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10

"How is she?" I asked, walking towards Max as he exited the room. We were in the hospital, where Emily was being looked after, after that attack last week. Max had been visiting her continuously, and today, I had decided to tag along. I had left the room though, when I noticed that they wanted to be alone. Apparently, they had a thing going on. How nice….

"They say they'll let her out tomorrow." He replied, looking slightly flushed….and kinda happy.

"So, did you kiss her?" I asked Max teasingly as he pocketed his hands. I smiled a little when Max looked away and walked ahead of me. I caught up to him immediately. "Don't pretend. You were all over her."

"I like her." Max admitted a little while later, when we reached outside the hospital and into the parking lot. He looked down, hiding the blush across his face as I motioned for a cab to stop and pick us up.

"Don't be embarrassed." I said, getting into the cab. "I think you're very sweet. And Emily would be lucky to have you."

"Thanks." He replied, his face still red.

I looked out the window as he seated himself, my thoughts shifting to less pleasant avenues as soon as the cab started. Like how I knew what had happened to Emily, how it had happened, who had done it, and how it was my fault.

I sat at the table, silently picking on my food. The buzz in the cafeteria had silenced, what with the large amount of teams that had left. The All Starz had forfeited, due to Emily's injuries, The Majestics had lost to us last week and had been sent home the next day. Many other teams had lost, including Ozuma's, and the only ones now left were The White Tigers, the Blitzkrieg Boys, the Dynasties and The Blade Breakers.

I looked up, searching for someone in particular across the only four crowded tables. Tala, once again, was looking blankly at me. I ignored him, I didn't get that guy. It was the third time I had caught him looking at me this week. I idly wondered why. Did he know that I was hiding something? Had Kai told him? It bothered me a little. His gaze made me feel uncomfortable. I sniffed a little at the thought, praying that he didn't know, before looking back down at my plate again. I picked some more at the noodles, and unconsciously rolled them around my fork before taking a bite.

"Hillary?"

I looked up at Tyson, when he said my name and tensed a little when I saw his worried expression.

"Is something wrong?" He asked, leaning over at me from across the table, looking straight at my face. I felt nervous all of a sudden, cuz everyone was now looking over at me. Well, everyone except Kai, that is, who just glanced once and looked back down at his plate.

"No." I said in a very low voice, looking down at my food, feeling embarrassed. I didn't like attention and I wish they'd just turn away.

"You've been kind of upset lately, Hils." Max said. "Like you were back at the dojo."

I stiffened, as Max spoke more.

"You were okay for a little while, but we can tell you're worried again."

I didn't look up, knowing that everyone was still looking at me, and I didn't reply either. But then again., even if I wanted to, what could I have said?

"Hillary, I know you're listening." It was Ray this time, and apparently, even he wasn't trying to be understanding. How helpful.

"I'd rather not talk about it." I finally replied, without looking up, but the discomfort in my voice was clear, even to me.

"Do you think you'll hide it forever?" Ray asked, sounding a little annoyed. "We're gonna find out someday, you know."

"I said," I replied, speaking through almost clenched teeth, "I don't wanna talk about this."

"So what do you wanna do?" I jerked my head upwards to look angrily at Tyson, who looked almost as annoyed as I felt. "Hide from your problems like you're doing? Or do you wanna be mature and talk to someone about it?"

"I'm not hiding from anything!" I stood up, hands on the table. Everyone was looking at me now, every team in the cafeteria, even the lunch lady, even Kai, but I didn't care. Why couldn't they mind their own stupid business, anyway?

"Yes, Hillary." Tyson continued in an angry voice, also standing up. "You are!"

I saw Max pulling on Tyson's shirt, tugging, motioning for him to sit back down but Tyson was ignoring him, just as I was trying to ignore everything everyone was saying. They didn't know what they were talking about. They didn't know how I felt. I had come so close at telling everyone everything but I couldn't. I just couldn't. I wanted them to know, I wanted them to help me, I wanted to make things right but it was too late now. They couldn't do anything about Drew now.

"You don't understand anything!" I yelled at Tyson, ignoring how glum I suddenly had started to feel. Being angry was better than being sad, yelling made me feel better. It was awful but I couldn't help it. I've been quiet about everything for so long, so many emotions, fear, disappointment, gloom, anger, guilt, stress, panic, regret….I'd kept them all bottled up inside, no-one knew how I felt, no-one understood anything. It just made me madder that they were expecting me to tell them every single thing I felt; and I had every right to be mad.

"I would if you just tell me!"

"Why don't you mind you own business?"

"I am!"He replied, raising his voice so that it echoed. Everything was quiet and I wished we'd stop yelling before Tyson said something that told everyone else how I was feeling. I didn't mind anyone…but Drew was in the room. I didn't want to satisfy him. "You're so stressed out all the time—"

There. I could practically imagine the look of relief and satisfaction on Drew's face, but I didn't turn to look.

"Don't you know how it makes us feel?" His voice lowered, but only by a little bit.

"Oh, so it's about you, I guess. Isn't it?" But he continued as if he didn't hear me at all.

"—We should be worrying about the tournament, but you keep distracting us!"

A few gasps echoed around in the cafeteria, and I tried to breath….in, out…in, out. He did not just say that. I had been distracting them? I had been distracting them? Me? What…what a …shock? I didn't even know what to feel. All throughout the room, I could feel eyes upon me, waiting for me to react, waiting for me to say something. But, for the first time, I was at loss, I didn't know what to say. I wanted to cry, to tell you the truth. All this time, the partial reason I had avoided telling them the truth was because I knew they'd be distracted, I didn't want to burden them with my problems when they had enough on their plate as it was. But apparently, I should've told them my problems so that they might not get distracted. How convenient. Wish they'd told me sooner. Which just takes me back to the start, he didn't know what he was talking about. He still didn't understand.

