CPOV
"Why, exactly are we doing this and not Gail?"
"Because grocery shopping relaxes me and after my appointment with Dr. Fischer this morning, I need it. Plus, I have to deal directly with that asshole Tsang today." She drops the mango she had been holding and turns to me quickly. "Do you know that misogynistic douchebag asked if I had a male counterpart he could speak with?"
I did know that actually. Ros was in on the last call along with four men from the Chinese team and shot me an email the minute the words left his mouth.
"Ros basically told him to go to hell but since she's a woman too, he ignored her. What happens to their jobs once you take over these companies?" She resumes her mango squeezing and hands me the three she deems acceptable so that I can put them in our basket.
"Well, the contract, as it is now, guarantees their positions for three years and then offers them a golden parachute should I choose to not retain them past that point. Shizu will keep his position as the President but will no longer be accountable to a board of directors. Instead he'll be accountable to me directly and that's the part that he's most uncomfortable with."
"Ugh. So you'll have to deal with them for at least three years? I am so over men thinking women aren't their equals." I remain silent, after our disastrous lunch yesterday I'm not going anywhere near the topic of women's equality with Anastasia.
I had a lot of time to think once she fell asleep last night. Part of me marveled that she was tucked up against me after the things she had read and then made assumptions about but another part of me started to really get pissed.
Contracts, guidelines, limits, those things had always been part of my relationships with women inside the bedroom. I knew, subconsciously that it wasn't the way most relationships ran but it was all I knew. And it worked for me and those women for years. I had never had a woman upset with the wording, I had never been questioned on the way I viewed women. In fact, it was a woman who assisted me in drafting the damn contract to begin with.
When Elena and I started there was no contract. She knew I couldn't bear to be touched and promised not to. I was so inexperienced sexually that I couldn't possibly have given her my hard or soft limits since I hadn't experienced any of them and in truth, she never gave me the option to choose what happened to me.
In fact, it wasn't until she wanted to sub for me that a contract came into play in our relationship and even then it was only the limits that we discussed. When I was her sub I didn't know any better, I just did what I was told, when I was told, how I was told. The rules were unspoken but they were there.
When I terminated my time with Elena she offered to help me find a suitable woman to take her place and then handed me a generic contract, much like the one she sent Anastasia. I tweaked a few things here and there, some Doms require their subs to be collared or marked in some way and I had no interest in that but overall, the contract is pretty tame compared to others.
The point in that contract was to cover all the bases so that the parameters of any interaction, both socially, emotionally and physically were covered. And yes, reading it over now as an objective nonparticipant, I can see why she was upset. I can understand why she would think that my views on women were insulting and offensive; I can even understand why she's having a hard time separating out the two men represented by it. What I can't do is make her see how the contract was a protection to both me and the women involved.
It clearly spelled out what they were agreeing to and gave them the option, up front, as to whether or not they wanted to continue. There were no misunderstandings because we worked out every point before we ever even touched. It protected both of us physically and emotionally.
"What did you and Dr. Fischer talk about?" She huffs and I rush to add, "You obviously don't need to tell me anything." What I want to know is if she talked to her about the contract.
She slits her eyes and hands me four limes and then grabs my forearm. "Kiss me."
"What? Why?" She reaches up and plants a kiss I'd deem indecent for the produce section but it fires up my libido enough that I just don't care. "Damn. What was that for?" She motions with her head towards a woman at the deli counter.
"That woman hasn't taken her eyes off of you since we walked in and just now she took out her damn phone to take a picture. Bitch." Whatever Ana and the therapist spoke about, it's pissed her off. We continue to shop in silence, I'm obviously not getting an answer as to what happened at her appointment.
At the checkout she uncharacteristically skips the small talk with the cashier and then throws the bags in the car for Sawyer to take back to Escala. It's 10 in the morning but she plugs in her phone and blasts the Beastie Boys 'Sabotage' as loud as she can switching to Metallica's 'Sad but True' as soon as it's over.
"OK, what's going on?" There are people filing past us in the parking garage at Grey House but I'm not getting out or letting her get out of this car before I know what's bothering her. She rubs her face furiously and then leans her head back on the seat.
"I'm pissed, mostly at myself." She lowers the seat so that she's lying down and pulls a Reece's out of her purse. Oh shit. "Like I said, Christian, it's going to take some time for me to work out what I now know to be your archaic and offensive views on women when it came to your sexual relationships." How long? As if she can read my thoughts she mutters to herself, "It's been two days for Christ's sake."
"Ana, it was all I knew." She closes her eyes and reaches into her bag for another chocolate.
"Please. That's such a crock of shit. I don't need to tell you that feigned ignorance isn't excusable when you're telling a human being that you own them and that they can't look at you." She sits up, her purse spilling all over the floor in front of her. Without looking she reaches down and growls, shoving chapsticks, tampons, papers and gum back in. "Fuck! I'm out of Reece's!" And with that she opens the door and walks towards the entrance. Dr. Fischer is about to get fired.
