APOV
Who the hell does he think he is? We just freaking met and he's telling me what I can and can't do? OK, so Wanda is falling apart and the more I think about the billionaire CEO hottie Christian Grey sitting in the front seat the more ridiculous it seems but still, that's my car! Secretly I'm relieved, if she hadn't started up I would have been mortified and with Wanda, you just never know if today's the day she's going to flip you the bird.
I'm picking out apples while Christian studies the different varieties of lettuce. He looks so out of place pushing a shopping cart in his fitted blue button down and khakis. He is freaking hot as hell and I'm not the only one who notices. I can't help but see how many women, and even some men, stop to stare at him. He seems unaware, I guess after 28 years of being a spectacle you learn to ignore it but the blatant stares of some of these women is downright predatory. I want them to know he's with me, even if he's not with me, so I routinely check in and make small talk. He's receptive to me every time, his eyes fixating on mine whenever I speak and I can't help but feel like I've got the toy at the playground that everyone else wants.
"How many types of lettuce are there? This seems kind of redundant don't you think?" His eyebrows are knitted together as he reads the different packages in the crisper. He's serious and I stifle a laugh while quietly wondering when the last time he was in the grocery store was.
"When was the last time you went grocery shopping?" I just can't resist.
He purses his lips and crosses his arms across his chest and damn if he doesn't look cute doing that. That shirt does little to hide the strong and well developed chest and arms underneath and I make a mental note to check out his back. And his ass, may as well while I'm back there! I didn't get a good chance to study him Friday night since I was so focused on not just spitting out what was going through my head; holy shit he's hot, on a continuous loop to be precise.
"I don't recall. Probably as a teenager with my mom. No, about eight years ago when I started GEH before I hired a house manager." He looks pleased with himself and I can't help but reach out and touch his arm as I laugh. He looks startled but smiles back. "Why is that so funny?"
"You have a house manager and I don't even have a house plant. We live in very different worlds yet here you are on a Sunday afternoon looking at lettuce. It's just funny."
He grins and casually throws his arm around my shoulder as he leans down. "I'm here for the potatoes."
I don't care what he's here for as long as he keeps his arm there. Man he smells good, spicy and masculine and something very much his own. Too soon he begins to push the cart again and after a half hour we're heading out and I'm walking behind him to admire the view. His back is broad with those flat small muscles on his shoulders that I can't seem to take my eyes off of and watching him flex as he lifts the bags and puts them in the car has me nearly panting. I'd love to see him naked.
There! I said it! I, Anastasia Steele have finally met a man who makes me want to have sex. Too bad he's a god and way out of my league. What is he even doing with me in a grocery store? What is he doing hanging out with me, period?
The drive home is quick and I make sure to walk behind him to get another view of his ass. I put the food away while he checked out our music selection, muttering about the Justin Bieber cd he found. Kate's! It's Kate's! I swear! He's put on the newest Maroon 5 album and I can't help but dance a bit as I get lunch started.
"You're sure you only want this? I can make something else too." He's watching me from the door frame, amused and unable to hide his grin. His hands are in his pockets, his legs crossed at the ankles and he pushes off before answering me.
"Nope, I want the exact same thing from Friday. Except with better wine."
"Well, we have a problem then, I've only got what I've got and it's no better than Friday." I feel a bit crestfallen, I really want to make him happy; that smile he's got is something else and something tells me it's a rarity. He looks at his watch and runs his hands through his hair. Sexiness abounds.
"Can that hold for a little bit? There's a good wine shop about 10 minutes from here." He looks hopeful so I agree to go and we get back in Kates car but this time, he drives. I'm not sure she'll care but I plan on not telling her just in case.
The 'good wine shop' is actually one I've never been in because they only carry high priced wines and spirits way out of my price range. I'm more of a Mondavi and Absolut kind of girl. I'll just buy one bottle, it's the least I can do to thank him for Friday and for brunch. He holds the door open for me and ushers me in but when he crosses the threshold the man behind the counter nearly trips over himself.
"Mr. Grey, what a pleasant surprise! What can I help you with today?"