But that didn't justify what he had said.

"You're an ass, Tyson." Someone –Spencer?—spoke in a loud, clear voice but I ignored him.

"Well," I started, blinking a little and grabbing my plate off the table, "I'm sorry that I got you worried, Tyson."

My voice rose, and I felt like hitting him. My pulse increased…I wanted to run away from the room. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be away from him, away from everything and everyone that reminded me of what I felt, of where I was wrong….

"I'm sorry that I've got problems. I'm sorry that I can't tell you. I'm sorry that you feel the need to invade into my personal space to get to know them. I'm sorry that you can't concentrate on the tournament cuz I've not been myself lately, and I am really, very sorry that you're so worried, Tyson, but…"

I was loosing it, I could tell. My voice was breaking and….I'd exit the room from the back, I decided, where less people would see me.

"…but, I think it's your problem. I've got enough on my mind without worrying about what you guys feel, Tyson. Enough is enough, and frankly, I don't even care."

There, that was a calm answer, but that didn't mean I felt calm. I immediately turned around and dumped my tray of food at an empty table before exiting the room. I didn't look at anyone, but that was probably cuz I didn't want anyone to look at me. I know it was wrong, but I wish he was more worried. Cuz, he'd made me break down again.

For the first time that week, I lay down on my bed, locked the door and cried. I thought I was getting better, not that I was expecting things to turn up but I was handling things very calmly, like I was getting better at keeping my stress levels in check. So much for that….

There was this feeling of hopelessness again, like the way I feel every night after I wake up from yet another disturbing dream. But this time, it was worse, this time there was this nagging feeling…guilt?...that accompanied the eerie hopelessness. Cuz I knew, that some of it, if not all, was my fault. I suddenly flashed back to the time when I was in the plain with Kai again. What had I thought? Yeah, like everything that had happened ever since I got here, even before that, everything that was my fault, and everything that wasn't, everywhere I had gone wrong over and over again, and everyone I had hurt….just everything that made me feel like I was trapped in this uncanny terrain of emotions, was stacked up in a pile, teasing me and taunting me, rubbing it in my face that I'd never escape it.

I had to do something. Drew had hurt Emily, I couldn't prove it, but I just knew, from the way he smiled when they announced that the All Starz had forfeited…it was as if he was satisfied, kinda content that they had. And when I asked Emily that day, if she had seen what had happened, she just said that she was forced into a battle, and that had seriously damaged her blade and while she was trying to stop her opponents blade from causing any more damage, his bit beast had attacked her. And just like that, she'd ended up at the hospital, seriously wounded.

I couldn't help wonder that that was exactly what had happened to Kai, hadn't it? Sans that being injured part. He was forced into a battle, causing his blade to be brutally damaged, and it was just his luck that he hadn't tried to stop Dranzer…cuz I couldn't even imagine what would've happened if he had. I couldn't bear with the thought of Kai getting hurt in any way.

Wasn't it the same, though? I knew Drew was up to something, I knew he had attacked Kai, I knew and I didn't tell. Why? And I still had no intentions of telling anyone, anything. Not that they needed to. I mean, Kai had wasted no time in telling the guys about his encounter with Drew and how he thought, like I was thinking, that it was somehow connected with Emily's story. But I knew before-hand, how severe steps that guy would take to get what he wanted. Yesterday, it was me…today, it was something else entirely. Not that he'd forgotten me. I'd seen him smiling at me twice when he thought no-one was looking. But that was it. Should it bother me?

I just wished I would've caught up to what he was doing, and warned everyone before Emily got hurt. I wished I had tried to put the two and two together…I mean, I knew what Drew was like…I knew what he could do. Why hadn't I thought about it, anyway?

I turned over in my bed, thinking. Why was I so stressed out? Laying things out like I had right now, that Drew thing, I felt as if there was nothing wrong. Seriously, I was completely out of the picture now. Why should I even care what he did to anyone else, as long as he was away from me? I mean, it wasn't as if no-one knew that he wasn't to be trusted. And everyone was keeping their distance….so why should I even care about anything that was related to him, when everyone was keeping an eye on him anyway?

I know it was very stupid of me to feel this way, but I wasn't entirely sure he had given up. By now, it was apparent that he intended to win the competition, fairly or not, and he was doing everything to get people out of the way, like he had tried with Kai (luckily, we had a replacement for him) and Emily (unfortunately, the All Starz only had three players, so with Em gone, they had to forfeit). And I constantly felt as if he was up to something. I know I could be just paranoid, but this feeling, that something bad was going to happen, was what was stressing me out.

And then there were my so-called friends….I didn't even wanna think about it. Why couldn't they respect my privacy? I didn't go around asking them what they had for dinner, or what they thought about last month on the plane. I hadn't pushed Max into telling me what he and Emily talked about, or did when he visited her. They must do SOMETHING, I mean, he visits her EVERY day. And I hadn't gone asking Ray what he felt about Mariah, let alone about what they were doing when I had walked in on them in the gym last week. I had seen something, definitely, but had I pushed Ray about it? Had I told everyone about it? Had I gone asking him every chance I got what he was feeling about Mariah, or every time I caught him thinking, did I ask him if he was thinking of Mariah? Had I ever done any of those things? Had I ever told them what to do? Of course I hadn't. So why, I might ask, were they telling me what to do?

And don't even get me started about Kai, I was so angry at him…I thought he liked me, I thought he wanted to help me. Where the hell was he when I needed a hug the most? Where the hell was he when everything was more than just wrong, double than it had been last week, or before? Where was he when I needed to smell his lilac fragrance, and feel his skin upon mine? I was angry at him, and at the same time, I wanted him here, holding me.

I silently cursed myself for feeling this way everyday…