I have to hurry to catch up to her and for the first time since we've met, the elevator ride to the top floor is quiet, not because we're fighting our desire for each other but because I'm pretty sure if I so much as sneeze she's going to go ballistic. Angry Ana is scary Ana.
"Good morning, Ms. Steele, Mr. Grey. Can I get you a coffee?" Ana immediately softens and smiles, the first I've seen since I dropped her off at her appointment.
"Thank you, Andrea that would be great. We didn't get the chance to stop at Starbucks this morning." Her body turns to me and she softens further. "Can I talk to you in your office for a minute?"
"Of course, you don't need to ask. Jacqueline, please bring me the Inteligent file in five minutes."
Once the door shuts her shoulders slump but she walks to me and wearily rests her head on my chest and lifts her arms around my waist.
"I'm sorry." She whispers. "I believe you when you say you don't think poorly of women in general, I'm just having a tough time accepting what you and those women agreed to. Dr. Fischer thinks that perhaps I should do some research into BDSM so that I can understand the relationship between a Dom and a sub."
"Ana, I can tell you anything you need to know." Her nose rubs against my sternum.
"No, I don't want to ask you, it's too…painful to know you'd be answering from experience. I need an objective third party so I think I'll take some time at Rays this weekend and see what I can find on the internet."
"Promise me one thing." Those clear green eyes stare up at me sadly. "Promise me that you'll ask me anything you need to and that you won't jump to conclusions before we speak about it." She nods and then pulls away.
"I promise." She walks over to the SmartBoard in the conference area and turns it on, writing with the stylus;
'You are good for me'
Am I? She's confused and upset because of me. Am I good for her or am I doing exactly what I was afraid of and breaking her little by little? I'm too selfish to let her go and I'm too afraid to ask so I opt for a topic change instead. Coward.
"I can't wait to see what you've got planned for tomorrow and Saturday when we're apart." She pouts her lips and sighs, picking off imaginary lint on my suit jacket.
"What time will you be home anyway?"
"I'm scheduled to land at SeaTac at 10 on Saturday night. You'll be back by then, right?"
"Yes, I told Ray I'd be leaving after dinner so I'll be back around 9 or so. I'm still driving my car." Normally I'd argue this with her but right now even I know I'd lose that battle and create a new one in the process.
"Why else would you have a car if not to drive it?" She rolls her eyes and kisses me quickly before turning to go.
"Good evening, Mr. Grey. Can I open those for you?" Gail greets me at the door and takes the wine that Taylor and I have picked up on the way home for the dinner party Ana and I are throwing tonight. It blew my mind to stand in the specialty shop and pick out the wine for a dinner party that my girlfriend and I are hosting in my apartment with two of her guy friends. I'd successfully blocked out the fact that they'd be here tonight but as the day wore on the now familiar pangs of jealousy had their way.
I spent the better part of today with my legal counsel in the hopes of putting Elena Lincoln in jail but nothing we had was enough to do much damage. Welch just sat back when he heard the verdict and wisely didn't make eye contact with me. If that wasn't enough, I waited up until four in the morning for that damn website to go live with the updated pictures of Ana.
At midnight I logged on as she slept peacefully next to me but it wasn't until close to four that the site updated. I was not happy to see that the first picture that pops up is of Ana but I was relieved that the picture I objected to had been replaced. After searching every page on the site and finding myself satisfied that Jared had in fact kept to just the four we approved of, I shut the computer down and tried to fall asleep.
I couldn't. All I could think about was the men around the world who would see her in those positions in clothes that barely covered her body. My mind went into overdrive and wouldn't shut off. Only after I woke her at six and pulled her tight to me, sliding into her warm body until all I could think about was the amazing sensation and the soft woman beneath me did I find relief from my thoughts.
The 45 minutes I slept while she got ready has left me agitated and exhausted. And now, on top of those fucking pictures I have to entertain two men who I know want what's mine.
"Hey baby!" she greets me when I walk into the kitchen. My agitation turns to boiling rage when I see the leather pants and fitted black blouse she's put on. Without thinking I kiss her and then pull her to the hallway, away from Gail's ears.
"What are you wearing?" Her face, so bright and happy falls along with her shoulders.
"Clothes. For a dinner party. Excuse me." Her little frame tries to pass me but I'm not finished.
"Change." Full on anger covers her face.
"Change? Change? I'm sorry, I guess you've forgotten that I didn't sign your contract. You don't get to tell me what to wear. Or eat, or say or look at." My eyes betray me because she laughs then. "Yea, not your sub, remember?" I can actually feel the itch on my palm.
"Ana, there are going to be four men here. I don't want my girlfriend parading around in skin tight leather pants for them to ogle." I don't know if I sound desperate or what it is but she kisses my jaw and pats my chest.
"Christian, I want to wear these pants. I put them on because I thought you'd like them. The four men who are coming are coming with their own girlfriends. If one of them shows up in a skimpy dress, are you going to be ogling them or are you faithful to me even with your mind?"
