A/N: Hi everyone. Next chapter afoot…
This chapter was co-written with my best bud in crime SweetSouthernComfort. She seems to be on an evil spree lately. You'll know what I'm talking about if you are reading her new story. Yikes! Calm down woman! Lol. You too are my rock, especially with this story. If it wasn't for you I probably would have killed everyone in a mad cattle stampede by now.
Thank you for your great reviews. I am back to work tomorrow so my posting, sadly, will slow down again. I hope to get another chapter of Guilt up tonight too, so fingers crossed.
So let's have a peek at how out couple are doing….
Chapter 101
She loved to hide now that she was home.
Grissom had insisted she go back into the house after their short walk, but she didn't stay there. Her mother's hovering presence made Sara nervous. Of course, her mother meant well and expected her daughter to finish recovering with plenty of rest and frequent offers of food.
Sara was tired but not sleepy….and she definitely wasn't hungry. So, she slipped out the back door and ran to the old barn. Her father had two but the older one was largely used for equipment and storage. It had a great hay loft and her father had just placed some hay into it only weeks before. She climbed the old wooden ladder that led to the dry dusty loft and spread out a blanket on a bed of warm sweet hay.
Sara relished the solitude and yet she missed Grissom. She hadn't seen him since their walk. She was trying, in her own way, to wean herself from his love. But it was as fruitless as weaning a newborn baby from milk. She might spend hours alone and then suddenly panic would seize her again and she would search desperately to find him, wherever he might be. At the moment she would succeed in finding him, her lips would seal and she would blurt out something trivial and useless as to explain her desperation.
At night she would toss and turn in her bed, waking up alone and afraid, after dreaming of seeing him being strung up by McKeen and his men. In her dreams, reality was altered and she saw Grissom dead by various methods, though his death was always at McKeen or Hank's hands. She saw the lifeless remains of Gregory; saw the burning of the Grove, the shooting of her parents.
And she always relieved her own violation. She would wake up tearful and trembling, kicking the covers from her body and it always took her several minutes to reassure herself that she was truly safe, that Grissom and Gregory were sleeping in their beds. She was safe as long as she was awake, but once the sun descended, she never felt secure.
Some tiny mews reached her ears and she smiled remembering her main objective in coming to the loft, to search for some baby kittens. They were hidden amongst the bales of hay and Sara was determined to find them. She remembered her "kitten searches" even as a child, despite her father's objections that cats served a purpose in hunting mice and other vermin and that taming and feeding the plantation cats would only make them fat and lazy.
Sara had persisted, her love of animals insisting that she nurture the cats and she did. Her argument, even as a mere child, had been that everything needed love and that the cats would mouse better if they had some affection.
She had won, of course. Her regular feedings and nurturing did not affect the cats' hunting ability. In fact, they hunt more effectively and more often, making the Sidle's cats unarguably the best hunting cats in town.
And all because she loved them.
She smiled at the sudden memory that she had even engaged Grissom's help on occasion to help her find kittens as a child. She laughed aloud at one particular thought…
One day when she was about five or six, she had trundled to the house dejected because one search had been fruitless. At the dinner table, she had shared her sorrow but her parents only chuckled at her misfortune. She was so upset she couldn't eat her dinner and then Grissom, a strapping sixteen year old then, had offered to find them for her. And he had, within minutes the next day. Sara was so impressed that she never went "kitten searching" again without his expert help….until he left the Grove.
Sara wondered if Grissom's talents with horses extended to kittens.
Peaches, a light cream colored cat, had given birth just ten days ago and Sara was intent on finding her offspring. As she struggled to move a heavy bale of hay, she smiled to herself. The searching gave her something to do, something to occupy her overburdened mind.
Here in the loft, away from the world, she felt safe. Maybe not loved, but safe. Her mind could meander at will, taking her wherever it wanted. Of course, Sara's mind was quite full, pondering Hannah's cruelty at her expense and the growing whispers of the town. She thought of that story, the one of the unfortunate Tamar, raped by her half-brother and then forced to live her life in disgrace.
She had a comfortable life here. And she knew now that her parents had forgiven her for her transgression and that banishment wasn't something she needed to fear. That was a relief, a big one and Sara was happy about it. However, as she had grown up, she made a huge realization. Her parents, though she loved them dearly, were no longer the center of her world.
Grissom was.
She'd love that man till her last breath. She felt trapped. The proper thing to do would be to confess about Hank's disgracing her to him directly. That is what he deserved, and it was, she knew, the right decision. She had tried, to her credit, but every time her mouth would open in the intention of telling him, her throat would squeeze shut, robbing her of both breath and speech. She simply couldn't say it, fearing that once the words were released that he would leave.
