(AN: Holy sweet Hera. Exactly 3,500 words and 12 pages on a Word Document. Also, a slightly more plot-ish chapter. Enjoy!)
Time never moved in this existence between death and whatever afterlife existed in this universe. This inevitably led to amazing amounts of boredom. The students got bored of each other really quickly, having completed their Free Time events already, and nobody wanted to look at another pair of underwear again. (I mean, who started that tradition in the first place? Yamada was currently the prime suspect.)
"Hey guys! Don't be so glum! You haven't done my Social Link yet! The Despair Arcana!" Monokuma appeared right on time… again.
"What are you blathering on about? Are you trying to be clever?" Celes responded, her gaze cold and calculating.
"Um, come on! Am I not allowed to make references?! I'm the headmaster! Talking back results in… having to read the next chapter!" The expression Celes made at that declaration made you wonder if she was going to explode, taking everything with her.
"Threating students is not welcome in a school environment!" Ishimaru cried. (He completely recovered from last time)
Suddenly a crack appeared in the wall, causing Monokuma to turn around. "What the- ?!" After a moment's pause he realized what had happened. "Listen up, you bastards! This place is already unstable enough as it is, so don't make it worse. You do NOT want that wall to fall down."
Fujisaki was the first to express the confusion the students had. "W-what do you mean, that wall? And how-"
"I said no interruptions! You're reading today too! And how about… child soldier?" Monokuma announced, obviously still shaken up by the crack.
Ikusaba didn't seem that concerned about reading, but, "Why are you using such un-creative nicknames for us? You know our names, use them."
Monokuma ignored her and disappeared, as per tradition.
*'**"***"**'*
AN: stop f,aing
Celes: This is ridiculous. Three chapters in a row.
Ikusaba: Leon had to read four chapters, but I'm more curious about how you pronounce that word.
Fujisaki: Maybe it's two words? F, comma, aing? But neither of those are words.
ok hargrid is a pedo 2
Celes: I don't believe he is a pedophile. She did say he was a student, and that Ebony is 17.
a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu!
Fujisaki: That's wrong! Do you have any proof of that, and what makes you think it's just an American problem! Also, you handled that sensitive subject very poorly!
Ikusaba: I have to agree. Also to again bring up the point that Ebony is 17, wait, what's the age of consent in England?
Celes: *one internet search later* Well, it's 16 in Scotland where Hogwarts is located, so…
Fujisaki: Wait…how do you know Hogwarts is in Scotland?
Celes: That's not the issue. The issue is that she took a serious subject and trivialized it.
Ikusaba: Like getting teenagers to murder each other?
how du u no snap iant kristian
Ikusaba: Is that supposed to be a name? Oh, she means Christian. I think the spelling's getting worse.
Fujisaki: I don't think Snape being Christian is the issue…
plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok!
Celes: DON'T YOU FUCKING MESS WITH CEDRIC! NOT AFTER THE CLUSTERFUCK THAT WAS TWILIGHT! AND CHANGING YOUR MIND ABOUT CHARACTERS IS A GODDAMN WASTE OF EVERYONE'S TIME! YOU EITHER COME BACK WITH A PROPER UNDERSTANDING OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE OR I'LL TAKE YOU OUT IN A BODY BAG!
Fujisaki: Um, uh… C-celes… You-you're scaring me…
Celes: Don't worry about me. I'm fine. The author though…
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I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him.
Ikusaba: I can't believe that she keeps spelling her own lover's name wrong.
Fujisaki: And when did he give her a knife? That sounds like a really bad idea.
He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.
Ikusaba: Spare me the Romeo and Juliet drama, please.
Celes: But if she kills herself, the story would be over.
Fujisaki: I doubt that… Do you see this *points to the corner of the screen*
Ikusaba: Forty-four…? Ch-chapters…?
Celes: That is… unfortunate… and I am inclined to believe that is… COMPLETE BULLSHIT! THERE IS NOTHING THAT EVEN VAGUELY RESEMBLES PLOT! THIS IS A POX OF SHAME ON THE HARRY POTTER FRANCHISE!
Fujisaki: Wait, are you a fan of Harry Potter?
