APOV
"Good morning, Ms. Steele, Mr. Grey."
"Good morning, Jacqueline." I admit, she's gotten to be much nicer in the last few days, enough so that I picked her and Andrea up coffee on my way in. They're both surprised when I put the cups on their desks but Jacqueline especially seems stunned. I'm just happy the paparazzi have backed off enough for me to be able to get Starbucks on my own again.
In my office the work is piled high and there are no less than 27 voice mails I need to return. I don't dare open my email, I've a good idea of how many I have just by the constant vibration of my phone when I finally turned it back on from the weekend.
"Excuse me, Ms. Steele?" Jacqueline walks in with her tablet and a day planner.
"Yes?"
"Mr. Grey wanted me to plan out the Rome trip with you. He said that you'd be there for three days on business and that he'd like to extend the visit two more nights, three days as a mini vacation for the two of you. I thought it'd be easier if we planned it together since you have a much better idea of what kind of time frame you'll need for each meeting. I have the attendee list and topic for each one but no real idea as to how long is necessary."
"Oh, sure, come in. We're going to Rome?"
"Yes, Mr. Grey said you wanted to hold the sit downs there." Wow, I did say that. And he just made it happen with the flick of his wrist. Does that make him powerful, or me?
"Right. OK then. Let me just shoot back this report to the acquisitions team and I'll give you my undivided attention."
Once we begin it becomes clear to me just how tough her and Andrea's jobs must be. They need to coordinate not only with Christian and his demand for perfection but also that of the rest of his staff, the management and staff of any company he's dealing with, countless employees vying for his attention and the nightmare of logistics when planning international business.
"Jacqueline!" Andrea's sharp voice startles us both, she looks pissed. "I told you to plan it, not waste her day."
"Oh, it's so much easier this way, Andrea. I'd much rather be involved, it makes it that much less intimidating. Do you need her for anything? If you don't, I think we only need another half hour or so."
Both of them are surprised but Andrea recovers quickly and smiles. "No, just hurry back when you're finished so that we can get the logistics team to book the travel."
Jacqueline lays her tablet down and gives me a sad smile.
"I'm really sorry for how rude I was when first got here." Well, this is unexpected.
"It's over and not a big deal."
"Thank you. Have you seen the pictures of you yet from that art show you went to?"
"No." I say warily. "What pictures?"
"On TMZ, someone in the gallery had a camera I guess and took some pictures of you and Mr. Grey. You look amazing." She must see the alarm on my face because she rushes on with wide eyes. "It was all good, nobody had a bad thing to say from what I read. Most of the comments were about how pretty you looked."
"I'll have to check them out later. Does Chris, I mean, Mr. Grey know?"
"Well I heard him yelling at Debra in PR so I'm assuming yes. Did you really meet him on a blind date?"
"No, that was something the press made up. Anyway, let's get this done, I don't want Andrea upset with us."
"Ana, hey, did you see the pictures yet?"
"Yes, I just logged on."
"I'm so sorry, I had no idea someone would be there and would take advantage of the situation. Should I call Christian to apologize?"
"Jose, how could you possibly have known this was going to happen? Besides," I say, angling my head to study the one of me and Christian laughing with Elliot, "I think I look half decent."
"You do. I can't even tell you how crazed my phone lines have been asking to purchase the portraits of you." A pit opens in my stomach.
"People want to buy them? Of me?" He laughs and says something to Rachel in the background.
"Yes but they can't, I sold them all along with the negatives, rejects and rights on Thursday night." Wait. What?
"Someone bought them all? Oh my god, he did didn't he? That's why he disappeared for so long."
"The guy is crazy about you and even crazier at the idea of someone else owning a piece of you."
"I know, trust me. Hey, do you guys want to come over for dinner on Thursday? I was thinking of asking a few other people too." I want to see my friends but my real motivation is twofold. I want to get Christian comfortable with my other relationships, fear of the unknown is a big factor in his jealousy and I know that if he just sees me with Jose and Ethan that those fears can be laid to rest.
I also want to make that place a home, give it some life, add some vibrancy to it. The birthday party we had for Christian was the first time he'd had people over like that and to me, that's sad. He has all that space and keeps it empty and foreboding.
I make the one minute walk to Christian's office and enter without knocking when Andrea tells me he's alone.
"Hi, baby."
He looks up, a pencil in one hand, one behind each of his ears and one in his mouth.
"Four?"
"Five." He says and picks one up from his desk. "They're different colors, helps me to organize these charts a bit better. What do you need?" He pats his lap and I happily skip over to him and sit, throwing my arms around his neck.