Whenever he was with her now, a fear would seize her heart. Would this be the last time he held her hand? The last time she would hear his voice or gaze into his eyes? She was being selfish, she well realized but each new encounter would give her another treasured memory to reflect upon in her upcoming years, no, decades of loneliness.
And even if, theoretically, they could be together…would she be able to separate Hank's callousness with Gil's tenderness? Once since returning home, she had thought that he might try to kiss her. Her heart pounded with the uncertainty of the moment, one part of it wanted him, needed him to kiss her. The other was terrified he might do so. And only when his lips would touch hers would she know which side would win out. But he hadn't kissed her and she was both elated and devastated that he had not.
She grunted as she moved another bale of hay. Where were those kittens? Her fingers itched to touch them, softly stroke her nails atop their downy heads. The hay chaffed air was starting to irritate her sinuses; she'd spent hours in here already. Her lungs struggled against the exertion, exhaustion and environment. Finally giving up her search for the elusive kittens, she decided to rest and lie atop the green blanket and watch the sunset.
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She'd been in here longer than she thought.
Sara listened carefully, only hearing the call of the birds in the background. Nobody was looking for her, which was wonderful. She'd missed dinner but her parents probably assumed she would be napping and not disturb her. She'd watch the sunset and then head back. Perhaps, spend a few precious moments with Grissom before fighting another night. Lately, she chose not to fight them at all, choosing just to read by candlelight though Hannah's earlier taunts had her reading the story of Tamar over and over again.
And feeling more and more despondent.
She was trying so hard to be strong, to not be viewed as the broken woman everyone saw her as. She tried to talk, joke, laugh…..live.
As the sun began it's descent, she thought of the upcoming party. Nicolas and Gregory both had beaus and Sara assumed that both couples would be in attendance. Part of her was elated at the thought of going with Grissom, as a couple no doubt, their first venture into the ritual of courtship.
She wondered if they would hold hands or discreetly snuggle under a blanket while sitting in the hay in the wagon. Boys would often get girls to kiss them by professing that only kisses could keep ghosts away and more often than not, it worked. And while Grissom was too mature for such childishness, most men did try to get a little kiss or two during such functions.
Her arms ached to touch him; her lips twitched but she was scared. What if he tried and he found her cold? Or worse, what if the rumors reached him at the party?
She needed to get back. Understandably they would be looking for her now…
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"Sara!" Grissom called. "Sara, wake up."
His less than gentle touch and the urgency of his voice finally broke though her dream and Sara's eyes snapped open. She saw Grissom's face framed by a wreath of light from the aloft lantern. Darkness surrounded the wreath.
She remembered thinking she needed to get back. What happened after that? There was no doubt that the sun had set a long time ago, and…..
Oh, God, she had fallen asleep.
Her eyes burned, as if angry for being awakened. She coughed from the cold and chaff.
"You're freezing," he said almost angrily. "Again."
She sniffled. "I'm sorry."
"Please don't say that again." Grissom shook his head. "Trust me, Sara. I've heard enough apologies from you to last a lifetime. You scared all of us. We didn't know where you are, speaking of which…I need to let everyone else know I found you safe."
He produced his handgun from its holster and aimed it towards the moon before firing one shot. The tiny mews started again and a few horses whinnied in the distance as the gun crackled.
Grissom replaced the handgun before setting the lantern down and removing his coat again, wrapping it around her shoulders. "Come on, let's get you home." His voice was tender again.
He helped her stand and watched as she collected her blanket and book. "You spend a lot of time up here?" he asked.
"I was looking for some kittens," she replied. "I can't find them. I watched the sunset and I ….guess I was tired."
He removed a glove, allowing his large warm hand to cup her cold cheek. "Are you not sleeping, Sara?"
"I go to bed."
"That's not what I asked," he said softly. "I asked if you were sleeping."
She opened her mouth to lie but again it failed to produce any response.
"I wouldn't have looked up here for you at all," Grissom reported. "Except I heard some thrashing and some disjointed words coming from up here. I thought at first you were hurt or had found trouble."
"I'm fine. I'm sorry I worried everyone."
"You want to tell me why you're having nightmares?" he implored. He wasn't stupid. Damn it, he knew why. But he couldn't make himself say the words. She needed to tell him herself. She had to get it out.
She shook her head emphatically. "I don't have them….just this time…you just…..caught me."
He didn't believe her. "But you don't sleep…"
"I'm not sleeping…well," she admitted, "But it is okay."