Celes: O-of course not. This is just offensive, no matter what fandom it might belong to.
"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire.
Ikusaba: I assume she had Caps Lock on, but 'no' is only two letters, and it's easier just to hold the Shift key.
Fujisaki: Not to mention that the Backspace key is every writer's friend.
He started to scream. "OMFG!
Celes: That is just lazy. Write out the words, it would only take you a couple of extra seconds. Nobody would actually say the letters in real conversation.
Ikusaba: Unless you were Leon, and tried to make into a beat.
Celes: I beg your pardon?
NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.
Fujisaki: His red whites? Is that pink? I'm pretty sure Harry's eyes are supposed to be green.
Celes: Yes, but they were blue in the movies.
Ikusaba: Can someone explain what his scar hurting means?
Celes: It means plot is about to happen.
Fujisaki: Given this story… I kind of doubt that.
I stopped. "How did u know?"
Ikusaba: Did we skip a sentence or something? How did he know what?
Fujisaki: Well, the last thing he said was that his scar hurt, which is something he would obviously know.
"I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!"
"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.
Ikusaba: Wait, I'm confused. Does he have the scar or not?
"I do but Diabolo
Fujisaki: Who's Diablo again?
Celes: *sigh* I believe it's Ron.
changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt!
Ikusaba: How does that make any sense?
Fujisaki: Yeah, what's wrong with the lightning bolt? It looks cool!
Save me!
Celes: Despite your pleas, we can do nothing to save you from this story.
then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….
Celes: Anyone want to place any bets?
Fujisaki: I-I don't think so. With all the strange things happening, it would be extremely difficult to predict.
Celes: Don't forget that Draco is supposed to be dead.
Ikusaba: Oh, right. Now I'm more confused.
Volfemort has him bondage!"
Fujisaki: Does she mean that he kidnapped Draco or…
Ikusaba: Wouldn't be surprised if it's both.
Celes: Voldemort wouldn't do that.
Ikusaba: True, but this is Volfemort, the long lost brother from Albania.
Anyway I was in the school nurse's office now recovering from my slit wrists.
Fujisaki: But she was fine the other times she slit her wrists.
Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too.
Celes: Why is Hagrid's name capitalized? I thought she didn't like him.
They were going to St. Mango's
Ikusaba: That's actually kind of funny. Holy fruit.
Fujisaki: Well, some of the people there are bananas. I'm sorry, that wasn't funny.
after they recovered cause they were pedofiles
Celes: No, they would go to St. Mungo's to recover from their wounds that didn't seem to hurt them at all.
Fujisaki: Yeah, and pedophilia is not a reason to go to a magical hospital.
and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz.
Celes: And when she says 'hot gurlz', she's just referring to herself.
Fujisaki: I don't understand why everyone thinks she's so good looking. Her personality's horrible.
Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked.
Ikusaba: He what? When did Dumbledore eat the camera? And didn't we establish that Ebony wasn't naked?
Fujisaki: That's a horrible mental image. Dumbledore doesn't…
Celes: Fujisaki, I believe everyone performs those functions.
I put up my middle finger at them.
Ikusaba: That's rude.
Celes: I'm tempted to give Ebony the same, but I don't want to stoop to that level.
Fujisaki: I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought that.
Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.
Fujisaki: That's sweet.
Celes: I suppose, but we know he'll be rejected.
Fujisaki: I'm just trying to find anything positive.
"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.
Celes: I'm done with the unnecessary punctuation. JUST TYPE OUT THE WORD, YOU LITTLE BITCH! 'VERY' IS ONLY FOUR LETTERS! YOU ONLY SAVED 2 KEYSTROKES! THAT DOESN'T CONTRIBUTE ANYTHING IN THIS PIECE OF SHIT!
Ikusaba: Getting this worked up can't be good for your health.
Celes: Don't be silly. It would take more than some silly teenage girl's fantasies to make me snap.
"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don't like fucked up preps like you." I snapped.
Fujisaki: That's three times in two sentences. Not even Oowada cusses that much.
Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik.
Ikusaba: He seems to be really nice to you now.
Celes: No need to state the obvious.
