Anna
"Remember to focus on the superintendent and not the politicians tonight" I tell Matt. "The teachers don't respect the politicians there but, ironically, they respect the superintendent. Usually the teachers hate administrators but that township is very weird."
"Yes dear" Matt says teasingly.
"Ok, ok, I know that I'm repeating myself."
"You are but I love you for it babe" he tells me and chuckles. "Are you ready for casino night?"
"I have cash and a smile" I tell him.
"Then you're ready. Everything is ok?"
I know that he's asking about me being back at Consol with the Pens and seeing Sid.
"I just got here so I haven't seen any of the guys yet but I'm looking forward to it."
"Ok."
Clearly he needs more.
"I'm going to try and talk to Sid tonight like you and I discussed. There's so much we need to say to each other still and I think that will finally help put everything behind me for good."
"I'm glad" he says. "Really Anna, I think you need it and he might too."
"How did I get so lucky to find a man like you?"
"You didn't find me. Your dad did."
"Ok, that just sounds icky."
He chuckles and agrees "yeah. I guess it does."
"Ok, I need to go."
"All right. I love you."
"Me too" I tell him and disconnect.
I take a last look in the mirror and smooth down my dress. The casino is a 60's Rat Pack theme this year so I'm wearing a form fitting, scoop neck, red satin dress like Ava Gardner used to wear. I have to admit that it looks good and suits me. It should photograph well too.
I leave the bathroom and walk directly into Pascal.
"Whoa, watch out" Pascal says and catches me before I can trip.
"Oh, sorry Pascal" I reply and smile up at him.
"Wow" he says and looks me up and down. "You look great."
I look him over too.
"And so do you. Wow" I tell him.
He hugs me close and I return his affection. It's hard not to love this man.
"This event has grown even larger if that's possible" I tell him.
"Yeah, since we won the Cup last year, there's been a lot more people interested so they've expanded the event. I think we'll have double the people from when you were here last."
I walk with him down the hall towards the locker room. Memories wash over me of the many, many times I walked this way to manage a scrum for Geno. I even smile when the smell hits me. There may not be any gear present but the smell never completely disappears.
"Anna, you back!"
I look to the side of the room as we enter and see Geno walking toward me. Before I can do or say anything, he has lifted me in his arms and is twirling me around. I cling to his arms for my life.
"Put the woman down G" Pascal tells him.
Finally, my feet do get back on the ground but Geno doesn't completely let me go. He holds me close to his side.
"You no come visit. You no write. No one save me from reporters" he tells me.
I have to chuckle.
"You always did just find on your own Geno" I tell him. "Congratulations by the way."
I heard that Geno became engaged in the off season.
"Yes, I off the market" he tells me. "You get married too?"
"I'm engaged, yes" I say and Geno takes my hand to look at my ring.
"Where diamonds?"
I know he's kidding because my ring is plenty large enough but I play along and say "my fiancé is a politician and not a hockey player."
Geno rolls his eyes at me.
"You should have bigger" he tells me and makes me laugh.
"Anna!" I hear my name.
When I turn, I see Kris Letang a second before he hugs me. More of the guys have followed him into the room and I'm passed around for hugs and greetings. I don't know why I was so worried about seeing the players. The office staff was all so kind earlier although it did feel weird to see Adam boss around interns. I'm so happy that he stayed on full time with the Pens. We're going to have breakfast tomorrow before my morning event so we can catch up.
Flower is the last guy to give me a hug. When he lets me go, I turn and see Sid in front of me.
"Hi" he says.
"Hi" I reply and notice that the room has fallen completely silent.
Everyone is staring us for a moment before they all make themselves busy. I notice that Sid and all of the guys are wearing sixties style suits with thin ties and fedora hats. Sid looks good, really good.
"Ok guys, let's get the group picture" the photographer shouts out.
Sid smiles and turns to the middle of the room. I touch his arm before he can walk away.
"Sid" I say in a low voice. "Can we find a few minutes to talk after the event?"
He looks surprised but says "sure we can."
I watch the guys get into position for the team photo and the barely controlled chaos makes me nostalgic.
"Remember this?" Adam asks beside me.
"I do" I tell him. "I actually miss it."
"Yeah?"
I turn to Adam.
"Sometimes, yeah, I do miss it" I tell him. "I always miss you."
He smiles.