Christian glances at him and mentions what we're having and asks for a complimentary wine. He leads us to a $220 bottle of chardonnay and I just about faint but thankfully hold it together. Christian grabs two bottles and then turns to thank the man with nothing more than a nod, strolling out of the store without paying. What just happened in there?
"Don't you need to pay for those?" I ask when we're in the car. He puts the car in gear and gives me a confused look.
"They'll bill me directly." Oh, like that's the most common thing in the world, to have the merchant know who you are and then to leave without paying. Not in my world but clearly in Christian Grey's. In my world leaving a store with merchandise and not paying for it lands you in jail.
"I wanted to buy the wine as a thank you for helping me on Friday and for brunch this morning."
He looks pissed all of the sudden and he doesn't look at me when he says, "Anastasia, stop. I'm happy to buy the wine. I wanted to stay on Friday and I'm forcing you to make me lunch today and I was happy to feed you this morning. So just stop."
I sit, duly chastised and strangely turned on by his directness. I'm slightly embarrassed to be spoken to like that and my immediate internal reaction is to snap back at him but I decide on demure and fold my hands in my lap and smile at him as I say, "Thank you."
He turns his head and gives me that full on blinding smile of his that makes him look so young and he looks pleased.
He pours the wine while I finish prepping lunch. When it's cooking he asks me for a tour which strikes me as funny since the apartment is three bedrooms, three bathrooms, a kitchen and an open living and dining room. Not much to see but ok, I'll show you around.
He's particularly interested in my bedroom and I am so grateful that my mom always forced me to make the bed in the morning. It's clean in here and I stand near the doorway as he looks around, his eyes taking it all in. I run to the kitchen to stir the pan and he's still looking at things when I return, this time my reading collection.
"Hearts and flowers, huh? I'm surprised, your movie collection is mostly action but your reading material is mostly love stories."
"I majored in English Literature in college. Linguistics as my minor but was the only real option as far as jobs go. My dream job is to be an editor. I do like the classics but if I had to pick a genre that I liked the best, I'd pick sci-fi. 'Lord of the Rings', 'Outlander', those types of novels." The words are rushing out of me and I can't help it, I love the written word so much and I'm passionate about it.
His lips quirk up and he reaches out and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear, the gesture sending a bolt of heat down my legs. I'm momentarily paralyzed but quickly remember the food on the stovetop and mutter something about it not burning before we both walk out of the room.
Was he going to kiss me just then? Or was my hair just annoying him? Probably the later. I'm determined to regain the comfortable visit we were having so I push my thoughts to the side, I can deal with them later, and feed this beautiful man sitting at my kitchen table.
"Oh my gosh this wine is good." I'm on my second glass and he reaches for the second bottle but I stop him. "I have Pilates in an hour and I'm already feeling these two glasses. Plus, if you leave that here, you'll have a reason to come back for more some other time." Shit! Did I just say that out loud? I giggle so that he thinks I'm teasing but the comment hangs there between us and I swear I see satisfaction flicker across his grey eyes.
"I don't need the wine as an incentive, Ana. But next time, you come to my house and I'll return the favor." He's smiling sweetly and I want so badly to kiss those lips but I refrain, I am a lady after all. "And by the way, who says 'gosh' anymore?"
"Are you laughing at me, Mr. Grey? I'll have you know that I have a litany of words at my disposal, I just choose to mix things up and gosh seemed like a good choice."
We're back at the sink, me washing, him drying and I am quickly becoming aware of the distance between us and the way it's getting smaller. I may be doing business with this man, I cannot keep fantasizing about him. Not to mention the fact that a guy like Christian Grey probably has a harem of women throughout Seattle waiting to sleep with him. I'm not that kind of girl so my options are limited to friends, or stalker. I'll choose friends since orange isn't my color and stripes make me look fat.
CPOV
What in the fuck is bibb lettuce and why in the fuck are there so many different varieties? They all pretty much taste the same anyway. "How many types of lettuce are there? This seems kind of redundant don't you think?"
She's laughing at me, standing right in front of me in public and laughing at me and I should be pissed but instead I'm watching her and taking her in. I didn't even know this woman two days ago and now she's got me standing in a grocery store picking out lettuce. She couldn't be more beautiful than she is right now, standing there in a cardigan of all things, and laughing at me.
"When was the last time you went grocery shopping?"
