35.

Olivia multitasked behind her desk. Carisi and Fin were out following up on a call and checking in periodically; in the meantime she made headway into the seemingly never ending paperwork. Even after pawning some of it off on Rollins, the pile never seemed to diminish. Occasionally she allowed herself to be distracted by the pictures Brooke sent from Coney Island and she found herself spending an inordinate amount of time gazing at her son in various poses along the boardwalk, carousel, and beach. However, the photos also made her think about Ed's spontaneous post-coital outburst and the chasm that had subsequently opened between them.

Ed hadn't been gone more than five minutes before she called Dr. Lindstrom and he agreed to meet her for a brief post-lunch session that day even though he was booked solid and Olivia had been a less-than-regular patient for almost a year.

Olivia stepped into the squad room. "Hey, Amanda, I'm leaving for a bit. Um, call if there's something urgent, okay?"

Rollins took the directive nonchalantly. One could never predict the timing of SVU's cases, but mid-day and mid-week usually didn't require the Lieutenant's direct participation.

Olivia wasn't sure exactly what she wanted to do, but she had an hour between leaving the squad and her appointment with Lindstrom, so she ducked into a bar and nursed a bourbon. While she sipped, she flipped through the pictures stored on her phone. Mostly Noah. But Ed, too. Her boys. Her family.

Another sip.

Bourbon.

"I think you should try the bourbon."

Even that night, with all its flirting and the subtle accidentally-on-purpose touching in the crowded cop bar, even then, Olivia had no clue that Ed Tucker was the one. He was ruggedly handsome and smart. His dry sense of humor came out that night and, several times, made Olivia throw her head back in laughter. Real laughter. When they parted on the street, Ed mentioned it.

"It was good to see you smile, Sergeant."

She woke up the next day and realized…she liked him. After years of loathing the man, cringing when he showed up at the precinct, labeling him as dangerous and untrustworthy, a mutual affinity crept up out of nowhere and it confused her. They spent weeks and weeks circling one another, trying to figure out the next steps. Olivia had been so consumed with Noah's adoption that Ed Tucker existed on the periphery for a while.

Until that first kiss in Central Park.

He smiled shyly as their lips parted.

"Been wantin' to do that for a while."

They ambled along the path and Ed, buoyed by the kiss, took a deep breath and expressed relief and appreciation that Olivia had given him a chance.

"Considering…everything before."

That night they had a long conversation and replayed many but not all of the times IAB Ed Tucker had gone after a member of SVU. He knew he was despised, but he also had a deep sense of duty and an innate disgust for fellow officers who took an oath to protect and serve yet broke the law themselves. According to Tucker's philosophy, one dirty cop sullied the entire NYPD and he relentlessly pursued the bad guys in blue.

"But that's no excuse…for some of the things I said…to you…"

There were a few moments with Benson he wished he could take back, and when he stared to recall them, Olivia took his hand and told him it wasn't necessary to revisit every nasty, sarcastic, or insensitive remark.

"When I…after Lewis…when you told us…about him asking you that question," Ed couldn't even say rape, "I felt sick."

The entire Lewis story came out piece by piece over the course of that summer and fall as Olivia came to trust Tucker more and more. He became her rock. Each time she tried to hold him at a distance, he broke through her walls and stayed close.

But now, even after the morning goodbye, Olivia felt herself floundering again, and it scared her.

"Another one, ma'am?"

Olivia waved off the bartender and handed him her credit card. He swiped it, presented the receipt, and said, "Have a good afternoon, Mrs. Tucker."

…..

Dr. Lindstrom listened thoughtfully as Olivia told him what happened the night before. He made mental notes, mostly of her demeanor and body language. When she called with the request for an emergency session, knowing her past, he immediately became alarmed, but this particular snag in her life seemed easily navigable.

"Olivia, you sound happy. Worried, but happy."

She pressed a wadded tissue to the corner of her eyes but her lips curled into a smile. "I am so happy." She waved her arms around, "Blissful."

"And you think Ed is not?"

"I think he's…feeling a void. One we'll probably never fill."

"You've talked about more children, right?"

