Author's note: Wow. I'm always amazed at how differently people perceive the written word and you readers are no exception. Your pm's and reviews for the last chapter ranged from (mostly) being awed at Ana's strength to being pissed at her weakness. This process has been so interesting from my point of view and I've really enjoyed hearing from you all and seeing how YOU perceive the story and the characters. Thank you to everyone of you who takes the time to reach out to me. As to my view on Ana's strength, she's 22 with zero relationship experience. That's one hell of a curve to learn and sometimes, before you know how tall you stand, you have to get your legs taken out from underneath you. Right now she's in the ditch but our girl is about to learn just what she's made of. Happy reading friends!
CPOV
"Nothing?"
"No, sir. She checked in using the name Rose Trevelyan, hit the vending machines and the ice machine and hasn't opened her door since."
"Ground floor?"
"Second."
"Send me pictures." My hands are already flying over my laptop to look up the cheap hotel she's checked herself into. Seeing it will make me feel better, like it's real and she hasn't just disappeared into nothingness.
For the thousandth time in four hours I click to the open, 'locate my iphone' screen and watch with some sense of relief that it hasn't moved from the room at the hotel. She didn't speed on her way there and she didn't stop. Her route was roundabout and sporadic, a small clue into her state of mind. Aimless. It terrifies me.
"Taylor! Who's at the hotel now?"
"A woman by the name of Elizabeth Dix. She's with Gate's team but on sabbatical and looking to take on a quick job. She's parked next to Ms. Steele's car with a clear visual of the hotel room. We've also checked someone into the room to her right." I take small comfort in the fact that he's not happy that she refused security either.
"Thank you. Keep me posted on anything overnight."
Hours tick by as I sit, motionless at my desk, willing my phone to ring. I've got my cell, my office and the house line in front of me just in case she calls. When she finally does my heart stops, my fingers tingle, my throat closes. If she tells me it's over, I'm finished.
Her voice is hoarse from crying but she's still kind despite the hell she's going through. My baby, so strong and so fragile. It takes incredible willpower to not drive to her and take her out of that hell hole, just thinking about her, alone in a small hotel room kills me.
Tomorrow. I can get through tonight if I know she'll be here tomorrow. She doesn't say goodbye when we hang up so I don't either. Gail has left the dinner plate and even though it's been hours, there is no way I could eat right now.
Listless. That's what I feel as I wander the apartment still in my suit and tie. The last time I did this was before we had ever gotten together and I wondered then if it was fair to bring her into my life. Now, a few short weeks later my entire world has changed and I'm still debating it. Her clothes hang in our closet and I take a few pieces out, laying them on the bed and over chairs so that I can imagine her in them. Pathetic.
Her absence is the worst kind of punishment. This, this emptiness, this is hell.
My heart slows as I get ready for bed but when I walk into the bathroom to find her toothbrush missing, it brings me to my knees and I break. Totally and fully break under the weight of my life. I don't sob, I don't hiccup or cry out like in the movies. I just sit back against the wall as tears stream down my face and onto my bare chest while my eyes focus on that lone toothbrush in the white porcelain. Singular. Alone. Gone. Everything that I have gone through and survived and it's a toothbrush that brings me to my knees with heaving emotions.
I cry for a copper haired four year old boy, I cry for a young woman so filled with hate for herself that she takes her own life in a dirty apartment, I cry for parents who could never have a child and adopt one to love only to have him isolate himself and then break their hearts later. I cry for a teenage boy who was so desperate for affection that he let someone beat him for an hour so that he could feel love for a minute. I cry for a young man, alone and lonely twisting in agony in sweat stained sheets with memories of pain that he felt he deserved.
I cry for a little girl who never knew her father and a young girl who lost another father when she needed him most. I cry for a teenage girl with long brown hair who made herself as small as she could to avoid being hit by a grown man. I cry for a young woman who felt terror and heard hatred while another man tried to hurt her in the dark.
And I cry for a woman, in a hotel room three hours away who's heart, so carefully guarded over the years, was broken by me.
An hour, or two, or three later I pull myself together and wash my face seeing red rimmed eyes for the first time in twenty years. The cane, the flogger, the prods, they had hurt and my eyes had stung but I would never have given Elena the satisfaction of my tears. But Ana, she can have it all. Everything I am, everything I own. Everything.
There is no security, no respite in my bed. I don't need to lay in it to know this so I don't even try and instead I sit at the piano and rest my hands on the keys. I haven't played, really played since the night of my birthday. The ghost of a smile crosses my lips when I remember that night. Me and Ana. The first night of the rest of my life.
Born and reborn 29 years apart.
Instinct has my fingers moving over the keys, finding the notes for Albinoni's Adagio in G. The notes haunts me so I leave it and move onto Mahler's Adagietto from his 5th Symphony. I haven't played this since I was a kid. It reminds me of my birth mother but tonight, I remember, with stunning accuracy the notes, the emotions, the heartache and I feel it all, allowing myself to mourn for the losses in my life for the first time.
