33.

"Hey, Livvie." Shrouded in dejection, Sarah stepped gingerly into the foyer as if she expected the floor to cave in at any second. She'd swept her hair into a messy bun and wore an oversized sweatshirt with leggings. "Sorry I missed Noey's game. I…I didn't feel like going out and, as you can probably tell, I still don't feel like going out."

Olivia opened the door wider. "Come in."

Sarah made her way to the kitchen island and pulled up a barstool. It was not yet eleven a.m., so Olivia only offered coffee. Sarah declined but quickly changed her mind. "I don't want to bother you on your day off," she mumbled.

Olivia held up the basket of K-cups, "What flavor do you want?"

"Just the regular. Not the dark stuff that Daddy likes."

Sarah let out a few exasperated breaths, buying time and hoping Olivia would take the reins of the conversation; however, she kept silent. Finally, Sarah mustered an apology. "Livvie, I'm so sorry. For everything. For making you keep that secret and then not being honest and showing up at the bar…and…just…everything. I'm so screwed up and I don't know how to fix it."

Olivia gave Sarah the mug. "Have you seen the therapist?"

"A couple times."

"You should go once a week."

Sarah quickly picked up Olivia's hardened demeanor and edgy tone, so she apologized again. "I really am sorry."

"Sarah, just don't ask me to keep anything from your father again," Olivia demanded, "It's…I'm not going to do that. My family is my priority, you included, but your Dad is my partner. Please don't ask me to do that again, because the answer will be no."

"I won't." Sarah looked around. "Where is Daddy?"

"He and Noah went to the supermarket and who knows where else."

"Did he get in trouble for hitting Bill?"

"Bill?"

Sarah's cheeks reddened, "Well, that's what I call, uh, called him. I'm not seeing him again, Olivia, I promise."

"You can see whoever you want."

Sarah scrunched up her face, "Yeah right," she said sarcastically. She then proceeded to tell Olivia everything she told her Dad at the bar. Dodds started out innocently nice and then switched gears to a domineering, smarmy old man who was looking for a pretty young thing to parade around at night. "I hope I didn't cause huge problems for you," Sarah said weakly.

"Everything's okay."

"Livvie, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"I wish I was you."

Olivia regarded her seriously, "Sarah."

"I do," she insisted, "You're…you're perfect."

"No…I am certainly not."

"Yes you are. You're a perfect wife and mother. You command SVU. You've…you've been through so much and here you are, loving everybody and being kind and good and…nothing has happened to me in my life. Nothing bad. And…look at me! I have everything, but I just can't, can't…I don't know what I want...in life."

"Sarah, I can help you, give you advice, with a lot of things, but…as far as knowing what you want? You have to figure that out on your own."

Sarah groaned, "I don't get it. Some of my friends, they're…married having their first kids, and I'm thinking…thank gawwwd that's not me. But that's so wrong."

"Why is it wrong? What's good and right and makes other people happy isn't what makes you happy." Olivia brushed a few loose strands of hair from her face and leaned across the counter, "I'm case in point. I became a cop. Not many women go into the field to begin with and even fewer make detective and move up the ranks. I spent the first half of my adult life doing that, Sarah, moving up the ranks, doing my job, believing in it…so much…that it became my life. And I was happy, or, more, I was content, I had purpose…and then…my boyfriend and I went our separate ways…but I still had the job, that's the thing, the difference between you and me, my career is part of me Sarah, and I don't think, because of the nature of what you do, it'll ever be part of you."

"What happened after you and your boyfriend broke up?"

"Not long after that, I got Noah. And my…center of gravity shifted….and it shifted again with your Dad. But, again, and we've talked about this a lot, right? What happened with me and your Dad is a one-in-a-million shot. If someone, fifteen years ago, would have told me this," Olivia waved her arms around, gesturing at their sprawling living area, "was going to happen, I wouldn't laughed in their face. But it just happened. And I think…I think maybe, when Dodds asked you out, you were forcing it, thinking, maybe this is so out of the box that it could be interesting and work. And I'm glad you found out sooner rather than later what his intentions are."

"After you got Noah, did you think…think you wanted to be married?"

Olivia smiled, "I've always wanted this, Sarah. But I knew, the older I got and, then, adopting Noah, that the chances of finding someone who wanted us were extremely low, so I didn't think about it much. I concentrated on being a good mother and being a good leader at work. Until your Dad and I started seeing each other. Even then, I didn't think it would be anything more than a casual thing." Sarah was going into swoon mode now and Olivia dialed back the drama. "But he surprised me. And here we are. But my point is…as long as it's taken me to get here, is that…you can't wait impatiently and not pay attention to anything else while you're trying to figure out your life. What you want isn't some object hidden in the distance, it…changes as you change. If you don't embrace what you have now, and live your life, you're never going to get a clear picture of who you are and what you want."