"It's only ever you, Ana. But not all guys are like that."
"I get that but I like to think that the men in my life are good guys. You are going to have to learn to control your jealousy." I want to laugh in her face at that. Has she seen herself? Does she know the effect she has on men or is she that naïve that it doesn't cross her mind that she's an object of desire?
"How? How do I stop caring that men are eye fucking you?"
"Well, for starters you can believe that the same way you only think of me, I only think of you. I love you and I'm faithful to you in all ways possible. There are always going to be women who want you and men who want me, it's part of life. If I demanded that you stop wearing suits to work because they make you look insanely hot, would you do it?"
"Ana, that's different."
"No, it's not. Everywhere we go there are women who check you out, blatantly, even though I'm standing right there! Should I be angry with you and fly off the handle each time some chick checks you out? Should I demand that you conform to what I want because some woman at the grocery store this morning was 'eye fucking' you?"
I have no answer to that. I don't give two shits about the woman from the grocery store or any woman for that matter. I only care about Ana.
"Insanely hot, huh?" She rolls her eyes and damn if the itch on my palm doesn't start to burn.
"Yes, insanely hot. Now come on, I need to finish the tomato salad and you need to light the candles." And just like that she walks back to the kitchen, her leather clad ass swaying behind her.
Missy and Logan are the first to arrive. He shakes my hand and then gives Ana a quick kiss on the cheek before following me to the balcony where Gail has set up the bar with mojitos and vodka tonics. I still haven't figured out how I feel about Missy. She's brass and loud but she's also the most open person I've ever met. Normally I'd find her as annoying as they come but when I watch Ana with her, I find that the very same traits that annoy me are the ones that I appreciate the most.
Her crass humor and blunt verbiage make Ana laugh so hard she cries. I want to do that for her.
Elliot and Kate show up with Mia and Ethan soon after to join us on the balcony.
"Dude, a dinner party? She's got you by the short and curlies alright." He's so dumb I can't help but laugh at him. "What? She does! Don't even tell me this was your idea, you've lived here for what, six years and this is the first time we've been here for dinner outside of your birthday." He looks around and turns back to me. "Where's her purse?"
"Why?"
"I want to get your balls back." I laugh loudly at that one. I can't even deny it and he knows it.
"You were too annoying before to hang out with." He chokes on his drink and laughs.
"I was too annoying? Me? I was having a cape made for you. 'Captain Asshole'" Mia hits his arm and gives me a quick hug.
"Ignore him. I, for one, am so glad to see you happy and Ana is awesome. Perfect for you."
"Yea, and she can fill out a pair of leather pants pretty well too." My jaw sets tight and I clench my fists but Elliot reaches for Kate and kisses her cheek. "Get yourself a pair of those pants Ana has on will you, Katie girl?"
"Jose!" Ana stands and walks towards him, hugging his girlfriend before hugging him. I watch his eyes and his hands carefully but not once does he check out her ass or touch her inappropriately though even the brief hug they exchanged made me want to punch his face in.
APOV
"Mr. Grey, thank you so much for opening your home to us." My heart seizes when Jose stretches his hand towards Christian but Christian reaches back immediately and smiles.
"Call me Christian. We're glad you could come." To anyone else it sounded normal but I could hear the slight inflection on the word we're. "Rachel, it's lovely to see you again. Can I get you a vodka tonic or one of these mojitos?"
For now things are going well. I'm snuggled up to Christian, his arm securely wrapped around my waist as we talk to Kate and Elliot about their upcoming trip. It's still crazy to see Kate like this, committed to one man and in love.
"I'm having some updates done to the apartment over the next few weeks." Elliot looks at him over the rim of his drink.
"Who's doing the work?" Christian points to me.
"Ana will choose what she wants and I've hired Gia Matteo to oversee the project." Elliot's eyebrows raise and my inner alarm goes off. Gia has history somewhere here.
"Isn't she more of an architect?"
"She's a project manager for an architectural and decorating firm. She's been vetted already and has already worked with me so it was an easy choice." Elliot looks away and reaches for another drink just as Gail calls us in for dinner.
"What's that about?" I whisper to Christian.
"Later."
Christian resumes his role as head of household and takes the seat at the head of the table, pulling out the chair to his right for me. It's no accident that Elliot is closest to him on the other side.
"Jose how is your show going?"
"Great, besides the photos that they Grey brothers bought I've sold 19 more." Christian swallows his appetizer and speaks with a kindness I've not seen him extend to other males before.
"Don't forget your commission to Grey House. I'd like to schedule a meeting in the next few weeks to get that started." Jose is beaming. My hand finds Christians leg under the table and squeezes in appreciation.
"I didn't know you did that." He smiles and leans over to me.
"If you told me two months ago I'd be having dinner with him and conducting business with him, I'd have laughed you out the door." He takes another bite. "It's the Ana effect. See, I'm trying."
"Rachel, what do you do for a living?"
"I work for Interpol but I'm on sabbatical right now."