"Right. And…we always come to the reality that we're…old. And we can put all our energy into raising Noah, and, I thought, that was the end of the discussion. But, last night, Ed knows I haven't completely ruled out adopting again, but last night…it was about a biological child."

Lindstrom scratched his temple. "And…is that a possibility? Physically?"

"Yes, but…I'm almost fifty years old. The risks…seem to outweigh the outcome."

"Have you spoken to your doctor?"
"No," Olivia forced a sarcastic chuckle, "I didn't think I needed to speak to her until now."

The shrink sat back in his chair, laid both arms on the armrests, and intently studied her. "Olivia, what do you want?"

She took a very deep breath and dabbed at fresh tears. "I want to have what I have twenty years ago."

"Olivia, you and I both know what's done is done. When you first told me about Ed you explained how hostile that relationship was. What you have couldn't have happened until it did." He watched as she processed what he said, "Are you…are you feeling anger towards Ed for bringing up biological children…especially since you thought the issue had been decided?"

Olivia thought about this for a few minutes. "It's not anger," she said slowly, "It's…disappointment, but, more so disappointment in me. That I can't give him what we would both love to have."

Lindstrom pressed his lips together and nodded knowingly, "And you're scared he's going to resent you…and you'll lose him."

It was not a question, but Lindstrom knew the answer because Olivia started choking back sobs.

"Olivia, I cannot tell you to try or not try to have a child. But you must trust your marriage. You and Ed made a commitment, and, from what you've told me, your commitment is strong. Your devotion to each other is strong. Help each other through this, whatever the decision is, talk to each other. The timing," Lindstrom smiled, a teasing glint in his eye, "of him saying what he said is important. After…some time to think…he may feel differently."

Seeing Lindstrom slightly uncomfortable soothed Olivia and her breathing returned to normal. "You're right. I'm scared. This morning, when we said goodbye, it wasn't right. There was…this distance between us and I've never felt that before, not with Ed."

"Tell him tonight. Exactly what you're feeling."

"Okay."

"So," Lindstrom smiled, "How is little Noah?"

"Getting big," Olivia replied, "I think that might be part of it, too."

"All parents go through that," he said, still smiling, "Even you."

…..

"Aww, crap."

"Aww, CAP!" Noah slammed his legs against his car seat as he mimicked Brooke. After a day at Coney Island his face was smeared with remnants of their junk food binge and sand stuck to his legs and his bare feet. Even though Brooke kept slathering sunblock on him, his cheeks were pink and she hoped the flush was just from the heat and not an actual sunburn.

Brooke got out of the SUV and double checked the backseat and the trunk. "Ugh. I left one of our bags at the boardwalk." She realized she hadn't quite collected everything after they rinsed their arms and legs. During the course of the day she purchased a number of new items for Noah—an inflatable alligator, a plush snake, a couple of other noisy trinkets—so their load gradually became larger and, apparently, unmanageable.

"No, are your shoes back there?"

Noah strained to get a glimpse of the floor, "No shoes, Brookey."

"Damn."

"DAMN!"

"Noah, don't say that. I shouldn't have said it. I'm sorry."

"Brookey you say DAMN!"

"Noah."

The sharpness in her voice temporarily muted the little boy.

"Let's see," Brooke murmured to herself, "We have the beach toys, my purse, missing Noah's stuff." She looked from the car to the boardwalk and weighed her options. Go back for the bag that might have been toted away by someone else by now or leave it, replace Noah's things, and not have to bother unstrapping him?

"Come on, No," she muttered, reluctantly unbuckling him, "We gotta go get the other bag." She put Noah down on the hot blacktop without thinking and he let out a blood-curdling scream.

"Oh shit," she quickly scooped him up and cradled him, hoping he hadn't heard the shit, "I'm sorry, buddy."

"Dat hot!" Noah whined.

Brooke massaged his feet one at a time, "You okay?"

"Need my shoes!"

"We're going back to get them. C'mon, on my shoulders ya go!"

"Dis how Daddy carry me!"

"I know, he carried me like this too."

Noah cracked up, "You too big!" He clasped his hands on the sides of Brooke's face as they walked, stretching her skin back towards her ears. From his vantage point, Noah surveyed the boardwalk. Even though he'd had his share of treats throughout the course of the afternoon, he spotted a lemon ice stand.