"Is it because you're scared?" That was as far as he could make himself admit. He searched Sara's eyes, noting the obvious exhaustion. She looked as if she might fall asleep standing up.
She only blinked at him.
"I'm cold." She shook her head. "I think I need to go back now."
But then as they descended the ladder to the lower level of the barn, the panic seized her again. So much so that she fumbled in the near darkness, her heart racing in fear.
"Gil!" she called out, not even bothering to disguise her obvious distress.
"I'm right here," he said from below her. "I'm already off the ladder."
She trembled on the ladder, sweat beginning to trickle from her forehead.
"Let go, sweetheart," he assured her. "I've got you."
She released her grip, falling for milliseconds, feeling suspended in time and space until thankfully, she landed softly in his arms.
Her arms reached for him, flinging around his neck and for several minutes she couldn't let go.
He held her, as closely as he felt he could. "Hey…it's alright," he whispered, carefully moving his hands up her back. He inhaled the scent from her hair…she smelt so good.
Eventually, as he felt her relax in his arms, he pulled back and cupped her face in his hands. "You know…if you hadn't been out here so long and weren't so cold…I'd help you find those kittens." He smiled, attempting to break the solemn mood surrounding them. "I think together…we could find them."
Now she smiled. "Promise?"
"If you promise me something…then tomorrow…we will look…"
He'd definitely got her attention and taken her thoughts from the bad to the good. "Promise you what?"
"That the next time you want to come up here, if I'm not with you, then you tell someone where you are going. At least…until you are fully well."
She bowed her head feeling almost angry at his request.
Slipping a finger under her chin, Grissom gently raised her head. His eyes pleaded with her and she saw it.
"No promise, no kittens," he said, not harshly but with meaning. "Everyone was so worried Sara…"
Sara looked at him a little dumbfounded. Gil Grissom was being firm with her? Now? Didn't he understand that she needed an escape? Of course he didn't…he didn't know at all…
And this was one of the few places she could get away from everything. She wasn't about to start telling everyone that.
Grissom's right brow rose. "Say it."
She shook her head. "No."
He removed his finger and took a step back, a little taken aback by her refusal.
"You don't understand," she said.
"Then help me understand," he pleaded.
"I…" Her mouth opened but yet again, she fell short. "…please don't tell anyone I was up here. If you want to do something for me, right now that's all I ask."
He studied her eyes, conceded with a heavy heart and nodded. "Okay…" He held his arm out and urged her to take it. "Come on…"
Sara took his arm and rested her head upon his shoulder as they walked.
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The walk back was in silence. Only the sounds of the night could be heard around them and the rancher found himself deep in thought. He knew Sara was struggling, deeply struggling. He tried to be there for her as much as the social boundaries would allow but, he knew it wasn't enough.
Until she truly had the comfort and stability of knowing she was his and he was hers, he feared Sara would never be able to let go of the past. He was going to wait, just a little longer but he knew now, he had to make a move.
When they reached the house, they were greeted by Ecklie, who stood at the base of the steps, lantern aloft.
Sara straightened herself up and they stopped beside him.
"Everything alright?" the estate supervisor asked.
Grissom nodded. "It will be once Sara get's into the warmth." The rancher looked around. "Everyone return from the search?"
"Yes, right after we all heard the shot. A shot of relief I think everyone felt," Conrad replied. "You had everyone very worried, young lady."
Sara was surprised at Conrad's genuine tone of concern but she felt embarrassed that she had interrupted the entire estates evening. However, she was an adult and was getting angry at the fact she couldn't be left alone. She remained silent.
"Let's get you inside," Grissom said, placing a hand in the small of her back and gently urging her forwards.
"Erm…Gil…" Conrad stopped the rancher just as he stepped away and Grissom waited to hear what the worker had got to say. "Do you think we could have a…I'd need to talk with you…" Conrad continued. "If you're not too busy…"
Grissom's eyes narrowed.
"I wanted to when you got back but…with everything…I just haven't found the right opportunity."
The rancher cleared his throat. He and Conrad had been getting on reasonably well since his return to the estate. The two men weren't close, but they weren't at each other's throats like they normally would be. "Is it important?" Grissom asked.
"To me, yes," the younger man replied.
Grissom thought. "Well, I have something I need to do. We can meet little later?"
Rubbing his chin, Conrad offered a nod. "Sure. I'm not on guard duty tonight and was considering a drink in town. Care to join me?"
"Erm…" Grissom hesitated, "…I'd rather not be away from the estate right now."
Sara glared at him, moving a step away. "You should go."
He looked to her. "What?"
She wrapped her arms around her mid section, the cold suddenly burning deep within her again. "I said you should go. Don't hang around here on my account and I know that's what you're doing."