Ikusaba: Someone has to. What kind of story requires you to read each sentence at least twice to understand what it means?
"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses."
Fujisaki: If they look like roses, smell like roses, feel like roses, they must be chrysanthemums.
Ikusaba: That actually makes sense. I can imagine Ebony not knowing much about flowers.
"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.
Ikusaba: What?
Celes: Just take roses and stop whining.
"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily.
Fujisaki: When?
"No you didn't I replied."
Ikusaba: Who does that when they speak? I said.
Fujisaki: hehe… I remarked it probably has to do with her failure of using quotation marks.
Celes: Very mature.
"You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.
Fujisaki: Wait, who's saying what? A-also, she spelled that word wrong.
Celes: Does it matter?
"Whatever!" I yelled angirly.
He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses."
Ikusaba: He keeps saying that. They're probably lilies or something like that.
He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! .
Fujisaki: Um, I think this a lesson on how not to use quotation marks and the shift key.
"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely.
Celes: Yes, how wise. Knowing the lyrics to a song.
"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes."
Ikusaba: I don't think you need to do that before you do a spell, right?
Fujisaki: Unless he plans on singing. I hope not.
Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!"
Celes: What is that supposed to mean? Is it Latin?
Fujisaki: Actually, Google Translate doesn't seem to know. *One internet search later* I still don't have anything. Maybe she spelled so wrong that it's unrecognizable?
And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black.
Ikusaba: No need to repeat. We know what your favorite color is. It's almost unhealthy to like the color black that much.
Now I knew he wasn't a prep.
"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?"
Fujisaki: Unless I'm mistaken, she's asking what's Draco? I'm pretty sure that is something she should know.
Ikusaba: I think she meant to where he is. And she didn't ask about Draco, she was wondering about Drako.
Fujisaki: I know, but I can't stand it!
Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.
Celes: Why? It's not like it's a crystal ball or something. Actually the flame would be more useful.
Ikusaba: What if the crystal ball was owned by George Washington?
Fujisaki: The plot does feel like something Hagakure would predict.
"U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?"
Fujisaki: Enough with the text speak! It's annoying!
Celes: I thought you would encounter it quite often in your line of work.
Fujisaki: Not necessarily… I deal with programming, not with what people type using the programs.
"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back.
Ikusaba: What's with this 'headache' stuff? Yes, headaches usually make people more irritated, but it doesn't change their personality that easy. Unlike Junko…
Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!"
Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it.
Fujisaki: Not another clothing description.
Celes: I do enjoy black and lace, but this is simply excessive.
There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.
Ikusaba: Did any of you read that?
Fujisaki & Celes: No.
"You look kawai, girl." B'loody Mary said sadly.
Celes: What's with the sudden Japanese? Not to mention you're using it wrong.
Ikusaba: And not to mention Bloody Mary is supposedly sad when she compliments her friend.
"Fangs (geddit) you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset.
Fujisaki: That joke is not really that clever.
Ikusaba: I agree, and why does it say she said it sadly but she was upset. Aren't those the same thing?
I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood.
Celes: You just went to the hospital wing for doing that. Also, you shouldn't have blood, because that ruins the point of vampires searching for prey.
I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time.
Ikusaba: You just said they were going to 'St. Mango's' after they healed from the injuries that should have killed them. You know what? I think I'm going to give up on trying to understand this.
Fujisaki: Please don't! I don't think I could make it through anymore of this!
I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures.
Celes: The hair of magical magic creatures? Well, unicorn hair does have magical properties, but that is extremely repetitive.
Fujisaki: Also, how do you spell 'care' as 'hair'? If you stick to the traditional hand positions while typing, the word 'care' would only be spelt with the left hand, while the letters 'h' and 'i' are on the right side of the keyboard.
Ikusaba: I look forward to the day when Ebony runs into you two experts. The lecture she would get will be one for the record books.
Celes: What makes you think I'm an expert on this subject? I'm not, I assure you.
Ikusaba: Well you seem to know a lot about Harry Potter lore…
Celes: I WASN'T ASKING FOR YOUR OPINION, WAS I?!
He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.