I have a family, a mother and a father, a sister and a brother and one day, if I ever get my act together, I'll have Ana as my wife. But this song reminds me that I had another mother. A woman who carried me and birthed me and somehow kept me alive for four years. Somewhere out there is my father, probably unaware that I even exist but somewhere, someone has my blood in their veins. This song makes me think of that and three minutes in I find myself banging on the keys in frustration and in anger. I've never been a 'why me' kind of person but tonight I ask myself. Why?
Elliot is adopted, so is Mia. Millions of kids are. Why me? Why am I so fucked up? How can I possibly deserve and keep a woman who brings me such light and such joy? Why would anyone want to stay with me? Be with me for any length of time? I knew she'd realize it one day, is today that day? Tomorrow? A year from now?
My phone sits on the bench next to me, dark and silent. I can't change my past. I can't and for years I thought if I punished myself enough, it would go away but it didn't, I just magnified it. I want a future with Ana, I want her happy and whole and well but my fucked up life, my brokenness is chipping away at her chance for that. I need to change that, I need to see myself the way she sees me. Accept the bad shit, move past it, make right what I can and look forward. For her. For me. For us.
The music stops, my eyes close and my head clears. I can control this. Not all of it, but some of it. I can take steps towards changing my future by moving on from my past. Without thinking I pick up the phone and open the folder where I've kept my notes from Ana. My finger scrolls over each one, reading and rereading until I've memorized them all. I need to move these 'statements of facts' as Ana calls them, from my head to my heart.
At five I dress for a work out and text Taylor to meet me in the foyer. He's suited up and ready in three minutes, half of his hair sticking straight up from the sleep I'm sure I just pulled him out of. We run a punishing 12 miles in less than an hour and a half. With each step I repeat the words that Ana has left for me to accept.
I am kind. I am trustworthy. I am generous. I am funny. I am honest. I am safe. I am loved. Loved, me, Christian Trevelyan Grey is loved. A smile pulls at my lips. She checked in under the name Trevelyan.
Taylor says nothing when we head down to the gym instead of back up to the apartment. I want to hit something. I played out the fear, I ran out the confusion. Now I need to hit out the anger. He holds the bag still while I strike, over and over and over until my arms won't move and my knuckles crack.
"Do you want to hit?" I ask, unwrapping the tape from my palms.
"No." He looks relieved to go upstairs again and makes a beeline for the security suite, no doubt to check up on where Ana is. I already know she's not left, her phone is in the same location as is her car. I've checked twelve times in the last hour.
After a shower Taylor finds me at the breakfast bar. My omelet is the same one Gail makes every morning but today I can't even taste it. Without Anastasia, everything is tasteless.
"Sir, Morton is shopping around the earrings. He's hit two pawn shops this morning. Mrs. Adams is still in the hotel room." He pauses and then raises his eyebrows.
"Do we have someone following him and filming him?" My watch shows eight which makes it eleven in Georgia. I'd love nothing more than to call Ana and tell her I've put her abusive son of a bitch step father behind bars. The problem is her mother would have to go as well.
"Yes, two men on rotation. I confirmed that the police report was filed Sunday night so the earrings are considered stolen at this point." The taste of control, of power and acquisition fills my mouth. All of my angst is going to be directed in taking down this fucker and he has no idea it's even coming.
GEH is usually a sanctuary for me. The imposing glass structure my kingdom, my desk, my throne where I control all and dictate all. I walk these halls with a swelled chest and un upright chin, demanding respect and authority. Nobody questions me, nobody challenges me. Here, I am king. My word, my decisions, my mere presence is overwhelming.
Today this 20 story glass building is empty of one woman. One woman in a building that employs thousands. It makes no difference that she'd be at her office across town today, the fact is that she's not here, in Seattle with me. Today I do my best to blend in, to shrink into the people milling in the lobby so that I can make it to my office and hide. I'm here for the distraction and out of habit but I couldn't give a shit about making money today.
All of my focus over the last few years has been to build this company, to own and control as much of the world as I could and I've been wildly successful in that venture. But now this empire represents something else entirely.
Wasted time. Had I put in just a fraction of my dedication into myself and getting well, my parents wouldn't be heartbroken and Ana wouldn't be in the middle of a nervous breakdown.
When my phone rings with her ringtone I drop it in my nervous haste to answer and answer it on my knees. Submissive. Hers.
"Christian?"
"Sorry, baby, I dropped the phone. Are you ok? Are you coming home? Did you sleep ok? Did you eat anything yet?" She giggles. A giggle and my heart soars with hope.
"I'm fine. I'm leaving here in a few minutes so you can tell the woman sitting in the silver Tahoe that I'm almost ready. When I get back we're going to talk about that and a few other things." My stomach drops. She wasn't giggling, she was breaking.
"OK. Ana, I can't let you"
"Stop! I called to let you know that Matthew Smith is coming over later today to translate the latest documents. Mr. Tsang sent an email late last night asking for an answer by business end today and I won't be back in time."
"Ana, he's not been vetted, how can we give him information that confidential?" I'm actually pissed that she's passing this off onto someone else. "Are you sending him to avoid seeing me? To break the working relationship we have?"
"Christian, you've already vetted him, he's already working for me and he's familiar with the assignment. Nothing in the paperwork he needs to translate is related to the financial aspect of the deal nor is it part of the trade package. I need him to do this." After a pregnant pause she continues. "It isn't always about you." What the fuck does that mean?
