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5

So I lay, staring at the ceiling, deep in thought. It was practically midnight and I could barely sleep. I felt no exhaustion whatsoever. In fact, I felt as fresh as a cucumber in the middle of the spring, right after the rain. So, I was looking at the barely-visible ceiling, listening to the rain and thinking about, for once, only one thing in particular. And for once, it wasn't one of my bothering, ever-growing problems. It was something pleasant to think of. Or rather it was some-one.

Kai…Did I really like him? I mean, like-like him? It couldn't be. I was way past my hormonal issues around him. It had been hard to resist him, I mean, you have to admit, he's not just some guy. But then, after the two years we had spent, I realized that I could never have a chance with him. He just wasn't interested in girls. And so I had let go.

But could I be falling for him…again?

What makes it more confusing was his attitude towards me now-a-days. I wasn't just some girl either. I was probably the closest—and the only—girl that he's talked to or has actually seen. I had stopped feeling for him in just a few weeks after we had met, realizing the cold, bitter truth. But could he have feeling for me? Was it possible?

I sighed, embarrassed at the thought. Why could he be feeling for me? Just because he was concerned for me and he wanted me to tell him my problems so he could help me, or at the very least, make me feel somewhat better, didn't meant he had feelings for me. I mean, it could be a mere act of friendship. The others wanted that for me too, that didn't mean they liked me more than a friend.

And I know Kai has never been very much of the brotherly, I-can-offer-a-shoulder-for-you-to-cry-on type but he was still my friend. And maybe, he felt that he wasn't being much of a friend so he offered help.

Yeah, that makes sense…for him to offer help only because he felt like he wasn't giving me enough. Not because he had feelings for me.

I rolled over on my stomach and shut my eyes tightly, trying to force myself to sleep. I felt oddly relaxed, almost relieved. As if something bad that I knew was gonna happen no longer could. But even then, I couldn't sleep soundly. Why was it that there was always something wrong with me? When I was depressed, I was depressed. When I wasn't, I couldn't sleep. When a person can't sleep, it affects their mental, as well as physical health. The last thing I wanted was some unwanted physical problems or brain damage. See? One problem or another.

I rolled over again and decided to go get myself some warm milk. That might help me sleep. So I switch on the hallway lights and walked downstairs, taking slow and deliberate steps so as not to wake the guys up. When I walked pass the living room, however, I realized that there was no need for me to do so. The guys were dead asleep. Max was all over his futon, hands and legs lying in random direction, as far from the body as possible. Tyson was drooling, murmuring unintelligible things. Ray was snoring slightly and Kenny was rolled over, his head hidden in the pillow. I heard soft, muffled murmurs from his direction as well. There was also a sleeping bag at the farthest corner of the room, just next to the window. I figured it was Kai's. Who else could it be? But Kai wasn't there. So typical of him.

I shrugged, making my way towards the kitchen, less carefully this time. I took out the carton of milk from the fridge, surprised that most of the food was still inside it. Hadn't Tyson come down for his midnight snack yet?

"What're you doing?"

I gasped loudly, startled at the sudden voice. The carton of milk dropped from my hand and fell onto the floor, splattering my clothes with milk.

"You goof, be careful!" The light—which I hadn't bothered to switch on as the room was clear enough in the moonlight—switched on and there stood Kai, a mock look on his face. I ignored him and bent down to pick the carton up. I grabbed a dish towel and cleaned the milk off my shirt before getting down on my knees to clean it off the floor too.

Kai walked over and leaned against the counter across me.

"Yeah, just stand there and watch me clean the milk off the floor." I said sarcastically, looking up at him with fake anger. "Why help a poor little ass like me? You're the great Kai Hiwatari, right?"

I heard him chuckle at first but he bent down on his knees, with a dish towel, and helped me clean the mess. That was really something to watch. Kai on his knees, cleaning the milk off the floor…

"You know what?" I said somewhere in between. I scrubbed roughly at a spot on my jeans before looking up at him. I noticed that his skin looked extra nice, soft and pale, this close. "My jeans are ruined and it's your entire fault."

"Whatever." He said, shrugging inanimately. "I don't care. I'm the great Kai, remember?"

I smiled at the joke before continuing to scrub at the floor again. When the floor was done, I put the dish towel aside and went to sit on one of dining table chairs. Kai followed suit and sat down just next to me.

I stared out the open window, at the dim light the moon cast over the land and smiled to myself. I could feel Kai's gaze on me again, but I said nothing.

"Can't sleep?" I asked, turning around to look at his face.

"No." He replied simply, leaning against the chair. "What about you? Why are you here?"

Was it just me, or did he sounded kinda hopeful? Almost as if I should be here, but not for the reason I actually was here for.

"I came to get some warm milk." I said warily. "I couldn't sleep either."

"Oh."

And now he looked disappointed. He huffed before closing his eyes and crossing his arms across his chest. I could see he was deep in thought…confused maybe? Was there something I should know?

"I want you to do something, Hillary." Kai said suddenly, opening his eyes to look at me. Confused, I waited for him to say something. He wanted me to do something for him? Why?

"Would you do it?" He looked at me hopefully and I blinked back.

"It depends." I said slowly and suspiciously. "What is it?"