I have to really think about it. I don't remember outside of being dragged here with my mother but it had to have been when I first started GEH. I only hired Gail five years ago and before her I had a service that would come and bring groceries but that couldn't have been right away. When I tell her eight years, she can't help but laugh and then she puts her warm hand on my forearm and I feel dizzy. More, touch me more. She pulls her hand away after a minute but I'm not satisfied, I need to touch her so I make like I'm telling her a secret and put my arm over her shoulders. It's still not enough.
I pay attention to everything she puts in the cart, dutifully pushing it while she examines packages. I'm glad to see she picks a lot of healthy food, I want her to take care of herself. When we're finished I take a minute to allow myself to feel happy that I'm loading groceries and heading back to her apartment. This domesticity thing isn't so bad.
I want to know everything about her so as she puts away the groceries, I start snooping, a back ground check can only tell you so much. Her music is eclectic but her movie choices are pretty masculine. Not a lot of love stories or dramas which doesn't surprise me, Ana doesn't seem like the type that enjoys drama. I want to watch her dance again so I put in a cd and hope she can't help herself. I'm beyond pleased when I turn around and she starts moving those hips but what makes it so much better is that she's taken off the sweater and is in her jeans and white camisole. Holy fuck look at her breasts. I'm stuck in place against the door frame, not wanting to move for fear that she'll stop dancing so I stand there dumbly until she turns to speak to me.
Wine, yes, we do need better wine. It doesn't take much to convince her to come for a quick drive but I'm pissed that she puts that sweater back on. Damn, if I'd have known she was going to cover back up I'd have drunk vinegar. I'm pleased that the shop I frequent is so close and even more pleased when the owner himself is there. I'm ensured a good vintage and I show my face, something I like to do occasionally to keep people on their toes.
When she mentions that she wanted to buy the wine I'm pissed. I want to take care of her and do things for her. I've got plenty of money and yes, she could technically afford to buy the wine but it would be a hit to her and there is no way in hell I'd let that happen. I gear up for a fight about it, something tells me Ms. Steele isn't used to being told what to do but she amazingly looks contrite and thanks me. My pleasure, baby.
To my utter delight she takes the sweater off and begins cooking again. I help a bit, getting plates and forks out and I'm pleased that I know where these things are in her apartment.
"Will you give me a tour while they're cooking?"
"Of the apartment? OK, there's not much to see." She puts the food stirrer thing down and walks to the back hall where Kate's room and the guest room are. I don't give two fucks about these rooms, I want to see her bedroom and eventually we wind up there. It's peaceful in here, no television but a lot of books and pictures. Unsurprisingly she has a lot of friends, I'd expect no less from someone like Ana. She is the definition of appealing and I'm again reminded that she is too good for me and that I need to keep this thing that we have to just friends. The last thing I want to do is ruin her with my darkness. The thought makes me sad and I push it away and busy myself with her books.
Shit. Hearts and flowers. Damn it. You just resolved to stay as friends, this shouldn't matter to you at all. I must have said something because she's answering me, going on about how she likes science fiction and how she loves reading. God, that blush again. I don't hear a word she's saying because all I can focus on are her lips and the urge to kiss her becomes overwhelming and before I know it my hand is reaching out to pull her face to mine.
I catch myself at the last moment and tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear but I can't seem to pull my fingers away. She does it for me though and reminds me of the lunch that's hopefully not burning. When she leaves the room she tosses her sweater on the bed and I can't help but picture her lying there.
"Fuck these are good. I'd like for you to teach Gail, my house manager, how to make these."
"Oh my gosh this wine is good." Oh baby don't moan like that in that shirt with your cute legs pulled up under you and expect me to remain a gentleman. I was saving the second bottle for next time but we can crack it open now, especially if she's going to roll her neck like that every time she sips it. Fuck my call with Taiwan, I'll get drunk here with Anastasia instead.
She stops me and jokes about leaving the wine here as an incentive but the incentive to visit Ana again is…Ana. I could give a fuck about anything else. It's nearly 3:30 after we clean up and I know she's got to get ready for her Pilates class but I'm a desperate man and I'm sticking around under the guise of giving her a ride so that I can see her workout outfit. I call Taylor to come here now and Ana promises me that her friend can drive her home afterwards.