She's got me by the balls and she knows it. I have no argument, no leg to stand on and frankly, I'm too afraid to piss her off right now. And what the hell did she mean 'not always about you'?
"Fine. I'll have Taylor get him a temporary pass. He'll be in your office?"
"Yes, that's where the paperwork is."
"You'll be home when I get there?"
"Depends on when you get there. I'm going to go to my office and then I'm going to the grocery store."
"What? Why?"
"It calms me. I also have a session with Dr. Fischer this afternoon. I'll be home when I'm finished with everything, we'll talk then."
"Ana...drive carefully."
"I will." And then she's gone. When the phone rings again I answer it quickly, surprised to see Jose's name.
"Hi, Christian." After a minute of idle chit chat, of which I have no time nor use for, he gets to the point. "The exhibit ends this Saturday so the pictures can be delivered to you by Sunday afternoon. Depending on where you want them, we can make plans to meet up at your office or at your home."
"Both. I have plans to hang two in my office at home, three here and one in our bedroom." His small cough doesn't escape my notice. Yes, Mr. Rodriguez, our bedroom where I fuck her senseless and make her scream my name over and over.
"That leaves one more."
"Yes, I'll hang that one myself." There is no way in fuck he's going in the playroom. Part of me wonders if Ana will ever even go into the playroom. Once we hang up I get lost in my own thoughts. I haven't thought about the playroom in weeks. Even when I didn't have a sub I thought about that room and the promises it held but it's been a long time since I've even remembered it was there. Interesting.
Man, I am dying to get Ana on that cross.
At one Taylor informs me that Ana is in her office. Of course I already know this since I haven't taken my eyes off the blinking red light that tracks her iPhone. Before he can leave I call him back in.
"Should I go over there?" He stumbles a bit when he tries to answer.
"Sir, this really isn't my area of expertise, just ask my ex-wife. But my initial thought would be that if she didn't come here, then she's not ready to see you just yet."
At six her phone registers her at the therapists office. Sawyer is back with her and reports to me that she seemed normal, albeit a bit quiet but normal nonetheless. She's with Dr. Fischer for two fucking hours while I sit at my desk with my dick in my hands. I should call Flynn but I don't. I want to hear what Ana has to say first and frankly, having someone else repeat what a colossal mess I've created doesn't appeal to me right now.
Once she leaves there I call for Taylor, heading home to wait for what I'm sure will be a rough night. True to her word Sawyer texts to let us know she's shopping at Whole Foods. I have to chuckle. Most women run to Neiman Marcus. Ana, she runs to the health food store.
At nine thirty she walks in with Sawyer behind her holding brown paper bags and a bag of oranges. I bite my cheek to keep from telling her that we have a house full of food. When she sees me she smiles and it's genuine. Sad but genuine. My arms reach for the bags in her hands and I place them on the counter before turning back to her. Sawyer and Taylor are nowhere to be seen.
She's a disaster. Her Denver Bronco's t-shirt is too big, her jeans are wet at the bottom where she must have walked through a puddle. The flip flops she put on yesterday are sitting in the foyer, wet and dirty, her hair is in a messy knot at the top of her head. If she put makeup on today, she's since cried it off leaving her skin blotchy and dull. Never, in all my life have I seen someone more beautiful.
"I missed you." It's a breath, it's a prayer, it's a question.
"I missed you too." Her grin warms me almost as much as the arms she wraps around my waist and the head she rests on my chest.
"You're beautiful, Ana." She laughs and begins to unpack the bags, leaving the counter top laden with snacks and fruit and one really large cut of brisket. She shrugs when she sees me eyeing it.
"I have no idea why I bought that." I can't help but laugh and soon she joins in, filling this empty apartment with her joy again. I need to keep her here, I need her like I need air and food and water. My desire to tell her that, to shake her by her shoulders and force her to stay with me forever is so great that I back up and sit on the stool, clasping my hands in front of me and clamping my lips shut. This is her show right now. Not about me.
It takes her another ten minutes to put it all away and then she sits next to me, pulling her legs up and wrapping her arms around her knees.
"You had me followed even after I told you not to." I'll say one thing for her, she doesn't beat around the bush.
"Yes. You are my girlfriend, you are being watched by the media and who knows how many crazies. You have to have protection, Ana. You can have your time alone but it has to be in a safe environment. I will not ever relent on that. I had you followed to ensure your safety, not to spy on you." That's mostly true if I'm honest with myself.
"I know. Which is why I'm not freaking out." Her slim shoulders rise and fall in defeat. "It was stupid of me to demand that they not follow, especially after...Hyde. I'm sorry I put you in a position like that." Her hand touches mine briefly in apology. I'll take it. "But it also begs the question, Christian. How did you know where to find me? The phone? The car? Did you implant a chip in me when I was sleeping?" I hold up my hands in defeat.
"The car has a GPS monitoring system, all of our cars do, even the ones we give our employees. I simply had yours activated. And your phone, same thing."
"My emails at work. They're monitored as well?" How the fuck does she know this?