With tears rolling down her cheeks, Sarah rounded the island and hugged Olivia. "I love you, Livvie," she whimpered, sniffling.

"I love you, too, sweetheart."

….

Olivia plopped Noah in the tub and proceeded with an expedited bath routine. Noah and his Daddy did, indeed, hit the supermarket, but they also bought a Frisbee, practiced throwing it at the park, got ice cream, stopped to pet a neighbor's dog, and, finally, got back home. Sarah was gone by then, and Olivia inspected her boys with a critical eye.

"Bathtime," She said firmly.

Ed and Noah stood in front of her bearing identical innocent expressions.

Who? Us?

Olivia ran Noah's bathwater and started stripping him down. Ed came in and delivered a small glass of bourbon and whispered in her ear, "Naptime next, right?"

"Right," Olivia murmured, making sure her tone made Ed realize she understood his point.

She wrapped Noah in a towel and blew his hair dry, playfully shooting the air at his face every now and then and he giggled and squirmed, but, finally, he was dressed in cotton shorts and a t-shirt and ready for a nap.

"Okay, sweet boy, let's take a little rest," Olivia cooed, handing him the iPad, "You want a story?"

"No, Mommy, I see pic-tures."

"Which ones?"

"Da Ma'hattan ones. I drawed." Noah tapped the screen a few times and showed his mother his drawings, "See?"

"You want to look at them while you fall asleep?"

"Uh-huh. It Ma'hattan wiff black sky. See? Dis one!" Noah scrolled through the drawings and found one that was mostly black with white dots and lines streaking through.

"That's a good one, sweet boy!"

"It night."

"It is." Olivia kissed his forehead, "Okay, sweetie, take a little nap and we'll play more when you get up okay?"

"Kay, mommy. I tired."

"I'll bet. You played soccer and Frisbee and—"

"Daddy getted me da fr'bee."

"I know. Will you teach me how to throw it later?"

"Uh-huh." Noah wrapped his arms around his mother's head and giggled, "Mommy you silly."

"I'm silly?"

"Yep!"

"Okay, sweet boy. Night night. Here's Bernie. I love you."

"Lubbyou Mommy." Noah tucked Bernie partially under his head, turned so he was facing his iPad, and Olivia noticed his eyes already fluttering closed before she even left the room.

…..

Olivia stepped into the bedroom and Ed immediately captured her in a tight embrace.

"My turn," he rasped suggestively, kissing her neck.

She pretended to recoil a bit as they sauntered to their room, "I can tell you've…been outside."

"Well, let's clean me up, then, Lieutenant."

Ed walked them into the bathroom and started taking off his clothes. He was down to his underwear and frowned when he saw his wife wasn't reciprocating. "Shower, Liv," he insisted and wiggled his fingers, motioning for her to catch up to him.

"Sorry," she jerked her head, pretending to come out of a daydream, "I was…distracted," she put her hands on his bare chest and massaged his pecs, "You're so sexy, Captain."

"But I'm dirty, so, come on."

Olivia grinned and flung her t-shirt over her head.

"That's better."

Off came the bra.

"Even better."

Then her shorts and panties.

"Yessss." Ed backed up, still keeping his eyes on his naked wife, and started the shower. He tested the water and reached for her hand, "C'mere."

They fell into a deep kiss as the water pulsated over their bodies.

"I don't think it's normal," Ed rasped, talking and kissing her at the same time, "It's not normal to want someone as much as I want you, Liv." He grazed her neck and collarbone and then opened his mouth wide and suckled each breast. "I'm addicted to you baby," he continued, hearing her start to deepen her moans and wanting them to be louder and more intense. "Like, I'm out today, buying fucking bread. Bread, Liv. Bread!"

Olivia shook with laughter.

"And all I can think about is you and this, right now."

Olivia yelped as Ed moved his lips lower. "Did you get sweaty and gross on purpose?" She gasped, knowing, in a few minutes, forming words would probably be impossible.

"Maybe."

He planted careful kisses across her lower abdomen and buried his fingertips into her hips as he deliberately dragged his tongue between her legs.

"Oh, Goddddd."

