Sidney
All the breath leaves my body when I see her come out of the patio door at Mario's house. I almost don't recognize her at first. She's thin, very thin, and no longer has the softness in her face or her body. Her hair is pulled back severely from her face and she's wearing a conservative cocktail dress. It's been two years since I last saw her but it could be even longer, she seems so different to me.
I watch her look to her left and follow her gaze. Beside her is a man, probably in his mid-thirties, who is smiling lovingly at her. He takes her left hand in his and kisses it in a familiar way. That's when I notice the large engagement ring on her hand.
I'm thrown back to that day, two years ago, when my world fell apart …
"Anna, you've really lost me now." I searched her face for an answer and it wasn't until I saw stark panic go into her eyes that a terrifying thought entered my mind and went directly out of my mouth. "The baby was mine?" I ask.
Anna said nothing. Tears fell down her cheeks silently. She wrapped her arms around herself and shook slightly. Her breath was shallow. My subconscious picked up all of those things quickly but all that my brain could focus on was anger, confusion, disillusionment. Not only did she have an abortion, not only was it my child, but she didn't tell me then and hadn't told me since.
"Anna" I yelled at her and she took a step back. "Answer me. Was the baby mine?"
She still didn't speak but slowly nodded her head.
I stood there, still, unable to move or speak. It was hard to form a cohesive thought that wasn't rage filled. She murdered our child. I could be a father but she took that away from me. How could she do this to me?
In a rage, I rushed to her and grabbed each of her arms to shake her.
"How could you do this to me?" I yelled at her and continued to shake her. "How can you tell me you love me and have done this to me, to us, to our baby?"
I squeezed harder and Anna cried out. It's the cry that pulled me out of my rage so that I noticed my fingerprints red on her skin. I moved a few steps back and paced a few times trying to calm down. It wasn't easy but I managed to get control and turned back to her.
"Tell me Anna" I said. "Tell me how you could do this?"
She still didn't speak. Instead she stood still as a statue and rubbed her arms as tears fell down her cheeks.
"Don't you have anything to say?" I asked her.
She bit her bottom lip and stood still for another few moments.
"It's true" she told me. "I'm so sorry Sidney."
With those two words, 'it's true,' I felt everything disappear. All of the plans I wanted for our life together were gone. The dreams of winning the Cup and our baby sitting inside of it were gone. Every dream that included Anna was gone.
"Oh my God, Anna!" Lauren's words yelled across the deck bring me back to the present.
I watch as Mario's daughter and Anna embrace then Lauren examines Anna's engagement ring. They embrace again and then Lauren hugs the man beside Anna. Of course I know who he is. I may not have seen Anna in two years but I know what's happened in our time apart. One of the 'things' that happened is Anna getting engaged to the man beside her, Matthew. He is the son of Anna's father's best friend. Matthew was Governor Stanton's deputy chief of staff and decided to enter the election to replace the Governor.
I still can't believe how different she looks. Together, Matthew and Anna look like a political power couple. They are both attractive, conservatively although stylishly dressed for the Lemieux's BBQ, and definitely make a unit as they stand together.
It's suddenly too much and I know that I can't go through with this right now. I told Mario that I would come to the fundraising BBQ and there have been lots of pictures and autographs to donors but right now I need to get away. Seeing her has been more difficult than I anticipated.
I walk back to the pool, away from the house, and don't stop until I reach the little cottage that I used to call home more than ten years ago. The porch swing is still there so I sit and try to gather my thoughts.
"You ok kid?" Duper walks up and sits beside me.
It doesn't matter how old I am, Duper will always call me 'kid' when he's going to give me advice.
I shrug as my answer to him.
"It doesn't matter how long it is" he tells me. "When it's love, true love, it doesn't simply go away no matter how much you want it to or how much time goes by."
He has always offered good advice, first as a team mate and now as an assistant coach for the team after retiring. Everyone was glad that they found a place for him in the organization.
"Have you seen her or spoken to her since you broke up?" he asks.
"No" I tell him.
"That's half the problem you know."
"Yeah, I know."
We sit together silently and watch the sun set. He's right but that doesn't make it easier or even doable.