"Yes, again for your safety."
"Right. I want that rectified before I go to bed tonight. You have no right, none, to be accessing my emails or my computer records. It's a hard limit." Anything, I'll do anything to get her to stay with me. I can get Barney to put on stronger filters so nothing but actual business gets through.
"Fine. I'll call Barney tonight." She nods once and picks at her toenails.
"I need a pedicure." She does but I'm wise enough to stay quiet. "Is my phone or office bugged?"
"What? No! Of course not!" She laughs and shakes her head.
"You have spies and GPS tracking on me but think it's ridiculous that I think you might have bugged the places I frequent. In the name of safety of course." She makes air quotes around safety.
"Point well made, Ms. Steele. No, no bugs anywhere."
"Cameras?" Is she serious?
"No." Have I really freaked her out so much that she thinks I'm stalking her? "Ana, the measures put in place are for your safety. You can brush it off and make jokes about it all you want but we both know it's necessary so stop with the shit." She sighs and closes her eyes.
"You're right that I need a CPO, I realize that but the rest of it, you know as well as I do that you're overstepping. Yet again I need to remind you to ask me before you do things like this. Ask me, Christian. You don't get to run my life or make my decisions, you never ever ever will and I think that bears repeating. You, will never run my life. We can make choices as a unit, but you will never run the show just like I will never run it. We will do this together." This whole concept of sharing a life with someone is so new to me but again, anything, anything to make her stay I'll agree to.
"Agreed. Our decisions for our life. I'm sorry."
"What else?" My heart thunders. Is there anything else? God, please don't let there be anything else.
"What else what?"
"What else have you employed to spy on me and monitor my movements?"
"Nothing. I swear." She relaxes then, letting her arms drop to her sides and rolling her neck around to ease the tension. "Did you get sick today? Any headaches?"
"No but Dr. Brodsky called with my blood test results. I'm sure you already know them though."
"No, I don't actually. Trust me, it took willpower to not find out but I know when I'm on thin ice." She pours more wine into her glass and sips it back, eyeing me over the crystal rim with a smirk.
"Wise move. I'm slightly anemic but outside of that, I'm healthy and definitely not pregnant." I am not talking about pregnancy scares right now. No fucking way am I navigating that mine field with her so emotional.
"How do we fix the anemia?"
"Green leafy vegetables, orange juice and supplements. I picked some up at Whole Foods today. Dr. Brodsky said that if I ever do want to have kids, I'll need to get my iron and folate numbers up anyway and while I have no intention of having children for a long time, I do want them one day." She looks at me through her lashes and shrugs. "I get the impression that you don't, and that's fine, but you need to know that one day, I will most likely want kids so…"
There is literally nothing I can say to help this right now. This is equivalent to being handed a loaded bomb and not being told how to diffuse it.
"Ana…I…"
"Let me spare you the conversation, Christian since I don't want to have it either. I do not want children for years. And who knows, in five, six, seven years maybe I won't want them at all. But right now, I think that one day I'm going to want to have a baby, maybe more. You need to know that. If that freaks you out, that's ok, you need to be honest with what you want and I would never ask you to have a kid if you didn't want one. But that doesn't mean that I'm willing to forgo that dream so I will continue to take the pill and get the shot in two weeks as scheduled because the thought of getting pregnant right now makes me break out in hives. But I think it's only fair that you know something that important."
I never, in a million years would have anticipated having this conversation in my lifetime. Never. But she's right. If a child is a dream of hers, I need to know that.
"Ana, in all of my visions of my life, I've never seen a child in it but I've never tried to. I don't know what I'll want later but right now, there is no way in hell I want a kid." Maybe one day...but not today.
"Fair enough." Her shoulders square and she sits straight up, piercing me with her eyes. "Now I want to talk about your little temper tantrum and the way you blamed me when you thought maybe we were pregnant. Takes two to make a baby in case you missed that day in health class." Her lips purse while she tries not to smile at her own jab.
"It was ridiculous, huh?" My hand scrubs the back of my neck with embarrassment.
"Uh, yea."
Wasting no time she jumps to the next thing on her mind. "Ground rules. I believe you call them hard limits." Again with the air quotes. She grins to lighten the mood. "I will not be monitored anymore. You will not track my phone or my car unless I'm missing and possibly in danger. You will not run background checks on my friends or employees unless I ask you to." Her finger shoots up to shush me when I begin to protest. "I get the need, I will come to you with each new hire and we will decide, together, if that's necessary."
"Ana,"
"I'm still talking. You will tell me of any actual viable threats to my safety and you will keep me informed as to the measures you're putting in place to keep me safe. You will stop hacking websites that aren't yours, and you will, immediately, stop monitoring my emails and my calls both personal and business. If you don't trust me, then we have bigger issues than your stalking."
"I trust you! It's other people I don't trust!"
"I'll tell you when I'm finished talking, Christian. Until then, try just listening as if your relationship depends on it." My heart thuds against my rib cage with unease. Once she has my full attention again she resumes her list of rules. "I will not be followed or spied on when I meet with friends or go to parties. I promise to be respectful of myself, of my relationship and of you. You have to trust me." She takes a deep breath and cuts me with the intensity of her stare. It's evident that whatever she has to say next took a lot of thinking and analyzing on her part.
