CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Jane stands with her back straight and her eyes never leaving Maura's, but Maura takes a step back and looks away.
"I can't, Jane, I can't." The crack in Maura's voice is painful to hear, but Jane refuses to back down. Not when she has come this far. But the only thing keep Maura upright is her fiercely tightened grip on the metal table.
"You can't what, Maur?"
"I can't do this."
Jane nods. "I understand. You don't have to share my feelings."
Maura sighs. This is getting worse by the second and all she wants to do is turn off all the lights and crawl into a small space so she can breathe.
"You deserve more than this, Jane. So much more."
"Let me choose what I deserve."
"It isn't me."
Jane takes a step back. Maura loosens her grip, but her hands tremble with a fear that has nothing to do with her feelings for Jane. She was always ready for this moment to come change their relationship, but now she is not herself anymore, and the person standing in her skin does not belong with Jane. Her constantly self-destructing self cannot be allowed to touch Jane that way.
"You like Caitlyn, you can be happy with her."
Jane nods. "I guess I don't have a choice. I can't change the way you feel. Perhaps it is best that I find another place to stay."
Maura's eyes go wide. She should have seen it coming. "You don't have to do that. You are more than welcome to stay at my place for as long as you like. We are still friends, Jane."
"I need time to be friends."
Maura nods. "I'm sorry."
"Me too."
Jane offers a half-hearted smile before she leaves the morgue. She pushes the elevator button, the door open and she stands there. She never did get what she came down for. Jane grits her teeth and turns back towards the morgue. She isn't going to let her relationship with Maura interfere with her work, but that doesn't make it any easier to push the door open.
She finds Maura on the floor with her cheeks wet and her eyes wide in surprise as she looks at Jane. Maura quickly wipes away the moisture with the sleeve of her lab coat. She doesn't care if it doesn't look seemly to be wiping her face with her clothing. She isn't going to let Jane see this. Well, she can't really change that anymore.
"Hey," Jane kneels down in front of Maura. She takes Maura's hand in her own. Maura looks at Jane and sees how much the other woman is holding together in the glint of her eyes and she can't keep it together anymore. The tears escape without her consent and Jane pulls Maura in for a hug. "We'll be okay, Maura. I promise. We will be fine."
"I feel broken, Jane. Nothing I do feels right anymore."
"You are not broken. You are perfect. You will always be perfect."
"I don't know, Jane, I don't know. I don't see me here anymore, it feels like I am an imposter standing at the edge of my conscience and I don't want to breathe."
"Listen to me. What you went through, most people don't survive. Others survive the terror and then they don't make it in the world after. I'm not going to let that happen to you. You can't let that happen to you, okay? You are needed here. I need you."
"I'm sorry, Jane."
"Sssh, it's okay. You'll be okay."
"Why did you come back?"
"Report on the case. Korsak said you had something, but I can come back later. It's okay."
"No. This is important."
"Maura, maybe you need a minute."
Maura starts to protest but realizes she does actually need to gather herself and she can't do that with Jane right there. She nods.
"I'll be back."
Jane leaves Maura in the morgue and heads back to the bullpen. She sits idling at her desk mulling over thoughts and over thinking feelings while toying with a pencil between her fingers.
"What did they have?" Korsak comes over to her desk after a while has passed.
Jane stares at him for a second still waiting for her train of thought to collapse. "Morgue. Right. They'll get back to me in a little while."
Korsak raises his eyebrows.
"Everything alright?"
Jane smiles and nods and he knows enough to walk away. "Find me when you have something, I have a feelings he's going to run."
Jane nods again.
She gets up to go grab a cup of coffee downstairs to find a lively chat going on between her mother and Caitlyn.
"Hey, Janie come on over." Angela waves, "We were just talking about you."
"Were you? Good things, I hope?"
Caitlyn smiles. "Of course."
"We need to talk." Jane's voice is low with a tinge of hesitation.
"I figured."
Angela raises her eyebrows. She pours Jane a cup and leaves the pair alone.
"I really like you, Caitlyn. You're something special."
"Cut to the chase, Rizzoli."
"I can't be with you."
Caitlyn nods seemingly unaffected. The air of cool and collected confidence that she always carries hangs around her. "So you and Dr. Isles? Did that happen?"
"How-"
"Are you insulting my intelligence?"
Jane looks away. Her throat is dry and all she wants is to go home- no not home, just somewhere she can be alone without Maura or Caitlyn or anything else.
"No, it did not. But I can't date you knowing I'm in love with someone else. I'm sorry."
"Thank you for at least being upfront about it."
"I really liked you, Caitlyn."
"I really liked you too, Jane." Caitlyn finishes the last of her soda. "I hope you get the girl."
Jane offers a nervous chuckle. "This is ridiculously civil." She is sure that if she sips her coffee it will not stay down.
"I'm not chasing a girl who so clearly belongs with someone else." Caitlyn stands up and brushes her shirt straight. "I'll see you around, Rizzoli."
Jane sits there watching her walk away. She has to go back to the morgue.