I lose track of how long we sit there in comfortable silence. It's one of the true dichotomies of Pascal Dupuis. He can talk non-stop and drive you crazy but he also knows the importance of silence and uses it effectively.
Sometime later, I hear a voice from our right "I've never known you to hide from a party Pascal."
It's Anna. Of course it's Anna. Duper gets up and I watch as he hugs her.
"You look good Anna" he tells her.
Over his shoulder, I can see her face and her eyes catch mine. It's strange. She's Anna but she's not Anna. Her eyes are warm but impersonal and she could be looking at anyone. I guess that's what I am to her now, anyone.
When Duper pulls away, Anna looks at me and says softly "hi Sid."
I stand and reply "hi."
We stare at each other, not speaking, for a few moments. Duper breaks the silence.
"I'm going to get back to the party" he says and leaves.
"You look good Sid" Anna says as she walks closer to me.
Her voice is light and happy like she's greeting an old, dear friend. She stands in front of me know, only two feet away, smiling as if nothing ever happened between us. I can play that game too. I'll just pretend that it's game six against Philly and I'm talking to the press. Ok, maybe I should fake it a little better than that.
"Thanks, so do you Anna" I tell her and congratulate myself for sounding normal when I feel anything but normal. "I see congratulations are in order" I say and point to her ring.
Anna continues to smile and replies "thank you. Matt asked me a few days ago."
"I hope you'll be very happy" I say and know that I deserve and Academy Award for this performance. "You're on the campaign trail full time?"
"Yes I am. Usually with Matt but I have my own schedule too. It was very thoughtful of Mario to offer this fundraiser in support of the campaign. Thank you for coming as well. I know that you hate these type of things but the Penguins, and you in particular, are always a great draw."
We sound like strangers. I feel nauseous.
"How is your father?" I ask her.
This is the first time I see some of the girl I remember, some of my Anna. For a brief moment, I see pain flash through her eyes before she can cover it.
"He's resting at my parent's home in Georgia. My mother is with him of course. It would be wonderful if he can hold on to see Matt succeed him as Governor."
About a year ago, Governor Stanton was diagnosis with pancreatic cancer. He had to drop out of the campaign for president. I wanted to contact Anna hundreds of times to see if she was ok, if there was anything I could do for her, but it was too late for us and I knew I wouldn't be of any comfort. Besides, by then she had started to date Matt. Everyone has been surprised by how long Governor Stanton has been able to fight against one of the worst types of cancer but it's expected that he won't last too much longer.
Finally, I can't take the strain any longer.
"We should probably go back to the party" I say.
Anna smiles, the political smile again, and replies "of course."
We walk together to the backyard. It's awkward. Shit, it's much more than awkward but we're both used to awkward situations.
As we near the patio, I hear Matt call for Anna.
"Right here" she says and walks toward him.
When we reach Matt and the people standing with him, he puts his arm around Anna and draws her tightly to his side. She smiles up at him and goes, willingly, happily.
"Matt" she begins. "You remember Sidney."
"Of course" he says and holds out his free hand. "Great to see you Sid. Congratulations on the Cup! I hear that this season looks very promising too."
"Great to see you too Matt. Yes, we're very excited for the season to begin."
We're saved from any more awkward small talk when Mario joins us.
"Matt" he says. "I like to introduce you and Anna to the Hodgson's."
They excuse themselves and I'm left answering questions about the team and this season from the group around me. At least I'm not making horrible small talk with the 'happy couple' any more. I'm following the conversation in front of me but part of me also follows Anna as she walks from group to group.
I notice more differences in her now. Anna quickly engages others, smiles, talks freely and demonstrates uncharacteristic confidence. There is an ease about her in this setting that I've never seen in her before. She was also good in public but usually had a polished and professional, although slightly aloof, demeanor about her. Anna is now the epitome of the 'girl next door' that everyone likes, wants to be friends with, and will make the perfect Governor's wife.
"Excuse me" I say to the people around me and retreat into the house.
I go to the kitchen where the catering staff are busy cleaning up.
"Are you ok Sid?" Nathalie asks me as she enters the kitchen.
I look at her as she walks up beside me, puts an arm around my waist and pulls me to her side. It's a maternal gesture that I'm used to but try to never take for granted.
"I don't know" I tell her honestly.
