CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
You'll like this.
When Jane comes back home the house is dark and silent. Maura has already gone to bed and the only thing she can hear is the 2 am creaking of the night. She puts down her keys on the counter and opens the fridge for a cold glass of water. The smile that has been on her face all evening is still drawn on. She likes Caitlyn. But that doesn't come as a surprise to the detective because Caitlyn is the kind of person everyone likes. What does hit her is that she actually likes her. Likes kissing her. Likes laughing with her. Likes spending time with her.
Jane picks up her things and heads to her own room. The light entering the hallway from the crack under Maura's door makes Jane stop in her tracks. Maura either forgot to turn it off or is still wide awake. And Jane knows Maura never forgets things like turning off the lights. She shouldn't feel this guilty but the mucky feeling flooding her gut is not concerned with what she should or should not be feeling. She turns away from the source of her discomfort and walks into her own room. She drops her coat on the floor and meets the comfy bed on her back.
The night is long and restless. Jane cannot keep Caitlyn off her mind, but even as she thinks of the woman who claims to actually like her, guilt swarms her gut. The feeling of betraying both Maura and Caitlyn is enough to keep Jane tossing and turning. She likes Caitlyn, she really does and with her it is easy and fun, but how can she be with someone else when her heart and soul already belongs to another? Jane raises every question she has ever had about her feelings until exhaustion finally claims her.
Morning arrives much too soon for Jane's liking and is accompanied by the sounds of Angela cooking breakfast. Jane drags herself to the source of the ruckus to find Maura already sipping on her coffee engaged in a conversation with her mother.
"Jane we didn't see you come in last night and I tried to stay up." Angela creases her eyebrow into a question. "Did you have a good time?"
Maura whispers something under her breath that neither of the other two women catches.
"I did." Jane smiles. "You seemed to be up late too, Maura."
"I had some reading to finish."
"You shouldn't work yourself too hard, Maura. Reading in the middle of the night?" Angela voices Jane's question, but with less incredulity.
Jane falls silent taking the plate Angela hands her. She sits down next to Maura and pushes a piece of egg back and forth.
"Alright, girls. I will see you at work."
Angela picks up the purse off the counter and heads out the door leaving an awkward silence, the first in a long time, to settle between the pair left behind.
"Did it go well?" Maura asks a few minutes after the door has shut behind Angela.
Jane nods. "Yes."
"Maybe I could meet her sometime?"
Jane raises her eyebrows in panic, "I don't know, Maur..."
"Maybe when you're ready."
"Yeah, maybe."
Jane toys with the scrambled eggs on her plate and doesn't make any move to reach for her coffee. She looks at Maura from the corner of her eye every now and again, but the words bursting to slip out are restrained by the feeling of doom creeping around her gut. Maura slowly finishes up her breakfast and stands up to clear the dishes.
When Maura has her back to Jane she finally dares to ask the nagging question. "Are we okay?"
"Why wouldn't we be?" Maura turns with a curved eyebrow. Her breath is uneven and on any other day Jane would have seen it right away, but today Jane is a bit unsure about everything herself.
"I didn't want to bring it up because you were drunk and you probably didn't mean it. But I need to know if it was a thing?"
The pounding inside Maura's chest thuds louder than any drum she has ever heard and the illogical part of her is surprised that Jane can't actually hear it without the assistance of a stethoscope.
"What are we talking about?" She says carefully stringing together the words.
"You know" Jane shrugs.
Maura gulps. But for the first time in a few days Jane holds firm in front of the other woman. "I don't want to speculate, Jane."
"You kissed me."
Maura lets go of a breath she didn't realize she was holding. Her lips curve into an O and she can barely hold Jane's piercing gaze. "That." She curls and uncurls her fingers in an attempt to give herself something to do.
"That." Jane nods standing up to move closer to the other woman. "What was it?"
"A drunken mistake, of course." Maura is quick to reply and Jane is startled by the blow of the words.
Jane's mouth dries up as she backs away. "Right, of course." Her grip on the counter has turned her knuckles white, but she stands steady. "Well, I should leave then."
