveled out of this area. I do these things in order to keep the swarm contained. Are they what is best for Billy, as a person? No. But if the Walrider was discovered…I planted in him a fear. A fear of others, of being dissected, of going back into the Morphgenic Engine. I put fear there because it was the easiest way to control him. Though make no mistake, the fear was used as a tool—but it is very much a reality if he was discovered. It's possible Murkoff has the technology to contain the swarm." A strange buzzing noise interrupted the speech, but it quickly quieted on its own. "Now, if the Walrider were to find a host like you…I shudder to consider the possibilities."

"It could control me easier or something?" asked Miles.

"You could use it more efficiently," wheezed Wernicke. The conversation came to an end as Billy wandered back into the room.

"All finished?" Billy asked, smiling at the scene of Miles and Wernicke chatting together, oblivious to the tense discussion he had interrupted.

"Sure thing," said Miles, standing up and nodding at Wernicke. "Good talking to you." Billy led the way down the hallway and back into his small bedroom. He sat down on one of the beds which had been moved back into their proper positions. His face was tense. "Something on your mind?"

"I…I want to talk about us—our relationship. But…I just…I'm sorry, I really don't know how relationships work outside of books," Billy said, a faint blush decorating his cheeks.

"Well, communication is important," Miles said, sitting on the bed next to Billy and giving his arm a gentle squeeze. "It's really good. We can talk about whatever you like. I'd much rather you ask and we discuss it than you waiting for me to read your mind…wait, bad wording, since you can read mine…you know what, just ask."

Miles leaned back on the bed, kicking his legs up onto the mattress and grinning. Billy seemed to relax a little and laid out on the bed next to Miles on his stomach. "Well, I…really like everything we've done together, the…the sex I mean," said Billy, nuzzling his face into Miles' arm to hide the way it burned from embarrassment.

"I like it too, don't worry," said Miles, grinning at his flustered lover.

"Well, when I…that is, when we…the Walrider…sorry, this is embarrassing," Billy said, his voice muffled as he spoke with his head still buried against Miles' shoulder. "You enjoy it so much. I want to experience that."

"And by that, specifically, you mean…" Miles smirked to himself as he coaxed Billy into putting his dirty desires into words.

Billy lifted his head from Miles' shoulder and looked down into his gray eyes. "I want to feel you inside," Billy whispered, pausing to gnaw nervously at his lower lip. "I want you to take me."

Miles growled at the wording, pulling Billy roughly. He maneuvered him until Billy was lying directly on top of him. Miles rocked his hips upwards, grinding. "Say it again."

"Take me," Billy said, his voice a breathy moan. Miles rolled his hips into Billy's slowly but with extreme pressure, his arms wrapping around Billy to keep their bodies pressed tightly together. "Please…"

Miles slid his hands lower on Billy's back until he was forcing his hand beneath his jeans. It was a tight fit but Miles managed to grope him over his boxers. He took a handful of ass cheek in each hand and squeezed firmly. "How can I deny you when you ask so sweetly? Do you have an idea of how you want to do it?" Miles' fingers kneaded into the fleshy cheeks causing Billy's breath to come in uneven, stuttering gasps.

"I don't…what's easiest?" Billy asked through his heavy breathing.

"Mmm, you don't have to worry about that," Miles murmured, bending forward to press his lips to Billy's neck. "I'll be gentle. Take my time. Memorize your reaction to that first contact," Miles said, punctuating each sentence with another kiss to Billy's warm flesh.

"I want it so bad," Billy moaned, bucking his hips down against Miles beneath him. His erection was hard and straining in his jeans, grinding into Miles' hip with bruising force.

"I'll open you up nice and slow," said Miles, dragging his teeth lightly across Billy's throat, eliciting a soft whimper. He chuckled as he squeezed Billy's ass and pulled his cheeks apart. Slowly, Miles inched his hands closer to the center of those mounds. "I'll get you so loose and wet you're on the edge before I'm even inside. And then…" Miles bit down harder on Billy as his fingers rubbed over his puckered hole through his boxers, "…then I'm going to fuck you deep and slow until the only word left in your vocabulary is my name."

"Miles," whimpered Billy. Miles moaned at the sound.

"Do you have anything in the house? Condoms? Lube?" Miles' voice was rough next to Billy's ear.

"N-no," Billy stuttered, writing on top of Miles and creating new friction between their bodies. Miles could not help but be reminded of his recent shameful display on top of Waylon. It was so much better when the person reciprocated. It was so much nicer to feel wanted. Miles relinquished his grip on Billy's ass and pulled his hands out of his jeans. He took Billy's face in his hands and sighed before kissing him.

