Something was off between them after that day but Sam couldn't place what it was. They were getting on perfectly well, better than ever actually. Days were spent walking and talking while they held hands. Evenings were spent playing games and listening to music. As the evenings were gradually getting longer, Sam would often take a bit of time to do some drawing of the various landscapes. Normally he would hate to have an audience as he worked, but Mercedes had a habit of quietly watching him, sometimes humming, singing or using the sewing kit to mend their worn clothes or take in her increasingly baggy ones, but strangely it didn't bother him. It was actually quite a companionable silence. She had finally, after weeks of him grumbling, turned down her incessant chatter. Either that or it was getting less irritating.
When she wasn't too close he would draw her. Different images of her face, smiling and laughing. He tried hard to capture her eyes, but the quality of their dark sticky mystery somehow eluded him.
Yet despite their travels being happy and pleasant, there was still always this certain something between them which was a little tense. It wasn't a bad feeling. It was just a feeling. They were a well-oiled machine now, communication being non-verbal as well as verbal due to being so in tune with each other. They'd fallen into a pattern with each other that he relished.
The morning he heard her scream when she disappeared through the trees to do her morning routine his heart had nearly stopped. "Mercedes!" Immediately dropping what he was doing he ran towards the sound of her voice, fearful of what he might come across. Images of another bear or wild animal filled his brain and he fought down the panic.
The trees suddenly cleared and he saw her stood, with her back towards him, gazing into the distance.
"What happened?"
"Sam!" He could tell by her voice that she was crying. "Come and see!"
He ran forward and she raised her hand. "Don't run!"
As he slowed down to a walk next to her he realized why. There was a sheer drop just a couple of meters in front of them. But instead of being the usual green landscape in front of them, this time it was blue. But it wasn't the sky because that was above it and the sky was a different shade of blue.
"We did it Sam! That's it! That's the Sea!" He voice didn't even attempt to contain her excitement.
Sam took in the sight in front of him. It was like nothing he'd ever seen before. In his head he imagined this Sea to be something smooth, like a lake, almost shiny in fact. But the reality was that it was rippled like a river and even from the distance he could tell that it was moving, just as she said it did.
A myriad of emotions coursed through his body and the hairs on the back of his neck prickled despite the warmth of the morning. "Aren't you excited Sam?" She was looking at him again.
He painted a grin on his face. "Of course! This is brilliant! This is what we travelled for!"
"I know!" She jumped up and down on the spot, squealing excitedly before pulling him into an enthusiastic squeeze.
He wanted to be happy, he really did. He wanted to be able to enjoy the softness of her body in the squeeze, but instead his overwhelming feeling was one of disappointment. Mercedes had wanted to find the Sea and now she had. What now? What next? If they stuck to her original plan, this would be the place where they part ways.
Only now he didn't want that anymore. Now he knew what it was he was feeling and understood it, he definitely didn't want that at all!
"I've dreamed of this moment for years!" She was chatting again and he had to pull himself from his thoughts and zone back into her. "I just can't believe we made it! I wish Quinn was here. She'd be so proud of me!"
Sam said nothing. He just smiled as he watched her become overcome with excitement. How could he possibly explain that her achieving her dream was suddenly crushing those that he was daring to have for him and her? He was more than ready to permanently live the life of a nomad if it meant staying with her forever. As it was, he could only stand and watch as she excitedly did her happy dance, frustrated that the happiness and joy in her eyes hadn't been caused by him.
Finally he found his voice. "How do you think we can get down there?"
"I'm not sure. The river we saw two days ago will ultimately lead to the sea, but it could take a long windy path to get there. Or we could walk along this edge until we find a place to go down."
"Which way do you want to go?"
"I think I want to follow the edge. That way I can stare at the Sea the whole time!"
Sam would rather have gone the long windy route to extend their time together. But to voice that opinion would have been nothing but selfish. He forced a smile. "Sounds like a plan."
"Can we start walking now?"
Can we not?
"Sure. Let's get a move on!" He hated having to fake his excitement, but it had to be better than seeing the disappointment on Mercedes' face when she realized that he didn't share her any enthusiasm. And she definitely wasn't ready to hear him to tell her why he was no longer enthusiastic.
It took another two days to reach the beach. Despite his apprehension at finally reaching there, the pale golden sand and sight of the waves lapping the shore completely hypnotized him. They both took off their shoes and walked barefoot in the sand, watching nervously as the water hit the shore, sometimes with small waves, other times with slightly larger foamier ones. It was beautiful. He could stare at it for hours and he totally understood the attraction that Mercedes had for this mysterious new phenomenon.
There were so many things about it that surprised him. He didn't expect it to have a smell, but it did. It smelled salty and fishy and like nothing he'd ever encountered before. He also loved how it generated its own breeze that cooled the warmth of the sun and caused his now far too long hair to flap in his face. It was past his shoulders now and he wore it in a ponytail with of her hair ties to keep it out of his beard.
Mercedes often looked out at the Sea with a pensive expression as they sat on their sleeping mats, looking out at the sun setting over it. Sam didn't want to take his eyes off the view. He loved sunsets but the sun setting over the sea was something he couldn't get enough of. He wanted to be able to capture it but knew pencil would not be able to do it justice. He needed paint. He needed watercolors and rich bold oils.
They'd camped on the beach for three days, sleeping out under the stars rather than in the tent, listening to the sound of the waves and feeling the sea breeze on their skin, tucking their arms into the sleeping bag only when it reached the coolest part of the middle of the night.
"So I guess this is it then." Her voice was quiet and she kept her eyes trained on the water as they sat after their meal the following night, watching the sun set over the water as had become their custom.