"I told you that you didn't have to come. It has to be hard seeing her like this for the first time and with Matt too."
Leave it to Nathalie to call it like she sees it. It's one of the things I've always appreciated about her and what always drives me crazy. She leans her head against my shoulder.
"Of course I had to come Nat" I tell her. "It would have been obvious if I didn't."
"Sid, you know what I mean."
I sigh.
"Yes, I know what you mean but I still think I had to come" I reply. "Both professionally and personally. There's always been something left unfinished between us."
"Has it helped seeing her?"
Has it helped?
"No. I thought if I could just see her and talk to her then it would help; but, she's like a stranger Nat. She was this insecure, unsure girl who was professionally competent but personally struggled. She was sweet and cute and funny. I can't reconcile the girl I knew with the woman I see out there."
"Oh Sid" she says and hugs me to her side tightly. "People change. Yes, she's changed. Don't you think that you've changed in the past two years?"
I think about it and respond "not really, no."
"Oh Sidney" she turns now to face me. "You don't even see it, do you? When was the last time you went on a date? Thought about a relationship outside of hockey? Opened yourself up to new people or experiences? You've been on autopilot Sid and singularly focused on hockey to the exclusion of everything else. There is no balance in your life. You're not just alone, you're lonely sweetheart and don't even know it. There is a hole in your heart." She cups my face in her hands. "You never told me exactly what happened between you and Anna but I know you and it's clear you were deeply hurt. Maybe it's time to talk about it. You know that I love you and am always here for you."
I never knew that she felt this way. Have I really changed that much since I was with Anna? Nat's right that I haven't really dated much and have been singularly focused on hockey. I've revisited a few old girlfriends to mutually scratch each other's itch but that's all. Wow.
"I know you are Nat and I love you for it" I lean in and kiss her cheek. "I'll think about it, ok?"
She looks closely at me frowning until finally her frown clears and she hugs me.
"Ok Sid. I'm here for you, always."
"I know that, thanks."
She moves further into the kitchen to talk to the caterers and I grab a bottle of water before going back outside. I can see that the crowd has thinned out significantly.
"Sid?"
I turn and see Matt standing beside me smiling. I guess this is the other hurdle to get over today; having a conversation with the fiancé.
Anna
I've managed to keep it together all night but watching Sid and Matt shake hands is almost too much for me. I can't help making comparisons. Physically, Matt is taller and leaner while Sid is a few inches shorter with wider shoulders and thighs. They both have short dark hair and full lips. It's unsettling that I know how both men's lips feel on mine. It's disturbing that I can remember clearly and still long for the taste and feel of Sid's.
He's changed. I could tell from the moment that I saw Sid that he's changed. He's older, sure, but is also more somber, serious, than I remember. He isn't here with a date but that doesn't necessarily mean he isn't seeing anyone. Until me, Sid was always careful about making his personal life public so even if he is seeing someone now, I wouldn't find it on line and I need to be discrete so I can't ask anyone.
Of course I know that I've changed too. I was destroyed after the break up with Sid but didn't have any time to think. Quickly I was thrown into the political machine to save my father's campaign from the scandal. Answering questions over and over from the campaign team and my mother about the details of my abortion was first. The sheer hell I went through because I wouldn't tell my mother who the father was or any of the details. She went after me for days to find out what happened but, for the first time, I stood up to her and wouldn't back down. After everything I did to Sidney, it was my job to protect him from this fiasco and I wasn't going to let my mistake impact him. There was backlash on him, of course, since we were dating but no one knew about our one night stand so he was never connected to the abortion.
When my mother finally accepted that she wasn't going to find out the truth, she worked with the PR team to weave a story that wasn't necessarily a lie but also wasn't the truth. The first step was an interview on Fox News with my parents to discuss the horrible mistake of having an abortion. I regurgitated the talking points that my father's PR team put in front of me and looked contrite and apologetic. I answered all questions by following the prescribed script and did everything that I was told. Thankfully my father's numbers rebounded and my sister and I joined the campaign full time. I didn't even bring up going back to my internship with the Penguins. Even if the break up with Sid didn't exist, I would be too much of a distraction and had broken the cardinal rule of PR: I became the story.