"Mmmm, I like having you so close." His arms wrap and hold me closer, nuzzling into my neck in response. "Anyway, I wanted to have a few friends over, including Elliot and Mia on Thursday night for dinner. Would that be alright with you?"
He pulls back and studies my face.
"Would that make you happy?" I nod and smile. "Then that sounds great. What do I need to do?"
"Need to do?"
"Yea, to have people over, what do I do? I've never done it before." He's embarrassed so I play it cool like it's no big deal that something so benign is unusual to him.
"Oh nothing special. I'll make dinner with Gail's help. Do you think you could pick out the wine? I'll let you know what I'm making once I figure it out."
He grins, satisfied with my cavalier attitude and at having a job to do. It hits me; we're having people over as a couple. We're a couple!
Back in my office I fire off an email to everyone and within minutes I hear back from everyone, including Christian, all enthusiastically saying yes. When my phone rings I expect it to be my mom, nobody else really calls me at the office but instead it's Elliot.
"Ana. You gotta tell me. What the hell did you do with my brother?" I laugh.
"What are you talking about?"
"He responded with a smiley face. What the fuck is that about? I spent all of Saturday with my mom and she was basically floating, talking about how amazing it's been to have her son back. Which, by the way, is a crock, he's never been like this. I don't know what you're up to, but you better not stop, I've been waiting for this for 25 years." I hear the catch in his voice, all trace of humor gone from it.
"I will, Elliot. I love him, I'm not going anywhere. I'll see you tonight?"
"Yup. Moms making lasagna, I wouldn't miss it!" I hang up and do my best to control the shake of my hands.
Lasagna. How utterly ridiculous that a food can bring on such panic. How do I get out of this? I can't go and not eat and there is no way in hell I can eat lasagna. The sight of it makes me want to vomit.
"Kate."
"Hey, oh my god, did you see the pictures? You look afuckingmazing. Thanks for the limo by the way, we took the long way home."
"Right, I did, thanks. And, um, good for you. Anyway, Grace is serving lasagna for dinner."
"Well shit." Her silence means she's thinking so I wait for her to come up with a solution. "Will there be salad? Bread? We can do this, Steele, we can totally handle this. Sit next to me and I'll take pieces off of your plate so it looks like you're eating."
"Kate, this is so embarrassing." My head falls into my hand and the stinging sensation of tears runs over my eyelids.
"No, Ana, it's not. You have a shitty ass mother who fucked you up and you're working through that. She's the one who should be embarrassed. Now, I'll make sure we're next to each other, just pile up any sides and let me worry about the rest, OK?"
I breathe deeply and relax my shoulders. Kate is always my little cheer leader. Nobody but she, Jose and now Dr. Fischer know about the reason why I can't eat it.
"Thanks, Kate. Onto better things, what did you think of the pictures?"
"Nervous, baby?" Christian reaches over and squeezes my hand as we pull into the driveway of the Grey's mansion.
"I am. I don't know why, your parents have always been so nice and I've been here before. It's just that now that we're together, I feel like I have to prove myself to them." He parks the Spyder behind Elliot's identical one and turns my face towards him.
"Ana, you don't have to prove yourself to anybody. Come on, I've never brought a girl home, my mom and Mia are probably peeking behind the curtains right now."
He couldn't have been too far off because both of them are right there in the foyer when he opens the door, hugging first me and then Christian. His mom lingers when she holds him, trying to make up lost time no doubt and my heart breaks a little for her and for me. What is that like? To have a mother love you like that?
"I love love love that dress, Ana. You have the cutest little body. I'd love to go shopping with you. Have you met Caroline Acton yet?" I shoot Christian a quizzical look and he laughs.
"My mom and Mia go to her as well. The Grey's are her biggest account, she'd probably fall dead if you and Mia went in together. Actually, you still need to do that."
I'm still unsure how I feel about him buying me a wardrobe or any clothes for that matter. It makes me feel like I'm taking advantage of his wealth or something and even though I know he doesn't feel that way, I do. Plus, I hate the fact that he bought his ex-subs clothes from her.
Kate and Elliot come walking out and he bear hugs me, bending me backwards and growling playfully.
"Alright, get the fuck off her, Elliot. Damn it!" Elliot just laughs and pats his arm.
"Chill out, I'm your brother." It doesn't matter to Christian though. His grey eyes go from clear to stormy in an instant. He pulls me by my hand close to him and walks towards the living room where Ethan and Carrick are having a conversation.
"Ana! So lovely to see you again, I'm so pleased you could make it." His father kisses my cheek and then shakes Christian's hand. I can feel, actually feel his eyes on me when I hug Ethan hello.
"Hey kid, you got some sun. Looks good, makes those freckles come out!" Christian stiffens and pulls me next to him again but Ethan just prattles on about Bermuda and how excited he is. Mia is definitely going with him but even the mention of his sister shacking up with a man doesn't pull Christian away from the anger he's holding onto.