"And you will come to me anytime you need sex to cope and we will figure out a healthy way to utilize that aspect of our relationship. Ultimately, we define our parameters as to what we're comfortable with and what we'll allow in our relationship together. I'm fine with...needy sex but I will not be touched out of anger or out of aggression. Rough is one thing, mean is another. I can do rough, I can't do mean." Her voice falters and gets quiet. "If you need that, then you need to tell me right now. I am begging you to be honest with me."
The back of my fingers graze her cheek, stopping to tug her lip out from between her teeth.
"Ana." She lifts her gaze to mine, her green eyes swimming with tears. "I don't need that. The other night confirmed that. You and Flynn have been telling me that but until I figured it out on my own, I'd never have really believed it myself. I'm telling you the honest truth. I only need you. Anyway I can have you. Not just your body, not just your mind. You. I just need you."
She gasps softly and chokes back a sob, turning her face into my hand in relief.
"And my rules? All hard limits, Christian so think carefully before you agree to them."
I have no choice really. She's not asking for anything unreasonable but it does limit the amount of information I can gather about her day to day. I want to know everybody that crosses her path, specifically the men and her...rules...hinder that ability.
"I'll meet you half way here. You will notify me of any threats, small or large and you will allow my team to investigate without you interfering or running off. You'll agree to a CPO at all times and you'll forward any emails that seem off to Barney. I plan on having you in my life forever, Ana, that means you'll always have security so you need to get used to it."
Her eyes widen and a small smile creeps up on the corners of her mouth.
"Forever?"
"This can't be news to you." I'm incredulous that she doesn't know this already.
"Well, you've said a few things here and there but forever is a long time, Christian and we really just met. Not to mention the fact that I'm pretty sure I just had a nervous breakdown." She snorts but the sadness is evident.
"Ana, my heart knew the second it met yours that it belonged with you. It took my head a little while to figure it all out but now that they're in synch, it's a done deal, baby." Sliding off the stool I press my chest against her bent legs and wrap my hands around her shoulders. "Now, I won't overwhelm you with talk of marriage and weddings since you just moved in and that was touch and go for awhile but you should know that I always get what I want and what I want," I lift her left hand and kiss her ring finger, "is for this finger to have a rock on it that says, 'I belong to Christian Grey'."
She swoons, actually swoons and then picks up my left hand. "And you? Will you wear a ring that says, 'I belong to Anastasia Steele'?" I throw my head back and laugh.
"Baby, everybody already knows that but yes, I can't wait to have something physical to show the world that I'm a taken man. And it'll be Grey. Anastasia Rose Grey." She smiles when I wink and kisses my finger, opening her legs so that I can stand between them. "So...we're ok?" She sighs against my neck softly.
"Yea, we're ok. So long as we can talk to each other and really listen to each others feelings, we'll always be ok, Christian." We stand like that for a few minutes, basking in the safety of each other's commitment before she pulls away and beams up at me. "Forever, huh?"
"Forever. It's all I'll settle for." The truth is, I'll settle for her anyway I can get her but what I want, what I want more than anything in the world is the assurance that no matter how long I live, Anastasia will be mine.
APOV
He's not kidding, I can feel the intensity of the moment and it scares the living shit out of me. My brain is screaming at me to tell him about Lillian's visit and to tell him about the SubClub but the logical part of my brain has me keeping quiet. He's invaded my privacy enough. Ironic, no? If he'd have relaxed and been up front with me from the beginning, I'd have run to him with this information. But since he's pushed me so far and made me feel so open and exposed, I can't help but clam up. Huh.
"I need a shower. Come with me?" He grins and kisses my nose, then my cheek, then my neck slowly, grazing his lips softly over my skin.
"How about a bath? I can work on some of these knots I feel on your back." My plan of abstinence is going to be obliterated. Damn.
"OK." Is all I can manage and he lifts me, wrapping my legs around his waist and carrying me to the bathroom where he begins to fill the tub and pours oil in it without ever putting me down. Sitting on the edge he takes off my shirt and bra and then stands me up to take off my pants, quickly stripping himself down and pulling me into the water, my back to his front amid fluffy white bubbles.
I can feel him, hard and heavy against my lower back and as much as I want that, and soon, I want to talk. I feel the need to be heard and also to hear. I need to figure out how this man ticks and quite frankly, he needs to learn how I operate. Or more accurately how I'm going to operate.
"Five question game?" He stills and squeezes my shoulder.
"Alright." Hesitation. I brush it off and charge ahead.
"Good. Sunday night, when we had sex in the sitting area, did you think of me as a sub? Even for a second?" His breath is cold on my neck as he exhales.
"I didn't think of you as a sub but there were moments when I didn't think of you as my girlfriend. I never had the urge to hurt you or to punish you but I definitely wanted to fuck you hard."
"I liked that part of it." I can feel his smile against the top of my spine. It surprised me to be honest. I'm just now figuring out what it is I like and what I'm uncomfortable with and well, truth be told, I liked him needing me and wanting me that badly. If there hadn't been the shadow of fear and uncertainty, I could have really enjoyed it.