I nod to the people in front of me but I'm only half listening. My mind drifts back a year ago to the end of my father's campaign.
My father thought he was tired from the campaign trail and all of the interviews, speeches and meetings. When he almost passed out one evening, my mother insisted that he be checked out by a doctor and that's when the entire world changed. My mother's singular focus on surviving took the place of all political ambition; but, my father couldn't drop it as easily. He loves this state too much to see the democrats take the election so he and his chief of staff, his best friend, went into action.
Within twenty four hours, Matt was convinced to run for Governor by my and his father and he and I had agreed to explore a relationship and start dating. Everyone thought that it would be better than having a young, single man running for Governor. We weren't stupid enough to agree to a shotgun wedding but we'd become really good friends since I joined the campaign and I did love him. He knew about my relationship with Sid and we had affection for each other. We spent a lot of time together for the next six weeks while the campaign planned on how to make the announcement of my father's retirement and Matt stepping in as his replacement. As we grew closer and our relationship turned romantic, I confided in Matt about the abortion and that Sid was the father. I told him everything. If we were going to explore a life together than I had to be honest.
Ironically, my mother didn't try to push the relationship. I expected to experience parental pressure and was stunned when none came. The prospect of my father dying changed all of our perspectives on how we wanted to lead our lives. For my sister, she decided to take her national charity international. She wanted to have a greater impact on the world. My father wanted to have a deeper legacy which he decided could be achieved through Matt. My mother simply wanted to take care of my father.
As for me, I'd made too many mistakes, told too many lies and damaged my relationship with Sid so badly that there was no repairing it. All the decisions I made two years ago were because I was scared and immature. It's taken all of this heartbreak and time to realize that no matter how much experience I had with the press growing up, no matter how much poise and self-confidence I was able to professionally demonstrate, when it came to love and relationships I was immature. I had no idea how to be in a relationship and in love.
I took the opportunity for a relationship with Matt to make a thoughtful and mature decision about my future. We do love each other, not like I had with Sid, but it is love. At first it was through friendship and, over the last six months, it's developed into much more. Matt is going to make a wonderful Governor and he's included me in his campaign. I'm not just the fiancé of the candidate. Rather, I've become part of the communications team creating strategy and messaging. We've developed a partnership similar to my parents only more equal professionally and less traditional. I'm definitely never going to be a southern wife and thankfully Matt doesn't want one.
I engage back in the conversation in front of me and put all other thoughts aside. Eventually the evening ends and it's only Matt, a few members of his team, and the Lemieuxs left. We sit on the deck enjoying a glass of wine and good friends. Thankfully, Sid left so there isn't that awkwardness.
"Matt" Mario begins. "I know that your schedule is packed but do you think you can swing back here in two weeks? We're having our big casino night fundraiser for the Foundation at Consol and you could support the event and get the benefit of the press."
Matt looks at his campaign manager, Chris, who is already looking at his phone.
"We have the Teacher's Union event that night Matt" Chris tells us. "You have to be there given that the campaign is focusing on education. Anna, I think there's a lot of benefit to attending the event here. We don't need you and Matt with the teachers."
I can feel Matt's hand squeeze my shoulder slightly. He knows that I really don't want to do it and is signally his support to my declining. I am grateful but I will always support him and do what I can to support the campaign.
"I can definitely attend Mario" I smile at Matt to tell him that it's ok. "It will be fun to attend rather than work at it like last year."
"Great" Mario says. "It will be wonderful to have you there Anna."
The conversation turns to the Pen's season and how they will continue with the success that they had last year. In December, they fired their coach, brought in Mike Sullivan and won the Cup. The team has remained intact, except for two or three guys, so they are excited for this season too. It reminds me how much I miss being with the Pens and hearing all of the hockey talk. I wasn't there very long but it was the most meaningful time of my life that had the biggest effect on me.
"We should probably get going" Chris says looking at his watch.
We all stand and the Lemieuxs walk us to our car. There are hugs and handshakes all around and then we're in the car on the way to the hotel. We have an event first thing in the morning at an elementary school and then we will get on our bus and head north.
Matt takes my hand as Chris reviews our schedule for tomorrow. When he's finished, he hands Matt his phone so that he can return calls. It takes us thirty minutes to drive back to the city from Sewickley which allows for a few returned calls. The call sheet is never empty but we chop it down whenever there are free moments.