"Seeing you live is very different, and much preferred, to the emails we've exchanged since you left" he tells me.
"I know Adam, I haven't been a very good friend. I really am sorry."
"You can make up for it in the morning" he tells me and puts his arm around me.
"You know we have to meet early, right? I have to leave the hotel by 9am" I tell him.
Adam rolls his eyes and says "I know. You've always been a masochist for early mornings. It's not normal you know."
The familiar joking about Adam's hatred of mornings gives me comfort and reminds me of what a great friend he was to me. I should have visited or called him more but I sometimes think it was survival instincts that made me try and forget about everything that happened here. It was self-preservation at the time but I'm trying to make up for it now.
"I'll actually be up at 6am if you'd like to meet then" I tell him.
"Gawd! No thank you" is all he replies and then walks away to help the photographer.
I watch the chaos in front of me and feel nostalgic again. The guys are joking and laughing. A couple of them are taking selfies and posting them on various social media. Kris dashes over to me with his phone and before I know it he's pulling me to his side and taking our picture. At least I have enough time to smile.
"Don't worry" he says to me. "You always look hot."
I can feel my cheeks get hot and know that I'm blushing. I may have developed more confidence but I still get easily embarrassed when I'm complimented.
"Ha ha" I reply.
"Anna?" I turn and there's a young woman behind me.
"Yes" I say.
"Hi, I'm Liane. I'll be helping you this evening."
Wow. I've been assigned my own intern. How quickly things change in two years.
"That's great Liane. It's nice to meet you."
"You too" she says. "Do you have a moment to go over the schedule?"
I nod and she leads me into the empty players' lounge where we sit at a table.
"Ok, so Mario is introduced first since the event is run by his foundation. He's requested that you be introduced after him so that you can enter together. We do the team last and they'll go directly to their assigned locations."
"That sounds great" I tell her.
"I'll be with you for the evening and I have a list of the media and reporters. There are also some special guests that the campaign told me you should talk with too."
She's very efficient and direct, two things that are much appreciated by clients. Wow, I guess I'm a client for her tonight. Yeah, things have changed a lot in two years. Liane gets a call, and tells me she'll be back when it's time to go in, before leaving the room.
"I heard that you're here" I hear behind me.
I look and see Chris Stewart, the team's head trainer.
"It's so good to see you Chris" I say as I stand.
We hug and I ask about his family. For the next few minutes I listen while Chris tells me about his kids who are all in high school now. A few of the equipment guys come by and join in our conversation.
"Ms. Stanton?" I hear Liane calling me. I turn and she says "we're ready now."
"Please call me Anna" I say and follow her down the hall.
"All ready?" Mario asks as I approach him.
I give him a hug and reply "yes, all ready."
It isn't long before we are introduced and there is a huge applause as we enter together. I'm well aware that it's all for Mario but it's nice just the same.
We stand to the side and wait while the team is being announced. Of course, Sid is last and gets the loudest applause. As the festivities start up, Mario leans down.
"Why don't I introduce you to a few people?" he tells me.
I nod and notice that Liane has appeared silently beside us.
For the next hour, Mario introduces me to some of the big contributors, friends of his and community leaders. I envy how easily he's able to switch between talking about his foundation and the election while giving the appropriate importance to each.
"Mario, can we have your autograph?"
A couple of fans are beside us holding out jerseys for him to sign. Soon he is enveloped by fans and Liane leads me away.
"Would you like to meet with the media now?" Liane asks me.
"Do I have to?" I ask under my breath and Liane chuckles.
"I'm afraid so" she tells me.
For the next hour, I talk to print media, am interviewed for TV and by internet reporters. It's tedious but the music is loud and upbeat and the crowd is clearly enjoying themselves. It makes the environment light and fun and the time goes by quickly. Eventually, I hear the silent auction winners being announced telling me that the evening is winding down.
I wander around the tables talking to people about the event and the foundation. Of course the conversation always turns to the Pens, their Cup win last year and the likelihood of a repeat. I see a woman with a boy about nine or ten years old. The boy is wearing a Crosby jersey and I watch as his eyes follow Sidney's movements around the room.
"Hi" I say to the mom and boy. "You're a big Crosby fan?"
"Oh yeah" the boy says to me.
"Have you met him tonight?"
The boys frowns, looks at his mom and then back at me.
