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Chapter 7- Bloodied hand's
She could feel herself go cold this is it, she'd been waiting for this, for something to go wrong for her to lose him just like she had her mum, it would be sudden and they'd be nothing she'd be able to do about it and like she did so many years ago she'd just have to wait for is body to grow cold, her mind continued to drift back to the night her mother was murdered by the two masked men until she was pulled out by Chib's voice 'your dad got into a little accident lass, got hit with a bullet' Chibs announced, instantly Emery took off to get the medical kit and blankets, whilst there she fought to keep the hurt and scared look off her face though she knew everyone had just seen her lapse into her weakness even the new prospects had noticed. Coming back into the room her dad was sprawled out onto a table, rushing over she took Chibs place putting pressure on her father's thigh whilst Chibs rifled through the medical bag. Chibs had previously been a medic in the army and had some knowledge, he had taught Emery as much as he'd known, after all two people being medically capable were better than one. 'You're an idiot!' she shouted at her dad 'what were you thinking?' she demanded
'first things first Angel, please can I have a drink and secondly can't we talk about this later?' he pleaded, it crushed him seeing the terrified expression which etched his daughters face whenever he came home bloodied, or even one of the other members. 'Jax, get him some whisky please, Juice pass me that antibacterial wash' she called out as Jax looking slightly startled nodded rushing of to get what was needed, she couldn't help but notice he looked like he'd seen a ghost or that he was gonna be sick, she'd be sure to talk to him about it later but right now she had to help her father. Trying to keep herself calm she took deep breaths and peeled away the towel she was trying to stop the bleeding with, she bit her lip as she took a closer look, 'I don't think you've done a massive amount of damage, I don't think you've hit an artery' she shook her head placing the cloth back on and taking a deep breath. The others crowded round as Chibs came over with things to stich the wound with and an injection she knew would be morphine.
'okay lass, I'm gonna let you do this, you could use the practice and I don't have my glasses on me' he handed her the stuff, 'I'll help you out but you can take control' she looked at him shocked
'what, No!, Chibby I can't I mean I don't even know where to start, I've never done anything like this, not even practiced it Chibs please!' she replied her nervousness reappearing as Donna and April came running in, she felt a warm hand on her shoulder and turned to find Ryan looking down at her, god he was tall she thought, then instantly felt bad for getting distracted 'you can do this' he encouraged
'you don't even know me, how do you know what I can and can't do?' she bit back not meaning to sound so rude
'because I know Chibs, and he wouldn't trust you to do it if he didn't think you could' he replied she looked to Chibs as he nodded his head, taking a deep breath to steady herself she let Chibs put pressure on the wound as she put some gloves on 'okay', she breathed slightly high pitched 'I got this' she gave a quick look to Opie and Jax who nodded to her. She wanted to become a nurse it was her ambition though she hated that fact it was something her and Tara had in common, she was passionate about being able to save people which sounded kind of stupid since she was a apart of Samcro but it would help them all since them coming home injured, albeit not always with gunshot wounds was common.
After she'd soaked the wound with the cleanser, not too gently as her dad screamed in protest, claiming she was doing it on purpose which she simply gave him a false smile and stating in a small voice that it would teach him a lesson, she'd injected the morphine and began stitching him up, finally letting her nerves die down as she knew everything was gonna be okay. 'don't think were not gonna talk about this pop's' she muttered as her dad rolled his eyes at her, sedated slightly by the beer he held in his hand which was now his fourth if she was counting properly.
'okay, I need a shot, then I'm gonna go get ready for this party' Emery announced as she peeled the gloves off, although her hands underneath remained bloodied from putting pressure on the wound, she could she Gemma smiling at her, as Chibs patted her on the back, 'see lass I told you you'd be fine' he spoke softly to her 'you did a grand job' making her way to her bedroom she got collective pats on the back from the members and Ryan just gave her a smile as she walked past, inside she couldn't help but feel I little triumphant that she'd impressed him. Once her and the girls finally made it into her bedroom April was the first to pull her into a hug, she noticed how Emery didn't return the embraced and pulled back to look at her with an eyebrow raised, 'sorry I didn't wanna get blood on you' she muttered looking at her hands and her clothes which were coated in her father's blood, she excused herself making her way to the bathroom, though she didn't miss the sympathetic looks April and Donna shared as they watched her walk away.