When we get in front of our hotel room, Matt turns to Chris.
"Man, put it in park for the night, ok?" Matt tells Chris and pats him on the back. "It's been a crazy long but successful day. Call it. I know we are."
With that, Matt and I go into our room and leave Chris outside.
I immediately kick off my shoes and then go to our luggage. I unpack our toiletries while Matt hangs up our clothes for tomorrow. We could probably go through this routine in our sleep having done it so many time. After we take turns in the bathroom, I come out and Matt is in bed reviewing something on his iPad. When I sit beside him, he puts his iPad down and lifts an arm so that I can cuddle beside him.
"We weren't able to find a minute alone all night" he begins. "How are you?"
I don't have to ask what he means.
"We never do" I reply. "It was difficult but I'm ok. I managed to find a moment alone with Sid so that we could talk."
"But you're ok?"
"Yeah, it was strange" I shift so that I can look up at him. "It felt like no time had passed but also like I didn't even know him anymore. It's hard to explain." He frowns down at me and I know he wants to ask me something. "Go ahead" I tell him.
"Were there still, you know" he begins.
"Feelings there?"
"Yeah."
We've always given each other complete honesty. It's what we decided and agreed to early on in our relationship and it's what has made it strong.
"Yeah, there still are" I admit. "The impact that my relationship with Sid had on me is difficult to articulate and quantify Matt; but, a relationship like that leaves a mark forever."
I feel badly saying it but I owed it to him.
"Can't say as I like it but I understand it" he tells me. "It's made you who you are today so I have to be grateful in some way, right?"
"Maybe not grateful but at least understanding" I reply.
Matt chuckles and nods.
"Ok, understanding then."
"I love you" I tell him.
"And I you" he says and kisses me softly.
Before it can deepen, his phone rings and it's Chris. If he knows that we've said goodnight and still calls then it's important.
I watch as Matt listens to Chris and, to me, he mouths 'it's ok'. I smile and climb into bed. How different things can be in two years.
Two years ago, I was begging for the worlds', or at least the Christian worlds', forgiveness for having an abortion and now I'm in bed with my candidate fiancé and no one would care. Of course Matt isn't running on family values and Christianity. Sure, he's Protestant and attends church but it's not his platform.
I review my emails, of which there are over a hundred, and decide that there is nothing urgent. It's been a stressful day, and evening, and I just need to turn off. First, I need to call my mother. Matt is still talking to Chris so I move to the other side of the room and sit on the sofa.
"Annabelle, it's late" my mother says in greeting.
She knew how late I was going to call and insisted earlier that I still do. That doesn't mean anything now I guess.
"Hi mother, it was a long but successful day."
"Well that's good I guess."
"How is father?" I ask.
"He had a good day. We even managed to sit in the garden for a few hours."
How dramatically their lives have changed where now sitting quietly in the garden is a good day.
"That's good mother" I reply. "How are you?"
"Oh you know me dear" she says in a thicker drawl now. It always tends to get thicker before she speaks 'southern.' "I'm as right as rain in the spring."
The fact that the expression isn't very creative tells me how tired she is and I remember the last time I saw her. No matter how much she tried to hide it, she was very pale and there were dark circles under her eyes. There are many things I can and have said about my mother over the years but I would never deny how devoted she is to my father and how seriously she takes her vows 'in sickness and in health'.
"I'm going to find a day next week to visit" I tell her. "I'll let the scheduler know the exact day tomorrow. My schedule has shifted a bit for next week."
"That would be lovely dear. You know how busy your sister is traveling with her new charity."
I take a deep breath and try to let the bile that rises at the mention of my sister slide back down. When our father was diagnosed with cancer, she made a big show of being there to help him and do anything she could to support our parents. The next week she made a declaration that our father's illness was a sign that she should take her charity international and then she left. My mother dismissed it by saying that she's doing 'God's work' and that was it.
Not for the first time, I wonder if there was a switch at the hospital and I really don't belong with this family.
My mother and I say goodbye and I look up to see Matt watching me. He's off the phone now too.
"She brought up your sister" he says.