"Naw" he replies.
"Do you want to meet him?"
"Oh yeah."
"Ok, I'm Anna. What's your name?"
"I'm Trevor. This is my mom."
"Hi Trevor" I say and turn to his mother. "It's nice to meet you both."
"Hi I'm Angela" she says and we shake hands.
I turn back to Trevor and say "ok Trevor. Let's go meet Sid."
He puts his hand in mine and I lead him across the room to where Sid is standing with a few fans. Sid sees us and smiles when he notices the boy. He excuses himself and walks toward us.
"Hi Sid" I say when he's in front of us. "This is your biggest fan, Trevor."
"Hey Trevor" he says and greets the boy. "You like the Penguins?"
Trevor just nods. I can tell that he's nervous and Sid must notice too.
"Would you like me to sign your jersey?" Sid asks him.
Trevor nods again then Sid leans down and signs the front of Trevor's jersey.
"Thank you Sid" the mother says and nudges her son.
"Thanks" Trevor says.
Sid looks at Trevor and says "you're welcome. Have you been to a game?"
"Yeah" Trevor says and becomes more animated at the question. "We were at the Caps game two weeks ago. You slaughtered them."
That's all Trevor seems to need to encourage him to talk. For the next five minutes, Trevor gives us a replay of the highlights of the game with details of Sid's goals.
Eventually, Trevor's mother says "I think we need to get going Trev. Sid needs to leave soon too."
We all say goodbye and Trevor and his mom walk away leaving Sid and me alone.
"He was excited" I tell Sid.
"Yeah, good kid. Smart too. Did you hear his play-by-play from the game?"
"He's adorable."
Sid and I smile at each other and, for that moment, the past doesn't exist. We are simply sharing a sweet moment.
I look around and the place is half empty and there's a small group of people standing together looking at Sid and I. A few of them have Sid's jersey in their hands.
"Looks like you have some fans waiting for you" I tell him.
"Yeah" he looks at them, "Did you still want to meet up tonight?"
"I would like to if you still have time."
"Sure, where?" he asks.
Shit, I didn't think about where we might meet. We can't meet at my hotel. That is completely inappropriate. Same thing goes for his house. There's going to be a lot of people down here cleaning up from the event so we can't stay in the player's lounge.
"How about upstairs in the office lounge?" I ask.
Sid agrees and then moves off to the small crowd of fans. Liane approaches me when he's gone.
"Is there anything else you need from me Anna?" she asks.
"No" I tell her. "Thank you so much for everything you've done to help me tonight. You are very good at your job."
"That's very kind of you" she tells me and we say goodbye.
I walk to the elevator stopping periodically to chat and catch up with those I see and know. It didn't feel like a long time but I watch Sid approach, having finished with his fans and changed his own clothes, and I realize that I've been talking for a while. He walks past me, saying hi to both me and the assistant I'm speaking with, and walks toward the elevator. When I hear the 'ding', I excuse myself from my conversation and catch the elevator before I closes.
"Hi" Sid says after the doors close.
"Hi" I reply.
"Do you remember the hour we spent trapped in here?" he asks.
"Yeah, I remember" I reply. "I also remember how surprised I was when you confessed to reading Fifty Shades of Grey."
Crap, where did that come from? I know that I'm turning red, both from my comment and remembering how we tried out some of the things we read in the book.
"Yeah" Sid says. "It's nice to see that some things haven't changed."
"What do you mean?"
"You are turning a vibrant shade of red."
"Oh" is all I can say.
He smiles a knowing smile that tells me he remembers the things we tried too and that's when I feel it. There's an overwhelming rush of emotions that wash over me too quickly to be identified at first. My chest tightens, physically tightens, and my vision swims. I can still see but it's soft and fuzzy around the edges. I feel hot and cold at the same time. There are too many emotions to catch up.
"Are you ok?" I hear Sid ask me but he sounds like he's a million miles away.
I think I feel Sid's hand on my arm but I can't parse out everything that's going on in my body. I almost feel like I'm not really part of my body, maybe not even in this elevator, and I can't move.
"Come on" Sid says.
He cups my elbow and guides me out of the elevator, down the hall, and in to the lounge where he pulls me to the sofa.
"Just sit for a moment" he tells me.
Sid moves away and I concentrate on taking deep breaths and trying to push away whatever is happening right now.