"The crime organization?" Logan asks, clearly as impressed as I am. She throws back a laugh and looks at him to answer him directly.
"Well, actually, it's a crime fighting organization."
Kate's ears prick up. I'm surprised she doesn't whip out a tape recorder. "What do you do? Why are you on sabbatical?"
"I work to fight human trafficking." My stomach drops at the imagined vulgarities she must come across on a daily basis. A respected hush blankets the table as she explains in the briefest terms what she does and how she ended up in Seattle.
"My partner and I were on a six month stint in Romania up until three months ago. When we were ready to…wrap things up there was a bit of an altercation that resulted in the both of us getting a six month paid vacation." She sips her wine, tipping the cup to Christian in appreciation of the vintage before looking at Jose.
"Did the case wrap favorably?" Christian asks.
She smiles but her thoughts are far off. "It did but the trials haven't started yet. I'll be back in Lyon for the court appearances and required testimony in four months. Until then, I get to relax here."
"And how did you wind up in Seattle if you're from Dublin?" Kate just can't help herself.
"My uncle moved here over 20 years ago. I've got family in Dublin but when you're involved in a case like that, you always fear retribution of some sort and Seattle is far enough away that I don't have those concerns." Thankfully Kate doesn't ask what happens to Jose when she goes back. After a few more benign questions she shifts the attention away from herself and onto Mia who goes on and on about her new job until Elliot interrupts her.
"I saw Mrs. Lincoln yesterday, she was with a real estate agent looking at the building on Sixth Avenue I'm bidding on." The temperature of the mood changes immediately and after an hour of easy and jovial conversation I'm saddened that she has yet again spoiled something so normal and nice for us.
"Why would she be there?" Elliot shrugs and shoves a spoonful of mango sorbet in his mouth.
"I'm pretty sure she was looking to buy it. You know what surprised me the most though?" His spoon waves in the air but his eyes settle on Christian. "She seemed happy to have run into me. Usually you want to avoid running into the person you're bidding against but she almost seemed giddy. Made sure to come over and say hello and told me that she was going to see if you wanted to go in on the building with her. Shocked the hell out of me after your run in on Monday at moms house."
My head just about explodes and one look at Christian confirms that his is about to as well. I've never seen his face so red or so tense.
"She's delusional if she thinks I'd go into business with her ever again. I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire." Missy howls with laughter but Rachel's brows knit with confused concern.
"Who is this woman?" she asks in her Irish lilt. Kate jumps in before anyone else can, eating her dessert and carelessly flicking her hand as if Elena Lincoln was no more than a buzzing fly.
"An old jealous bitch. She actually had the balls to tell Mr. and Mrs. Grey that our Anastasia here was after him for his money. AND she insinuated that she's a gold digger with a line of broken wealthy men behind her." What the fuck?
I hear Christian's sharp intake of breath but I don't dare look at him. He had to have known this, hell, Kate knew about it. My hand pulls away from his leg to twist in my own lap but he makes no attempt to hold it anyway. I'm blindsided yet again.
"When did she say that, Kate?" Kate's eyes grow wide and the spoon makes a slow pull out of her mouth as her face turns to me.
"You didn't know about it?" she breathes and then looks at Christian who is shooting fire out of his eyes at her. Elliot leans back and runs his hand over his face but says nothing. Her mouth settles into a thin line and her arms cross over her chest but she doesn't break her eye contact with Christian. She's as pissed as I am.
"Before the Coping Together Event so when was that, a month ago?"
"Yes." I grit out and then not wanting to ruin the night I pretend to laugh it off but these are my friends, they know that I'm upset. Jose finally throws me a lifeline and both Christian and I grab it.
"Can you imagine, our Annie here caring at all about money? I mean, Kate, sure, I can see that. But Ana?" Kate tosses her napkin at him playfully and the conversation resumes to catching up on gossip about old friends from college. I do my best to join in but inside I'm a dangerous mixture of steaming mad and deeply embarrassed.
Christian is speaking in a low timbre to Elliot so that I can't hear the conversation but it's clear to me that Elliot is not happy with whatever he's hearing. When I rise to clear the dishes Rachel stands immediately and follows me into the kitchen, grabbing plates along the way.
"Ana, I wanted to talk to you if I may." My whole body goes rigid, I swear if she says she's uncomfortable with me and Jose I will scream bloody murder right now. She hands me the dishes and leans against the counter while I load them into the dishwasher.
"Jose told me what happened to you." That familiar pit opens up in my stomach but I stand and look at her, giving her a little nod so that she knows to continue. "I don't know the details, I don't think Jose does either but I felt like I should say something to you. That case my partner and I were working on, when we had enough evidence to arrest we approached a particular house that we'd been watching. When I was waiting for the signal to enter, a man, one of the men we were going to arrest actually, attacked me from behind." The pit becomes sinkhole. She gives me a minute to take it in, quietly assessing my mood but I'm stone faced and still.