I'm leaning against the table facing her door and I have to regulate my breathing when she comes out. She's got on black skin tight yoga pants and a bright orange lose tank top over her sports bra. I have got to send a personal thank you note to whomever invented those pants. Holy shit she looks good with her hair in a ponytail and her running sneakers on. I'm going to need a shower before my call. Again.
I follow her out because fuck if I'm not going to check out her ass at every opportunity and inwardly groan when she bends over to get in the back of the SUV after meeting Taylor. He looks at me but does well to hide his thoughts. I know he's wondering just what's going on and why I'm hanging around this woman.
Ana is chatting about the days this week that work for us to meet and I'm hoping that Taylor is listening because I'm focused on the low cut of her tank and the way her breasts are pushed together and up. I've never been more pleased with Seattles shitty roads and each pothole we hit gives me a little show and a little thrill.
"Thank you for coming with me and for the wine, it really was delicious." She's shy again and that delicious blush is creeping back up her neck and fuck me she's biting that damn lip again.
"I wanted to come and I'm glad you liked the wine. I'll call you tomorrow to set up our meeting, plan on lunch that day." Brilliant! I lean over and give her a chaste kiss on her cheek as Taylor opens her door. She kisses mine as well and I'm far too aware of the softness of her lips and the brush of her hair when she turns her head. Sweet, she's so sweet.
"Bye, Christian. Thanks for the ride. Thank you, Taylor, it was nice to meet you."
"Have a good night, Ms. Steele." He smiles at her, actually fucking smiles at her and then slides back in his seat.
"What day did she say she could meet?" I'm borderline angry right now, he never fucking smiles. What the fuck was that about? Was he flirting with her?
"I believe she said any day except tomorrow or Friday." I study his face, impassive as usual but I know what I saw and I can't help but be pissed off. My phone is buzzing again and I finally take it out to see who's calling.
"Elena. What can I do for you?" Christ, I am so not in the mood for her right now. I flick through my call history and see she's called four times in three hours.
"Christian, it's been weeks since we spoke, how are you?"
"I'm well, thank you, and yourself?" Get to the point.
"Wonderful darling. Are we on for lunch this Thursday?"
"I'll have Andrea look at my schedule and confirm with you either way."
"Good, there's something I want to speak to you about directly. I'll see you then."
She hangs up without a salutation which suits me just fine. I just want to get home, rub one out, close this fucking never ending deal and think about what the fuck I'm doing with this girl.
I do all of the things on my list except closing the deal, fuckers need more damn time to negotiate the shipping yard and the upper management employment contracts that I want to buy out. I pour myself a glass of bourbon and sit in my great room staring out at the Seattle night sky.
What the fuck am I doing? If I keep spending time with her, eventually I'm going to try and fuck her, I can't imagine a scenario in which we end up just being friends, whatever that means. I could use her translation services for this Chinese deal but the same problem presents itself, she's there in my face. I want her in my face, under my body, in my shower, on my pool table and therein lies the problem. I want her like I've never wanted anyone before. I've never encountered this issue so besides being...emotional...for the first time about a woman, I'm also confused.
My sexual experiences have always been very controlled and very much on my terms. At first it was with Elena and I had no say in the matter but that suited me just fine at the time. When that had run its course I had her sub for me after she begged to do it under the guise of 'training' me as a dom but that lasted less than a month. The truth was I found her revolting sexually at that point. The clubs I frequented catered to my BDSM tastes and provided, for a fee, a woman that wanted to be beaten and fucked hard and I delivered on that to satisfy my baser urges. When I moved into Escala, Elena started finding and sending me submissives that fit a very specific physical requirement. Thin, small, light skinned women with brown hair and a panache for pain.
Even though they were in my home and technically we were in a monogamous relationship, there was never a question of feelings or boundaries. There were no feelings and the boundaries were outlined in contracts that were negotiated and decided on before we even met. These women shared my fucked up lifestyle and I had no regard whatsoever to what they thought of me. I took care of them financially and fucked them senseless using them to finely hone my sexual skills.
I grin, I can make a woman come in less than two minutes. My record is one minute, 34 seconds. Big fucking deal asshole, how many woman can say you've made them happy? Zero.