"Here" he pushes an open bottle of water into my hands. "Take some small sips."
I can feel myself calm and I follow Sid's directions to sip from the water. Finally I'm able to pull myself together and I look up where Sid is sitting in a chair across from me.
"Better?" he asks.
"Yeah, thanks."
"Are you ok?"
"Yeah, I'm good. Two and a half weeks and then I can take a very long nap." Sid furrows his brow and looks quizzical. "The election will be over."
"Oh" he says when he understands. "I guess it's been a lot of hard work."
"It's been a lot of travelling and hours" I admit.
There's a long silence like we don't know how to talk to each other. Maybe we don't after all this time.
"So how …"
"Where are you …"
We say at the same time and then laugh.
"Go ahead" he tells me.
"I was going to ask how your family is doing" I tell him.
Sid sits back and smiles.
"They're good. Taylor graduates this year."
"Wow, really. Has there been interest from Hockey Canada?"
Sid smiles like the proud brother he is, "yeah. She was cut from the last Olympic team because she was too green but she'll make it this time."
"That's great. What about you? Are you going to the Olympics this year?"
"They want me to go. If I'm healthy then I will."
"A third gold medal?"
He shrugs.
"How is your father?" he asks.
I know that the pain I'm feeling has to be showing on my face. It seems to be the only thing I can't hide, ever, from anyone.
"He doesn't have much time left" I'm surprised when the candid answer comes out of my mouth.
"Oh Anna" Sid says. "I'm so sorry."
I feel tears come into my eyes.
"We're hoping that he can hang on to see the election. He would love to see Matt win; but, it's hard for him simply to sit outside with my mother for a few hours. I don't know if he'll be able to hang on."
I feel a couple of tears slip down my cheek and Sid's hand reaches out and takes mine. I look up and he's sitting on the edge of the chair now, holding my hand and looking directly into my eyes with an empathy and understanding I've missed. Oh how I've missed him. I've tried to convince myself that I've moved on but, oh boy. I've been successful until this very moment when I'm forced to wonder how long I've been deluding myself.
Sidney
She looked so lost and sad that I reached out to take her hand impulsively, instinctively, needing to sooth and comfort. Now that I'm only a foot away from her, I'm wondering if this was such a good idea.
As the tears fall from her eyes, I want to sit beside her on the sofa and pull her into my arms. It's a primal, physical need I feel to touch her, hold her, and make everything better. But that's not my role anymore. She's not mine to take care of and comfort. I feel my heart squeeze a little at the thought and I release her hand and sit back in my chair. Anna takes a tissue out of her purse and wipes her tears.
"Sorry" she says and gives me a small smile. "It's so difficult to think that he can be gone when not long ago he was running for president. I have so much trouble seeing him frail and failing when he's always been bigger than life."
"Don't I know it" I tell her. "I remember being in that office with him while he grilled me on my intentions toward his daughter."
That elicits a smile from Anna.
"You told me that it wasn't that bad" she protests.
I smile and say "you're right, it wasn't that bad and you were definitely worth it."
We're silent for a moment. I can feel the things left unsaid between us like a wall.
"Sid, I feel compelled to talk about what happened."
I don't have to ask her what she means. Anna is talking about what happened between us two years ago and, if I'm honest with myself, I want to talk about it too.
"Ok" I reply and wait for her to begin.
"Ok" she begins. "First, I can't possibly express the amount of regret I feel for how I handled the, you know. Disappearing like it did without contacting you at all was not how I would handle it now. In fact, if it was now, I would do many things very different. I'm very sorry about how it all happened."
"I guess that's why I wanted to talk to you too. It still feels like everything just stopped and ended without it really ending, you know?" I say.
"Yeah, I know" she says. "Let's start with what happened that day. I went immediately to the Governor's mansion after you left, actually late that night I arrived, and my mother and father were waiting for me. For hours my mother alternated between asking me the same questions over and over and yelling at me about what I had done to the family."
It sounds truly horrific and part of me feels badly that she had to go through it alone; however, hearing her talk about it brings me back to that day and the hurt and pain I felt.
"Anyway" she continues. "My mother finally gave up the next morning. She finally realized that I wasn't going to give in and tell her who the father was and how everything happened."
"You never told her?" I ask surprised.
