Notes:

Oh hello!

Ok, Ok. I know I took a bit to upload the second chapter of this story. BUT. Hear me out. There were extenuating circumstances. I had the chapter written and ready before I posted the first one, but then I read it over and I was all like "JK, LOL, BRB with a new chapter." So, that took a bit.

Plus plus PLUS, I work for a not for profit as their In-Kind Donations person. That means that the month of December is a certain kind of hell for me at my job. I'm basically buried in stuffed animals and clothing and toys for the whole month.

The point is, I got it done, okie doke? January is my "relief month" so I will be able to update frequently.

ALSO. Thanks so much for all the positive feedback! I'm glad to see people following the story. Makes my heart swell like the Grinch's!

There is smut in this chapter. A tiny little bit of it. No, it's not Clexa smut. Deal with it, yo.

I forgot to say this last chapter, but it applies to the whole story:

I don't own The 100. Any of it. I just like it a lot.

If you don't understand the title of this chapter or the story itself, look at the notes on the first chapter.

OHHHHH. And to the person who yelled at me via messaging about my Harry Potter fanfic being on the backburner: I am sorrrrrrrrrrrrrry. So so sorrrry. It will get updated at some point. The 100 just won't stop banging around in my head for the moment.

Kthnxbye!

3
Dia

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

She had made the wrong decision.

Actually, she had made several wrong decisions since the Skaikru people had crashed so violently into her planet.

Cursing under her breath, Lexa continued to pace the floor of her planning room, wishing for what felt like the thousandth time that the Sky People had stayed up in space where they belonged. Life had been simple before they came; before she came. It had been bloody and it had been short, but it had been simple. Finally allowing herself to plop down unceremoniously into the chair at the head of a long and battered table, her gaze fell to it's weathered surface. Several maps were strewn across it, and looking over them gave her an instant headache. Lexa firmly massaged her temples, willing the frustration and tension in her body to disappear. Every mistake that she had made in the past year had been for the survival of one person, and it truly puzzled her.

They had told her that the Heda's spirit had chosen her, and that with it came the cold callousness of one who has to make life and death decisions. She had easily slid into her role as the Commander, barely blinking when making said decisions, never flinching when they benefitted the many while killing the few. She had never balked, hesitated, or questioned herself until Clarke. She had loved Costia. Of that she was sure. Even now, her throat tightened when she thought her name. What she felt for Clarke, though…

It was different. And it was her first mistake.

It had caused her to forge an alliance with the Skaikru, a people she knew little about that had set three hundred of her warriors ablaze. It had caused her to betray Clarke and her people.

Closing her eyes, she remembered what she had said to Clarke. I made this choice with my head and not my heart. As she let the words she had spoken reverberate inside of her skull, Lexa felt the anger that had built up in her over the past six months prickle up her spine. She had lied. She had made a choice with only her heart, to save Clarke's life as well as the lives of Lexa's own people.

Thinking about the one who had offered her the deal at Mount Weather, her hands twitched, as if they still wanted to reach out and strangle the life from him. He had told her that she could have everything that she wanted. She had scoffed at this, ready to have one of her guards cut him down where he stood until he started to speak again. He had told her that he would release all of their people; that he would leave them alone in the future. But it was his next words that stopped Lexa in her tracks.

He had told her that if she did not accept his terms; if she and the rest of the Grounders did not leave the mountainside; that he would put a price on Clarke's head and he would personally make sure the girl would not make it out of this fight alive. He had said that even if the Grounders and theSkaikru managed to win the battle, Clarke would most certainly be lost. If she accepted, he would insist that Clarke not be killed, and he would not bleed her. He would spare her life and those of Lexa's own people for her betrayal.

She had never felt such hate before. It ran through her veins and into her heart as she stared at his smirking face, and her hand had tightened on the hilt of her sword. When Costia had been taken, the Az Kwin, Nia, had sent word of a deal. She would spare Costia's life in exchange for Lexa's deference to her. Lexa had known that to bow to the Ice Queen would be to subject all of her people to the cruel ways of the Ice Nation. She knew it meant death and destruction of the Coalition she had been fighting so hard to create. She had sacrificed Costia for her people, and the pain she had felt behind her eyes and in her gut when Costia's head was sent to her in a basket had been unimaginable.

She would not do it again. She could not do it again.

Lexa pressed her fists to her eyes, as if she could block the flood of images from running through her mind. At least once a day since she had simultaneously betrayed Clarke and saved her life, she had replayed the events of that day without fail.