"I froze. I've been trained by the most prestigious military schools, I'm a black belt in three martial arts and have taken extensive training in street fighting. I can assemble, load and accurately shoot an M16 in less than 55 seconds but I froze. It took me close to a minute before I began to react in any way that was defensive. It happens, it doesn't mean you've lost your power, it means you've been caught off-guard and that you need to regroup."
I let the words sink in and then finish loading the dishwasher. Finally I stand and look at her.
"I froze too. I'm working on it but it's not easy. The man I'm working with has me yelling as loudly as I can what…Hyde said to me and what he did to me. I hate it. Hearing my own voice like that, I sound so fearful."
"He's making you say the words because once the words are out, once you get them out of you they can't hold you back and haunt you anymore. Words are a powerful thing. They can be used to build someone up or to cut someone down. They can start wars and end them, they can love and they can hate. But when we own them they only have as much power as we give them and your words, your thoughts are holding you hostage to that night. Get them out and you take back your power."
I grunt, in so many words, that exactly what I've been telling Christian about his own self-made prison.
"Thank you, Rachel."
"Anytime." She turns to go but I call her back.
"What happened to the guy?" She breathes in but doesn't breathe out as she debates telling me. Once she makes her decision she shrugs her shoulders and clasps her hands together.
"I put a bullet in his gut. I had no other option. He died an hour later and I felt guilty as shit for all of 45 minutes. Then we began pulling out girl after girl from his basement. They were filthy and starved. You want to talk about victims? Turned out to be the best day of my life. And, we got sabbatical because of it and I met Jose." She gives me a 'so there ya go' grin and walks back to the table.
I officially have a girl crush.
CPOV
"You didn't fucking tell her what Elena said?"
"It's none of your damn business Elliot, you should focus on shutting your girlfriends mouth instead." He just grits his teeth and lowers his voice lower.
"My girlfriend happens to be Ana's best friend you douche. You should have told her yourself. Unfuckingbelievable how amateurish you are." I cut all conversation off at that point. I know I should have told her and I was going to a few times but each time something else would come up or I'd determine that there was no real reason for her to be hurt.
Ana still hasn't looked at me even though she's carrying on as if nothing was the matter but I can feel the fury radiating from her. I could kill Katherine Kavanaugh and Elliot right now. And to top it all off, I find out that Elena is fucking around with my brothers business. There is no reason for her to buy more buildings and no reason she should go up against Grey Construction. And that little message of hers about us going in together, that was an obvious declaration of war.
Once Jose, Rachel, Missy and Logan leave we laze about in the great room to finish off another few bottles of wine but Ana stays on the opposite couch, engaged in a conversation with Mia about god knows what. I'd rescue her but I'm pretty sure she'd rather talk to Mia than have me near her right now.
"C, what's the deal with you and Elena? No more bull shit either." Shit. My heart is hammering in my chest. "Look, you can tell me it's a business deal gone wrong but I know it's more than that." I look around but no one is listening to us.
"Why do you think that?"
"Because you've always been weird around her. And then you go into business with her and it's salons for Christ's sake and then I find out you have weekly lunches with her? All strange but let me be frank here, you're strange so I didn't think too much about it. Then you decide to pull out of her salons even though they're making money hand over fist but it's not just your backing you pull, you freak the fuck out when her name comes up or when she shows up. And her starting shit with mom and dad, spreading rumors about Ana? Come on, I'm not an idiot, something smells like shit and I want to know what it is."
I've walked far enough away that we're alone so when I beckon him to my office and shut the door nobody seems to notice. He looks alarmed. Can I do this? Can I tell him and trust him to not say anything to our parents? Ana's words about secrets come back to me then and spur me on.
We're facing each other, his back is to the door and I'm standing opposite him about four feet away. My hands go to my head again and I notice his do as well before he shoves them in his pockets in an attempt to look nonchalant.
"When I was 15 Elena came on to me and we started fucking. Daily." I can hear my voice but the words sound garbled because of the pressure in my head. Elliot's neck bends down as his eyes open wide and his jaw drops.
"Did you just say that Elena Lincoln and you were having sex together when you were 15 years old?" I nod and close my eyes. "Holy fuck, Christian! How the, when did you, how, holy shit. I need to sit." I motion for the couch but he ignores me and continues to stare wide eyed at my face.
"That means she was what? 35? 36?"
"34 from what I remember." His hands run through his hair and then over his face, covering his mouth in disbelief.
"You were molested. You know that, right? Or are you just now realizing it and that's why you hate her so much all of the sudden? Oh my god, she's a pedophile." He sinks to a squatting position and puts his hands back over his mouth. "She should be in jail."
"Elliot, I was out of control, it started when I was constantly in fights and failing school. Remember my binge drinking and the trouble I'd get in?" He nods but doesn't blink. "She came along and straightened all that out, whipped me into shape and kept me there."
"Oh my god, you don't see it yet. Holy shit, Christian, you still don't see what she did do you?" He covers his face entirely then and gasps back a cry. "It all makes so much sense now." His hands drop. "I failed you. As your older brother I failed you, I should have known, I should have done something." He stands and looks at me sadly. "I'm sorry."