There was the odd one here and there who eventually told me about the feelings they had developed for me and I always ended the contract then and there. I can't have that in my life, it fucks everything up and besides, I'm not capable of a relationship that fits into the normal parameters, haven't even considered it until now and even now I'm not sold on it. How could this work between her and I?
Simple answer, it can't. She deserves hearts and flowers and love and adoration. I can do the adoration but the rest of it, I'm incapable. Hell, I already adore her. I'm smiling like an idiot thinking about her and her mannerisms while I sip my bourbon. The two times we've 'hung out' as Elliot calls it have been great. I actually laugh with her, real honest to goodness laughter and I feel lighter, like the weight of the world isn't on my shoulders. I went to a fucking grocery store for fucks sake!
I pour myself some more and try to rationalize it out by making excuses for my recent behavior. I haven't had a sub in over four months so I'm looking for a sub and she's the physical embodiment of what my definition of the perfect woman is. Fuck is she ever. I can't help but think of her in that little white tank. Shit, another fucking hard on. I need a sub, period.
I wouldn't go as far as to say that the prospect of finding and starting with a new sub didn't excite me in the past but I certainly didn't dedicate this much time to thinking about it. And they were a garaunteed fuck! I haven't even kissed Ana and I'm thinking of ways to flay that fucker she went out to dinner with. So this is what jealousy feels like. I don't like it.
"Sir, can I heat up dinner for you now?" Gail asks from the kitchen. Shit, I'd forgotten to eat. This is totally ridiculous.
"Yes, that would be fine, thank you, Mrs. Jones." I throw back the rest of the bourbon and resolve to stop thinking about Anastasia but even as I think it I wonder what she's doing right this very minute and I can't help but smile at the parting shot of her in those fanfuckingtastic pants turning to wave goodbye to me.
APOV
"Deny it all you want, Steele, you're dating."
"Oh for fucks sake, Kate, we are not! We're friends and hopefully he'll turn into a business venture for me as well. Landing a contract with GEH would really put me out there plus, I could use the money right about now. In case you didn't notice, Wanda has decided to shit the bed."
"Whatever you say, Ana but let me say this. The man is hot as shit and rich as fuck. If you don't move in on him, someone else will." She takes a sip of her beer and points her finger at me knowingly. "Mark my words, he's ready to come off the market and if you're not the one picking him up, someone else is going to, men like the Grey brothers don't last long out in Singleville."
I take a thoughtful bite of pizza and turn the movie on. Why am I killing myself every other day with two hour Pilates classes to come home and eat pizza and drink wine? Kate insists on drinking that vile low calorie beer but I can't stomach the taste of it. Why doesn't he have a girlfriend? He's good looking and engaging, intelligent and yes, wealthy. I should google him later when I'm alone.
We watched a movie called "Julie and Julia" and while Kate fell asleep on the couch, probably tired from a weekend of nonstop sex, I was inspired. I cleaned up the wine, beer and pizza and then woke up Kate to go to her bed before heading to my room. I looked up Julia Childs recipe for beef borguinoine and quickly dismissed it for Ina Gartens instead. Then I googled Christian Grey.
Holy. Shit. He owns like, everything in Washington and mostly everything in the rest of the world. He was placed number four on Forbes richest people in the US list last year and has been on of Peoples Most Beautiful People for six years running. I read the article in Forbes and am astonished, no, blow away that the very same man I made potatoes for and dragged grocery shopping with has an estimated net worth of over 11 billion dollars. Billion. All of the sudden the brunch and the wine seem insignificant.
What the hell was he doing hanging out with me for the weekend?
There's not many news stories on him other than those that focus on his business ventures, it seems he keeps a pretty tight lid on his private life and although I'm glad he's getting his way on that front, I'm frustrated by the lack of information on his life. I can find out quite a bit about the company he owns and the companies he's acquired but none of that interests me. I admit to myself that what I'm really looking for is his dating history.
On that though, there is nothing. Zilch. Nada. Instead there are articles and blurbs questioning his sexuality and I pause to think. He didn't seem gay and I could have sworn he was flirting a few times but due to my lack of experience, I could be totally wrong. In fact, I'd rather assume he was gay, this way it won't hurt so badly when he doesn't pursue me. Perfect, problem solved.