"Would you excuse us for just a moment?" They waive us off and I move into the dining room, greeting Gretchen as she finishes setting the table. She's polite but I worry that she might poison me, she is clearly into the man staring at me with carnal heat right now.
"Christian."
"They touched you, Ana. They touched what's mine." Oh boy.
"Yes, your brother and your sister's boyfriend, who is a longtime friend of mine, hugged me hello." His hands relax and run through his hair, his face marginally relaxing as he studies me.
"I don't like it when anyone touches you. It…unnerves me." My hand strokes the stubble of his face, enjoying the rasp on my fingertips and he leans into me as I knew he would.
"OK, well, if you get the urge to hit someone, just remember this." I slide my hand in his pocket and take out the small photo of me I cut into a heart shape before writing words on the back.
'You are gentle.'
It helps but only marginally. His eyes soften a bit and the line between across his forehead disappears.
"Just, just try to keep them away from you." His voice is tight with effort and irritation.
"You're the only one, Christian." He relaxes and breathes out, taking a wine glass from the table and pouring us a glass. Turning to me, he raises it.
"To forever being the only one." Forever?
Kate and Grace come in just then to announce that dinner is ready and with a quick glance Kate points me to the seat in the middle of the table. 'There' she mouths and I move to it, Christian following me to sit next to me.
Gretchen passes the platter of Caprese around followed by marinated mushrooms and peppers. I'm firmly tucked into my appetizers when a voice I know well interrupts with a very shrill, "Oh!"
"Elena! What a pleasant surprise! Join us!" Holy fucking mother of shit she's here. With Grace. My stomach twists and turns as incendiary heat falls from my ears to my toes.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" Christian stands and bellows next to me as all eyes widen and turn to him. He doesn't notice at all.
"Christian Trevelyan Grey! What in the world are you thinking?" Grace is stunned, as we all are by his outburst. I can feel him shaking next to me and notice for the first time that Elliot is standing as well. "Elliot, sit back down. Christian!"
"It's alright, Grace, Christian and I are having some work issues but we'll work them out as we always do." She stresses the word always and lets her eyes rest on me. "Oh, hello Anastasia, how lovely to see you again."
"Get out." He says once more. Carrick stands then and walks to Christian, tapping his shoulder and asking him to leave the room. Christian stands and stares but makes no move to leave.
"Christian, surely we can share a meal with family? You know how happy it makes your mother when we're all together." Family? She thinks of herself as family? She's pulling that bullshit in front of his parents? Fuck this noise.
My hand creeps up and holds his, a momentary pause to his anger. Slowly I rise and look at her, sliding my hand from his wrist, up his arm, across his chest and up to his neck, pulling him close to me. There is a gasp when his family sees me touch him and I see the slight widening of Elena's eyes.
"Baby," I say softly and quietly. "let's enjoy our dinner. We can deal with business later." His jaw is locked, his fists clenched, his shoulders shaking but he turns to me and blinks. "Dinner now, business later." I lean in and whisper, "Maybe she'll choke and die so we can watch." He laughs and kisses me, sitting down with a thud.
"I apologize mom, dad, Elliot, Kate, Mia, Ethan. Forgive me." He purposefully names everyone but Elena. It does not go unnoticed but Grace only exchanges looks with Carrick. Gretchen sets a place for Elena next to Grace, across from us so that she's directly across from me.
I feel Christian's hand settle on my thigh and squeeze, I'm not sure if he wants to reassure me or himself. That bitch doesn't take her eyes off of us even when she holds conversations with Grace about some charity luncheon they're attending on Saturday. There are so many ways to heal this broken man trembling next to me but the one that I know is love. The very thing that the pedophile across the table told him didn't exist.
So that's where I'll start. She told him he can't be loved? I'll prove otherwise. She told him he was incapable of love? I'll prove otherwise. She told him love was painful? I'll prove otherwise. I will stand up and represent everything she told him he couldn't have and I'll give it to him freely.
I lean over and rest my head on his bicep, kissing him over his shirt. He looks down and smiles, kissing my nose quickly before feeding me a mushroom from his fork.
Normally, this over the top romantic stuff makes me want to hurl but right now, she's lucky I'm not straddling him. I kiss him again and hand Gretchen my appetizer plate, turning to Kate to make sure she's remembered. She gives me a curious look and then smiles, shifting her eyes to Elena.
"You know?" she says quietly.
"Know what?" My heart is racing, how does Kate know? Does that mean Elliot does as well? Is that why he was so mad when she walked in?