Standing in the shower she let the hot water run over her, as she let the tears she'd been holding back fall, she could have lost her dad today, she could lose any one member of her family at any point, though she'd never show her family this weakness, she didn't want them to think she couldn't handle this, she didn't want to be sheltered and every time she thought about tonight all she could see was the looks that Donna and April had shared, so standing there in the shower she let the last of her tears fall and vowed she would never let anyone, not Donna, not April and especially not the members of the club see her so unsettled or weak ever again.
April had just finished curling her hair when her best friend came out of the bathroom in her towel her wet hair curling down her back, the first thing she noticed was that she was smiling, 'so girls, think you guys can help me get ready or I'm never gonna be done in time?' she asked, all traces of the sadness she wore across her face vanished. April knew her friend thought that by her showing her emotion like she had meant she was weak but the truth was she thought Emery was by far the strongest person she knew, day in day out she faced the shit that Rita threw at her, she dealt with the people she loved going out doing things she wasn't entirely sure she wanted to know, not knowing if they were coming back safe. April knew more than she should about the club her father was the clubs lawyer, Tig and Clay had met Richard after one of the girls many play dates some years ago. Though her father never told her any club business Emery confided in her often enough for her to get the jist of what the club was about, but she never saw them as being bad people. Knowing her friend obviously didn't want to talk about her moment of weakness she put on the biggest smile she could and replied cheerfully to her friend, 'sure, I can do your hair whilst you do your make-up and Donna can pick out an outfit for you but only on one condition' Donna and April shared a look Emery knew meant they were curious, 'name it' Emery replied with a broad smile, 'you have to tell us about Juice and Ryan, especially Ryan' she practically hummed to her.
The party was in full swing, Emery could feel the alcohol making her feel light as her and the girls played darts, Emery hitting her mark every time even in her intoxicated state whilst Donna and April kept trying, April was in second place with Donna loosing though no-one was keeping count. Absorbed in their conversation and jibes the girls didn't notice the two prospect's approach, 'well you scrub up well' Ryan nudge Emery, hoping her blush wasn't too obvious she kept her gaze on what she was hoping to be neutral she smiled a little replying ' hey those were my comfy clothes, no judging'
'well guess I better get used to seeing you in your comfies then, since me and juicy will be living here' he winked at her,
'you mean your living here at the clubhouse permanently?' now curious of the two newbies
'yeah, I mean Clays making us enroll into our final year at the high school' he rolled his eyes at her 'we don't really have any family, grew up in foster care but, I guess we were too badass for people to handle' he smirked at her, she couldn't help but notice he didn't even flinch when he told her about the fact he was brought up in care though she was certain he'd seen the sympathy in her eyes.
'so your about the same age as Jax and Opie then?' she replied lightly trying to change the subject
As the night went on her and Ryan stayed in conversation, one of them occasionally getting up to get the beers, as Donna had drifted to Jax and Opie's table and Juice and April were doing shots at the bar, Jax couldn't help but watch the interaction between Red and the new kid, she kept smiling at the things he was saying to her, did she like him?, did this mean he was gonna loose her? No she wouldn't ever do that, that wasn't what she was like, beside she hadn't left him once he and Tara had started hooking up and she got a seriously hard time off Tara.
He'd spent the night just sat drinking he could feel the alcohol flowing through him, numbing him, being numb was good it was what he needed tonight, his thoughts kept trailing back to the job and how it had gone sideways fast, what was supposed to be an easy job, just a talk with Darby and the Nord's, telling him to keep his crank out of Charming, that's all it was supposed to be. He hadn't anticipated three or four people coming out of the back room guns firing, aiming for whichever son they could, Happy had pushed him down behind a table as they flipped it onto its side for cover, he'd seen Tig running and saw one of the Nords take aim at him as he ran, almost instinctively he squeezed the trigger to his own gun, shooting the rival crew member straight in the head. He never killed before and he didn't know how to handle the guilt?, Jax didn't feel guilt for a lot of things, he never felt guilt for any of the times he'd kicked the shit out of anyone provoked or not, he didn't even give a shit about how he'd treated the crow eaters before he'd got into a relationship with Tara, but tonight he couldn't get that damn Nord's face out of his mind. He wanted to talk to Emery about it she was his calm, but would she look at him like he was a monster? Or would she comfort him and tell him it was okay? He'd never felt so conflicted before, he couldn't lose her though, that would crush him he could never lose his little Red.
Emery left Ryan's side to catch up with the girls having to help a staggering April into the seat at the table, the girl had obviously met her match in Juice when it came to shots, Emery couldn't believe how long her and Ryan had been sat talking together, they talked about nothing of real importance, they just discussed the sons, he'd asked what the relationships were between Jax, Opie and herself , and they'd shared some funny childhood memories, his mainly being about times that he and Juice had annoyed the shit out of people or how they'd placed bets to see who could do the worst thing to get kicked out of their foster homes, she found his honesty and forthcoming quite refreshing, she couldn't help but think that maybe she would start enjoying the Samcro parties a little more with him around.
As Donna, April and Emery sat around their table laughing and joking Emery couldn't help but unconsciously throw glances in Ryan's direction in fact truth be told she hadn't even noticed she was doing it until Donna spoke up 'so what with you and Ryan?' she asked innocently
'what do you mean?, I just met the guy, I'm curious' she replied trying to sound honest
'well he's definitely hot that's for sure' April winked at her 'I mean I don't think anyone could blame you if you had the hots for him' she wiggled her eyebrows at her,
'I do not have the hots for him' she defended herself
'course not because you haven't been keeping an eye on him for the last two and a half hours' Donna chimed
'okay so maybe he's a little hot' Emery admitted in what was practically a whisper
'just a little ay, and here was me thinking there wasn't possibly a darker shade of red you could turn every time you talk to him' April said coolly a she mock inspected her nails
'its that obvious' Emery groaned as she dropped her head into her folded arms at the table as the girls all laughed at her
Sometime later on into the night as people began passing out and crow eater's lay across many of the sons in various stages of dress, Emery and Donna practically carried April to bed since she'd passed out at the table as the girls had continued drinking, chatting and giggling, afterwards Donna had retreated to Opies bedroom as Emery continued her search for Jax after not seeing him for hours and remembering how he'd looked earlier, she knew she wanted to speak to him, but trying to find him whilst in a slightly intoxicated state was proving quite difficult, not having any luck finding him outside by the picnic benches or in his bedroom she decided to go to the one place that was theirs, the only place that only her, Opie and Jax ever went, the roof.
Sitting in the cold air felt good, he took a deep drag of his cigarette inhaling deeply, he just couldn't get that man's face out of his mind, and he wasn't so sure what it was that scared him most, was it the fact that he'd easily pulled that trigger which ended another person's life or was it that although he felt guilt for what he'd done, the thing that was haunting him most about it was that he was terrified about what Emery's reaction would be to what he had done, did that make him a terrible person? Would she hate him? Although she was brought up in this life and she had some basic understanding about what went on, she was always the one with the conscious, she pretty much carried around the guilt the members of the club should carry, she tried to relieve them of their burdens, he couldn't do that to her, he wouldn't let her try to carry his guilt, this was completely on him and truth be told he could handle it, he'd been somewhat prepared for it, he could get through this if it meant that she still cared about him, that she would forgive him. He sat on the rooftop sipping from a large bottle of Jack Daniels deep in thought, when a noise caused him to turn.
The breeze was the first thing to hit her when she opened the hatch leading to the rooftop and lone and behold there sat the one and only Jax Teller, though looking at him she couldn't help but think that right in that moment, in the glimpse she got of him before he plastered on his fake smile which she knew he thought she didn't see through, he didn't look like her Jax, He looked older and haunted, what could possibly have happened in the space of those few hours they'd spent apart to make him change from his usually chirpy self into this stranger she didn't quite recognise in front of her. Giving him a smile she hoped didn't scream 'I know your hiding something from me', she made her way towards him taking a seat close to him in an attempt to claim some of his body heat. She reached over taking the bottle and taking a large gulp from it relishing in the stream of heat it left in its wake as it travelled down her throat, all the while Jax was studying her closely as she handed him back the bottle.
'so we gonna talk about whats up with you?' she asked cautiously,
'nothings up, im good, just wanted some air' his husky voiced drawled
'come on Jackson, don't play me for a fool' she looked up at him 'I know you, remember, I saw your face when you came in with the others earlier, and I know that you being up here spending some alone time with good ol Jack over here, when there's a party going on downstairs ain't exactly normal Jax Teller behaviour you know' she spoke as she nudged him causing him to give her a small smile she knew was half hearted.
'look, Em your better off just leaving this, it's not exactly a conversation I'm dying to have with you' he looked down at his hands as he spoke
Gently placing her hand over his he looked across at her, 'what happened Jax?, something obviously happened on that job, just talk to me' she pleaded. Taking a deep breath and nodding his head he tried to look ahead instead of facing her but he couldn't tear himself away from her innocent grey eyes, as much as he didn't want to see what her reaction to the news was going to be, he had to see, he had to know, because not knowing what her initial reaction was would eat him up for god knows how long.
'okay, well we went on the run, had to have a conversation with Darby, he's been selling crank in charming' he took another deep breath 'during the conversation some nord's came running out guns blazing, just, just firing at us, all of us' she had some idea of where this was going, what she didn't understand was why he seemed so unsettled by it all, Jax never showed remorse for anything not even beating up some ass who had annoyed him but hadn't really done anything wrong, never, however she just nodded to him spurring him to continue,
'me and Hap got behind a table but I saw one of them aiming for your old man, and I just aimed and' he hesitated so she squeezed his hand as a sign of comfort, she just wanted to be put out of her misery, the cold air beginning to sober her up,
'then I just fired, man I killed him Emery… today I killed him' he stopped just staring at her waiting expectantly, though what he was expecting to find in her expression she wasn't sure
'you and I have both always known that things happen behind the closed doors of the club Jackson' she started as he continued to gaze at her, 'and we both knew the club wasn't squeaky clean, and im not saying that its right to kill people, because my moral compass just can't accept that' at saying this Jax turned his face away from her, catching a glimpse of his expression as he turned away from her she could see the hurt he was trying to stop her from seeing if there's one thing Jackson Teller hated more than anyone harming or threatening his club, his family, it was being weak, showing weakness to anyone, although he would show more to Emery than anyone, he would never even show her the hurt she now saw spread across his face. Leaving her one hand covering his she grasped his chin softly with the other turning his face back around to face her, then moved her hand up to his cheek 'but, you saved my dad's life today Jax' she spoke softly to him 'I don't see you any differently than I did when you left me at school hours ago, the way I see it you were protecting your family and thanks to you my dad took a bullet to the leg and not the chest, thanks to you my dad came home to me, my whole family came home to me' she continued 'an truth be told, if it ever comes to it being you or one of our enemies, I choose you and my family coming home every time' she could feel all the tension leave him as she finished her words, silently she leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on his cheek 'I will always need you to come home, to come back to me, okay' he just nodded to her as she snuggled in closer to him and they began sharing the bottle between them.
'oh by the way, Aprils passed out starfishing my bed, so mind if I share with you?' she looked up at him laughing, he couldn't help but laugh, that was April all right, she seemed like the classier of the three friends at first sight but get to know her and soon enough you'd find out she was as common as the rest, with no real sense of shame.
'sure thing Red' he nudged her playfully.
He couldn't help the feeling that spread through him at her words, she needed him to come home she always wanted him to come home, and for her he would do everything in his power to always make sure that happened, he could live with the guilt, he would live with the guilt, because as much as he hadn't wanted to, by sharing this moment with his Red he'd felt some of that guilt lifted and he knew that she now would carry part of his burden with him and for that he truly loved her….wait love, as a friend right?