Ed let out a smug chuckle. "Yeah, there you go, that's my girl."

Olivia threw her head back, crying out with pleasure. Ed had slung one of her legs over his shoulder and she kept herself from completely collapsing all of her weight on him by planting her hands on each side of the shower. She began thrashing as her orgasm loomed closer, and, for a second, Ed almost stopped, worried she would hit her head against the stone shower walls or the fixtures. Olivia felt his hesitation.

"Don't stop," she implored.

He didn't.

Shortly after, she was limp in his arms as she came down from her erotic orbit. Ed kissed her neck and shoulders gently, sweetly while she rested her head against his chest. They didn't stay that way long. Olivia felt his arousal against her, dropped her hands to his ass, and summoned the last of her energy.

"We're not done," she said in a husky voice and took a few steps backward to the shower bench where she propped herself up a bit to give Ed leverage. He dragged his fingers between her legs to make sure she really was ready for him and, reassured, slowly glided inside of her, suckling at her breasts as he moved in and out.

When they finished, they swayed together, sated, and let the water rain over them. Ed splayed his hands across her back protectively, massaging her, keeping her close. Several times, Olivia mentioned they should get out, dry off, the water was getting cold, Noah wouldn't sleep that long, but Ed only tightened his embrace.

"Just a few more minutes, Liv," he requested softly, "I love us like this."

…..

To Olivia and Ed's relief, the end-of-season team soccer party was a casual affair held at a casual burger joint and the team moms arranged for a few carnival games, face painters, and a guy who made animals out of balloons. Their private room was large enough for a makeshift stage, several round tables, and the children's area. Ed and Olivia sat side-by-side at their table watching Noah run around with his teammates. They hadn't spoken much to other parents all season other than obligatory hellos and goodbyes, and they followed suit today. They nodded, smiled, but made little effort to engage in further conversation.

When it came time to distribute certificates, Noah's young coach stood in front of the fifteen or so families and gave a little speech about how much he enjoyed coaching their kids and how he looked forward to seeing the kids grow and come back next season. He also plugged his own private coaching and personal training company which made Ed snort derisively and Olivia elbow him in response.

"Be nice," she mouthed.

Ed blinked at her innocently and she had to turn away. Otherwise, she would've burst into laughter at how a man in his mid-fifties could appear so childlike when reprimanded.

The coach called the kids up one by one in alphabetical order, and they each accepted their certificate and medal. When Noah's turn neared, Olivia took the camera and moved to where she would have a better angle to shoot a few photos. Noah patiently waited in line. He occasionally looked at Ed and then noticed his mother off to the side with the camera. She smiled and waved and he returned the gestures before he heard his name called.

"And now we have, Noah! Noah Tucker! Come up here, pal! Noah, buddy, you're a super hard worker and you scored, how many? Five goals this year! Wow! Congratulations!" The coach shook Noah's little hand, gave him the certificate, and looped the medal around his neck. Olivia snapped away as Noah followed the rest of his teammates to where another parent was lining them up for a group photo. Olivia wiped tears from her eyes as Noah followed directions and stood shoulder-to-shoulder with another boy. He'd just had a haircut and he looked older, wise, assured, and right when Olivia felt her first pang of longing for his quickly passing childhood, he looked over, saw her blow him a kiss, and he immediately returned it, much to her delight.

The coach said a few more parting words, and concluded the ceremony.

Noah bounded over to his parents, "Lookit!" He held out the medal and the certificate.

Ed grinned, "That's great, bud! We'll put this in a frame, okay? And we'll hang it on your bedroom wall!"

"Great idea," Olivia cooed. "Hey, let's get a few more pictures before we go." Olivia posed Noah with Ed then traded spots with her husband. The coach came over for one last handshake and offered to take one of the three of them. Ed gladly handed over the camera. Noah stood between his crouched parents, proudly holding his certificate in one hand and the medal in another while his parents beamed at his sides.

….

"Tucker, you okay?"

Cole was in the middle of an IAB story. Initially, Ed followed along and his facial expressions and snickers matched the details, but, suddenly, his former partner's eyes drifted around aimlessly.

"Yeah, yeah," Ed snapped back to attention, "I'm fine. Sorry. Just thought about something."

Cole wrapped up the story and changed the subject to summer plans, "Using any vacation time?"

Ed signaled for another drink. "I think so, Liv, uh, we talked about maybe goin' out west, Yellowstone?"

Cole raised his eyebrows, "That sounds different."

"Whole thing's different, Cole." Ed took a contemplative sip, "Whole damn life, man."