"What she said about you? To Grace and Carrick?" What? "You don't know! I told Elliot I needed to tell you. Damn him!"
She cuts herself a small piece of lasagna and then puts an equally small slice on my plate.
"Tell me what?" She waves me off, we're starting to draw attention with our whispering. "Later." I say over the rim of my glass and she nods, taking a bite and raving about how good it is.
"What was that about?" Christian leans in to ask me.
"Something that Elena said about me to your parents. Do you know anything about it?" Before he can answer Carrick stands to offer a toast.
"A toast, to Kate, Anastasia and Ethan. There is no greater reward for a parent than to see their children happy and in love. Cheers!" Well, I couldn't have written that better myself. Elena doesn't even pick up her glass.
"Ana, Christian tells me that you speak nine languages! That's impressive, how did that all come about?"
"Twelve, mom, I forgot that she's proficient in a few more." I'm sweating my blush is so deep. Kate nudges me to start talking.
"Oh, just picked it up here and there. I've always had an ear for dialects and then took some classes when I was 15. I immersed myself in them and then started listening to foreign radio broadcasts. I minored in linguistics so I studied in depth during college."
"And what did you major in then?"
"English Literature." I take a bite of salad in hopes that the conversation will turn to someone else, anyone else.
"My, quite the little bookworm then aren't you?" Elena offers. Kate sits up straighter as does Christian but I just set my fork down and smile, patting the edges of my mouth daintily but never taking my eyes off of hers.
"Yes, I love to read. I'm particularly interested in criminal justice books right now." Her face freezes and my heart jumps into my throat. Christian tenses next to me and then chuckles, shaking his head and eating his pasta with a smile.
"Really? Well I can answer any questions you may have then." Carrick is thrilled to be talking about his field and the pit in my stomach grows deeper as I see the depth of secrecy that she's managed to blanket this family in. Time for the kill.
My hand snakes behind his back and rubs in small circles the very places nobody has ever been allowed to touch. Her lids slant shut and she rises, her plate still full in front of her.
"If you'll excuse me, I've got an appointment to get to. Grace, I'll see you on Saturday. Thank you all." She's still staring at us when Christian decides to play along and raises a small bite of lasagna to my lips.
If there was ever a time to get over something, this is it. It's just pasta, it's just pasta, it's just pasta. Kate watches next to me as I open my mouth with a sweet smile and eat it all. Her hand flies to my hip in support but I don't need it. It tastes delicious and just like that, thanks to Elena fucking Lincoln I'm one step closer to closing the door on my fears.
CPOV
There is a sick satisfaction I get when I see Ana crawl out of bed and stretch her back. She's walking as if she rode a horse all weekend and while I don't want her in pain, I'm pretty damn satisfied with myself. The irony of my own soreness isn't lost on me though. I'm not sure exactly which act it was that tweaked my lower back but I feel it the second my feet hit the floor.
"You ok?" She asks as she towel dries her hair in nothing more than a short silk robe. If I lay back down and she rides me it shouldn't affect my back too much…
One step towards her changes my mind.
"I'm not sure. Whatever you did with your mouth made me so tense that my back hurts." She's concerned but I laugh. "Can't say that's ever happened to me before." She snorts, quite unladylike and points to me.
"Now you know how I feel every morning." Yea, sore but satisfied. I'll take a back twitch any day of the week if it means getting a blow job like the one she gave me yesterday.
At breakfast Taylor calls Bastille for a stretching session while Ana smirks at me over her yogurt and granola. I have to laugh when she takes my hand and presses a picture of her, cut into the shape of a heart. On the back she's written a word that I can say with finality, has never been used to describe me.
"Gentle? I think you may have that one wrong. Between your gait and my back, gentleness may be a trait we need to work on together."
She slides up to me, that soft feminine scent of hers that I've learned is just her, not a perfume or a body wash, just the softness of Ana, washes over me. Mine.
"You are gentle with me. Your words, your protection," she trails a finger from my knee to my hip. "your love making. I love when you make gentle love to me. Only I get that, no one else ever has."
"Yes, only ever you. Another thing just for ourselves. Come here, let's have a little gentle time right now." She tosses those bouncy brown curls back and giggles.
"No, and don't think you can fuck and duck me again today." Tossing my hands up in resignation I grin back. That's a mistake I won't be making again.
"Wouldn't dream of it. Well, I'll dream of it but I won't do it."
"You have a meeting with the external auditors at 10 and a call with Bill Gates at 11. Most pressing is the security issue off the coast of Somalia, Mr. Frederick is waiting for your call. I also need to start planning the trip for the sit down with the Chinese, have you decided on a place yet?"
"Rome. Ana's decided. Schedule three days for business and another two for vacation for just she and I. Keep the jet in Rome, she and I will take it home, the others will need to get a commercial flight."