"What part of it did you like? The restraint? The commands?" His tongue traces up the side of my neck, leaving goosebumps in its wake. My discomfort with the conversation needs to go. This is my lover and my boyfriend. Get over your inhibitions, Ana Steele! I take a page out of his book and just talk about sex as if we were discussing dinner plans.
"All of it. Being told what to do, knowing that by obeying you you would feel centered and pleasured at the same time. I liked being restrained because I felt safe, I liked the words you used and the force of your…fucking." My face is burning but I have to lay it all out there. "Not all the time, I'd tear in two but once in a while, that…could be nice."
"You like being submissive to me in the bedroom, Anastasia." His hands cup my breasts, barely touching them. They're heavy and aching with need for his hands, his mouth, his anything. "You have no idea how much that pleases me."
"Yes, I do." His teeth nip the top of my shoulder with a groan before he sits back and resumes his massage down my spine.
"OK, we've got to stop talking about it or we'll never finish the game." I giggle because even I'm having a hard time keeping my hands to myself right now.
"Fine! Did any of your subs ever tell you they didn't like the way you treated them? Did they ever seem hurt by your detachment?" Did they feel the way I felt that night?
"My first sub ever told me I was too rough. I found her crying after one of our sessions and asked her about it. Some women wanted the roughness as hard as I could give it but others were like her." This is so hard to hear but so necessary right now. I don't want to resent him and part of me does for them. It's totally unfair to both of us. "The rest knew what they were getting into. I can't say I was careful to not show them emotion, I didn't have it to show. If emotions, theirs of course, ever came into play I'd terminate their contract and that was that. None of them said my detachment bothered them but I never really had the conversation with them about it to be honest."
His hands slide back to my breasts and lift them out of the water, making circles with his palms over my nipples. "Put your legs on the sides of the tub." I grin and shake my head. I'm not finished talking. He sighs and begins to knead the slippery mounds.
"These…other guys you were talking about, did any of them see you naked?" I am so pissed at myself for ever bringing that up. It was petty and spiteful and unfair and now, I've made him insecure, something I've been working really hard to avoid.
"Not entirely, no." His hands drop and he pulls my face to the side so that I can see him.
"What the fuck does that mean, Anastasia?"
"It means not entirely. I was never naked with anyone but you." How can he actually be pissed about this when he's done all manner of kinky fuckery with countless women? His eyes burn with more questions but he keeps his lips pressed thin, waiting for his turn again.
"What if I wanted to meet with one of your past lovers? How would that make you feel?"
"I don't have past lovers. I have past subs, one night subs, and you." His hands pause as he thinks. "I guess I'd be ok with it if the purpose was to put your mind at ease and get you to understand better but if you just wanted to become obsessive and go off the deep end, no way." He resumes his fondling and rests his chin on my shoulder.
My internal debate rages on. I should tell him about Lillian's visit but I remain silent. She was nice, I liked her and I really want to know what she meant by 'the normal routes'. Our conversation, brief as it was gave me pause. Her approach was one of a friend, not a scorned lover out for revenge. It was almost as if she felt she was doing me a favor...like she thought I was a sub myself...as if someone had told her that and asked her to reach out to me. Little pieces of a picture start to click into place.
"Do you want to meet with one of them? I'm sure Taylor can arrange it if it will help."
Won't be needing that, thanks, they're coming to me already!
"I'll figure that part out on my own." He freezes with surprise.
"So, you'd consider it? Meeting one of them?"
"I don't know. Sometimes I think that part of my hang up about not meeting your needs is because I've got this idea that these women are somehow sub-human. Sex robots made for nothing but pleasure and here I am with chipped nails and real problems. On the flip side I'm angry for them. I feel like they sold themselves short but you tell me that's not the case and I want to believe that, I do, but I find it really hard. Call it feminism if you need to but I want to understand. I've heard your point of view on the lifestyle but I've never heard theirs." My head drops back. "I think it would help me feel less resentful towards you if I heard from them that they were on board with it all. I know, sounds nutty."
"Man you've got issues, Ana." He puffs out air, laughing at the end.
"I've got issues? God, Grey, you are an issue!" He pulls me tightly against him, crossing his arms over my chest in a firm grip that allows for no movement. In an instant his mood shifts and becomes serious, the lightness of a minute ago lost.
"Moving on. Did anyone of those guys see you without your shirt on?" Oh my god, this guy.
"Yes." His fingers dig into the flesh on my chest so hard it hurts.
"Did they kiss your breasts? Suck on them? Feel your pussy?"
"That's two questions so you'll have to wait." I could kill myself for ever bringing this up. Maybe I am a masochist.
"I can't, Ana. Please, I'm begging you tell me or I'll go fucking crazy." He sounds pained.
"Yes, Paul Clayton. But not my…daisy." He snorts but his fingers don't ease. "You're hurting me by the way." One by one he lessens his grip as if he has to tell each finger to let go.
"That pisses me the fuck off, Ana. These are mine. Mine and mine alone. If I ever see Paul fucking Clayton I'll rip his tongue out because he touched you with it."
"OK, that's just plain crazy considering all the shit you've done."