I hit the image tab and let out a groan. He is so amazingly good looking in every picture. His unruly just fucked hair makes me sigh and I find myself enlarging certain frames to get a better picture of his eyes. Not one picture of him and a woman shows up except for two with his mom and one with his sister. In every single picture he is alone and scowling. It makes me sad to think of him alone and I grab my phone and send him a quick text.
-hope your call went well, wine before Pilates is not a good combo!-
His response is immediate and so very Christian that I smile.
Fuckers need more fucking time. Wine is a good combo with anything!
Not everyone is as competent as you, Mr. Grey. Sleep well
-Ms. Steele, you have no idea how competent I can be. Good night.
See, now this is where I need Kate. Is that flirting or is he referencing something else entirely? I don't know and because of her persistent badgering about the nature of our relationship, I can't even ask her outright so I go to bed and dream of grey eyes and perfect white teeth.
I'm hardly surprised when my office phone rings at precisely 9am on Monday. I'm rarely in this early but I knew he'd be calling and I wanted to seem professional so here I am, not yet finished my coffee and barely awake.
"Steele Translations, Missy speaking."
"I'm calling for Anastasia Steele please, this is Christian Grey." I can hear his voice on the other end and I am desperately trying to not jump on top of Missy and rip the phone from her ear. I've already briefed her on who was going to be calling and just how big this project could be for us so she's at her best.
"One moment please, Mr. Grey."
I take a deep breath and answer in my tiny office. "Good morning, Christian! How are you?"
He chuckles on the other end and answers me with that sweet seductive baritone of his that I'm finding harder and harder to get out of my head. "I'm well, thank you. And yourself? Did you recover from your drunken workout?"
"I was not drunk! You saw me! Though that's the last time you'll convince me to drink that early in the day." Business, Ana, this is about business right now. "Were you able to come up with a good time to meet?"
"Yes, does Wendesday morning at 11am work for you? I anticipate needing at least an hour to go over our needs and another hour to have you look over the work we've received. I figured we could go for lunch afterwards to wrap up the details."
Two days to get my hormones under control and get myself into business mode.
"Sounds great, I'll see you at 11am on Wednesday then."
"Anastasia, I'm looking forward to it. Goodbye."
I'm giddy and I don't know if it's the prospect of a big account, the rush of the deal or the fact that I'll be seeing Christian in two days. Missy is standing in my doorway and I flash her a grin and ask her if she wants another coffee. I need to walk and get out of her before I explode with excitement.
CPOV
"Mr. Grey, I'd like to switch up routes this morning, it's been four weeks of the same."
"Fine, Taylor. As long as it's six to eight miles." I get the need for security but our current route takes us right past Ana's office building and I was looking forward to noticing it this time. It's your typical brick and mortar building and I've not seen her actual office but the floor plan shows her on the second floor. She herself is in a space the size of my smallest conference room at GEH but nonetheless, I'm proud as fuck that she's doing this on her own.
"I'm going to want a session with Bastille and Flynn today as well."
He nods and we begin our run. I've spent the better part of Sunday night learning as much as I could from various sources on my girl. My girl, I like the sound of that. There's not much more I can learn but I did manage to get the blue prints for her office and a listing of a few of her clients. Mostly businesses dealing with offices in Europe but two of her clients are pretty big players in Seattles realty business and I'm impressed.
I'm on a mission when I get into the office and ask Andrea what my Wednesday looks like. Packed with meetings and calls of course.
"Clear me the hours of 11 through 3 and tell Ros to clear 11 to 1." As expected whenever I screw around with Ros' schedule she shows up within minutes. It's my company, you'll do what I want, when I want it and how I want it.
"Christian, what's the deal? Two hours to meet with a potential translator? Has this company been vetted? Referenced? Background checked?" Ros is my number two and the only person outside of my family and Elena who calls me by my name. And now Ana of course. I smile at the realization and Ros stops speaking, her eyebrows furrowing as she tries to figure out what the fuck is going on.
"We're hiring this company, Ros. The woman who will work with us directly is the owner and she's the best. Wednesday is simply to brief her on the project and to provide her with what we've received so far as far as the translations go."