"I'll need Ms. Steele to assist with translations when I speak to my counterpart."
"That's what she was hired for, Andrea."
"Yes, sir. Anything else? Your lunch order or will you be going out?"
"Call Steve Jeffries and tell him to be here at one. We'll have lunch in room four. I want Ros and Gary Davis in, regular spread. Tell him I want this deal closed by the end of business Thursday, I'm sick of waiting on his board of directors."
"Andrea, good morning."
"Oh! Mr. Bastille, I'm sorry I don't have you on the schedule for this morning." Andrea looks alarmed, it's rare that she and Taylor don't communicate but she's the best there is, immediately asking if he'd like something to drink.
"No thanks, just here for a few minutes to work out some kinks in the old man." Once she leaves he shuts the door and leans against it. "You've got to tell me what you're doing man. I've been married long enough where I could use some new information." Not a fucking chance will I be talking about Ana in any sexual context to anyone.
"Just tell me what to do about this pull. I've got less than 20 minutes before my next appointment gets here and I can't be limping around."
"Yea, yea, thanks for the help. Take off your belt and get on the floor on your back."
"Well, as of yet we can't find anything untoward in her files, she's well informed on current accounting laws and followed all transaction ledgers to the letter. We've got about six months more to go through but as of yet, we've found nothing of concern."
Well thank fuck for that. An audible sigh of relief escapes me much to their surprise and mine.
"You've brought reports on what you've done so far?"
The younger of the two auditors hands me a stack of papers covered in typed numbers and chicken scratch.
"On paper? What is it with you auditors?" First Tony Lain and now these idiots. "What the fuck are we in, 1983?"
"It's habit I guess. We'll have our final reports on a flash drive, we expect to have everything completed by next Friday." Next Friday, by then I'll know whether Agnes Perkins and her golden dicked lover are going to be the end of all I've worked so hard for.
As soon as they leave I try to look over their work but it's such a cluster fuck of bullshit I don't even know where to start. I'm grateful for Ana's interruption, anytime she spends with me is a gift but when she slides that warm body onto my lap I just about hear the angels sing. How did I live so long without her?
She wants to have people over. As a couple. In my apartment. I need to call Gail, this surely means that she's beginning to see my apartment as hers as well.
"Would that make you happy?"
I would do anything, anything to keep that smile on her face. Dinner with a few friends and my siblings, easy. I am thrilled beyond words when I get a group email from her while I'm on my call with Bill Gates.
To: Grey, Christian; Grey, Elliot; Kavanagh, Katherine; Grey, Mia; Kavanagh, Ethan; Rodriguez, Jose; Graham, Rachel; Stamper, Missy; Crawford, Logan
From: Anastasia Steele
June 27, 2011 11:09AM
Re: Dinner Party
Hi all,
Christian and I would like to have you all over on Thursday for a casual dinner party at 7p. Please RSVP so that we can figure out food and wine. We'll see you Thursday!
'Christian and I'. 'We can figure out food and wine'. 'We'll see you Thursday'.
If Gates could see me he'd call the crazy police immediately. My cheeks hurt I'm grinning so hard. I can't believe I almost missed out on this. How stupid was I to ever think I could walk away from her? I respond all, so happy that I do one of those stupid smiley things Mia does in every single text and email she sends to me.
Within seconds my phone rings, Elliot's number flashing. I hit ignore and focus back to what Gates and I were speaking about. His foundation works in the same area as my non-profit, Feed the Nation but his focus is on healthcare and disease prevention. Recently I've convinced him to be more aggressive in the development of his agricultural program as well and he's agreed but wants to work out a distribution system for meds like the one I'm currently using.
"The problem, as you're well aware, is the security factor. Transporting medications and purifying systems throughout rural Africa is becoming increasingly more difficult. I've admired your distribution system for some time and after studying the files and the outline of your current system that you sent to me, I'd like to talk about piggybacking the two organizations as far as the movement of goods goes."
"I'm open to that, you'd have to provide workers who know what they're shipping out and know how to teach the villagers though. My people are locals, not professionals and I can't take on that kind of liability."
"Understood and agreed. We'll split security costs down the middle. It's a win/win for you." He's right, halving my security costs on the ground in Africa will save close to three million dollars a year, money that can be reallocated to other programs.
"I'll have Burt Whalen call your head of legal and get the paperwork started."
My call with Jamodo Frederick isn't as cut and dry. There is a major problem with pirates, fucking pirates in the waters off of Somalia. I have two shipyards there and both of them take in a considerable amount of food not to mention all of the business my ships are responsible for getting in and out of port.
"Sir, there was another attempted takeover today. Not one of our ships but near one of your yards."