She would watch herself, as if looking on from a distance, as she opened her own mouth and accepted the Mountain Man's deal. She would watch as she tramped back towards Clarke, as she stopped the fight, as she betrayed her. She would listen as she explained to Clarke that she had done this for the lives of her own people. Worst of all, she would watch as she turned her back on Clarke and walked away.

Lexa had gone back to her tent that night and destroyed almost everything inside. She had ripped maps, overturned tables, smashed chairs, and even let a few tears fall down her face though she would never admit that to anyone. She had punched the large wooden beam in the center of her living tent that served as a part of its support system until it was covered in blood from her chewed-up knuckles.

Launching out of her chair, she resumed her pacing once more, flexing her scarred hands before clasping them behind her back. She could see now how her decisions and following actions to solve a problem had only created another in its wake. Forming an alliance with the Skai Prisa had angered the Mountain Men and had caused the deaths at TonDC. Saving Clarke's life from the missile had obviously tipped off the Mountain Men that she might care for Clarke, making her valuable. Taking the deal with the Mountain Men had kept Clarke alive, but had taken her from both Lexa and Clarke's own people. It had forced Clarke to do whatever it was she had done in Mount Weather to cause all of the Mountain Men to die, which in turn caused her current situation.

When Lexa had received word from the scouts she had left behind at Mount Weather that the Sky People had defeated the Mountain Men and had gotten their people back, she had felt relief. It had meant her people would be safe and they might trust her again. Many had thought her decision to take the deal had been foolish, as they had also thought that the Mountain Men would break their alliance like Lexa had.

The relief, however, was short-lived. News that the Mountain Men no longer posed a threat spread to the twelve clans from those who had come to fight with them, and she soon heard reports that the Ice Nation was mobilizing troops and building massive stores of weapons. It seemed that the Nia had decided that now was the perfect time to fight her way out of the Coalition.

Stopping her pacing in front of the maps showing Nia's encroaching forces, Lexa slammed her fists down on the table in frustration, blinking rapidly. She had been right about one thing. Love was definitely weakness, and she refused to be weak anymore.

Lexa glared at Clarke's mother, her hands clasped behind her back as she surveyed the woman in front of her. What was it about the Griffin women that made all of her careful and precise control begin to unravel?

"You would be stupid not to align yourselves with us." Lexa stated, trying hard to keep her voice from wavering with the heat of her anger. She had allowed this woman to talk at her for a lengthy amount of time, and her small amount of patience was fast disappearing. Abby however, did not seem to notice this. She was looking back at Lexa with a fierce expression of dislike, her delicate healer's hands balled into angry fists at her sides. For a brief moment, her stance reminded Lexa of Clarke so much that she felt a dull ache in her chest, but she pushed the feeling down with a brief mental reminder of no more weakness.

"I think most people would say that it would be stupid to strike another alliance with someone who had broken the last one within the last year!" Abby spat at her, all venom and razors in her voice.

Lexa just watched her calmly, holding her hand up when Indra stepped forward, the warrior's breath coming out in sharp grunts in her want to defend her commander. The Sky People's haughtiness and unwillingness to see past their own upturned noses would be their downfall if they didn't learn some humility.

"You are right to be angry, Abby of the Sky People, but you will respect me still." Lexa got out through gritted teeth, her head held high and her war-painted gaze never leaving Abby's.

"I have done what I must to save my own people. If you accept this deal, you will become my people, my responsibility." Lexa explained slowly, as if saying it at such a pace would somehow help Abby to understand what she was saying.

"Like the lives of the people at TonDC were your responsibility? They were your people, were they not?" Abby breathed, her barely constrained fury poking through her words to jab at Lexa. It was then that the Commander felt her own anger spilling over, and she stepped towards the reckless woman.

"You have no right to judge." Lexa bit out quietly, trying to calm the tremors in her hands. "Were not the 100 your people, and children at that? Was not one of them your own daughter? Do not lay blame in the same place where your own blame lies. We have both killed some to save others. The only difference is that I acknowledge this about myself and you do not. I am offering you a way to make sure those lives you have taken were not lost in vain. I am offering you survival."

Lexa was now only a few paces from the haughty leader, and she could see the panic rising from behind the defiance that was lashing in Abby's eyes.

"You are not the only Grounder leader who has sent a message to us." Abby said, as if this was would be new and surprising information to Lexa. "The Ice Queen sent a messenger less than a week ago. He told us that she would kill us. That she would slaughter us if we did not join her against you and the other clans. We have women with child among us now. We are not all soldiers or fighters. We are people who lived our entire lives circling above you. How do you expect me to take this choice? It's like choosing between drowning or dying of thirst. We are the only ones who won't win no matter what we choose!"