"No, I didn't tell her that it was your child. No one except us knew about that night and that we knew each other before my internship began. It wasn't fair to get you involved more than you were already Sid. Anyway, the next day was spent figuring out what our next move was, when it would happen and then preparing me when they decided on an interview. That evening, just thirty six hours after the news broke, I was on Fox News with my parents being interviewed. They kept me out of public for a week and then I joined the campaign full time."
I never thought about how hard it was for Anna. Her mother was a bitch before the shit hit the fan and I can only imagine how bad she got afterward.
"That must have been difficult" I say feeling inadequate.
"Nothing I didn't deserve" she says and then continues before I can jump in. "I guess you know the rest. My dad has cancer and Matt decided to run in his place."
"And you started dating" I want to kick myself as soon as it's out of my mouth.
"Yeah" she agrees softly. "I am so sorry Sidney that, well, for everything. I'm so sorry."
"Apology accepted, let's put it behind us, ok?"
"Ok."
I think about my words. Can I really just put it behind me that simply? She says that she's sorry so everything is ok and then that's it? Why do I still feel angry? Why do I also feel sad?
"Now everything is perfect for you" I say with more sarcasm then I intend.
"Not perfect, not near perfect" she says with sadness in her eyes.
Is she thinking about her father? Does she mean her relationship with Matt? Do I have any right to even wonder? Ask?
"Are you seeing anyone?" she asks me.
"No one seriously" I tell her.
"Oh" she says and the awkward silence builds again.
Her phone vibrates over and over, as a call, and she looks at it.
"It's Matt, excuse me" she says and answers it.
I listen as she greets him, tells him about the event and then asks if she can call him back later because she's talking with me. I can't help feeling surprised that she told him we're together. It's not like we're doing anything wrong but I am an old boyfriend. She disconnects and turns back to me.
"Matt says hi" she tells me.
I just smile not knowing what else to do.
"You look surprised" she says. "Are you surprised that I told Matt we're together?"
"A little" I admit.
"Sid, Matt and I have an open and honest relationship. We tell each other everything and he knows all about our relationship."
That makes me wonder.
"Does he know that the baby was mine?" I ask.
Anna takes a deep breath and then answers "yes."
I'm stunned and pissed.
"You said that you didn't tell anyone" I yell at her. Part of me wants to calm down but I'm too angry to think rationally. "It's none of his business Anna. How could you tell him?"
"He's going to be my husband Sid. Of course I told him."
I can't sit any longer so I get up and start pacing the room.
"Of course you told him" I repeat sarcastically back at her. "Throughout our entire relationship, all you did was lie to me but with this guy you suddenly decide to be completely forthright and honest about something that's none of his business. What the fuck Anna?"
"Oh Sidney" she says and walks to me. "I shouldn't have lied to you, ever, but I did many, many times. It taught me how important honesty is in a relationship and that's what Matt and I have promised each other."
"So what, I was practice for you?"
"What do you mean?" she asks me.
"You lied and lied to me and finally figured out that it's not good to lie. What. The. Fuck."
"Sid" she throws her hands up. "I was immature and handled our relationship badly, all of it, and I don't want to do that again."
"So I was practice for your relationship with him" I tell her. The pain slices through me. "How could you do that to me Anna? I thought you loved me!"
"Oh Sidney, I do, I mean I did love you. I didn't hurt you deliberately."
I grab her arms.
"How did you think I was going to react when I found out that you killed our child?" I yell at her.
She turns white. All colour drains from her face and she shutters.
"It wasn't like that Sid and I didn't make the decision easily. Just because I had the abortion doesn't mean that it was painless or that I don't think about it every day. We could have a child right now. I feel a knife in my heart every time I think about it. Just because I decided to have an abortion doesn't mean that I did so happily. It almost killed me. I was alone, scared and hated myself for being so stupid to have sex with a man I didn't know and without a condom too. Don't you ever think that this was easy for me!"
I take a step back and let go of her arms. She's right. I never considered how difficult it was for her to be alone, scared, and pregnant. She had to hide it from everyone, including her mother, and then take care of it herself too.
"I could have been there for you Anna. I would have been there for you if you'd told me."