"It's different. You liked him, he liked you. It was done with emotion and affection. I never had that until you. I hate, hate that someone had you like that."
"Nobody had me like that, Christian. We fooled around once like that and when he tried to go further I stopped him because I didn't want to. I didn't want anything until you so relax."
"I can't. Damn it, Ana! It was so much easier when I didn't know. Fuck!" I shouldn't have said anything but in reality, the man would have eventually asked me and either way it would have gone over like a lead zeppelin. And really, a little boob play and the guy is a step from nuclear? Please.
"I'm sorry, I said it out of anger and I shouldn't have but that's really the worst of it. We can continue to talk about this but every time you bring it up, I will answer with, 'anal fisting'." He laughs, loud and boisterous, his hands holding onto my shoulders and I know that while he's not finished asking, he can at least see the ridiculousness of his jealousy. It's a small step in the right direction. Finally.
"Have you ever tried to find your birth father?" It's risky to ask this, especially after such a charged few days but I really want to know. He's talked about Ella a few times but never, not one time, has he mentioned his dad.
"No. She was a whore, Ana. It could have been any number of men, there is no way of knowing and even if there was, I don't want to know."
"I hate that you speak about her like that. She gave birth to you, Christian. She somehow kept you alive for four years, that has to count for something."
"Are you fucking kidding me right now? She was probably too stoned to get rid of me and once I was here, she had to feed me or she'd go to prison so no, I have no love for the woman and no respect for her so a whore is what she was and a whore is what I'll call her." My body shifts and turns to him.
"No love? At all? You feel no affection, no emotion for her at all?"
"I didn't say that. I have hatred, that's an emotion. I have resentment, that's an emotion. I have disgust, that's an emotion." His eyes are dark and angry and the rise and fall of his chest indicates the restraint he's using right now. He's come a long way in a few months but his mother is the root of his issues, anybody can see that.
"Let's drop it for now. Clearly you don't want to talk about it and I shouldn't have brought it up. I'm just trying to understand as much as I can about you." The pulse in his neck slows down, his eyes shut and reopen looking softer and less distant.
"My turn. Did you get wet when Clayton…touched you?"
"You are the most jealous person I have ever met." I giggle at him but he doesn't laugh. Instead his brows raise and his arms cross, splashing water on me in the process.
"You have no idea, Ana. None. The thought, the mere thought of someone touching you or seeing you makes me fucking crazy." I know of exactly one way to make him feel better so I do it.
With a small splash and a few swipes of my hands I clear away the suds and sit, my legs around his hips and lift my breasts to him. "Yours, Christian."
"Damn right they're mine." With a growl he latches on, pulling my hair back so that my neck is stretched as far as it will go. His sucks are rough and his bites are harsh but after a minute he stops, grins and grabs them with both hands. "Mine now, today, tomorrow, forfuckingever. Nobody else, Ana. Nobody else can ever see or touch or kiss these."
"OK." I give him my best submissive smile and lean back so that he can fully appreciate the view, his hands cupping water and pouring it over my chest as I think of my last question.
"Did you jerk off last night?" He laughs again, his head falling back, his hands stopping mid pour.
"No. But only because I didn't go to bed last night." My face falls and fills with concern.
"Not at all?"
"I couldn't." He shrugs and looks down, his hands falling to my waist.
"I'm sorry." It's a whisper but it's sincere. He sighs and looks at me, pulling me close enough to feel his stubble.
"Don't be sorry because you have to take a break from all the shit that is my life. I want you happy, Ana. Not getting sick and suffering with headaches and panic attacks. That fucking kills me. Kills me. You do whatever you have to do, all I ask is that you're safe doing it and that you always come back to me." He kisses me roughly, inhaling as he closes in. "Just please, please don't leave me. I can't go back to a life without you, I can't."
"I'm not going anywhere. I needed a break, I got one and now here I am, naked on your lap in our bathtub." His lips smile against mine and he nips my lower lip.
"Did you double click your mouse last night?" His voice lowers seductively. "All alone, in that hotel room, thoughts of me running through your head and over your hand. Come on, you can tell me." I giggle but I'm embarrassed even though nothing of the sort happened.
"No. You'll have to lend me that wand thing one of these days when you go away on business." My face is on fire I'm so embarrassed.
"No fucking way, baby. I want to be here when you get yourself off for the first time. You have no idea how much I want to see that." His legs shift so that his hard on hits me low. "God damn it just thinking about you, on that bed, naked and touching yourself has me ready to blow."
"How about me naked, on that bed, with you touching me instead?" I'm so not ready to talk about masturbation with him. He grins, wraps his arms around my body and sinks down, bringing us both underwater for a few seconds before sitting back up and wiping away the bubbles all over our hair and faces.
"Turn around, I need a little bit right now to hold me over." He growls and slaps a hand to my wet butt when I lift it out of the water to turn.
"Lean forward, ass out of the water, I want to see what's mine." Oh my god. I do as he says but he doesn't touch me. After a long minute I turn to look at him and watch, mesmerized as he strokes his own cock while he studies me. Holy shit, so hot, so so so hot and all mine.