"What do you suggest?"
"We need at least 10 more hired guns on each ship and another 20 at each yard. You have to understand that the pirates here are killing people, this isn't something to take lightly. Already I've heard reports of them mapping out delivery routes for our ships."
"Hire whoever you need then. Trained men who aren't trigger happy. I don't want to be responsible for any deaths Jamodo."
All in all I feel it was a good day and having Ana in her ultra-demure white lace dress sitting next to me in my car feels so right. I'm bringing a girl over for dinner. My mom must have confirmed three times since last night and then she had Mia check as well.
Things are going well until my brother all but tackles her to the ground, pressing each inch of her against him. My vision goes red and if he weren't related, I'd have killed him on the spot. No one can know about the hidden secrets of her body, no one can know how good she feels in their arms. The temptation is too great and besides, nobody touches what's mine.
Elliot groping her is bad enough but when Ethan fucking Kavanagh puts his paws on her she has to take me out of the room to keep from knocking him out. Only Ana's quiet confirmation in the dining room soothes me. Only me. Every time I hear it I want to shout and fist pump. Only I have ever seen her naked, only I have seen her writhe in pleasure, only I have been inside her mouth or her pussy, only I have seen her come, only I have left my semen in and on her. If I get my way, and I will, it will only ever be me.
I can tell my mother is beyond happy to have all three of us, with our significant others, at the same dinner table. Even I admit it feels great to be sitting here as one big happy family. Until goddamn Elena Lincoln shows up.
What the hell is she doing showing her face around here? Cold realization hits me. She came to ask for more money, the loans are all due by Wednesday now that our business is officially dissolved. I don't care how rude I appear or how pissed my mother gets. Flynn and Ana have finally, finally made me see just how damaging she was to me and even though I don't see her involvement as horrific as they do, I acknowledge that it was less than positive.
I need to go, I need to get her out of here and then I need to get Anastasia back into the safety of my home where nobody can harm her. Having Ana and Elena in the same space is sucking the air right out of my lungs.
My eyes fall and focus on the pin Elena is wearing. It's of a tiny hummingbird, the eyes ruby red and the wings covered in tiny sapphires. She wore it the first day she fucked me and then made it a habit to wear it for the 'firsts'. The first time she brought someone else in, the first time she loaned me out, the first time she had me fuck her ass, the first time she subbed for me. I feel sick to my stomach, her wearing that is no accident.
Just when I feel the burn of my rage reach a fever pitch, a soft hand strokes up my arm and weaves over my belly and chest, tugging at my neck and coaxing the anger right out of me. I know it's Ana for no other reason than that it feels good and leaves no pain in its wake.
"Maybe she'll choke and die so we can watch." Once again she catches me totally off guard and pulls me from the wild swing of my mood back to center. From murderous rage to laughter in seconds, only Ana can do that to me. My hand finds her thigh and grips it. How this angel is sitting beside me knowing what I've done with the demon in front of us is beyond me and I'm so afraid she'll bolt from this table that I physically hold here there.
When Elena addresses Ana directly I almost lunge across the table. I'd managed, for my mother's sake, to keep things as civil as possible. I could feel the tension at the table lingering after my initial outburst but tension from me isn't new to my family. It's a sad revelation.
"Yes, I love to read. I'm particularly interested in criminal justice books right now." Holy shit, did she just challenge her head on? The thinly veiled threat is known only to three people at this table but Ana, with one dab of her mouth and one single line of dialogue cuts the legs right out from under Elena. I've never seen her so eager to leave somewhere.
Before she does though Ana hits back one more time by touching me in places that Elena begged, for years, to be able to touch. I've known her since I was four and yet this woman next to me has been in my life for two months and is allowed to touch me everywhere. I can see the hatred in her eyes as she watches us and to add insult to injury I feed Ana, a loving gesture I'm sure that bitch finds repulsive.
Once she's gone the table gets silent and all eyes turn to me. Even Gretchen is waiting by the door to see what she should do next. I continue eating as if nothing is wrong and in some ways, nothing is wrong. The bitch is gone and my family is together.
"Christian Trevelyan Grey. I raised you better than that. She is my dearest friend, how could you embarrass me like that?" My mom is next to tears and I hear Ana's breath when my mom's words hit her. Dearest friend. I'm a sick, sick fuck.
"It's complicated mom. I'm sorry I upset you, I should have pulled her aside but I wasn't aware she was coming at all, it caught me off guard." Ana rests her hand on my leg and I find my center again.
"Caught off guard or not, that was completely uncalled for and extraordinarily rude. I expect you to handle business like that privately next time." In typical Carrick fashion he raises his eyes at me like I'm a child and continues eating, motioning for Gretchen to pour us all more wine.