It guts me.
"Elliot. Please don't do this. It was wrong, I realize that now but it also helped me." He stands and walks to the leather couch, sinking into the corner, deflated and distant.
"No, it didn't help you. You think it did but it didn't. That's just another mind fuck of hers that you believe." His eyes meet mine and I'm shocked to see that they're glassy with tears. "I had no idea." He covers his face, again, and leans forward.
I don't know what to do or what to say right now. This is not at all how I expected Elliot to react.
"When exactly?" My head cocks to the side. "When did it first happen?" I remain standing, my hands in my pockets but I walk towards him and tell him everything. From the way she came on to me to the violent introduction to sex to the rewards I'd gain from staying out of trouble. He doesn't interrupt me or move the entire time.
I debate telling him the type of sex I was introduced to, his reaction to her hitting me and then kissing me was telling enough but I can't stop myself. I want to purge this out of me and his openness to listening coupled with the mind blowing fact that he hasn't walked out of here already has me spilling my guts.
When I tell him about the BDSM he slides off the couch onto his knees and cries. Actually cries into his hands. I've seen my brother cry three times in my entire life. When my dads parents died and when we buried our dog when he was twelve years old. But even then he didn't cry like this. My own throat is tight and burning as I watch him.
"Christian, do you realize how fucked up this is? Moms friend, her friend used information about your insecurities and your issues and manipulated you into thinking that she was helping you. She violated you in so many ways and you still are saying she helped you. She didn't help you. Helping you would have been to offer you a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. Helping you would have been keeping you occupied with projects that pushed you forward and built you up. Helping you would have been to encourage you to speak to our parents and to reach out for help. Fuck! She ripped out the work you had done and put this dark shit in its place and strangled your relationships with your family and the entire world in the meantime. Did you never stop to wonder why you were so closed off? Why you were so afraid to let any of us into your life? I always just thought you hated me. Well fuck, now I know!"
I sit on the other end of the couch and rest my face in my hands. "I've never hated you, Elliot." It pains me that he would think that. Is this what my parents feel too? Mia?
"God damn it she isolated you and then systematically removed any outside affection or love from your life so that she was the only one and then she told you how stupid love is. And what did you get from it? Some really great sex and a palace in the sky." His pointer finger shoots up and twirls in the air. "Whoop tee doo."
"When did it end? Is that why she's gunning for Ana? Did Ana take you away? Oh my god, is Ana into this shit?"
"No! She's not into anything. You know that already." He grins then and raises his eyebrows.
"Oh yea, forgot that tidbit. Wow, does she know?" My whole body falls back against the couch.
"Yup, she knows. And she's been saying the same things you're saying." I tell him about the contract, about the confrontation between them at Coping Together and the one in my office.
"Man, if you tell Kate, she'll rip the whore's throat out."
"We are not telling Kate, Elliot. I don't want you telling anyone."
"You've got to tell mom and dad, Christian. I mean for fucks sake moms going to that stupid luncheon with her on Saturday." I shake my head and he stands. "Yes, you're telling them. You can't continue to live like this. You can't tell me something like this and then ask me to sit back and play nice when a pedophile, who molested my baby brother comes over to hang out with my mother!"
He turns and walks towards the door and I stand, terrified that he's going to Bellvue right now.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm telling Kate to catch a ride home with someone else, we're not finished talking here." He leaves the door open and walks out. Within seconds Ana comes in and the air rushes out of my lungs at the sight of her. Without a word she walks over and kneels between my legs, pulling my face against hers.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about what Elena said. I didn't want to hurt you." She shakes her head and kisses me on the nose.
"Later, we can deal with that later. Are you ok, Christian? Do you need anything?"
I grunt out a laugh and kiss her soundly. "You, I need you, that's it."
"You have me. Did you tell him, is that why he's so upset?"
"I told him everything. He's pretty pissed, I'm not sure how this is going to play out or how long it's going to take. Don't wait up for me." In truth, all I want is for her to be waiting for me. I need her like I need my next breath and tonight, I'm drowning.
"I'll be awake." Elliot walks back in then and goes right to the bourbon decanter. He pours three glasses and walks them over.
"Ana. I don't know what to say except thank you and holy shit." He raises his glass to her and shoots it back only to fill it again immediately. After he's had three glasses he walks to her and hugs her tightly and while I don't see any tears, I hear him sniffle into her neck and then turn to fill his glass again.
She kisses me again and shuts the door quietly behind her. "What did you tell Kate?"
He waves dismissively and drinks. "That you got some disturbing news about one of your companies and I needed to help you sort through it. Mia's going to drop her at my house."
"Elliot, I'll talk to mom and dad eventually but right now, it's all I can do to sit here and tell you and I thought you'd be the easy one."
His whole body turns then, legs wide and ready for a fight. "Why?"
"I guess I thought on some level you'd agree with me that while it wasn't the best option, it was still a means to an end."