"Want iceeeeeee!"

"No. We've had enough junk."

"Brookey! Iceeeee!"

"We have to get your bag."

Noah bounced up and down. "Ice-ee! Ice-ee!"

"Ugh," Brooke grumbled, knowing she and Sarah had created this monster. "Fine." They went to check on the bag and Brooke breathed a sigh of relief when she found it there undisturbed. Then she dug into her pocket and pulled out a few crumpled bills—just enough to treat her brother to a lemon ice.

…..

Ed beat Olivia home, not that arriving home before her was a novelty, but, arriving home alone certainly was strange. It didn't happen often. He immediately jettisoned his blazer and unbuttoned his shirt on the way to the bedroom. The late June day was blisteringly hot. Brooke certainly had the right idea to spend the afternoon at the beach.

As usual, their bedroom was a mess. They left the sheets and comforter in a twisted heap at the end of the bed, and he could barely make out the upholstery on the chair and ottoman. A half-full glass of water sat on each of their nightstands. Earrings were scattered on Olivia's side and the sight made Ed smile. She always forgot to take them out until she put her head on her pillow and they poked the side of her head.

He stared at the empty bed for an inordinate amount of time and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Damn."

Of all the things he could have said last night, he chose the one sentence that completely deflated their post-lovemaking bliss. But that was how he felt. Right then, a redemptive, passionate wave surged through his body as he took in the sight of his wife right after he'd filled her with every ounce of love he had. That love often overwhelmed him, but, something about last night overloaded the circuits and…

"I wanna make a baby with you."

"Damn," he muttered again.

The alarm chimed and snapped him back to the present. Olivia was home.

"Ed?"

Her voice echoed faintly through the apartment.

"In here." He flung his shirt aside and was pulling on shorts when Olivia entered.

"Hey."

Olivia had removed her blazer and stood in front of him in a dark pink sleeveless blouse the tail of which was wedged between her badge and her waist. The Glock was still affixed to her belt. Ed's gaze slowly drifted upward past her chest, to her lips which still showed traces of lip gloss, and finally, her eyes. Those brown eyes seemed hopeful, inviting, calm…they were a welcome sight.

"Hey." He reached first for the gun, removed it, and then plucked the shield, careful not to get it tangled with the blouse, and tossed it next to the weapon. "How was your day?"

"Not great," she answered honestly, but there was a softness in her voice that Ed found comforting. "Can we talk?"

"Yeah."

Olivia changed clothes and, eyeing the disarray of their room, suggested they move to the living room or office. "Actually, how about the office?" She said, "It's so cozy in there but we never use it."

They settled in on the well-worn brown sofa. The floating shelves Carisi helped install gave the room the illusion of being larger than it actually was, and the window, though not the floor-to-ceiling variety of their main living space, let in streams of natural light. On the walls were the rest of Ed's historic New York prints.

Ed opened a cabinet door and produced an unfamiliar bottle. "Drink?"

Olivia broke into a wry smile, "You're hiding alcohol?"

"Nah," he replied, smiling back at her, "Carisi brought it over and put it in there. Think he was hiding it from Sarah, actually."

He opened the twist-off top and sniffed. "Smells sweet." There was an antique tin cup in one of the display cabinets and Ed retrieved it, blew out some dust, and poured. They passed the cup back and forth as they spoke.

"I saw Lindstrom today," Olivia said.

"Kinda thought you might."

"You did?"

Remorse filled Ed's eyes. "Somethin' was off this morning."

"Yes," Olivia sighed, relieved. Immediately feeling better, she inched closer to Ed.

"Liv," he shut his eyes tightly for a second, "I've been thinkin' all day about what to say to you. And…I can't apologize, baby. I just can't. Because, I meant what I said, but I know…I know it's not gonna happen."

Olivia played with the hem of her shorts. "One of the things he told me today…after I said I wanted to turn back the clock twenty years, was that we couldn't have be us any earlier. And he's right. And I have to accept that. And," she lifted her eyes to meet his, "We have to accept that."

