CHAPTER 15
Jane jumps off her bed startled by the sound of a glass shattering. Her hand automatically reaches for the gun at her side table and she slowly turns the door knob and heads down the hallway towards to source of the noise. The only light coming through is the nightlight on at the other end of the hallway. Faint sounds of feet shuffling in the kitchen wash away any lingering drowsiness and pull Jane wide awake.
She turns to the kitchen in swift motion pointing her gun at the frame crouched down on the floor. "Show me your hands!"
The figure turns around shocked and stumbles causing the pieces of glass in her hands to clatter to the floor and one particularly large one to lodge itself in her foot. "Jane!"
"Maura?"
Jane flicks on the light and Maura squints at her through narrowed eyes.
"Are you going to stop pointing that at me?"
Jane puts the gun down on the counter and crouches down in front of Maura. The blood trickling out of Maura's foot folds her forehead into concern. She gets up and hands the woman in the pink silk robe a towel.
"Don't pull it-" But before Jane can finish her sentence Maura has already pulled out the shard causing the blood to gush out.
"Relax. I'm the doctor here." Maura's words slur and Jane looks at her worried.
"Couldn't sleep?"
Maura doesn't look up at Jane. She inspects the wound intently and decides it doesn't need any stitches. "No." She fashions a bandage with the towel so her blood doesn't stain everything and carefully positions her hands to give her a boost off the floor.
Jane reaches out with a hand, but Maura pulls herself up.
"Go to sleep, Jane."
"I can't see you like this."
"Even more reason for you to go back to your room."
"Maura please just talk to me."
"What do you want to talk about, Jane?" Maura spits out the words.
Jane has seen many shades of this woman over the years that she has known her. She knows happy Maura. She knows sad Maura. She knows heartbroken Maura. She knows grieving Maura. She thought she know all the things she possibly could. Except she has never come across broken Maura before. This Maura spends her day at the office pretending everything is fine and her nights drinking an assortment of liquor and wine. Sometimes Jane walks into her room to find Maura curled up into her closet with the lights off. Sometimes she finds her perfectly normal like nothing ever happened. Sometimes they both pretend the nights never happen. She rarely ever finds her crying though. These days the woman leaning against the counter has two primary shades: angry and pretending. Jane is prepared to deal with either or both for as long as she has to.
"I want to help you, Maura."
"You can't help me."
"Let me look at that for you." She motions to her foot.
"I can take care of it. Doctor" She points to herself.
"Okay at least let me get the bandages. Sit down."
Jane makes her way inside before Maura nods. When Jane returns Maura is sitting as instructed, waiting for her. Jane unfolds the towel and dabs the wound clean. Maura does not protest and allows Jane to work.
"I can't get it out of my head. I am trying. I am trying so hard, Jane."
"I know you are, Maur. But you gotta keep trying, okay."
"I'm tired."
Jane nods. She understands the tired has nothing to do with the sleepless nights or the long days. The tired is something that has seeped into Jane's soul as well. It is something that shows no signs of leaving anytime soon.
"Come on." Jane gives her a hand, "Let's get you back to bed."
Maura lets Jane lead her to her bedroom. She slips under the covers, but holds onto Jane's hand. Jane nods and follows her onto the bed.
"I promise I will keep you safe."
A silence settles in where Jane stares at the ceiling and Maura lies with her eyes closed. When enough time passes that Jane feels Maura is asleep she starts to edge off the bed. Maura does not open her eyes, but her words freeze Jane in place.
"So Caitlyn?"
"What about her?"
"I saw you head over to the Dirty Robber with her yesterday."
"Yeah, we met up for a drink."
"She seems charming."
"That she is."
Maura runs circles over Jane's hand with her thumb.
"It is okay if it is more than a drink, Jane."
Jane does not dare to turn and face the other woman. This feels like permission. But permission would imply there was something here to leave. Permission would imply Maura is letting her go. And right now, sharing a bed with this beautiful woman Jane wants to be held on to forever.
"She is a woman."
"She is."
Jane turns to face her. She tries to read her eyes, but Maura's eyes give away nothing. She keeps staring anyway. Neither of the pair pulls away their gaze.
Jane is taken by equal parts shock and wonder when Maura leans forward and her lips brush against Jane's. It only lasts a brief second, but Jane remains frozen in place long after. Maura pulls back and lets her head rest on the pillow a few inches away.
She isn't sure if she has let go of her breath. She isn't sure if she wants to. After all, this moment could shatter and she could wake up to find it has only been a dream. Jane holds her breath for as long as she can, but by the time she lets go Maura's eyes are already closed and this time she is asleep.
The sun rises with Jane Rizzoli pacing back and forth in front of Maura's bed, her eyes weary, but her posture alert. When Maura rubs her eyes open and squints at the clock to look at the time Jane turns to face her.
"Why are you awake so early?"
"You mean so late."
"Okay. Why are you awake so late, Jane?" Maura sits up straighter. "Is everything alright?"
"Last night?"
"Oh the kitchen is still a mess. Don't worry I'll take care of it."
"Maura, are you kidding me?"
"I'm sorry." Maura's voice is barely above a whisper, "I will try and cut back on the drinking. I promise, Jane. I am also sorry about my behavior towards you. It would appear I am not pleasant when I overindulge in alcohol."
"Maura," Jane's words fall away when she realizes Maura does not remember where the only thing Jane can remember is the ghost of Maura's soft lips against hers.
"Did I do something I don't recall?"
Jane pauses and Maura stares expectantly with raised eyebrows.
"You told me to go for it with Caitlyn."
"Oh," Maura nods. "She seems like a wonderful woman. You should."
"You sure about that?"
"Did I do something embarrassing, Jane?"
Jane knows she will probably kick herself later for not brining this up, but she doesn't want to rock the boat and end up causing it capsize. She runs a finger over her lips.
"Nothing"
Maura eyes her skeptically, but lets it go.
Jane leaves early for work and Maura stays behind. She doesn't change out of her robe, instead heads to the kitchen to pour another cup of coffee before getting to work sorting out the mess she left behind the night before. She gathers the stray shards of the broken wine glass and discards them appropriately. She mops the floor with more vigor than is necessary and then she flings the mop across the kitchen.
Maura takes a deep breath. She doesn't like these new changes to her personality. She enjoyed being a happy person. She enjoyed life. She enjoyed living. She enjoyed going to work. She enjoyed coming home and watching terrible movie with Jane. She enjoyed waking up and having breakfast with the Jane. She enjoyed the little things and the big things. Only now nothing seems to be able to pierce through the thick layer of anger than has encased her. Dr. Janz helps, but even she can only do so much. Maura has never let anything get to her like this before, but she supposes the PTSD attached to spending 67 days in captivity is something that could throw off anyone.
She closes her eyes and sees Jane's face as she pulls away from the kiss. She replays it over and over until she has exhausted every possible outcome of telling Jane why she did it. None of them seem like they will turn out well. Maura is not the same woman who went into that basement. Jane deserves more than someone who can barely pull themselves together and Maura fears that she could never again be that person. So instead she sips her coffee and thinks about Caitlyn Lance in Jane's arms.
Reasons why mind reading would be really cool, yeah?