"Tonight, then," Miles said, feeling disappointed, but fighting to keep it out of his voice.

"Now," Billy insisted, kissing Miles again and humping shamelessly against him.

Miles laughed, making it difficult for Billy to continue the kiss. He pouted down at Miles, frustration plain on his young face. "I don't want to risk hurting you. Frankly, I'm a little worried of what your inner demon might do if you get injured at all."

Billy chuckled, shaking his head and causing his wavy hair to fall into his eyes. "You don't need to worry about it. Trust me. The Walrider wants this too."

"Then I'll be back tonight with everything I need to fuck you both until you're satisfied. As long as it takes," Miles growled. Billy kissed him, swallowing the sound. Miles closed his eyes and allowed his mind to shut down as he got lost in the taste and feel of Billy. He had grown much better at kissing, tongues caressing in intriguing swipes that had Miles opening and submitting to Billy mapping out his inside of his mouth.

"Sorry," Billy said after their lips separated. "I'm not usually…that is I haven't really felt like this…it's like, when you're around, I can't focus on anything." He buried his face against Miles' neck and sighed.

"That's…probably normal for your first crush," Miles said, keeping his tone light though he closed his eyes and smiled where Billy could not see.

"Way more than a crush," said Billy, heat tilting to kiss Miles' scruffy cheek. "I like you. You're kind, and passionate about your work, and so patient and understanding with all of my issues…"

Miles' head knocked against the mattress as he stared up at the ceiling, frowning. "That's what you think of me?"

"Yes," said Billy, rubbing his nose against Miles' scruff.

"You…wow," a laugh escaped, "you have the absolute…wrong idea here," said Miles, sighing as Billy nuzzled him. He was so warm, and comfortable. A relationship like he had not experienced since the first years with Chris. "Look, I'm not really that successful with this writing thing. I mostly do Internet crap advertising. The article that won an award was so long ago, I probably can't even salvage my career. Even if this article is awe inspiring, I'm not sure anyone will ever publish it." Billy had not moved from his position on top of Miles though he was not moving, listening carefully. "I don't make friends easily. Case in point, I recently took advantage of my current best friend. I'm tired of feeling impotent and powerless and…fucking…worthless." Miles closed his eyes. "I'm really tired of my life."

"Then change it. Start something new," said Billy, pushing up on his elbows to look down at Miles. "You're not worthless, you're just…you're depressed. I dealt with it for years after the scientists. I would rather be dead than ever have to endure that torture again. I still have to put in effort everyday to keep myself in good mental health-remembering the good things. You…you could probably benefit from something like that. Medication doesn't work on me, but it might work for you."

Miles' eyes flew open and he gave a confused look at Billy still hovering above him. "Uh…"

"What?" Billy asked, blue eyes wide behind their thick frames.

"That…that was a surprisingly mature answer to that disgusting tirade…I was expecting some kind of…I can fix your problems if you stay with me bullshit…"

"The Walrider can't really do much for mental health, or I would take it all away for you," said Billy, leaning down to kiss Miles' forehead. "You seem to think I'm just rushing into this like a fool or something—it doesn't feel that way. I want to be there for you, not just good times, bad times, all times, publishing this thing might put you in danger. I can protect you. I can…"

Miles responded by wrapping his arms around Billy and pulling him impossibly tight against his chest. When he spoke, his words were muffled against Billy's skin, "I don't deserve you."

Billy shook slightly as he chuckled at the sentiment. "Probably not. You're too good of a guy to be punished with a monster like me."

"Monster," Miles said, grinning against Billy's shoulder. "After last night, I'm thinking the other scientists had it right—you're some kind of sex god."

Billy laughed, pushing away from Miles' embrace so he could catch his breath. He ended up plopping down on the makeshift bed next to Miles, staring at the ceiling. It took several seconds before he could respond. "It's just something that happened to me. It's a curse, but it's a blessing. It's miraculously good, and horrendously bad. In the wrong hands…in my hands when I was younger…"

"I'm changing my stance on that, by the way," said Miles, turning only his head to look at Billy. "That wasn't murder. That wasn't you."

"It was me," said Billy, shaking his head slightly while staring up. "I wanted them to die."

"I'm just really not sure that there isn't some amount of sentience in there. The Walrider…I've seen it do things, when you're asleep," said Miles. "It wasn't temporary insanity or anything else, it was a powerful being exercising its potential and discovering its limits for the first time."