"I have news!" Mia pipes up in an obvious attempt to cut the tension.
"Thank fuck for that, what is it kid?" My mom swats Elliot's arm and points her fork at him. "Sorry, mom."
"I was hired as an apprentice catering manager at the Washington State Convention Center." Mia? Working? I had always assumed the cookery school was more of a way for her to waste time. She's a smart girl but I've never thought of her as actually working. My gaze drifts to Ethan and I can see by the way he smiles at her that this was at his prodding. I'm impressed, he's got a work ethic and wants her to have one as well.
Thankfully the conversation shifts in that direction and stays that way. I listen to her plans and note that there is no mention of Ethan moving to the East Coast like he had originally planned.
"Ana, there was a notice in the mail box today when I went to check on the apartment. You've got a bin of mail at the post office, so much that you need to come in to pick it up. I wasn't sure if you knew that."
Fuck! The fuckers know where she lives now. That settles it, she'll never stay in that apartment again.
"Sawyer is back in the morning, he can pick it up on the way to your office. I'd like it if my mail room could go through it first though, you're bound to get some crazies and I'd like to take the same precautions with you that I do with myself."
"You get crazy people that mail you things?" Elliot laughs and leans forward to speak to her.
"He probably gets three pair of panties a week! Not to mention marriage proposals, naked pictures, sex letters,"
"Enough! Nobody here wants to hear about that shit, Elliot." Fucking idiot. He shrugs but continues anyway.
"What do you do with all that shit anyway?" The table turns to look at me, everyone, including Ana is waiting. I sigh as if this is the biggest annoyance I deal with.
"The mailroom forwards any threats onto Welch who looks into them. Everything else is scanned and documented in case there's a need in the future to refer to a letter. The…clothing items and such are incinerated along with the daily trash. I don't see the letters, ever. I'm not interested, I have no idea who sends them but I know they're fodder for the security crew who have to track some of the senders down."
Kate rolls her eyes and sips her wine. I wonder if Elliot spanks her for doing that. If he doesn't, I'd like to but it has nothing to do with sex when it comes to her.
"Well, I, for one, think that's craziness that you need a team of people to read mail because there are so many crazy women out there. Ana, he's right, you shouldn't be going through the mail." Well fuck me, Ms. Kavanagh, you just moved up a notch.
On the way out to the car a few hours later Elliot corners me while Kate and Ana make plans for Thursday night. I try to listen in, I don't need Kate telling Anastasia about what Elena has been saying about her.
"So what's the deal with you and Mrs. Lincoln?"
"What do you mean, Elliot?" I act bored but inside my heart is beating like a trip hammer.
"That was more than a business deal gone wrong and I'd chalk it up to what she said to mom and dad about Ana but you started severing ties with her weeks before that. Plus I know that you've had lunch with her for years and that those have stopped as well. Now look, I know you have your hand in a shitload of different businesses but you don't have weekly lunches with the owners of them. Now this outburst tonight? What gives?"
He's on to something, being with a reporter has peaked his awareness apparently. No fucking way am I telling him about me and Elena though. He's always found it odd that I was friendly with her at functions but it was always done in teasing, this conversation is him digging.
"Nothing, she crossed the line spreading lies about Anastasia and before that she was just a bitch. I'll see you Thursday."
In the car I break. I've walked a tight wire with my anxiety since we first sat down for dinner and Elliot's questions just push me over the edge. Ana sits and crosses her legs towards me, running her hand over the back of my head as we drive home in silence. It soothes me enough that by the time we pull into Escala I'm able to breathe deeply without it feeling like a vise is around my chest.
The minute I open her door for her I hug her tightly to me and she molds to me, pliable and warm against me, soaking up the stress of the night. I don't let her go during the quick elevator ride nor do I put her down in the foyer. It's only when we're in the grand room that her feet touch the floor again.
"Well that was interesting." She sits with a huff on the white sofa and I join her, a laugh bouncing out of my chest at her choice of words. Interesting is quite the understatement. "Will you put the fire on?"
"A fire? It's June!" She sighs and slumps her shoulders. "OK, a fire it is." Once it's started I lean back and watch her. She's pensive, clearly thinking about the night and the complications that my life has brought to hers. "Talk to me, Ana. I can't have you upset on top of everything else."
Her smile calms me right away. "I'm not upset with you, Christian. I'm just trying to figure all of this out in my head. I hadn't thought about having to see her in the context of family time and that just, it, well, it floored me. To be sitting there with her and see her touch your mom's hand." A shiver runs though her and I pull her on top of me to warm her. "It made me sick."