"How can you tell?"
"You only have that look when your sister is discussed."
"Yikes, I hope not."
"Don't worry babe, you hide it well when we're in public" he tells me and I relax. "Come here."
I drop my phone on the end table and climb into bed beside Matt. He cuddles me close and I force myself to relax. It's always a chore to relax after I talk to my mother.
"You're doing that thing again" Matt whispers.
"What thing?"
"Where you take three deep breaths and repeat your 'relax' mantra over and over in your head."
"How well you know me" I reply.
"I may need to borrow that relaxing technique over the next three weeks. I can't believe that we're almost at the election."
"Me either" I tell him. "Did I hear Chris say that we raised enough tonight to do the ad buy for the remainder of the election in the key regions?"
"Yeah, we can now focus on a mad dash around the state doing the 'grip and grin' thing."
"I know that they're making the changes we discussed to the scheduling. Does that mean we'll be apart a lot?" I ask.
"Over the next two weeks, yes, and then we'll travel together the last week. Oh, I put a stop to the video they wanted to make of your father."
"You know that he'd do it gladly Matt."
"I know, and he's offered, but" he doesn't continue.
I know immediately why.
"His health is failing fast" I finish for him.
"Yeah" he whispers and kisses the top of my head. "He needs to focus on being well and nothing else."
"Thank you" I whisper back.
"You're family and I love you. Don't thank me" he says. "Oh, Chris wants to change the schedule so that you are back in Pittsburgh a few more times and not just for the casino night. Apparently you're a bigger draw than I am since you worked for the Pens."
Oh God. Pittsburgh.
"If that's what's best then Pittsburgh it is" I tell him.
"You'll be ok with that?" he asks me.
Now I tilt my face up so that I can look at Matt. He's concerned and this isn't the first time he's asked me if I'm ok being in Pittsburgh.
"Yeah, I'm ok so stop asking. Pittsburgh is an important city for the campaign so one of us needs to be here. Philly is important too but they don't like me there. Who knew that the Flyer fans' hatred of the Pens would translate to me being disliked? I was an intern here for half a second."
"You don't want to get in between Pens and Philly fans babe."
I chuckle and reply "I know." I cup his face in my hand. "You know that I love you, right?"
"Yeah I do" he turns his head and kisses my palm
"So stop worrying about me" I tell him. "Tonight was difficult because it was the first time that I've seen Sid since I left and there's feelings still there to work out. That's all Matt."
"You'd tell me if there was more right?"
I rarely see Matt being doubtful about anything, and especially me.
"Matt, I love you. I told you how I feel about Sid. That's it."
"Ok" he smiles and nods. "Do you believe in soul mates?" he asks unexpectedly.
"I don't know that I've thought about it too much" I reply. "I guess I don't."
"Really?"
"You're surprised?" I ask.
"Yeah, most wouldn't know this about you, but you are a romantic Anna."
"Am I?" Now I'm surprised. "I guess I can be. I think that believing in soul mates is too easy."
"Ok, that needs some explanation. Too easy?"
"Think of a couple who have a solid, long term relationship. Is it because they are soul mates or because they work on their relationship and make it a priority? There are ups and downs and it's not always perfect; but, their relationship is solid because they work on it. It's not easy but it's worth it and we wouldn't want it to be easy. Anything worth doing, worth having, should be a little hard. Don't you think?"
"I never thought about it that way" he tells me. "I guess it makes sense."
"And if soul mates exist then why do they always live near you? There are billions of people in the world. The odds are your soul mate would be half way around the earth and living in a completely differently world."
"Instead we work on our relationship" he tells me.
"Yeah, we do. That's what makes us happy and how we stay in love, together."
"Do you think that's what we tell ourselves so we can settle rather than holding out for a 'great love' with a soul mate?"
"No" I reply quickly. I'll have to think about why later. "You could interpret it that way but no. Love isn't easy but it's worth it and I definitely love you."
"I love you too" he says and kisses me. "Now we need to get some sleep. We may not get much for the next three weeks until the election."
"And then the next four years after you win" I tell him.
"I hope."
I settle back onto my pillow and Matt does the same on his side of the bed. We're both exhausted and quickly I hear Matt's breath slow. I fall asleep soon after.