"What do you mean?" He knew what she meant, but she was going to actually have to say it. It wouldn't be real until she actually said it.
"I know you can't see, but the Sector is just over there. I've been looking at it for the last three days. Part of me wishes I could just stay here on the Outside but I know that's not realistic. I can't stay out here alone, I need to build up my own life. And you need to go and do your own thing too. It's not fair to keep you any longer. You've more than fulfilled your obligations to me."
Sam said nothing. They'd been having fun at the beach, but it was dampened with the awareness of their impending separation. But there was one thing he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt. He wasn't ready to leave her. And he definitely wasn't sharing her excitement. He thought carefully about his next words. "So I was thinking about that, and… well, I don't think I should let you just walk into the Sector and leave you to fend for yourself. I made a promise to your dad to make sure you're okay, not to just take you to the Sea and dump you there." He played with his hands and felt like a nervous teenager for the first time in years. "So I think maybe I should stay for a bit. Just to make sure you're okay. You need to be set up with a home and some employment. It's not as if you'll walk in through the gate and everything will be fine. These things take time. And I won't be happy to leave until I know that you're safe, you're set up and you're happy." There. That didn't sound too needy of me did it?
She looked at him thoughtfully. "You'll come into the Sector with me?" He nodded. "But won't that be dangerous for you? What if you get spotted? Surely it's too risky?" As she spoke her voice became more and more alarmed.
"Yes it's risky, but it's a risk I'm prepared to take. Besides, I'm safer within an actual numbered Sector than I am in any of the Transit Sectors."
She was silent, staring out to sea with a pensive expression. He'd expected her to fight it, to tell him that she would be perfectlynfine on her own. That she could do the whole independent thing. But she didn't and it surprised him.
"So what do you suggest?" Her voice contained no emotion at all.
"We should do what we did with your dad. Make up a story that's believable based on our circumstances."
She nodded, and thought for a moment, silently. "How about… we pretend to be engaged!"
"Engaged?" That sounded interesting.
"Yep. Just hear me out. You and I look like an odd couple, especially now. We say that we're engaged and we ran away to here because we heard we could get married here, because we would never be allowed to marry in our home Sectors…"
"…Which is true. For me at least…"
"Marrying Other Sector doesn't go down well in my society either."
At least that they had in common. She continued, "So then we can say to get married, we needed to find a home and work so that we can establish our lives. Then just as everything falls into place, you can leave. I heard that there are boats that can take you over the Sea where nobody will ever find you! You'll be safe Sam and you'll never have to fear for your life again."
He frowned. "Back up a bit… So you're asking me to jilt you? To leave you at the altar?"
"You don't literally have to leave me at the altar. But you can simply set everything up but not go through with it. Then I'd be able to keep the things we'd already established and you can leave and never look back. Even if people found out you were here, they'd hear that things didn't work out for you and you left again without leaving a trail!"
His jaw clenched. It was actually a really good idea. It's just that it didn't sit right with him at all. "So what you're saying is you want me to jilt you!"
She sighed. "It wouldn't be real Sam. But it would be a perfect explanation of you being around to set up house then disappearing as soon as it's done. Cold feet happens!"
Sam struggled with the idea. Even if it was fake, he hated the idea of being the heartbreaker. Even the idea of fake jilting Mercedes upset him irrationally. He would never do anything like that to hurt her.
But she was still looking up at him with hope in her eyes. "So what do you think? Is it a good plan?"
It was a lot to process.
At least the hurt he'd be causing Mercedes would be fake and not real. "Yeah, I guess..." No, the idea of even pretending to do something as awful as that to her didn't sit completely right with him. There had to be a better way to buy the time to show her how much he loved her and didn't want to leave.
She glared up at him and he had an immediate sense of dejavu which took him back to his initial rejection of the Plan to go find the sea. Her voice shook and he wasn't sure with which emotion as she breathed the words, "You guess?"
He opened his mouth to reply but nothing came out so he shrugged, not quite able to find the words to express the multitude of hurt feelings that he was currently experiencing.
It was the wrong thing to do. Mercedes let out a huff as her eyes filled and stormed off. He couldn't blame her. Yet again he'd been dismissive of her incredibly creative idea. But this time things were couldn't be more different. They had come so far! There was no way that he could handle another cold shoulder from her. Not now that they were so close to potentially going their separate ways forever.
Sam realized that he had to take a leaf out of her book and just be honest for once. He had to take a gamble and hope that it would pay off because right now his future was walking away from him and there was no way in hell that he was going to let that happen!
"Mercedes! Wait!" For a girl with short legs she certainly moved fast and he had to break into a run just to catch up with her. "Mercedes!" It was as if she couldn't hear him.
"Please!" This time her steps faltered. He quickly closed the space between them with a few long strides and grabbed her arm, spinning her to face him. She was upset, but she didn't understand was that he was upset too. And seeing her eyes shine with unshed tears was a kick in the gut he really could do without.
The plan was a good one. A damn near perfect one. It just needed a minor alteration. One thing he knew he would ever be able to do was jilt her. Not when she'd just flashed before him the kind of normal life he never imagined he would ever get to have.
Sam took a deep breath. In a split second he knew exactly what he had to do. Once and for all he had to battle his demons and push aside his own feelings of unworthiness to reach for his dream and hope for the impossible. It was either that or stand back and watch the hope of it fade away forever leaving a lifetime of regret. Facing up to a charging bear and criminal lowlifes was nothing compared to the inner strength it took to ask the question that was going to irreversibly and instantly change his life one way or another.
"What if we didn't set this up simply for me to leave at the end… Mercedes what if we actually did what you suggest, but for real?"
RIP David Bowie 1947-2016