"An end to what, exactly? Isolation, loneliness, deceit, secrets, what?" Wow, this is definitely not what I expected.
"Being touched. When did you lose your virginity?"
"I was 14. Maggie Wilhelm." He points at me accusatorily. "She was 15 so don't even try to compare the two."
"And how often did you hook up with girls after that?" He laughs and swigs, shaking his head at the memories.
"As often as I could. Man, I probably slept with well over 50 girls by the time I went to college. But they were all my age and it was all consensual. That shit you did with…her? Not only was it illegal but damn it, she was married, Christian!"
I wave him off. Marriage means nothing to a 15 year old. "I was desperate for physical attention. Desperate for it so much that I would start fights with kids at school just so that they'd hit me. I needed to be hit, I needed to be pounded on and to hit back." His hand flies up and stops me.
"NO! You needed to talk to mom and dad and tell them that you were ready to get past your aversion to touch. That's what that was bro, not some psychobabble you've adopted to justify your actions. You were ready to move past it if you were desperate for physical attention but instead of steering you towards love and healing, that bitch turned you towards more violence and more isolation."
The thought had never occurred to me. Had I been ready to move on? Had I been hiding behind my violent beginnings? The question jars me and he pounces.
"You've got to take her down, Christian. She fucked you up royally. She can't get away with this! You never answered me, when did it end?"
"A little over eight years ago. I couldn't fuck her if I had to. And yes, she hates Ana, hates that I'm happy but no, that's not the reason I pulled my backing." I'm not going to involve Elliot into my investigation and thankfully he doesn't ask. Instead he puts the glass on the table and settles back with the bottle, taking swigs straight from the crystal decanter.
"I want to say something, seriously, as your big brother and I don't want you to interrupt me or argue with me. When I'm done you're not going to say a word, you're just going to think about what I have to say and then we're going to get drunk."
"OK." I feel oddly protected and six years old all over again.
"What happened to you as a kid, I don't know the details but I know enough. It was horrific, a tragedy and very very sad but it happened 25 years ago. You were adopted into quite possibly the best family in the world and handed everything you could have ever wanted. You grew up with parents who loved you and invested time into you. You wanted for nothing, you were deprived of nothing. You were given room to grow and explore and damn it if they didn't bust their asses to get you to the best therapists money could buy."
"You had a rough start, so did I. Some people have a great start and a rough ending but it's what happens in the middle that makes you who you are. You are not violent because violence was done to you. You are not unworthy because some shitty asshole made you feel that way when you were a kid. You are not unlovable because your birth mother had a disease."
"What Elena did to you was not helpful and until you see the truth in that, you will always have a sick tie to her. There will always be a part of you that thinks you should defend her and in doing that, you perpetuate the cycle of abuse. And until you tell mom and dad, she will always have some control in your life."
He takes a long pull from the glass and wipes his mouth. He's drunk already.
"Now, you've got to tell them. I won't give you a time limit, that'd be shitty but I will say this. If I ever see Elena fucking Lincoln, I'm going to rip that blond weave off of her head and I'm going to shove it so far down her throat she'll choke on the synthetics."
We stand then and he hands me the bottle. I take a small sip and then reach for my phone to text Taylor to drive him home. His hands land on my shoulders and even though I want to scream and run and pull him off of me I don't.
"C, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't push you harder when you were a kid, I'm sorry that I didn't know this was going on. But mostly I'm sorry that I let you live like this, isolated and distant, for years. You deserve more and fuck if that's not what you're going to get. Marry that girl, get yourselves some babies and embrace the gift of life."
He hugs me then. It's the first time I've hugged Elliot since we were kids and we were forced to say goodnight to each other. Before he can see me I blink the tears away and take another swig. I desperately need to be with Ana now.
He waves me off and enters the elevator with Taylor. "I'll call you in the morning. Well, if I can get out of bed."
APOV
Kate eyes me warily when I leave the office but she gets her purse and wrap without question. When we get to the elevator to wait for Mia and Ethan she turns and looks at me.
"Is he alright?"
"He'll be fine." And I truly believe that he will be. The mere fact that he's telling Elliot is so huge that I feel numbed by it.
"Hey, about what that bitch said, he probably didn't tell you because he didn't see the point. Truthfully, outside of hurting your feelings and making you feel self-conscious, there is no point." My eyebrows shoot up. She had given me the full run down after dinner and I wasn't pissed so much as embarrassed. I'm terrified that his parents think I'm after him for his money now.
"I know, I just hate being the last to know."
"Go easy on him, Steele, something's brewing in there."
Back in the bedroom I try to occupy myself by getting ready for bed and then by packing for my overnight at Rays. I'll be leaving from the office, in my own car for once. Christian's flight leaves at six in the morning. I was hoping that he'd be able to get some good sleep in before he had to leave but since it's already midnight, I don't know how that's possible.
As if he knew I was thinking about him he walks in purposefully, shuts the door behind him without looking and walks to me, lifting me and carrying me to the bed. Instead of trying to have sex though, he puts his head in my lap and closes his eyes.