He wasn't entirely sure what to say, she sounded off with him again.
"I'm going inside," she sighed, turning and climbing the steps.
"I'll let you know," Grissom said hurriedly to Conrad, chasing after Sara.
Conrad just shrugged his shoulders and disappeared into the darkness.
Grissom caught up to Sara just before she reached the door and took her arm, stopping her from entering.
She sighed and looked at him sadly.
"Sara…."
"Look, Gil…." Her eyes wandered as she sought the words she needed, "…I…don't need to be looked after twenty four hours a day. You haven't left the estate since we returned for anything other than work things." Her voice was gentle and not snappy like it was mere moments ago. "Go for a drink with Conrad, it will do you both good and it will be nice for you to have a few hours away from work and from…me being a pain in the rear…" She managed a smile.
Grissom tried to smile back although he wasn't entirely sure if her gesture was true or just put on for his benefit.
"I'm going to bed anyway so….go," Sara finished on.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
He slipped his hands into his pockets. "Okay, but I'll see you in first and…I need…" he hesitated.
She eyed him suspiciously. "You need what?"
"Um…just a word with your father…nothing bad…"
She didn't ask what although the suspicion on her face remained. He quickly pushed the door open and urged her inside.
Entering the house she inhaled a deep breath when she immediately heard her mother reprimanding her.
"Sara!" came Laura's shout. "Where on earth have you been?"
"I was…just around…" Sara exchanged a quick flash of eye contact with Grissom, his coat and handing it back to him. "I fell asleep…"
Laura firmly folded her arms. "Is that all you have to say? We had the whole estate out looking for you."
Sara really didn't need an argument right now but she was tempted. "I'm sorry, Mother," she snapped and looked to Grissom. She shivered a little and her mother noticed.
Laura's features softened. "Fine," she conceded on a sigh. "But this conversation isn't over. Come…I can see your cold. Say goodnight to Gil. You need a hot bath and I'll have some food brought to your room before bed."
With a nod of agreement Sara turned to her man. "Sorry for your trouble…"
In a flash, a gentle finger was placed over her lips. "No more apologies…"
She blushed and he removed his finger.
"So…I'll see you tomorrow?" she questioned knowing she knew she had failed to make his requested promise. If he refused to help her find the kittens now she would just go herself.
He nodded. "You will."
Sara smiled at the thought of kitten hunting again and hoped Grissom would help her. She just wished she could bring one home when they found them and she knew they would find them. Grissom just had that skill.
Maybe she could convince him to help her smuggle one in. "Goodnight," she said softly. "Enjoy you drink…"
Grissom watched as she climbed the stairs, only turning away once she disappeared from view.
"Are you off out?" Laura asked, noting Sara's comment.
The rancher shrugged. "Conrad invited me for a drink, said he wanted to talk to me, so…"
"It will do you good," she returned immediately. "And, thank you for bringing her home safe, Gil", Laura said with appreciation. "She should know better than be out wandering at this hour in the cold."
He grimaced a little. He didn't like keeping the truth from Laura. He looked around. "Is the captain here? I…erm…need to…" he hesitated, "…ask him something…"
Her eyes curiously caught his. "You ask that a little nervously, Gil. Anything I need to know about?"
Anxiously, he slipped his hands into his pockets. "Yeah…but…I need to…"
Laura's eyes sparkled and he knew she knew what he wanted. She giggled a little but then held back her evident excitement. "Thomas went out…as soon as we knew Sara was safe. He was already running late for a meeting about the land for the new hotel."
Grissom's brow rose and he huffed a sigh of irritation. "He has a meeting this late?"
"The gentlemen are very keen for his business, so prepared to wait as long as they need to."
The rancher bit down on his lip and just by looking at him you could see the disappointment on his face as well as a little frustration.
Laura placed a hand on his arm. "He will be back, Gil. You can talk to him when he returns…"
"Yeah."
"You never know, you may even see him in town." Laura pointed towards the kitchen. "I must get Sara sorted. She leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek with a smile. "Try and enjoy your evening we have great times to come..."
"I well and truly pray so."
As Grissom walked to the door, he had two objectives on his mind. But one would be no good without the other.
He knew, his main purpose was Sara and she had to confide in him… it was all her…and hopefully he could offer her that reason to let go…
*** "Upon my soul, I am not sure that it was not yours. You were always driving and riving and shouldering and passing, to that restless degree that I had no chance for my life but in rust and repose. It's a gloomy thing, however, to talk about one's own past, with the day breaking. Turn me in some other direction before I go." ***
*** - Extract taken from A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens