APOV
"I think he's ok, he didn't say much last night once they left. He just came in and kind of crashed." My shoulders shrug, a casual move that betrays the extreme anxiety I feel right now. Christian did come and crash but he also laid awake for hours, staring at the ceiling with his hands folded over his chest. Each time I'd wake he'd smile and shush me back to sleep, repeating that he was fine. Finally this morning, once the sun started to rise did I wake to find him actually sleeping.
Elliot falls back onto the couch and tugs at his hair, blowing out a held breath. "I can't imagine how my parents are right now. This fucking sucks all around." His body shoots forward until he's sitting on the edge with his face balanced in his hands. "I hate that cunt." He looks up, "Sorry."
"That's one of the kinder words I've used to describe her. Your mom was supposed to have her hair done and have lunch with her today." His eyes widen before he scrubs his hands over his face as if to rid himself of the vision.
"I'm sure she's cancelled. Knowing my mom she's four bags deep in Oreo's and my dad is drunk on expensive scotch talking about his years as a paralegal for the Reagan Administration. Should I call them?" Before I can answer he stands and takes out his phone. "I'm going to call them."
"Elliot, it's 7:20 in the morning. Drink your coffee, have a bagel and try to relax."
"I need to run."
"Then go, I'll have Christian call you when he gets up and he can meet you." His body falls back onto the couch, head back in his hand.
"No, I'll wait for him. Tell me about your business, I know jack shit about it but Kate goes on and on and on about how amazing you are. Amaze me." I can't help but laugh at him, he's a teenage boy in a man's body.
Nearly two hours later we've drunk six coffees between the two of us and I've baked blueberry scones to keep busy. Christian shuffles out into the kitchen just as I take them out of the oven and looks from me to Elliot, jealousy marring his sleep perfect face.
"When the fuck did you get here?" To Elliot's credit he doesn't react, he just rinses his mug and leans back on the counter, crossing his arms and kicking his foot in front of the other.
"Two and a half hours ago. We thought it best that you slept but if you're ready and you're up for it, we can go for a run or work out downstairs." Christian swings his gaze to me when I hand him a coffee and kiss his stubbled cheek.
"Ana? If we work out downstairs would you want to come? You've never been in that part of the building." My heart could burst with pained love. He wants me with him.
"I can do that or we can all go for a run. I don't know how far you go but I can do six miles at a good pace." He grins and takes a sip.
"I'd love to see that but I think I'd rather do that when Taylor and Sawyer can go with us in case you can't keep up."
"Oh really, Mr. Grey. Is that a challenge?" I'm not stupid enough to think I can keep up with him but there is no way I'm backing down. Elliot answers me, pushing himself from the counter and grabbing the butter from the fridge.
"He's not challenging you, he's challenging me. Last time we went for a run he insisted he does 14 miles daily." He points at Christian who's busy tearing into a hot scone and points his finger. "I still call bull shit on that one."
"Hey, just because you can't say no to dessert doesn't mean I need to alter my workout for you."
"The flu dipshit! I had the fucking flu!" Christian laughs and then chokes when Elliot hugs him quickly, patting his back twice before laughing and sitting to butter his scone.
"Told you I'd do that every time." We eat in silence, I suck at baking and the scones are a pretty good example of that so I'm not surprised when we only have one each before heading down to the gym. Christian has called Taylor who has alerted the buildings staff who in turn have locked the doors to all but our party of three. Elliot is unfazed but I feel bad for the people who were trying to work on a Sunday morning.
The two of them head right for the bench, Christian lying down while Elliot spears weights onto the bar. I find the closest treadmill and run, intent on giving them their privacy while still being within eye sight of my very fragile man. I've got Michael Jacksons 'Pretty Young Thing' blaring on my headphones to drown out their conversation but from all appearances it looks pretty emotionless.
I'm not going to lie, heart shattering revelations aside, the Grey brothers working out is probably the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. Their bodies are ripped and strong, each muscle defined and cut to perfection. They're both in white tanks and basketball shorts but the fabric does little to hide the pure masculinity on display. Where Christian is lean and lithe, Elliot is bulky and rigid.
I literally cannot take my eyes off of Christian. I've seen him naked many times now but I've never seen him work out and it's as much a turn on as watching him fuck. Sweat glistens on his arms as he lifts free weights with Elliot, debating the merits of the new first basemen on the Mariners. His arms are huge, his biceps turning into hard balls of muscles with each rise of the weight. The veins in his arms are pronounced, a light sheen of sweat covering him from head to toe.
I've run four miles and haven't even noticed I'm so engrossed in watching him workout. He looks at me every few minutes, smiling at me when he catches my eye but he doesn't stop. Instead he and Elliot push each other to lift more, punch harder and jump faster. When he starts on the jump rope my mind goes into overdrive. I need to get rid of Elliot, and now.
His calves flex and stretch with each rotation of the rope, over and over, faster and faster. Not one time do he and Elliot stop talking, it's as if the last hour of constant cardio and weights hasn't affected them at all. When he finally walks over and asks if I'm ready to go, I hop off and hit end, shocked that I ran almost seven miles. Christian raises his eyebrows at me and kisses my temple, handing me a white towel with 'Escala' monogramed on it.
"Maybe you could keep up with us. Definitely with Elliot." Elliot rolls his eyes and grabs a towel, walking to the stand alone cooler while I wrap up my head phones.
"You smell good." He grunts and laughs, smacking my ass when turn to walk. "What? You do!"
"Ana, I smell like a barn yard animal in the summer." His head cocks to the side and he grins, looking around to see where Elliot went. "You're serious?"
"Mmmhmm. You smell like a man." He gives me a chuckle and wraps a sweaty arm around my shoulders, leading me to the elevator where Elliot is waiting with three bottles of cold water. The ride up is quiet and I act disappointed when Elliot announces that he'll meet us at Americana at noon. That gives us 45 minutes, plenty of time.
"Shower?" My belly clenches with anticipation and desire, the blood in my body heating to the boiling point. I don't answer, I just pull him along, stopping only when we get into the bathroom. He takes off his tank before I can say anything but I stop him before he can take down his shorts.
"Let me." My hands wander from his shoulders to his waistband, tracing the outline of his abdominal muscles and back up to his pecs, scratching over the patch of hair in the middle before circling his nipples with my thumbs. "You are so sexy, Christian." When I palm him over his shorts he groans and lifts my tank and sports bra in one smooth motion, cupping my breasts and grabbing them roughly enough to pull me forward.
Before he can take control I drop to my knees and pull the shorts down, smiling when he falls heavily into my hand, hard and hot. "Baby, you sure you want to do that right" but he stops talking when I suck him in on a sigh, pulling him as deeply as I can into my mouth. "Fuuuuck." His head drops back, his hands lightly holding the sides of my head as I bob back and forth.
I am so turned on I feel drunk. Watching him sweat and being able to see his brute strength in the gym only to have the essence of his masculinity in my mouth has me so close to the edge it's dizzying. I'm not the only one either because after just one minute he lifts me up and pushes my shorts down, walking backwards into the shower and sitting on the stone bench.
"Fuck me, baby." His hands lift me by my waist and I straddle him, sliding down on his cock just as he thrusts his hips upwards.
"Ah!" The immediate fullness is exactly what I need and it only takes me a few seconds to acclimate to his size before I begin to grind my hips in circles. The stone beneath my knees is unforgiving but the shocks of pleasure shooting from my sex to my fingertips with each rotation takes away any pain. Side to side, front to back I grind against him as his fingers dig into the flesh of my hips.
Our breaths are harsh and fast in the silence of the bathroom. My ears hear the baritone of his grunts, my eyes see the evidence of his masculinity and my body is filled with the essence of pure, hard male. Those same muscles that bunched and flexed in the weight room now do the same thing as he lifts me up and down on his cock.
Inside I feel my orgasm gathering slowly, pulling sensation from my toes and my fingertips and lighting every cell in between on fire. His teeth are gritted tight and he says nothing so that he can concentrate on controlling his own climax. The sight is enough to push me over the precipice and I fall, my entire body unraveling with each circle of my hips until I'm almost in tears. He watches and waits until I start to come down from the high before he lets himself go, gripping my ass and helping me to grind against him until he grunts six times in a row and his body relaxes against the tiles behind him, pulling my face to his and kissing me before I rest my head on his shoulder. The scent of sex and sweat is heavy in the air and I'm sure we need to get going but we just sit and enjoy the quiet intimacy for a few minutes.
"We never even turned the water on." I giggle but he jerks underneath me and groans in my ear.
"Ana, if you do that again while I'm still inside you I'm going to get hard again."
"What?" I say, giggling on purpose and thrilled with his tense reaction. "This?" He swats my ass and stands with me still wrapped around him, walking to the control panel on the wall to tap the two button.
"Two?" He grins and puts me down onto the heated floor while the water falls around us.
"You don't like it as hot as I do or as hard so I programmed your preference in when you said you'd move in." It's so small but it makes me melt.
"Christian, that is so sweet, thank you." He just smiles and lathers his hair, handing me the shampoo to do mine. Once we're clean and dressed he texts Taylor to let him know we're leaving. Now that this brunch is part of our routine, we can't go without security which is a disappointment. I liked having him all to myself in a normal setting but I understand the need. Last time we went there were photographers sitting in their cars with telescopic lenses taking pictures of our waffles and the pictures made the front page of PerezHilton and TMZ. I don't get the fascination.
"I can't believe you're leaving me, who's going to go grocery shopping now?" Kate whines half joking while we sip mimosa's and wait for our food.
"You know, Kate, if Ana's moving out you should just move in with me. Kill two birds with one stone if you will." Her mouth drops open as does mine but Elliot just gives her a goofy grin and takes one of her hands. "Come on Katie girl, why not?"
I have never known Katherine Kavanaugh to maintain silence for longer than 14 seconds until now. Her eyes widen but she finally squeaks out, "Really?" and then ushers a breathless, "Yes." When Elliot nods his head.
"Perfect!" Elliot booms, clapping his hands together. "We can go back to the apartment with Christian and Ana and pack up today."
"Actually, E, I've got to get to GEH and do some work but Ana is heading over there with Sawyer to grab a few things. I've got movers coming over at 10 tomorrow morning, once they get Ana's things they can come back and move Kate's stuff as well."
The rest of brunch passes by with excited conversations about moving in and Missy's bridal shower and bachelorette party. Christian's ears prick up, his eyes burning into me until I meet his glare.
"Bachelorette party? Were you going to mention this at any point, Anastasia?"
"I'm sure it would have come up once we made the plans. We were thinking about this Saturday since the Africa trip has been pushed back a week."
"Where?" Kate and Elliot are watching this interaction so I choose to not make a scene and instead touch his leg and lay my other hand on his.
"Probably in Seattle since this is where most of her family is. We'll have the shower Saturday afternoon and then we'll go out dancing or something. I figured Kate and I could plan it today."
"Go out where?" The muscles under my hand tense as he taps his heel under the table with anxiety. I'm 22, this is part of my life and he's going to have to learn to deal with it.
"We haven't even gotten that far, I have no idea. We don't even know who's coming yet." He stills and his entire body is motionless except for the ticking of his jaw but I watch as his mind works overtime and he leans back, a smug smile on his lips.
"Club Review. I still haven't decided on it so you can go there and give me a report as to what you think." Of course, because he can control the environment if we go there. I glance at Kate and she's aware of what he's doing but to her credit she nods and smiles.
"That sounds like a good idea, she liked it when we went last month. We can do dinner out and then head over there. Rent limo's to drive us so we can drink too." Her eyes sparkle with mischief but I'll hand it to her, she's got the underhanded manipulation thing worked out because within a minute we're having an elaborate dinner in the private room at the Mile High Club and have two stretch limo's to bring us to the club and then to drop everyone off at their homes after.
Christian ends the email to Andrea and then stands to go, tossing a hundred dollar bill on the table.
"Ana." His hand is reaching for mine so I stand and walk to the door with him where Sawyer and Taylor are waiting. "You'll need to have security for this….party of yours."
"I know and I'm fine with that."
"No guys either. If you dance with another guy I will be seriously pissed. I don't want you even talking to anyone outside of the party."
"Christian, I would never disrespect you by crossing any lines but there will be two men at the bachelorette, one is Missy's cousin Casey and the other is his long time boyfriend Devin. I'm going to dance with them. It's what we do." I will not be told that I have to alter my friendships because of his insecurities. His head tilts and his eyes slit.
"They're gay?"
"Yes but even if they weren't, you can't tell me what I can and can't do. You can talk to me about your fears and we can come up with a solution that works for both of us but you can't boss me around like a child."
"Ana, I can and will tell you that you can't dance with other men. Get used to it." He leans down to kiss my stunned face and then hands me off to Sawyer with a swat on my butt. "I'll see you at Pilates, baby."
"What's wrong with you?" Kate stands in the doorway to my room watching as I stuff bags with my more private possessions. If I can't let Gail do my laundry, I certainly can't let random movers touch my panties.
"Nothing." I shove another handful of bras into the duffle bag and then shrug. "I just have a boyfriend who thinks it's ok to tell me who I can and can't dance with. You know what pisses me off? Now, instead of just enjoying planning this party, I have to worry that some random guy will talk to me."
"Whoa there, Ana. Take it easy or you'll tear the bag. He's just new to this whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. Give him some time, set your boundaries and stick with them."
"Elliot doesn't get jealous?" She guffaws and flops on the bed.
"Of course he does. The guy at Starbucks asked if I wanted extra cream in my hot chocolate yesterday and Elliot went on about it for 30 minutes after he made me wait in the car while he waited for the drink so that the guy couldn't 'eye fuck' me anymore. 30 minutes of him going on and on about how by 'cream' they guy meant 'cum'. Nope, I'm pretty sure he meant cream. Meanwhile, everywhere we go there's a woman who looks at him a little too long and I'm left wondering if she wants to fuck him or if she already did. But god forbid I bring that up, then he goes on and on and on about how that part of his life is over and I should just let it go. But I can't get extra cream in my hot chocolate!" We laugh at the ridiculousness until Elliot walks in and asks what's so funny.
"Nothing, can you give these to Sawyer to put in the car?"
He gives us a sideways glance and takes the bags. "Your neighbor is in the living room with her two kids and Christian called, he wants to know why you aren't answering your phone."
I relish the feel of my eyes rolling knowing that he'll never find out and chastise me for it and go out to the living room to see Karen, Sophie and their new baby Max.
"Ana! Elliot just told me you girls are moving!"
"We are. Hey Soph!" Sophie hides behind her mom's legs and points up at the baby in Karen's arms. She offers him to me and I take the little bundle, pressing that sweet warmth up against my chest and sighing at the sheer perfection of Max's chubby cheeks and pug little nose.
"One of your friends came by yesterday to drop something off for you. I'm sorry, she told me her name but I forget it. Baby brain! Anyway, she said she'd try again another time. Do you want me to give her your new address?"
"Oh, sure. Penthouse at Escala." I toss it out there and continue to cuddle up to Max, sitting on the couch so Sophia can show me his fingers and toes. Her fascination with her little brother is so cute and so endearing that it almost brings me to tears.
"Karen, you know, if you ever need me to watch them, I'd be happy to do it. I know you don't know many people here yet and just because I won't be living next door doesn't mean I can't babysit."
"Oh! Me too! We could make it a night, princess movies and nail polish! What do you think, Sophie?" Kate sits next to me and takes Max from me, rubbing his nose against hers. Karen sits on the coffee table and sighs.
"I'd love to. If you girls are serious, I'd definitely take you up on that offer. Dan broke his nose the other day surfing of all things so I'm stressed beyond what's normal. Have you ever had to take care of a grown man? I'd take two little kids any day over a guy with a booboo." Kate hands Max to her with a snicker and hugs her goodbye a few minutes later with vague dates on our joint babysitting venture.
Something in the back of my brain is niggling at me but I can't figure out what it is. Some information that I've not given enough time or attention to that makes me anxious but I brush it off and get my phone from the counter to see nine missed calls and texts.
"Wow, stalk much, Steele?" Kate looks over my shoulder and I blush with embarrassment and close the door to my room, calling him back before reading anything.
"Where have you been? I've been calling for a god damn hour and I know Elliot told you! What the fuck, Ana?"
"The phone was on the counter while I was packing and then Karen and the kids came over. What the hell is wrong with you anyway? You knew I was safe!"
"My parents called. They want us to come for dinner. Just you and I." All of my anger evaporates, his fear is the problem, not his anger. My poor man is afraid and hurting and I just disappeared when he needed me most.
"That's fine with me if you want to go. We can head over after class or I can call out if you want to go over earlier. Whatever you need, baby." He's silent and then in a shaky voice he speaks, low and afraid.
"We'll go over after class. I'll tell them we'll be there by six, is that manageable for you?"
"Yes. And Christian, it'll be fine." He snorts and hangs up after a quick goodbye. My own stomach drops at the thought of facing Grace and Carrick with what is surely to be a rough evening but if they want me there and he wants me there, then that's where I'll be.
"I'm sorry I missed your class, I had to finish up the paperwork for the Miami deal before tomorrow." I won't tell him that I'm happy he missed the class. I like having my own thing and I especially like not having a jealous, fire breathing, angry man sitting in the back pissed each time I adjust a male student's form.
"It's fine, Christian. Did you get it all finished?" He exhales sharply and leans his head back on the leather headrest, his left hand working its way into his hair while his right grips my thigh.
"Yea." His anxiety is tangible and seeps into me, causing my heart to beat faster and my limbs to feel numb.
"Christian, they love you and they want to see you."
"No, Ana. They probably want to tell me to never come around again. They've had enough time to think about it and they're disgusted with me like I knew they'd be and now they want me gone." His voice catches and I unbuckle, sitting on his lap and wrapping my arms around his neck. His hands go to my waist and pull me closer, his nose inhaling against my neck over and over until I feel his body relax.
It takes a minute to work up the courage to get out and walk to the front door but when we do Grace flings it open and throws her arms around Christian's neck, surprising him so much that he stumbles and grabs her to keep upright. Carrick stands back and lets me in the door but hugs me quickly once we're in the foyer before turning to Christian and shaking his hand with a sad smile.
"We thought we could have a casual dinner on the patio, is that ok with you guys? I've given the staff the night off so we could have privacy as well. Gretchen made an extra plate for Taylor and Sawyer before she left." Her words are quick and rushed betraying the nervousness underneath her cool exterior.
"That sounds great, mom." Christian takes my hand and follows Grace as she walks us to the back where a table for four has been set up. Even in her grief she's lit a candle and laid out flowers and I can't help think that someone so graceful as she should never have to have conversations like this.
CPOV
I'm still not over the panic I felt at not being able to get ahold of Anastasia earlier today but as we pull up to the house, I wonder if it's left over adrenaline or the all-consuming fear of facing my parents again. The warm body on my lap offers as much comfort as possible but when the car stops, the fear sits heavily. Over the last few weeks I've come to realize something. I can't handle the rejection of my parents and that is the one thing I'm sure is going to happen tonight.
Ana holds my hand and grips it tightly when the door opens to my mom who rushes out in jeans and a t-shirt to hug me. I'm stunned and then blown away when my father embraces Ana as if she were Mia.
"I hope you like chicken, Ana. I just grilled it, I imagine nobody has much of an appetite right now."
"It looks wonderful, Grace. Thank you for making anything." I cut into the asparagus but the thought of actually eating it makes my stomach churn so I put my knife down and sit back, pinching my nose to help alleviate the tension around my head.
"Christian? Are you alright?" Mom, ever the doctor lays her hand over my forehead, a move so simple, so reminiscent of my childhood that my throat constricts with emotion.
"I'm ok. Just…just…I don't know."
My father gently places his fork down and sits back, eyeing me carefully. "Just what?" Inside I struggle with the desire to really open up and give them what they deserve from me but that part of me that I've always protected, the part that Elena told me was worthless and hateful wins and I keep my mouth shut.
"Son, this house, this table, these people, they're safe. What are you afraid of?" He knows, I can tell by the way he looks at me and the words he uses. After a minute he leans forward, his hand finding my mother's on the table. "Nothing you've done, nothing you could ever do will cause your mother or I to stop loving you or to turn you away. We asked you here to get some answers." He clears his throat and sips his water. "And to make sure you knew that." His clear eyes swing to Ana with a nod.
"Ana, when did you learn about all of this? How?" Ana looks to me and waits for me to nod before answering.
"When we first started exploring our feelings for each other Christian told me over the course of two conversations some of the reasons why he didn't feel like he could pursue me. This was the big one, obviously." Mild panic sets in when I realize I never told her that I didn't tell them the exact nature of my sexual relationships up until her. "He was very honest, hesitant, but honest and laid it all out for me."
"And you chose to continue dating?" She huffs a bit and sips her wine.
"Well, we weren't exactly dating but yes, I chose to see where this would go and I've never regretted that choice." My mom gasps back a sob and takes her hand, squeezing it until she composes herself.
"Are you the one who told Christian to tell us?"
"Not really. I encouraged it but only after he expressed the desire and the hesitation to do so." She breathes out and looks at both of my parents sadly. "He's always wanted to tell you but he's never known how."
"That summer, when you...started with her. Your fighting stopped, your drinking stopped, your language stopped, everything. Overnight. Is it safe to assume that she told you that if you did any of those things that she would have stopped…" She can't finish the sentence and I'm grateful she doesn't.
"Yes."
"So she used sex as a manipulative tool against you as a child?" My father smacks his hand on the table and yells, "Fuck! How could we not have known?" His hands are balled into fists, his intense stare off into the distance.
"Even if you found out I wouldn't have stopped. That's why I'm angry that you're blaming yourselves at all. This was my choice, it was wrong and I knew it then and I really know it now but I made a choice."
"Shut up, Christian. You were a kid. A stupid kid but a kid nonetheless. She preyed on you and we didn't even see it happening." Shut up? Shut up? I don't think anyone has ever told me to shut up as an adult. "How often did this go on?"
"Dad do you really want details?"
"Yes. I want as much information as I can get from you because I want to know exactly what happened to MY SON!" Mom begins to cry and Ana rubs her back even as a tear runs down her own face. I've done this to my family. My actions have led to this. Carrick turns his face to me and points. "Answer me but don't you dare blame yourself!"
"We'd meet as often as we could. Usually twice a week, in the summers it was daily until I left for Harvard." I see Ana cringe. If I had to hear that she was having sex daily with anyone else it would kill me. The guilt of what I'm doing to her life rears up again.
"Daily. Daily!" Dad stands and walks to the edge of the patio, looking out over the pool before turning back. "I've spent the better part of the day researching our legal options," my heart stops beating, "and she was smart about it, I'll give her that. She waited until you were 15. Had you been 14 we'd have been able to still prosecute but because you were 15, the statute of limitations ended three years after the abuse ended. Damn it!"
"However, there is a loophole in Washington State law that says that if an abuse victim doesn't realize the extent of the damage and then through therapy or an outside party is made to realize the long lasting effects of said abuse, that they have one year to file a criminal suit." Oh my god, no. "It would mean a very public trial but she'd be condemned for sure, just the Grey name would lock her up." My mom watches me carefully, they've clearly discussed this already.
"I don't want to press charges, dad. Not now, not ever. I don't ever want this to become public knowledge."
"Then what, Christian? She just gets to abuse you, fuck with your mind, rob you and us of years of family time and then what? Continue giving chemical peels to Seattles elite?"
"Dad, I told you, I've got Welch and an entire team of people set on finding out anything they can on her to put her behind bars. A poetic justice if you will. She'll know it was me who put her away but she won't be able to tell anyone why because it will harm her further."
"I want to know what it is you've got." I've thought about this a lot over the last few hours. My dad wants revenge, a natural response but I want to do this on my own. The more involvement he has, the more he'll learn about the type of sex I was exposed to. In struggling to find the words Ana steps in, boldly and carefully, surprising me and bringing me as close to tears as I've ever been.
"Carrick, I can't imagine, for one second what it must feel like for the two of you. I am so very sorry that this has happened and that you're just now finding out. Christian has been working for years with his therapist to deal with it and he's come so far that he's willing to sit here and talk to you both about it. In his own way he's going to make sure she pays but that part is something he feels he needs to do on his own. What he needs from you, correct me if I'm wrong, Christian, is for the two of you to love him through it and to be there in the way that he needs. Not through the legal system but through being the parents that he's wanted but wouldn't let himself have." Holy Christ.
My dad stops pacing, my mother stops crying and my heart stops pounding.
"That's it? That's all you want from us?" I breathe out slowly and collect my thoughts which are scattered all around me.
"Yes. I'll deal with the rest, I'm not 15 anymore, I'm a grown man with a team of professionals who are paid well. Let them do their job so we can…move on." I throw my hands up when he starts to talk but he stops and listens. "I know there's more to talk about and more you want to know and I'll tell you whatever it is you need but I don't want either of you to place the guilt on yourselves. Please. It'll make this a thousand times harder for me than it already is."
My dad sits, takes a bite of chicken and looks at my mom who does the same.
"Well, here is what we want from you." Ana stiffens next to me and takes my hand, rubbing small circles on my thumb knuckle while we wait. "We want the truth, no matter how ugly it is. We want to know that you are still getting help for this and we want to make sure, without a shadow of a doubt that you know that you were a victim. If you don't want us to carry guilt, then we are going to ask the same of you."
The words fall heavily on my chest. Truth. Ugly. Victim. Guilt. Victim. Victim. Victim. Flynn, Ana, Elliot, my parents. Every one of them has used that word. Am I really a victim? Can I just not see it or are they not able to see the good that came out of what we did?
"Can you agree to that, Christian?" Can I? Truth? No guilt? My mom waits with wide eyes, red and puffy from a full day of crying. I will do anything to make this right for her.
"Yes."
"Good. Was it always consensual?" Ana sits back and takes my hand with her, waiting for my answer just as my parents are.
"I've never thought of our time together in that light but yes, for the most part it was consensual. There were…sometimes…things I didn't want to do and in those cases it depended on her mood as to whether or not I had to." My mom's jaw drops but it's my dad who speaks.
"Like what, son?" Truth.
"She liked things a bit rougher than what I've come to know as normal." Ana grips my hand in a show of solidarity and it gives me just enough strength to say the rest. "She wasn't interested in love or affection, it was purely sex and purely a power trip for her."
And for the first time, I can see it from her point of view. A troubled kid with no outlet who was used to being secretive and isolated was easy prey. Once she had me she laid further groundwork to ensure that I knew I was trouble. She took pleasure in hurting me, not just punishing me but destroying me from the inside out. I had always had doubt about the kind of person I was and as an adult she saw that and used it to her advantage. Manipulated. Used. Victim.
My mother, my own mother, didn't love me enough to fight a drug addiction and she let a man hurt me. Her actions made me feel unloved and unworthy of love but instead of righting that wrong, Elena Lincoln expounded on it and manipulated me into believing that nobody really loved me because I was unlovable.
"I need to go." I can't do this anymore. I can't go from being secretive and alone to sitting here eating dinner with my parents discussing my introduction to sex. I feel my entire world spinning around and I can't stop it, I can't catch up. Ana stands and touches my arm but I have to get out of here and now.
"I'm sorry, I just need to go."
My mother stands and walks me to the doors that lead into the house, stopping to hug me and kiss my cheek. My dad follows, hesitating to shake my hand and instead giving me a brief hug. It crushes me, breaking me under the weight of his two arms and I turn and go, walking quickly to the car pulling Anastasia behind me by the hand.
Taylor must sense my urgency because he peels out quickly and drives erratically, weaving in and out of lanes until we pull in front of Escala. Instead of waiting to park I jump out and drag Ana out, walking briskly past the doorman and hitting the elevator.
It pisses me off to no end when a new guy in the building who introduces himself as Nate Brown walks on, ignoring my icy stare and instead keeping his eyes planted firmly on my girlfriend.
"Nice to meet you." She says being polite but it doesn't matter, I'm so out of control inside that I hear nothing and see nothing but rage.
"Don't fucking touch her." I growl when he extends his hand. I can hear Ana gasp next to me and push her behind me, staring down Nate until we reach the fourth floor where he gets out without so much as a goodbye.
Ana says nothing, does nothing. I know she's behind me because I can feel her body heat but she doesn't touch me or reprimand me. She knows better than to fuck with me right now. A victim. I was a victim. She made me into a victim.
The darkness swirls and boils inside and erupts the minute the elevator opens into the foyer. Madonna and child. 24 of them surround me, mocking me. My birth mother made me a victim and I held onto that all those years. Victim. My hand reaches back and grabs her wrist, pulling her behind me as quickly as her legs will go until we pass the great room where I turn and pick her up, unhappy with the speed at which she's walking.
Still she says nothing. Does nothing. In the bedroom I put her on her feet near the sitting area and tear at my tie, yanking it loose and then taking my shirt off. Ana watches as I pace, my hands tugging furiously at my hair. Victim. My world is spinning, my thoughts jumbled and frenzied until I stop and look at her standing in the moonlight. Control.
"Strip." I order and she does and even though I see the slight tremor of her fingers as they unbutton her blouse I don't tell her to stop. When we're both naked I turn her from me and tie her hands behind her back with the tie, speaking low and controlled into her ear. "I want this, Anastasia. Do you want me to stop?"
"No." I fight with every fiber of my being to not correct her and have her say Sir. The word sits on my tongue but I swallow it back down.
"Did you like that man eye fucking you in the elevator? Hmmm? Do you like knowing he wants to fuck you? Fuck what's mine?" She turns her face to protest but I stop her, grabbing a handful of her hair to keep her in place but my sweet girl can't help her defiance.
"He was being friendly, Christian and I don't like the insinuation that I was flirting."
"Bull shit, Anastasia. Everyone wants you. Everybody wants what's mine but you know what? They can't have you." My voice is menacing but she fights me still, an invisible battle between us.
"No, they can't, Christian." She yanks her head around and loosens my grip enough so that she faces me, eyes ablaze with an emotion I can't place. "I'm yours, I know that, you know that and those are the only two people who matter."
"Bull shit again, Anastasia. I want everybody to know you belong to me." I take a step back and hold my cock in my hand, stroking it slowly as she watches. "Get on your knees and suck me." Her eyes fly to mine but she kneels and opens her mouth for me.
"You can't argue with me when your mouth is filled with my dick can you? Good girl, just like that now." Her mouth is warm and wet and she sucks me deep, flicking her tongue over each inch of my shaft until I grab her hair and fuck her mouth with long strokes. "That's it, baby, let me fuck that mouth of yours." My cum gags her, a satisfying sound as I empty into her throat before lifting her to her feet and pressing her up against the window.
My foot kicks her legs open and my hand immediately begins to rub on her clit in fast hard circles. Her breath is hot on my chest and I can feel her wild heartbeat against the palm of my hand pressed against her sternum to keep her in place. Victim. The word slams into me over and over. Control, I need control. I need this.
"Now, Ana, come on my fingers." She lifts onto her tippy toes and screams against me, biting at my collarbone as I wring the last bit of pleasure from her. When she goes limp I chuckle. "Oh no, baby, we're not finished." She looks at me with glazed eyes and I smile and kiss her on that sexy mouth. "Do you need me to stop?" She shakes her head and I lift her, carrying her the four feet to the low back white armchair and then bending her over it.
"This is going to be hard and fast, Ana." Victim. I shake my head and squeeze my eyes shut, slamming into her with a roar that drowns out her scream. "Fuck yea!" Over and over I slam into her until my quads burn and my fingers go numb from holding the tie wrapped around her wrists. "So hot, Ana, you were made for me, do you know that, baby? Mine!" I slam hard and grind into her. "Mine!" I yell again and repeat the motion. I can feel her womb at the head of my cock and I can hear her whimpers but still I slam into her. "Mine!"
She cries out my name and I still, flexing my fingers around the tie and gripping the cheek of her ass in my palm. "Do you need me to stop, Anastasia?" I know my voice is intimidating but I need this right now.
"No, don't stop." She whispers but I hear the hesitation behind it.
"You'll come again for me." She shakes her head but I grab her hair and keep her still, wrapping my other hand around her and finding her clit, swollen and sensitive. With short smooth strokes I slide in and out of her while I pinch that little hard bundle of nerves until I feel her begin to spasm around me. "Now, come for me now, Ana!" She screams when I yank her head back and pound into her from behind, wrapping my hands around her neck gently to keep her bent to me.
I come hard, violently, almost painfully and fall forward onto her to catch my breath, both of our sexes pulsing and swollen. When I can stand I untie her hands and watch with shame as she brings her arms forward to massage her wrists.
"Let me." I manage and stand with her in the moonlight, rubbing each finger and around each wrist until she tells me to stop. "I'm sorry." I whisper, resting my forehead on hers and holding our hands between us.
"I just want to go to sleep, Christian." Stomach sinking panic sets in when she takes her hands away and walks to the bathroom to clean up. Meekly I follow, gathering up our clothes and stuffing them in the hamper in the hopes that if they're not laying there as a reminder, that she'll forget how rough I just was.
When she gets into bed she puts on yoga pants and a t-shirt, something she hasn't slept in since we started having sex. I know I fucked up I just don't know how to make it better so I say nothing and wait for her. As if on cue she lifts up on one side and looks down on me.
"Tomorrow we'll talk about what happened here tonight but until then, I want you to sleep. You need it, I need it and I really don't want to talk about anything right now."
"Ana, I"
"Tomorrow. I need some time to process all of" she waves her hand towards the window seating area, "that. And before you ask, no, I'm not leaving." And then she does the most surprising thing of the night by resting her head on my shoulder and flinging her leg over mine before she drifts off.
Stupid. So fucking stupid. After our session with Dr. Fischer in which she explained to me the importance of not using sex with Ana as a coping mechanism, I did just that. And not the loving, mutually satisfying sex from last night. I fucked her like a sub. Well, not entirely like a sub, I would have never stopped to ask if they were ok or if they needed me to stop, they'd have used a safe word and short of that, I'd never have thought about it.
It doesn't matter that she came twice or that she seemed to enjoy some of it, I was rough and controlling, chasing a need in me to dominate that she couldn't possibly understand. In all my years of having subs, I never once, not one time regretted my behavior with them. The harder it was the better it was. If they couldn't handle it, it was their fault, not mine. It was more satisfying, more exhausting, and filled the need for me to control.
But tonight it's done none of that. I feel empty and afraid and sad. That wasn't what I needed, in fact, it's made things worse and when I look at the sleeping angel curled into my side I know why. Her happiness, her satisfaction, her peace is what I need, not the harsh use of her body. She is what I need, not control and harshness but the loving touch and comfort of this soft, sweet, sensual woman in a gray t-shirt next to me.