Jane turns around, her heart pacing and her throat suddenly dry, and Maura's hand reaches to scratch the hives breaking out over her skin.
"Good morning, detective." Caitlyn smiles as she brings her arms around Jane. Her lips graze the taller woman's. She leans in close enough to Jane's ear for her warm breath to send a shiver down her spine. "Maybe we'll pick this up after your shift?"
Jane nods with a strained smile plastered over her mouth. "Yeah."
Caitlyn raises her eyebrow, but before she can voice her question Korsak comes in and Jane pulls away faster than she would have run out of a burning house. She waves a quick goodbye and walks away as fast as she can.
"Since when is that a thing?" Korsak raises his eyebrows following Jane toward the bullpen.
"It isn't. She's not- We're not- Just let it go, Korsak."
He raises his hands with a smile drawn over his face. He only wants the young woman to be happy, but he knows Jane well enough to know how prone to running away she is. If she even feels like she is being cornered, especially about something like this, she will bolt.
"They have something for us down there, mind going to take a look at it?"
Jane sighs. It is not as if she expected to hide, but it was only two hours ago that she had her heart stomped over. "Sure." The word comes out strangled, but Korsak takes it.
Jane heads to the lift as slowly as she possibly can. She wants to drag out this moment to drown out that moment in the kitchen. She pushes the button down with dread swarming her gut. She should have just let it go. She should never have probed and prodded, broached something that could only have been a drunken mistake.
The lift doors part and Jane can hear faint voices of Maura and Suzie engaged in a debate at a distance. She walks towards the source and the conversation dies down just as she is spotted by Maura. She exchanges pleasantries with Suzie before pausing to look at Maura. Something feels off. She just doesn't know if it is because of the conversation they had earlier and if the feeling will ever go away. She could get into it, ask Maura if they are okay, but before she can even consider it Caitlyn comes around the corner heading straight towards her and Jane silently chides herself for standing so close to the only way up.
"Hey," Caitlyn smiles as if Jane's heart is not pounding a mile a minute. "You following me, Rizzoli?" She doesn't wait for a reply. "Nice to see you again, Dr. Isles." She extends an arm and Maura shakes it.
"Maura is fine. If you are dating my best friend, you call me Maura."
Suzie raises her eyebrows.
"Maura it is."
Silence drifts in, with the only sound shuffling of feet.
"You could cut the tension in here with a knife. Who died?" Caitlyn attempts to break the silence.
Maura raises her eyes to meet Jane's and Suzie breaks the awkward haze with a forced chuckle.
"We should go." Jane points towards the morgue.
Caitlyn nods, but Jane doesn't wait for any goodbyes. Maura leads the way and Jane follows her. She holds her breath until the morgue doors close behind her.
Suzie measures Caitlyn, looking her up and down and then smiles, understanding dawning on her. "I'm Suzie."
"Caitlyn Lance."
"You're dating detective Rizzoli?"
"A little"
"A little?"
"We just started going out."
Suzie cringes. "At least you're not another beard." She whispers under her breath.
"What was that?"
"Good luck. Her men, or well partners, don't tend to last long."
"I have a feeling I know why."
"Do you, really?"
"Are they actually a thing or do they just not know it yet?"
"I think they're pretty oblivious."
Caitlyn nods, a rueful smile on her face. "Figured as much. Thank you, Suzie."
Jane paces back and forth as Maura arranges her findings.
Maura puts down the notebook in her hand and sighs. She bites her lip and closes her eyes. "I am so sorry, Jane."
"I can't do this anymore, Maura."
Maura turns around to face her and finds Jane staring at her intently. She knows this look well. It is when Jane has decided to do something and nothing in the world will make her change her mind about it, but Maura is going to try anyway. "Jane-"
"I can't play games." Jane cuts her off, "I can't pretend I don't feel the things I do."
"Please don't." Maura's voice is low but audible. Jane chooses to ignore it.
"I love you, Maura." Jane steps closer to her and all Maura wants to do is shrink and disappear. "I am in love with you. Have been for as long as I can remember."
So? We've made progress, haven't we?
What does Maura do?