"What did it do?" Billy asked, sitting up and staring hard at Miles, pushing his glasses up on his bridge.

"What, in the laboratory? I don't know how you guys kill things but it seems pretty damn efficient…"

"No, what did the Walrider do, that you saw, when I was asleep?" asked Billy. His face was turning pale and Miles could detect whispers of static in the room. Billy shook his head, as though discouraging a buzzing insect.

"Are you okay?"

"What…tell me," demanded Billy, blue eyes turning dark. The buzzing grew louder.

"You promised not to hurt me," Miles said, his voice shaking as he sat up and pulled away from Billy.

"I don't want to hurt you…I'm just angry at it," said Billy. He cocked his head as though listening to something out of Miles' hearing. "Of course it would fuck you. It's been fighting me everyday to overpower you since you showed up at the house. It fucked you, didn't it? You let it, or it was forced?"

"Uh, actually, I," Miles paused to take a deep breath, his heart hammering away in his chest. "I thought it was you. At first." His entire body tensed, though he doubted he could outrun the Walrider if it came to that.

"By the end though, you knew?"

"No. I didn't know. There was no talking. I had no idea what the fuck was happening. I didn't fight it or anything," said Miles. Billy sighed, shaking his head. "Shit, are you mad? I didn't do it to upset you."

"I'm not upset with you," Billy said, his tone deceptively calm and cold. "I'm upset with it…me. I've been in control for so long, I thought this wasn't a problem anymore."

"The Walrider has sexually assaulted people before?" asked Miles.

"No," snapped Billy, sounding offended.

"So you knew then, that it could do things on its own?"

"Sure. But it doesn't do anything I don't want. It's…me, and I am it, and…"

"I'm fine with it," said Miles, his body slowly relaxing as he became more certain Billy wasn't going to turn him inside out. "It's part of you…" Miles paused, staring at Billy for what seemed like an eternity before he continued, "…and you mean something to me. I like whatever this is."

Billy's face relaxed out of its scowl and he leaned in to kiss Miles softly on the lips. "That makes me so happy."

"I'm going to go back to the hotel so I can get some work done. But I am coming back tonight. And you need to be ready for me."

Miles felt lighter when he arrived back at the motel. Dealing with the moronic motel attendant about arranging a longer stay was less painful than usual. Opening up his work email made him feel productive rather than hopeless. Maybe Billy wasn't the only partner soothed by the presence of the other. Miles looked forward to the evening.

He emailed a potential new client, glad to see they were still interested. It was bad enough to do these commercials for a living—Miles did not want to be the worst at his job. He was proud to have so many loyal customers. A few were making demands, and he was happy to fulfill their requests before getting his work in order. It was almost seven when he finally finished up with the last blog and closed his computer. Billy.

Miles finally allowed his thoughts to drift as he drove to the local drug store. His mind was filled with images of Billy. He was unstable, damaged, and a decade younger, but all Miles saw was a kindred spirit inhabiting the sexiest frame imaginable. He couldn't wait to get Billy naked and spread in front of him. He had to wait behind some old man buying a dozen different varieties of lottery tickets before he could place his lube and condoms on the counter. The two teenage boys behind the counter exchanged a sideways glance and snickered to themselves.

Miles swiped his credit card and watched. One boy completed the transaction while the other tried to avoid laughing outright. Miles waited until he had his receipt and bag before smiling at the boys. "It's not for what you're thinking. It's actually for gay sex." The bulging eyes of the two boys was much too satisfying.

How long had it been since he had someone that made him feel weightless? His relationship with Waylon had been too complicated, but Billy was straightforward and interested. It felt so good to get what he wanted. He only had to realize what it was that he wanted, and now he knew. He wanted Billy. Miles started the Jeep and paused, leaning over the steering wheel as he smiled to himself. He could make it work. Billy could help him feel whole, and he could cherish and protect Billy in return.

A vibration in Miles' pocket pulled him from his thoughts. He frowned when he did not recognize the number. He remembered that he was expecting a call from the potential new client. It would not be the first time someone had called him late in the evening.

"Upshur."

"Yes, I am looking for Miles Upshur."

"This is Miles," he said, using his most professional voice.

"Do you know a Waylon Park?"

"Waylon? What is this in regards to?"

"You are listed as Mr. Waylon Park's next of kin, emergency contact. There's been an accident, and he is in the hospital."