Abby was on edge, her voice teetering as if high on the cliff that she saw Lexa's offer as, with her only move being to pitch forwards to a certain death. Lexa stayed quiet for a moment, choosing her next words carefully. Truthfully, she needed the Sky People and their technology. She needed their bodies. The Ice Nation was large and brutal. She had the support of all but one of the other Grounder clans, but the choice that the Sky People were to make could change the tide of the coming war.

"I do not disagree. It is a choice that no one would wish to take. However, if I was in your place, I would choose those not threatening to slaughter my people in revenge." Feeling that she had said everything she could, she nodded once at Abby.

"I will leave now. Please give Indra your decision before sundown tomorrow. I hope you choose wisely."

With that, Lexa turned to stride out of the room, wishing to rid herself of the pushy woman as soon as possible. She was stopped though, by Abby's voice free of all the fight it had been brimming with earlier. Now, she just sounded tired.

"I haven't seen her in six months."

Lexa felt her shoulders stiffen, and she paused, her back still towards Abby. Her stomach churned with emotion, and no matter how hard she tried to tamp it down and remind herself to be strong, it continued to roll and toss.

"Neither have I." Lexa responded quietly before she pushed her way past Indra and out of the Ark.

Lexa fucked women like she waged war – hard, fast, and without apology. Everything was calculated, mapped out and understood. It was always slightly mechanical, and she was always in charge; the Commander mask always firmly in place even in her most intimate of moments. She never spent the night, they never came to her home or tent, and she never felt completely satisfied afterwards.

She watched as the girl below her arched her back, sweat rolling down her forehead as she cried out in desperation. She was beautiful, whoever she was, and for tonight, she would be enough. Lexa's gaze fell to the sheet of light-colored hair that was splayed out widely underneath the girl's head, and for a moment, everything went a little fuzzy and it was her body moving jerkily below her and her voice calling out Lexa's name in sharp little grunts and gasps. A small whine exited Lexa's body at the thought, and she sped up her motions ever so slightly, causing the girl to arch her back again, this time actually calling out beja, beja, beja Heda.

Lexa had always liked to alternate between going fast and taking her time. She wanted to make them beg for it, to ask them to say such dirty things because of how those words sounded tumbling out of such innocent looking lips. For those long moments, she was never thinking about death or the planning of it. She could be lost in the sounds and the sweat and the wet motion. Tonight, she needed to forget the Az Kwin and the destruction the coming war would bring.

With the wrong name caught deep in her throat, Lexa kissed up the girl's neck and buried her nose in her hair, breathing in. It was then that she noticed that the yellow of the girl's hair was just a little too brassy, and her voice just a little too high, and all of the sudden it was wrong, she was wrong and all Lexa wanted was for it to be over. So she touched in just the right places, said just the right things, and watched dully as the girl beneath her came apart for her in screams and bucks.

Then reality was back, and she remembered the things she had done and the things she would still do, and she didn't even say a word as she rolled off the girl and stood to dress. She left the girl with a singular nod and question's dying on the blonde's swollen and chapped lips, striding out the door and past her guards. They each positioned themselves on either side of her as she strode towards her home in Polis, and Lexa felt the weight of the world slipping back onto her strong shoulders.

Abby had eventually agreed to her deal, and Lexa had sent out a call for healers a few weeks back. Abby and the other Sky People who were trained in medicine had come to Polis in order to teach these healers what they knew and the Grounders did not. They would need skilled healers at every front line if they were to survive the coming war. They had been pouring into the city every day of the past week, and tomorrow, she was to meet with Abby about the training. She needed her sleep to deal with the often impossible woman.

Once in her room, Lexa stripped for the second time that night, only this time, she took the knife strapped to her thigh off and placed it on the low table next to her wood-frame bed. Her guards had been stationed outside of the door the entire time she was with the girl, but she hadn't survived this long by depending on others to keep her alive. The only time she took off that particular knife was when she was home and ready to sleep, but she kept another strapped to the inside of her arm always, even when bathing. Once buried under the patched blankets and furs that covered the bed, Lexa spent the rest of the night sleepless, convincing herself that she was stronger this way. Alone.

Skaikru - Sky People

Heda - Commaner

Az Kwin - Ice Queen

Beja - Please ;)

Notes:

Whoooooo.

Lexa is a top, who would've guessed? (insert eye roll here)

Please comment and all that. I do like to know if you don't like something, as long as you say it politely. Let me know what you think