"How could I know that then? I felt so stupid for essentially being a puck bunny and having sex with a hockey star that I didn't even know. Then, when I found out that I was pregnant, my world fell apart. I barely knew you and clearly you didn't even remember me. What would you have thought if I'd told you that I was pregnant? What would you parents say, your agent? Everyone would doubt that the baby was yours and then my parents would find out and it would impact my father's campaign. The world basically dissolved in front of my eyes when I looked at the stick I peed on and it said 'yes'."
"I'm a good guy Anna. You know that and I would have taken care of you."
"I know that now but how would I have known that then? You were drunk. You passed out immediately after your orgasm and right on top of me. I thought you were like every other athlete I'd heard about who screw around with girls who worship them. I was also mortified that I let myself have sex with a man I didn't know. I may not hold all of the same beliefs as my parents but I do have a more strict moral compass than most my age. I'm not a virgin but having sex with a stranger is something I would never do. Until you I guess."
I can't argue with anything that she's saying but I still feel the rage inside of me for what happened. Maybe I'm grieving for everything we lost including a happy future. Maybe I'm angry that she has a relationship with Matt that should have been our relationship. She seems to easily give him everything, including her honesty, which she never gave me.
"How did this get so fucked up?" I ask rhetorically and run my fingers through my hair.
"Because I made it so fucked up" Anna says softly.
I watch her eyes fill with tears.
Instinctively I reach and pull Anna into my arms. I feel her arms encircle my waist and her hands settle on the small of my back.
I quickly notice the changes as her body presses to mine. She's smaller and her curves are more angular rather than soft. She's in those high heels she always wears so we're almost the same height. Her scent is different. I remember that she used to smell of her shampoo, like green apples in an orchard. I can't put my finger on her current fragrance but it's much more sophisticated.
We both pull away from each other slowly. Her hands slide over my waist and then to her sides while I slide mine down her arms and then let her go.
"I'm so sorry Anna" I tell her. "For saying then and now that you killed our child."
"Didn't I?"
"We both know that it's not that simple" I tell her. "You're right. For all you knew about me, I was a rich, careless jock who fucked every girl I saw. You had no reason to know anything differently about me. When you add in your Christian and political parents, it makes sense that you would feel alone and without options."
"Ok" she says. "And I should have realized that you wouldn't be like that rich, careless jock who fucks every girl he can. Lauren always said what a great guy you were and that she considered you a big brother given how many years you lived with the Lemieuxs."
"I guess we both screwed it up, didn't we?" I say ruefully.
"Yeah" she agrees.
There's one more thing that I have to know so that I can even hope to put everything behind me.
"Do you love him Anna? Does he love you and treat you like you deserve?"
Anna looks surprised by my questions.
"Um, yes, we love each other" she tells me.
I sense something in her tone though that doesn't quite ring completely true.
"But?" I ask to encourage her to keep talking.
"But" she says softly so that I really have to listen carefully to hear her. "It doesn't begin to compare with the love I had for you."
My heart literally skips a beat at her words. What does that mean? What is she really saying?
"You do love him?" I ask.
"Yes I do. To answer your other question, yes, he treats me very well. We're a team in both our personal and professional lives, working and living as equals."
"That's good. I'm happy for you."
We stand about three feet from each other. It's strange because it feels like the distance is an inch and a mile at the same time. I've never felt closer and farther apart from her since we broke up.
"I don't know what to do now" she says.
"Neither do I" I reply.
Anna looks at her watch and says "wow, it's late. I need to call a cab to get back to my hotel."
"I'll drive you" I say, pick up her coat and hold it for her.
When her coat is on, and secretly I breathe in her heady fragrance again, we leave the room and walk the familiar route to the elevator.
On the way to my car, Anna asks me about the Cup win last season and how it felt to also win the Conn Smythe, which Geno won for our first Cup. The conversation is easy all the way to her hotel. I pull up and stop for her to get out. The concierge opens her door and she turns to me before getting out.
Anna smiles widely and I reminiscently see my girl in her grin.
"I'm glad we got to talk" she says. "I'll be in town a couple of more times over the next two weeks. I would love to see you again and maybe the Dupuis too."
"That sounds great" I tell her. "I'm glad we had a chance to talk too."
"Ok then, I'll text my travel details when they are firm" she replies and then leans over and kisses my cheek. "Bye."
The concierge shuts the door and I smell her fragrance wash over me and feel my cheek tingle where she kissed me. Before I realize it, deep, painful regret squeezes my heart and I wonder if I even have the right to wonder if it's too late for us.