"He's not mad at me." It's a revelation to him but the fear lingers.
"Of course he's not. You were a victim. When you come to grips with that, then you can stop being mad at yourself too." He looks up bewildered.
"You think I'm mad at myself?" Softly I begin to stroke his hair and the line of his jaw, smoothing over his eyebrows and his cheekbones.
"Yes, I do. I think you always knew it was wrong but at 15 the pull was too strong just as she knew it would be. I think you're angry because you feel used on some level, I think you're angry because you feel like you betrayed your parents, and I think you're angry because deep down you care about those women you had under contract and you wonder if they were victims as well."
"I can't hide from you. You just cut through all the fluff and force me to see things in a different light. I hate it and I love it." He turns then and buries his head into my abdomen. "I'm so tired." Is all he says and I wonder if he means in the physical or in the emotional.
"Sleep then, Christian." He rolls and stands, walking to the bathroom and stripping along the way. I hear the water and the sound of his electric toothbrush. When he comes back out, wearing only his boxer briefs and a smile I sit up on my knees for a better look. The man is beautiful.
"Like what you see, Ms. Steele?" He climbs in on all fours and crawls to me, barely scraping his teeth over my jaw and neck. Desire churns in my womb but I deny it, tonight has been too emotional.
"You should get some sleep, you have to be up in less than four hours to get to SeaTac on time." His tongue comes out and flicks at my lips, short little licks that tickle.
"I own the plane, baby. It won't leave without me. Besides, four hours is plenty of time." He sits and lifts the t-shirt over my head, lifting me by my legs so that I flop down under him. "If you think that I'm going to go away from you and not bury myself inside of you before I leave, you don't know me at all."
"Christian," I pull back and make him look at me. "Do you want to talk about what happened? I want to be what you need right now, that was a huge step you took tonight." His face drops to my chest and licks my sternum up to my neck, over my chin and into my mouth. "I'm proud of you."
"Mmmm. Stop talking. I don't want to talk anymore, I want to make love to you." I hate that he can't hear positive things about himself. I'd continue to argue but his hands are beneath me, lifting me so that he can slide off my panties. "Always so ready for me, Ana. I like that. A lot."
I want to talk with him and hear what it is he told Elliot and how it all went down. I want to know his reasons for not telling me about what Elena said and ask him how he felt having Ethan and Jose here tonight. But I can't speak, his tongue is invading my mouth as if he knows if he stops I'll force him to talk. With the same intensity of his kiss his fingers ready me, spreading around the moisture that he pulls out of me so quickly.
When he comes up for air I push his chest gently, pulling his fingers from me. He looks crestfallen, confused and hurt. "I want to love you tonight, Christian. Let me make love to you." He hesitates but moves in response to my sitting up. Once he's lying down I run my hands all over him, reveling in the feel of his strong muscles and the maleness of his body. I don't take him in my mouth, instead I wrap my hand around him and stroke him until his body is covered in a sheen of sweat.
His stomach and chest rise and fall in rapid succession and his hips pump upwards with each breath that puffs out of his open mouth. Watching him like this does something to me. Liquid heat flows from me even though he's not touching me, the clenching inside unbearable as my body looks to be filled by him.
"I'm close, baby." His words grit out as he arches his neck, the tendons stretching with the tension. I stop moving but don't let him go and only when his breathing slows down do I sink down on him. The pleasure is intense and immediate. "Fuuuuuuuuck."
I stay still but clench and release around him over and over watching as his breathing becomes heavy and quick again. I feel powerful, with the tightening of one set of muscles I have this alpha man underneath me all but begging for mercy. It's a heady feeling to finally come to grips with your own sexuality.
With a slight grind of my hips he groans and grabs my upper thighs, gripping them hard enough to hurt. "I'm so close." Another grind, another groan and those same fingers dig into my skin. I want the bruises tomorrow, I want to look down in his absence and see a reminder of where he's been.
"This, Ana. This. You asked what I needed and this is it. You, wanting me, needing me, with me. I just need you." He groans and exhales sharply when I come down on him. "I want you to believe that." I slide up and lean forward so that only his tip is in when I speak directly into his ear.
"I do believe that." My body slides down slowly as the words come out. "I know that. I trust you, Christian." His hands grip impossibly tighter as does his jaw but he can't hold out. I feel his legs start to shake and move down and up, over and over as he fills me with his semen and grunts in my ear.
When he's finished he pushes me up, still inside and pinches my nipple with one hand. It's harsh and painful but it feels so good when he presses his thumb against the pulsating nerves at the top of my slit.
"We're not finished till you're finished. Now come for me, Ana." He doesn't move his hands, he just presses harder and pinches harder and the pain mixed with the pleasure shoots me off into an explosion that has me seeing stars behind my closed lids. Over and over the waves come until I collapse onto him, exhausted and jelly like. His arms wrap around me and tangle in my hair, the feel of his beating heart lulling me to sleep and pulling me into the darkness.