"I keep thinkin'—this is my fault. If I woulda just…I dunno…asked you out…proven I wasn't a monster earlier—" He stopped talking because, instead of the expected tears, Olivia started smiling. "What?"

She grabbed his hands. "We're both blaming ourselves. And I never thought you were a monster."

"Why are you blaming yourself?"

"Because I…because I'm forty-nine years old and I don't think getting pregnant at forty-nine is going to have a very happy ending. And you…if you were with someone younger…that baby, wouldn't be such a challenge." The smile faded now and giant teardrops tumbled down her cheeks.

Ed's heart sank. "Olivia," he wrestled his hands out of her grip and grabbed her shoulders, "Now, I'm apologizing. I am so sorry. Look at me. I. Do. Not. Want. Anyone. But. You. Ever. Olivia, you can ignore anything else I ever say, but you gotta believe that." Her body shook and he took her into his arms while she rode out the sobs. "I'm never leaving, baby. I'm always gonna be here. I love you."

"I love you too," Olivia choked out.

"Hey," Ed held her at arm's length with one hand and wiped her tears with the other hand. "Our life is perfect the way it is. I think…there's always gonna be a little…uh…well, it's always gonna bother us a little bit it took so long to get this happy, and, yeah, it woulda been really special to have a child together. But you let me into Noah's life, Liv. You really did give me a son. And you and Noah and the girls? My life's complete. Our life is complete. And I'm gonna spend the rest of mine making sure you are the happiest woman on the planet."

Olivia sniffled and swallowed hard. "And…making sure Noah's the most spoiled boy on the planet," she managed to joke through a few final tears.

Ed grinned sheepishly, but the fear that he'd irrevocably damaged his marriage disappeared. "I think…yeah, that's the plan."

They were in the middle of a kiss that seemed to be leading to brown leather sofa sex, but Olivia's phone pinged and kept pinging.

She peeled herself from Ed's chest and picked it up.

"Brooke's downstairs," she reported. "Noah's sound asleep and she's double parked."

"I'll go."

Olivia smiled at him. "Okay…I'll get something started for dinner."

"I'll help ya." He winked at her, "Noah prolly won't eat. I'm sure Brooke's been feeding him crap all day."

Olivia rolled her eyes good-naturedly, "Of course."

"They really need to stop doing that."

She shook her head. "No they don't."

….

Carisi desperately wanted to have all Tuckers over to his mother's house for a Saturday barbecue, but Sarah and Brooke insisted they stay in Manhattan and use the grilling area on the roof of their building. The area was partially shaded and they rarely took advantage of the perk.

"Besides," Sarah whined, "Who on Earth wants to go all the way to Staten Island on a Saturday afternoon?

The girls were already through one bottle of wine, and Carisi was on his second beer when the rest of the Tuckers arrived with apologies. They made Noah take an early nap and he slept longer than usual. Ed sarcastically attributed it to his outing with Brooke and she deftly deflected the accusation with her own sardonic reply. Carisi ignored the banter and offered drinks—Olivia took a glass of chilled white sangria and Ed took a beer.

"And for you, Noah," Carisi said dramatically, "I gotcha this!"

Noah's eyes widened as Carisi produced a plastic cup in the shape of a dinosaur. A stegosaurus to be exact. "Whoa!" He exclaimed and eagerly accepted the drink.

"Ya rinsed all the vodka outta there, right?" Sarah asked, "That's the cup we usually use for Sonny," she explained sassily.

Apparently the master of tuning out unpleasant discussion, Sonny turned to Ed, "Cap, I got steaks, burgers, and ribs. We'll make everything and have a little mixed grill thing goin' on. Brooke picked up some potato salad and my mom made pasta salad, so we're all set."

"Sounds good," Ed replied, "We brought dessert. Liv, we did bring it, right?"

She grinned, "We did."

"So, let's head upstairs," Brooke said, "Everything's up there already."

…..

There were a few other people enjoying the afternoon on the rooftop, but no other families were using the culinary area, so the Tuckers had it all to themselves. Sonny, Ed, and Noah huddled around the grill; Ed kept Noah perched on his hip for a while but then put him down.

"Stay where I can see ya, bud," he said. Noah took the warning to heart. He never ventured more than a few steps away from Ed.