"I know you don't want to do this," he said. "but could you try and give her a chance?"

I stared at him, blinking in disbelieve. The silence got uncomfortable and I could see it in his eyes that he thought he had made a wrong move, that he had said the very wrong thing.

"Give her a chance?" I repeated and he nodded. "Kai, this isn't about giving chances. Don't you get it?"

He looked at me with confusion clear on his face, waiting for me to explain.

"She doesn't want me in her life." I said plainly. "She'd rather I stay out."

"She couldn't have meant that." Kai argued.

"Maybe not." I agreed, knowing that it was true. "But I'm sick of acting like I don't care who she dates and then pretending that I'm fine by my own all alone. Kai, I'm not even old enough for a license! I need her every time she's away. Other than that, I miss her. I worry about her every time she's out on one of her dates. She doesn't even answer her cell when I call to ask if everything's okay when she's a little late."

He was silent, contemplating on the words I had said. There was so much I wanted to say, so many words but I bit my lips to stop them.

"It isn't up to me." I said softly, wanting to end the conversation. "It doesn't matter how many chances I give her –and I'd give her every chance I can—it's up to her to decide of our relationship. I don't want her to pretend to put up with me when she'd rather not. I want to spend time with her. I want to have her as a Mom. She's the one who doesn't want me."

Silence again. I guess he didn't know what to say to that.

"She'd rather date random weirdoes." I ended, unable to hide the remorse in my voice. He sighed and I looked away from his hopeless gaze.

"What do you want her to do?" I heard him ask and I hesitated, staring at me hands.

"It doesn't matter." I whispered and then heard him sigh again.

"Ten years later," he said, "when you have a job and you're happily married and you have kids and stuff, you'll look back and think about what could have been if you'd have had a stable relationship with your Mom."

I chuckled, looking up at him.

"You make this sound like a disease." I joked, trying to steer away the route of the conversation. He smiled…but it wasn't an amused one, rather a sarcastic one.

"Nice try." He said and I realized he had understood what I was thinking. "But I'm not gonna get distracted easily."

"I'm not gonna have kids." I tried again but I didn't fool him.

"Why don't you tell her how you feel?"

"I'm not gonna get married either." I made another attempt to change the subject. I knew it wouldn't work but I still tried. To my surprise, Kai leaned back in surprise at my statement and looked at me with confusion clear on his features.

"What?" He asked incredulously and a wave of relief washed over me as I realized I had succeeded in changing the subject. "What did you say?"

"I'm not gonna get married either." I repeated stupidly. "Why? Want me to leave so badly?"

"You want to stay single all your life?"

"Oh, like you don't."

"Do you?"

"No." I replied simply. "But if I did, I wouldn't mind."

He was just about to say something when I cut him off.

"Why, are you interested?" I joked but I guess he took it seriously cuz he glared angrily at me and I pursed my lips tightly together to keep myself from uttering another word.

"I've told her how I feel." I said, not actually wanting to talk about the original subject but wanting the uncomfortable aura radiating from Kai to go away. "She told me to 'piss off'."

Even I could hear the quotation marks as I spoke the sentence.

"Is there anything I can do?" Kai offered but I just shook my head. What was there that he could do? For a few seconds, all I could see in his eyes was remorse. He was feeling sorry for me? Kai was actually feeling something for someone?

Before I could say anything, however, he leaned back against the chair and closed his eyes. For a while, I stared at him, millions of unanswered questions clouding my mind. Could I actually have fallen for him again? Let's pretend for a few moments I had.

Did he feel the same way? Why could he? But then, why not? And what if he did feel the same way? He wouldn't actually say anything, would he?

I actually couldn't decide whether he would. I mean, he could if he wanted it to but it went against his reputation to talk about his feelings. But then again, he'd always been so unpredictable…

There were chances he might actually feel the same way as I did –if I did—but there were chances that he wouldn't. There were chances he might say something to me about it, but there were chances that he wouldn't. Gosh, he was so unpredictable…

I stared as his eyebrows furrowed together and his forehead creased. He parted his lips as if to say something, but took a deep breath instead and straightened his expression into a calm one. I didn't know what was it about his expression but, man, it was…hot?

I had never used that word before in my thought, except for certain celebrities, but I couldn't help it. It actually seemed as if I was sitting here with one of those hot guys on TV again. People that actually existed but you were lucky enough to get close to actually see them at a personal level. And here I was, sitting with someone probably hotter than them.

I blushed at the thought, remembering my earlier thought. Could I have feelings for him? Definitely, yes.

I looked away immediately in response to the thought, wanting to hide the blush that tainted my cheeks now. Just in case he opened his eyes to say something. He did that a lot…and all of a sudden too.

"Don't you wanna sleep?" He asked suddenly and I looked up in response. See what I meant?

"Yeah." I muttered nervously, getting up. Oh, really mature of me to get nervous at his gaze. "Good night."

He nodded once before I turned around, feeling stupid. I waved in his direction, not actually seeing his reaction, before turning around the corner and walking upstairs.

And so that's when I realized that I had fallen in love with an ice-berg…while I had a stalker, a-not-so-bad-but-still-bad-to-me grade and an upset Mom at home who'd rather I not come back home. Life's so sweet…