Her head lays down on my chest, both of us watching the flames flicker in front of us. I have no idea what to say. I really had never thought about my mom's friendship with Elena but now it's all I think about. Until they're not friends, this will always be an issue I'll have to contend with. My own betrayal of my parents strangles me and I must gasp because she sits up and looks at me.
"Christian, can I ask you something?" Oh fuck, that never ends well. I nod slowly but raise my brows in warning. I am not talking about ex-subs right now. "What do you want with your family? As far as relationships go?" The last part rushes out of her leaving her breathless.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, for years, your whole life really, you've been in a family that very obviously loves you and adores you but you've never really been a part of them. It's as if you watch from the sidelines, always wanting to play but never feeling good enough to jump in." Air is sucked out of my lungs by her visual. It's exactly the way I feel. "But, as an outsider, I can see that they don't care how good of a player you are, they just want you on their team." I sit straight and cover my face by pulling her close and hiding in the comforting softness of her chest. Sometimes I feel like she has a direct line to my soul but the way she talks to me, the gentleness that she uses to coax me to face up to the hidden emotions I've hidden just destroys me.
"Ana, I'm not good enough. I've never been good enough. From the minute I came into their lives I was dirty, filthy, undeserving, just some unwanted kid who needed taking care of. And then I required so much damn attention between therapy and schooling and later discipline and behavior issues. I finally got my life on track and I still couldn't make eye contact with my parents because of what I was doing behind their backs but they were proud of me, of my grades and my acceptance to Harvard. I was finally not the family fuck up but that's only because they didn't know this huge secret that I was carrying around. I can't let them get too close, I can't risk them finding out about who I am and the things I've done. I can't."
Her hands run through my hair over and over as she holds me like a child. "Shhh. You're wrong. I know it's easy for me to say looking from the outside in but you're wrong. Your family loves you. They chose you. Despite what you think, your mother fell in love with you the minute she laid eyes on you. How many children did she see over the years that had been abused and neglected? Hundreds I bet. But you're the only one she felt an immediate connection with, the only one she took that chance on. Your brother and sister came to her, but you, she came to you. That woman adores you, Christian and I'm not a mother so I can't speak on that kind of love but I know, of everybody in your life, she's the one who feels your pain the deepest."
I literally can't breathe right now. Lifting her up and sitting her back down I stand and walk to the window, shoving my hands in my pockets and leaning on the glass. It's raining again, a perfect tribute to the sadness I feel right now.
"Christian, I love you. Part of that love is wanting you to have the happiest life possible. Having real relationships with your family is part of that. I'll never tell your secrets, I'll never force you to tell anyone anything and I'll never get mad at you for your decisions as to what you tell and what you don't but I'd be remiss if I didn't at least encourage you."
Attempting a deep breath fails me, the vise is back, tighter than ever. I don't hear her move from the couch but I feel her arms wrap around me from behind as she presses her face into my back.
"I'll leave you with this. Secrets have strangled your life, they have sucked from you years of happiness, years of healthy relationships and years of memories. Secrets have brought you years of self-doubt, self-loathing and isolation. Until you get rid of them, they'll always hold you back from true freedom."
She's right, I know this. I've known this from the first time I told her about my lifestyle. Just speaking it out loud to someone other than a paid professional felt cathartic, I felt less dirty, less of a freak. But telling my parents about everything? No. I can't. If they rejected me, and I'm sure they would, I couldn't bear it.
"Ana. No more, not tonight." I say it softly against the glass. She tightens her arms around me and nods against my back.
"OK." Slowly she squeezes in front of me, her arms still tight around my waist. "Make love to me, Christian." Yes, make love. Not fuck, not have sex. Make love, that is exactly what I want to do.
I don't stop to turn on the light in the bedroom or to shut the light off in the great room. She's the first to be undressed and climbs to the center of the bed, pushing the blankets aside. When her skin touches mine I feel a surge of protectiveness and pull her close enough so that she gasps for breath. She doesn't stop me.
"I just want to be inside of you." The words rush out breathlessly into her mouth. Her eyes are closed but she nods and pulls me down, making room for me between her legs. The second I enter her I cry out, the comfort of her body is a serenity I've never known but have looked for all of my life. My thrusts are long and slow, punctuated by our constant kissing.
I need to feel her beneath me and hear her whispers of reassurance. Her hands run over my back and arms, through my hair and around my neck over and over, all the while she whispers into my mouth.
"You are good. You are kind. You are gentle. You are safe. You are loved."
Not even when she tightens around me and trembles in my arms does she stop and I finish where I started. Still kissing her, still with her hands all over me and her words running through me. She holds me to her with her arms and her legs and keeps whispering until I fall asleep inside of her.
"You are good. You are kind. You are gentle. You are safe. You are loved."