Ok. So it's 3:40. All anyone's thinking about is going home. In ten minutes - Make that nine. At the top of the classroom, Ms. Brown, our religion teacher, is rocking on her tiptoes, and off them then waiting a for an answer of her question.
"What is heaven to you?"
We're seventeen years old. We aren't going to answer a question like that, it's.. stupid. I scan the small classroom, tired and bored sums up everyone. Including me. But then, a voice. It's Amber.
"My idea of heaven," she says, looking deeply at my other friend Tara beside her. "Is someone who doesn't forget to return texts."
Uh-oh.
"Yes, Amber. Good." Ms. Brown smiles, not getting Amber's point. "Someone who returns text messages," She looks around, "Anyone else?"
Allo Delaney's hand goes up. Allo fakes ADHD to get out of work, so him paying attention is a total novelty.
"My idea of heaven," Allo says, "Is La Push beach, the first one of course, a couple of the boys, on a warm night and oh! Audrey Haley in a bikini." This of course, is directed at Audrey Haley, the girl two seats in front of me.
Who's already snapping back. "You're sick, Delaney."
And suddenly it doesn't matter we're minutes away from freedom.
"Family time." Lucy Breen smiles. I know I shouldn't be mad at Lucy Breen for mentioning 'family' time because she doesn't know about my home life but I am. I glare at her from across the class.
"Forehead kisses," Anna Davies says about John Kiely. John looks away red faced.
"When your Mom unblock ESPN off the TV." Quil jokes from beside me, his arm wrapped around me.
"All right. All right." Ms. Brown holds up her hands. "Some interesting examples of your own heaven. It's good you guy's have inputs." she places her hands neatly together, like a nun. "And it's also good because you have a six page essay on this due for your end of year exam."
A groan fills the class. She is Buzz Lightyear, who thought he was a superhero but in reality was just a toy. She think she gets us, but she so doesn't. If she hadn't interrupted, than maybe for once we would've had a good chat. I check the clock, four minutes, maybe if we're good she'll let us go.
"Heaven is," A voice from the very back of the classroom that hadn't spoke in this class since we'd first had it last year, speaks. Embry Call musters up the courage to take the attention away from everyone else and plant it on himself. He'd gone from messer who lived in Detention to a quiet loner in the background after joining Sam Uleys clique. "Riding your surfboard in the winter with one of your best friends, huh Quil?"
It's like someone had dropped a huge silencer on the class. No one spoke, not one person, not even Ms. Brown. Everyone knew what had happened between the two boys, and Jake last year in school. Everyone came up with theories of why Jake and Embry ditched Quil. None of which were true, but then again Quil didn't even know why they ditched him.
I felt like saying something. I felt like going on the attack and just turning around and saying something to Embry like, 'how dare you?' because how dare he? It had been months and he hadn't even bothered calling Quil, or saying happy birthday when Quil turned seventeen. Embry had been mute on every topic Quil had came under heat for, within the school and outside school.
To me, Embry was a huge asshole. I know Quil was hopeful for him, and kept thinking of him the way he had been when he'd been friends with Quil, a nice, funny guy who was loyal to his friends and I didn't have the heart to tell Quil any different so I kept quiet. Until now.
I wouldn't let Embry even try string along Quil for some type of 'joke'. I stood up turning around glaring at Embry, as much as I knew Quil would probably hate me for 'embarrassing' him in class but I had to do this. I opened my mouth prepared to go fully berzerk at Embry even though everyone would say I was going crazy at him because maybe I was 'unstable', after a week ago in the canteen with the incident with Luca and Embry (once again), I'm sure everyone would decide that is what I was: unstable.
The moment is cut short by the bell ringing and even though Ms. Brown is asking me to stop moving, I leave the class. I decide it's best because if I don't I'm not sure I would leave that class without murdering Embry.
Before even getting to my locker, I notice Quil following my lead. Meeting me at my locker was like a tradition that started when Quil and I first got together. It was always straight after school finished, Quil would come and greet me at my locker even if we'd leave class separately or we'd be fighting. We'd always leave school together. His locker was beside mine, but Quil rarely brought home books - he always used mine.
"Are you okay?" I ask, concerned. "It wasn't nice what Embry did back there."
Quil leans on his locker beside mine, his face sad. Quil and I had been together three years this week, it was scary. I had been through everything with Quil, accidently or not, I loved him for the fact through thick and thin he had stayed with me. "I'm fine," He says meekly, "Embry's just being Embry - but a bigger ass."
When on the hard nights after Dad had disappeared, I'd break it off with him, telling him I was unlovable and I couldn't return the mass amount of love he gave to me, the next day he'd still hold me tight, telling me he needed me more than I needed him and I don't believe that for one bit. I had no one except Quil.
And then I'd rather die than ever talk to Amber about anything like that. She was so caring, she always was asking the daunting 'are you OK?' question. Even though she was my best friend, I tried to avoid her like the plague. It had been partly my fault we'd lost contact during what happened with Dad, I just couldn't handle losing someone else so pushing people away seemed easier.. weirdly.