"Gorgeous, Ana. So fucking perfect." One finger slides over my lower spine, down the crack of my ass and to the top of my slit. He leaves it there, still and barely pressing. "I can feel your heartbeat through your pretty little clit."His hand begins to stroke up and down but I face forward now, lost in the sensation of that one finger and the tiny ripples of the water where my breasts sway.
Slowly he pushes two fingers in and bends his thumb down to circle the bundle of nerves throbbing and hidden. I'm so close it's almost embarrassing. Being on display like this is a definite turn on for me.
"Does that feel good, baby?" I moan and grind back. "Again." He commands and I listen. I do it again and again and again until I'm gasping for air and moaning incoherently. More, I just want more. He's groaning behind me, the small sound of water splashing and the curl of his toes beneath my fingers indicating to me that he's still touching himself. So hot.
"Fuck, Christian, don't stop. Holy shit, I'm right there." My words become one long groan of yes as my body builds slowly. I've stopped moving but he's started, using three fingers to pump into me while his thumb continues to rub against the top of my sex. "Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop." It's a whispered plea that I can't stop saying until even talking is too much. My arms tremble beneath me and I come with a shriek, punctuated by his loud cries of 'fuck yeah'.
When it's over he withdraws and I start to turn but he stops me, his eyes glued to my sex while he furiously pumps his fist. One hand is splayed against my cheek and I watch him with fascination, lost in his own race to climax until his eyes roll back, his hand slows and he grunts my name. Streams of white liquid jet up onto his chest, long and thick and tempting. I want to taste that. Mine.
His legs jerk beneath me even after his arms have dropped to his side and only when I turn and run my tongue across a cum covered nipple do his eyes open. He tries to smile but he hisses instead when he sees what I'm doing.
"You're going to kill me one of these days, Ana." His head falls back as his hands reach for me. As quickly as I can I wash the remnants of his orgasm off of him and hit the drain with my toe. One eye pops open. "You'll kill me, but I'll die a happy man."
Showered and freshly shaven we get into bed naked. Christian props himself up on one hand, looking down at my naked chest not covered by the blankets as my hand caresses his face. I love to watch him shave but I do like him with a bit of stubble too. Hell, I just really like his face.
"I'd hate to shave my face everyday." He laughs and lifts the covers.
"I'd hate to shave my legs and my you know what every day."
"Don't you? Shave your balls?" We break out into giggles and he reaches into his night table, grabs the TV remote and lays it between us.
"I do, but that's common courtesy for you and takes a minute twice a week." So cute.
"I appreciate the time, baby. Thank you." He grins and falls onto his back, picking up the remote and pointing it at the opposite wall.
"I appreciate the time you put into your body." He hits a button and music begins to play from the surround sound. 'Something' by the Beatles floats in the room.
"It's truly a work of art. Somehow," his fingers trace from my collarbone to my hip, starting in the center of my throat and working their way out. "you've managed to be incredibly strong and athletic and still have curves that kill me. Your body is feminine perfection."
After a few more swipes the song changes to 'Be Without You' by Mary J. Blige and I sit up. "You like Mary J?" He looks surprised and holds his hand up.
"Guilty as charged." Naked or not, I stand and sing along to the song.
"I love her! Love her! Me and my friend Devin waited on line for three hours a few years ago to get tickets to her concert." He watches me dance above him, amused for a few minutes and then pulls me down on top of him, his warm hand splayed across my entire back.
"I can see that you like her. I love you, Ana, but a singer you are not." Like I didn't already know that.
"That bad?"
"I'd put up with it if you kept dancing around naked like that but I don't see a record deal in your future." We both laugh, his fingers tickling the skin on the back of my arms until Dan Fogelberg's 'Longer' comes on.
"Man, you have some eclectic tastes." His finger skates to my chin, raising it to kiss me softly.
"I have very singular tastes actually. You being the only one." His body shifts and he pulls me under him, my small soft flexible body against his large, hard sharp plains and screaming masculinity. "Let me make love to you, Ana. Let me worship you the way I want to, the way I should have two nights ago."
I want to correct him, remind him that I liked two nights ago and let him know that I want to be the one he comes to for all of his needs but I say nothing because I can't. The way his eyes hold mine, the way his body, so full of strength, cradles mine as if I were the most precious of things slays me.
There's so much more to talk about, so much more to understand and work through but it can all wait. This moment is for Christian and Ana and the chance to reconnect and to love and to just be. So I grab it with both hands and let it take me wherever it wants. Total trust.
He's shy at first, afraid to upset me and I now know why he chose to not have sex in the tub earlier. He was afraid I'd reject him. So strong yet so fragile.
"Love me, Christian." His body relaxes into mine with a sigh of relief.
With his kiss he speaks to me, not with words but with the tenderness of lovers that have known each other for a lifetime. With his hands he touches me with reverence, feeling not just the curves and dips but me, the soul that fills this skin. With his eyes he takes me in, lifting me onto a pedestal above all others. With his thrusts he fills me, not only physically but spiritually. He worships me with each undulation of his hips, with each press into my body, with each breath that falls from his lips and when my body fills with pleasure and collapses around him, he falls with me but still finds the strength to carry us both.