"Oooookay boss. I'll have the paperwork and the files ready for….her….review." she looks smug and I dismiss her with a wave, picking up my phone to make the much anticipated call to Ana's office. I don't know that I've ever made an appointment directly but there's no way in hell I'm having Andrea call when I could speak to Ana myself.
Her voice is just as pleasing on the phone as it is in person and I sneak in a casual lunch request. I'm getting good at manipulating dates with her. I know my goodbye to her bordered on indecent but I just can't help myself right now, I'm so fucking thrilled at this most fortunate turn of events. Hanging up the phone I go back into CEO mode after I sneak another glance at my phone and the picture I took of her cooking yesterday without her knowing. It's from behind but I can still appreciate the shiny curls that hang down her back and the softness of the skin on her shoulders and arms. And that ass, come on good Lord that ass, tapering up to a sexier than fuck waist attached to a pair of hips just begging for me to grab them. I growl and shake my head before yelling for Andrea to go over the days schedule.
"Christian, good to see you again." Flynn says as he ushers me into his office and I take my seat.
"Of course it is, every time you see me its $450 in your pocket." I'm always an asshole to him when I first get here and most of the time when I leave. I've often asked myself why I'm going to him in the first place. I'm a total fuck up and if there's no heart to fix, why bother? I've determined that these sessions are a sort of penance for my lifestyle, a sick way of balancing out the scales in my life. Sometimes I'm hoping for a change but I still don't know what that change is.
"Where would you like to start today?" The prick sits there with his tablet balanced on his bony English knees, probably playing Words With Friends. I wonder if sadist is an acceptable word….
"I don't want to start. You're the pro, you tell me what to talk about." Yup, I'm an asshole.
"It's your dime, Christian. We can either sit here and banter or we can do some work. Let's start with why you called a session today, usually we meet on Wednesdays."
I can't help but run my fingers through my hair and drag them over my face. Why is this so hard to say? This man knows I beat and fuck women that mean nothing to me. He knows I've been a submissive for an older woman at 15 and he knows why I like my submissives the way I do.
"I met someone. A friend, if you will." I look at him directly. Bring it on doc.
His face is impassive but I can detect the movement in his legs, this is new for me and something he's been encouraging for years now. "Is this someone a woman?"
"Of fucking course, John. You think I'd need to talk to a shrink if I'd made friends with a man?"
"How did you meet this woman?"
"She's roommates with my brothers girlfriend." I tell him everything and leave nothing out, not the thoughts I had, not the things I had done to glean information about her.
"I notice that you smile a lot when you speak of her, this is wonderful Christian. What is it that makes you so afraid that you need a session?" he's goading me and I take the bait.
"I'm not fucking afraid! I'm conflicted. I like this girl, she's funny and smart and sexy as all fuck and I don't know her entire history but I'm damn sure she doesn't like being tied up and whipped so where does that leave me?"
"Why can't you try to have a normal relationship with her? You continually call yourself a sadist but I've told you over and over that your lifestyle, your sexual preference is just that, a preference. A choice that you make." I've heard all of this before and I simply don't buy it. I've never had a relationship with a woman outside of those parameters and I just don't think I'm capable of it.
"John, you know why I can't pursue her. I'm fifty shades of fucked up and she's, well, she's not." I'm discouraged and downtrodden, the hope of him offering a quick fix vanishing with each passing minute.
"Christian, you have choices to make in life every day. Some are easy, some are hard. This one seems easy to me but you've got to get your mind off the track it's been on and choose between what you want and what you know."
I'm staring at him with slitted eyes, this is the best he has to offer? "You're basically saying that I can do whatever I want and I already have the keys to do it, I'm just holding myself back? That's great, John. Thanks for nothing."
I storm out like a petulant child but I don't give a fuck. Does he not get it? I want this woman, I want to actually be with a woman and I want more than just sex from her. And his advise is to 'just do it'. Fuck that noise, he's as clueless as I suspected.
That night, lying in bed after my nightly session with the shower, my fist and my vision of Ana I make my decision. I know what I am and I know what I can offer and what she needs and what she deserves is not me. It'll kill me but I'll control myself and keep this platonic for her sake. I hate myself more than ever right now.