Back to Quil; I never really talked to him about my deepest fears, or my mum. Quil was awkward, it didn't stop him being an amazing boyfriend. Even, now when it seemed like everyone was asking the same uncomfortable question: "Have you guys done it?"
The answer was quick and clean. 'No,' I'd mutter quickly as Quil would blush awkwardly.
But now, we were both turning eighteen soon, and our anniversary was days away. I felt like that answer would soon change. I blushed to myself as Quil turned to his own locker and started taking books for homework (which surprised me). "Are you free tomorrow night?"
Quil glances at me then shrugs. "Think so. Why?"
"My Mom's staying at Sue's." I say quickly. "I've a free house and I was just wondering if you'd want to stay at mine.."
"The night?" Quil is stunned. "The whole night?"
"Yeah." I hum awkwardly. "It's our anniversary in a week, but I just feel like.. I don't want to necessarily wait."
I'm not sure if he's wondering what I mean by wait, like what do you not want to wait for? Or if he's in shock I'd even talk about to him. Quil and I had done stuff, and he'd always been 100 percent too excited every time we'd do stuff, so I was worried maybe he was going into cardiac arrest or something.
"Are you sure?" Quil asks, seriously. "Are you really sure?"
"I mean, yeah.. Why wouldn't I be?" I frown.
"It's just we've never talked about it. I assumed you were a 'save-it-till-marriage' kinda girl - not that doing it now is bad! I just want to make sure you're happy to do it. Are you?"
It made me almost recant my statement. Did I look that prudish? We'd done stuff before, why would he think I'm a 'save-it-till-marriage' kinda girl? I frowned for a second before smiling again. "Quil, I'm absolutely sure. I'm confident I want this."
Quil's grin was picture-perfect. I wanted to kiss him, just take him into my hands and kiss him, but the moment had obviously made Quil hyper because he'd held my hand tightly pulling me toward the exit giving me seconds to slam my locker shut before my boyfriend had yanked my arm.
Pulling me outside the high school, I was shocked to feel his lips against mine while the rest of the high school cleared out toward there cars. Numerous wolf-whistles were done by the football team who Quil was friends with making my cheeks go a rosy red, I was embarrassed but I really didn't care. Quil made me feel 100 percent amazing, and I wasn't sure what could change that.
Was it meant to feel this tense? Was I meant to feel awkward and insecure as he lay next to me? Maybe I was, I mean Quil had never seen me fully naked, especially sweaty like this, or my hair messy. Maybe to him it hadn't been good? Maybe that's why he wasn't smiling, maybe that's why he was quietly staring at my ceiling his fists clenched as he looked everywhere but me.
I don't know why but it made me want to start crying. We'd just done it, and maybe it wasn't supposed to be that good the first time - I'd heard that from numerous girl magazines and the internet but wasn't that for the girl? Didn't guy's just enjoy it thoroughly? It had been approximately ten minutes since, I'd been looking at the clock ever since waiting for him to say something, anything just to break this awful silence.
I waited another minute as the silence seemed to get more tense, and more awkward.
Another minute, and Quil wasn't even looking at the ceiling anymore. He'd stood up quickly pulling on his boxers and then his jeans, without making eye contact he pulled on his t-shirt.
"Quil?" I mumbled, quietly wondering what had gotten into him.
Quil turns suddenly, he looks angry as if something had set him off. "I think this was a mistake."
"What?" I ask, my face turning a bright red as he confirmed my fears; he didn't like it.
"This. We should haven't of rushed it. It was obvious you weren't ready, Heidi."
"What does that mean, Quil?" I ask, pulling my night t-shirt from the floor and pulling it over me as I stood up. It was getting heated, and it wasn't just because he'd offended me but Quil's face just spelt the words annoyed across his forehead.
"It means that you weren't into it, or you weren't into me.. Which one.. Hmm. I wonder."
"What are you even implying? That I don't like you?"
"I wouldn't doubt it with you, Heidi. I wouldn't doubt it at all. I mean, I see how you just look at the guys - even when I'm there." Quil is saying anything to keep the truth at bay. He's pulling out every card, he had started doing this as soon as Embry and Jake left him. He used it to try confirm his fear that soon everyone would leave him.
"Oh my god. Can you actually stop? Stop trying to stir everything, Quil! Not when I literally just lost my virginity, can we not keep this a happy memory?"
"How is this a happy memory?" Quil then shouts. "You were laying there like you wanted to be somewhere else, Heidi! As if I wasn't good enough for you."
"Clearly not! It was perfect, Quil!" I say, folding my arms giving Quil a look.
"Really?" He says and I know something hurtful going to come. He's not going to mean it, and he'll apologize in school on Monday and 'make it up to me' because either he'll feel guilty or his Mom and Grandma would of given out to him for speaking to me like that. "Cause it was shit to me, Heidi."
And with that, Quil leaves my bedroom, slamming the door shut on the way out, leaving me sobbing.