Sarah, Brooke, and Olivia took seats on the nearby lounges and engaged in what Olivia considered to be their old-style girl talk. Silly. Innocent. Light-hearted. Considering the events of the past month, it was a welcome change.

"So," Sarah said, rolling her eyes, "My boss has season tickets to the Yankees and this other guy has season tickets to the Mets so next week I have to go to two fucking baseball games. Ugh."

"You poor thing," Brooke replied.

Sarah didn't acknowledge the sarcasm. "I know. And they're day games. Actually, I don't know if day or night games are better. And, guess what? One of 'em is against the Phillies. Wouldn't you die if Jeff was there?"

"I wouldn't," Brooke said, "But you would."

"I would."

Olivia tried to steer the conversation in a different direction, "Brooke, thanks for taking Noah yesterday. It was all he could talk about this morning."

Brooke grinned. "He is so good. I was dragging him all around, the rides, the boardwalk, the beach and he just kept smiling and babbling on and on."

"I wish I woulda been there," Sarah moaned, "I'm missing Noey's childhood."

"It was one day, Sare," Brooke retorted, "And next time we're taking you. On the beach? I was ready just to chill out and he had me making sand castles and diving into waves. I think I fell asleep as soon as I got home."

Sarah narrowed her eyes, "Well, you were awake later on," she teased.

Brooke reddened.

Olivia looked over at Ed, Carisi, and Noah. "He's a good guy, Brooke. Keeping him around?"

Sarah, probably glad to have the spotlight on her sister's love life instead of hers, pressed for more information, "Yeah, Brookey, are we keeping him around? He's practically living with us. And I didn't realize he's so old."

"He's not old." Brooke thought about Sarah's brief dalliance with Chief Dodds but didn't dare bring it up.

"He's in his thirties."

"Well, I'm almost thirty," Brooke argued, "And, I can't imagine dating anyone younger. I need…a real man."

Olivia and Sarah exchanged impressed glances.

"A real man," Sarah drawled, "Like Daddy. Livvie, Daddy really is a real man, isn't he?"

"Yes he is."

"I love him," Sarah cooed.

"Me too."

"Me too."

Sarah lifted her glass, "Cheers to loving Daddy."

"Cheers!"

The noise grabbed the attention of the men at the grill.

"Whaddya you girls doin' over there?" Carisi asked.

"Talking about you," Sarah sassed.

Carisi looked at Ed and Noah, shrugged, and turned back to the meat.

"So," Sarah said, "What are we doing for the Fourth?"

Brooke bit her lip, "Sonny…um…he's taking me out on a boat."

"A boat?"

"Yeah."

"Like, on one of those cruises?" Olivia asked.

"No…just us."

Sarah practically jumped out of her chair. "Omigod, omigod, omigawwwwd."

"Shhhh," Brooke warned.

Olivia laughed a little and fixed her eyes on Ed. "The last boat ride we took…Valentine's Day…it was nice. You'll have a great time."

Sarah coughed mid-sip and proclaimed, a little too loudly for Brooke's comfort, "She's gonna have more than just a great time."

….

Back at home later that night, Ed, who apparently hadn't had enough of the rooftops, suggested they take their small bottle of port up to the roof and hang out there for a while. Noah was already asleep, so they toted him and a blanket upstairs and parked themselves on a loveseat. Olivia cradled Noah, and Ed slung his arm around her shoulders.

"Nice night," he remarked.

"It is. And it was a nice day."

"Sarah seemed normal."

"She did. Hopefully…she's back on track."

Ed laughed, "I don't know if that was ever the case."

Olivia clinked glasses with him, "Point taken."

"And…Carisi, he's…I hope it works out with him and Brooke."

"Me too. They're a good fit."

"They livin' together?"

"Officially? I don't think so. But Sarah reports he's there…often."

"Fine with me."

"Me too."

"You like your steak?"

"I did."

Ed shot her a satisfied smirk, "I told Carisi to take it off the grill before it got too well done. I know how ya like it."

Olivia put her head on his shoulder, admired the shimmering stars painted against the clear night sky, and mused, "You do, Ed. You really do."

…