Fujisaki: Poor Hufflepuffs. They can never catch a break. Also, why is no one questioning him maiming and possibly killing a student?
"Hi." he said in a depressed way. "Hi back." I said in an wqually said way.
We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos.
Ikusaba: The thing about the red eyes is getting really old. Not to mention the thing about the gothic stuff.
Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.
Fujisaki: … I misread that, right? Or it's a huge typo, right? T-tell me, please.
Celes: What the… I can't find a suitable word for this.
"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!"
Ikusaba: Those are suitable words, right?
Celes: Those will suffice… for now.
Fujisaki: That's actually a decent insult. But who's saying it?
Ikusaba: Maybe Dumbledore with another headache.
shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else.
Ikusaba: McGoggle? That's actually pretty funny.
Fujisaki: But everyone seeing Ebony and Vampire fooling around isn't.
"Vampire you fucker!" I said slapping him.
"Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!" I shouted and then I ran away angrily.
Celes: Wait, what? You were screwing him too, darling.
Ikusaba: Yes, and you 'loved' Draco, in the past tense meaning you don't anymore.
Fujisaki: Right, because Vampire had a vision that proved he wasn't dead.
Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.
Fujisaki: Wait, this seems familiar…
Ikusaba: *looks up at earlier* I think it's exactly the same.
"NO!" I ran up closer.
"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.
"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation."
he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!"
Celes: It's exactly the same… the same pathetic, horrible, heart-rotting writing… She just copied and pasted… not even noticing all of the errors… ruining everything…
Fujisaki: Celes, a-are you okay?
Celes: I'm fine, thank you for worrying. OF COURSE I'M NOT OKAY YOU CROSS-DRESSING SON OF A BITCH! SOME FUCKING IDIOT WHO DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO SPELL HER OWN NAME HAS FOREVER RUINED MY FAVORITE CHILDHOOD FRANCHISE WITH POORLY WRITTEN SEX, VIOLENCE, AND SHITTY WRITING IN GENERAL! AND MONOKUMA IS FORCING US TO READ THIS EVEN THOUGH IT IS KILLING EVERY BRAIN CELL I HAVE JUST TO DECIPHER SOMETHING THAT ISN'T WORTH THE DIGITAL PAPER IT IS WRITTEN ON!
Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven Way, if you are reading this somehow, I have a message. This is Taeko Yasuhiro, and FUCK YOU, YOUR MOTHER IS A*Monokuma appears* -ING *Whoa! I guess this is bad timing!* LOREM IPSUM*It's taking you forever to finish this chapter*ABNIVINIUM *What happened to Celes?* TRAGULA *I'm actually kind of scared…* HIPPOPOTUMUS *I'm the headmaster and-* REPUBLICAN *Wait, no politics-* AND DANIEL RADCLIFFE *Listen to me!* WITH A BUCKET OF *That's nasty!* AND A CASTLE FAR AWAY WHERE NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU *Stop! Stop that right now!*SOUP *I told you no references!* WITH A BUCKET OF *You're killing Fuijsaki's innocence!*MICKEY MOUSE *Hold it! I'm more adorable than that- *AND A STICK OF DYNAMITE! *Upupu, I think I finally broke her* MAGICAL *I don't think that's physically possible* ALAKAZAM!
Fujisaki: …
Ikusaba: … Wow.
Monokuma: Look what you've done! The crack is now four times as big! I hope you're happy.
Celes: Never.
Monokuma: No, don't you dare- don't you walk away from your headmaster!
Damn it. Ready to finish kids?
Ikusaba & Fujisaki: …
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Monokuma: You know those numbers refer to Satan and demons, right? Like what Celes just turned into.
SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111
Ikusaba: Wait, her friend was supposed to write the chapter?
Fujisaki: T-that's what it s-sounds like. H-how are you so calm?
Ikusaba: I don't have enough emotions to panic. Or be useful. At least, that's what my sister says
HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I
Monokuma: That's rude. Who takes another person's sweater?
Ikusaba: Who asks for said sweater over the internet when they obviously live close enough to ask for it face to face?
Monokuma: Right, well, we're going to have to be careful from now on! Good night, sleep tight, don't let the ceiling crush you!