"I know. How ya likin' it over there at CIU?"

Ed shrugged, "Some of it's interesting."

"Think ya made the right move?"

"I think so," Tucker replied, "It's just…I kinda miss goin' for the kill ya know? This job, it's, I'm not sure it's me. It's more Liv."

"You can always come back."

Ed let out a sarcastic chuckle, "I don't think so."

"Look, Tucker," Cole made sure he looked him in the eye, "You and I both know the reason you left is only part of the reason you left. 'Course you're gonna miss it; you were in IAB for a long time."

"CIU's not that much different," Ed replied, sounding like he was trying to convince himself as much as he was trying to convince Cole, "Not as intense though."

"You gonna look to transfer again?"

"Nah," Tucker said, "I have what? Eight more years 'til mandatory? This is right, it's good…to be able to raise Noah and actually raise Noah, be there for Liv."

Cole smirked. Whenever Ed talked about his wife and son he flushed with pride. "Ya got your head in the right place, Tucker. Job'll get better…NYPD's bound to screw up big at some point. You and I both know that."

The former partners exchanged a knowing laugh.

"Amen to that," Ed muttered and pulled out his wallet. "I gotta go after this one."

…..

Olivia was already changed out of her work clothes and into jeans and a t-shirt when Ed got home. She stood in the kitchen over a pot of boiling water, stirring what Ed soon saw was spaghetti. He came up behind her and nuzzled her neck.

"Italian tonight?"

She leaned back ever so slightly and caught the scent of the bourbon and the outside air on her husband. "That okay?"

"You never have to ask."

"How's Cole?"

Ed slid his arms around her waist, "He says hello."

"But how is he?"

"Good."

"Just good?"

"Yep," Ed stretched her collar over her shoulder and kissed the exposed skin.

He groaned when Olivia shoved him away with her hip as she transported the spaghetti to the sink and dumped it in the colander. "Garlic bread's in the oven," she said, "Wanna get it out?"

"Sure," Ed looked around for potholders and Olivia tossed him a towel.

"Noah!" Olivia called, "C'mon, sweet boy, dinner!"

On cue, Noah scampered out and into Ed's arms. He turned the boy upside down, blew strawberries on his belly, and then flipped him right side up and into the booster seat.

"Ready for spaghetti, bud?"

"Ready sagetti!"

"You want wine?" Olivia asked and then teased, "Or more bourbon?"

"Wine," he replied, grabbing the glasses and then reaching over to cut Noah's noodles. Olivia poured and then sat down. "Let's eat. I'm starving."

"Me too," Ed replied, "I skipped lunch." He took his first bite, chewed, and then put his fork down. "Hey, know where we went? Me and Cole?"

"Where?"

"The bourbon bar."

Olivia squinted, amused, "Aren't they all…at some point…bourbon bars?"

Ed smirked, "There's only one bourbon bar, Lieutenant," he said matter-of-factly in his old IAB voice. "At least as far as we're concerned."

Olivia flashed back to the night, over two years ago, when then-Lieutenant Ed Tucker bought her a drink and suggested the bourbon. "Oh yeah," she murmured, smiling at the memory, "We should go back there sometime."

Ed winked at her and took a bite. "I fell in love with you there."

"How much have you had to drink?"

He ignored the question, "I did, Liv. After that night…I had to be with you."

"I think I've heard many versions of this same story."

"Maybe I'm still trying to get you to believe how much I love you," Ed's eyes drooped as he gazed at her from across the table.

"You don't have to do that, Ed," Olivia half-whispered, trying unsuccessfully not to cry, "I believe you. I've believed you…for a long time now."

The suddenly serious exchange between his parents clearly alarmed Noah. "Mommy?" He patted her hand and looked to Ed for help, "Daddy?"

"It's okay, bud," Ed soothed.

"Don't worry, sweet boy," Olivia sniffled and dabbed at her eyes with a napkin, "I'm just so happy, and…sometimes when we're happy, we cry a little bit." She leaned over and kissed his cheek reassuringly. "Eat your dinner sweetie."

Ed was still staring intently at her as she pulled herself back together. "Sorry," he mumbled.

Olivia conjured some sass and cocked her eyebrow, "Sorry for what?"

"Actually, never mind." Ed's blue eyes drilled deep into her soul, "I'll never apologize for loving you, Liv. Or you, pal," he cupped Noah's head mid-chew causing some spaghetti to dribble onto his shirt, "Nope…never…"

…..

#Tuckson