Anna
"You look" Matt begins and then looks me up and down again. "Wow Anna, just absolutely wow."
I run my hands down my sides and reply "are you sure that it's not too much? It's more revealing than I usually wear."
"That's why I like it" he replies and pulls me to him.
I feel his lips on my bare shoulder and then he kisses up my neck and under my ear. I shiver when he breathes in deeply.
"And you smell just as good" he tells me. "I'm going to be distracted all night thinking about the many ways I'm going to peel this dress off of you later."
"You forget" I say on a moan. "I'm on a plane directly after the event. Back to Pittsburgh for the next two days."
"Do you know how long it's been?" he asks me.
I don't need to ask what he means. We are barely alone these days and when we are then we fall into an exhaustive sleep. It's down to the last ten days of the election and we're both working eighteen hour days sometimes together and sometimes apart. It barely leaves time to have a conversation never mind make love.
"I know exactly how long it's been" I tell him.
I slide my hands up his hard chest and don't stop until I can cup his cheeks. I know we're running late but I take a few precious seconds to kiss Matt. He quickly takes the kiss deeper and all thoughts of shaking hands, winning elections, and anything else drops out of my head.
"Ahem" I hear and Matt and I pull apart. "Sorry guys but we really need to go."
I turn and see Chris standing there, embarrassed but firm that we need to leave.
"You really have bad timing" Matt tells him and kisses me softly before we leave the room hand in hand.
As we drive to the venue, Chris runs through all of the people we'll be meeting and provides some biography and personal details so we have something to talk with them about. We'll meet 'dignitaries' together and then we'll separate so that we can cover more ground. I'm having trouble concentrating because Matt is tracing a pattern in my palm with his finger.
My phone rings and it's my mother. I want to ignore it because we are so close to the venue but my father has been failing and my mother has needed the extra support at all hours of the day. Matt squeezes my hand in support when he sees that it's my mother calling.
"Hi mother" I answer the call.
"Oh Annabelle" is all she says and then breaks down sobbing.
Instantly I know. My father has died. Oh daddy.
Matt's hand tightens in mine for a moment before he releases it and puts his arm around me. With his other hand, he gestures to Chris to stop talking.
"Mother?" I say.
Her sobs slow and then I hear her blow her nose. It's loud and indelicate telling me how much she's upset. She's usually the epitome of the southern lady.
"Mother?" I ask.
"I'm sorry Annabelle" she sniffs once more. "Your father passed about fifteen minutes ago."
I've known that this moment was coming for over a year. I've spent more time with my father in that time than I have in years and they were wonderful and very special. He's lived longer than any specialist told us that he could. No matter how much I expected it or prepared for it, the feeling of a knife stabbing repeatedly into my heart takes me by surprise and reminds me that you can't prepare for the death of a parent.
"Oh mother" is all I can say. I take a deep breath. "Are you ok?"
"I was sitting beside his bed, reading to him, and he fell asleep. I kept reading because it gives me comfort to read out loud to him and, shortly after, he breathed his last."
"But are you ok mother?"
She sniffs.
"I'm going to be fine" she tells me.
Those five words tell me that she doesn't want to discuss it right now so I follow her lead.
"Ok mother" I tell her. "Let me talk to the team and I'll organize my trip. Hopefully I can be there this evening."
"You have an event tonight, don't you? It's at the home of the Consol Energy president, right?"
I shouldn't be surprised that she knows the schedule. She follows the campaign as closely as my father does. Oh God, did.
"Mother, I'm not going to the event."
"You must! This is very important. We will keep things quiet here so as to not eat into the news cycle."
Did I really just hear my mother tell me that she will hide my father's death until after the media had reported on the campaign event?
"Oh mother, no."
"Ask her to hold on" Matt whispers to me.
"Hold for a moment mother" I tell her and then put the phone on mute.
"What is she saying?" Matt asks.
"That she won't tell anyone father died until after our event so that we can own the news cycle" I tell him bitterly.
"You know this is just her way of coping Anna" he tells me softly. "It's all she knows."
"You agree with her?" I ask, stunned.
"Of course not" he says. "Regardless of what she says and what's happening, you are getting on the first plane down to South Carolina. Fuck this event."
Matt looks at Chris who is looking at his phone.
"Chris?" Matt asks.
"If we go directly to the airport then we can get you on a plane. There will be a two hour drive from the airport but you'll get there tonight" Chris tells us.
"Go" Matt says.
Before I can say anything, Chris has told the drive to change the destination to the airport. Next Chris calls one of the interns and asks her to go to the hotel and pack my things quickly. They should get to the airport for me.
I give both Matt and Chris a watery smile and then unmute my phone.
"Mother" I begin. "I have a seat on a flight tonight and will be there shortly after midnight."
"Annabelle …"
"Mother don't" I interrupt her. "There is no way that I'm going to a political event after I've heard that my father has died. Ok?"
"Ok" she agrees softly.
I hand my phone to Chris so that he can give her the details of my travel and then I turn to Matt.
"Oh baby" he says and pulls me close to kiss my forehead. "I'm so sorry."
I go into his arms and absorb the comfort I find there. I'm going to need all of this comfort and strength to get through the next few days.
"We'll cut the night short but I still don't think that I'll get out tonight. I'll book a flight first thing in the morning."
"Matt, you have two important meetings in the morning. There's nothing that you can do before the funeral."
"I can be there for you" he says forcefully. "And I will be there for you."
I look at Matt and can tell that he's made up his mind. If I'm honest with myself, I know that I'll feel better if he's with me.
"Thank you" I say and kiss him.
He pulls me so that I can rest my cheek on his chest where I remain for the rest of the ride to the airport. When we arrive, Chris gets out of the car but Matt and I stay.
"It's going to be a circus" I tell him. "My mother is usually her own carnival but adding the media, politicians and dignitaries will make it a full circus you know."
"Yeah, I know" Matt says. "That's just one of the reasons that I'm going to be there tomorrow morning."
"At least the funeral is planned and just needs to be put in motion. I'm really hoping we can have it quickly and then" I stop talking.
"Anna, don't think beyond what's right in front of you and definitely don't think about the campaign. The next couple of days is for you and family. You've known your father was dying but you still need to grieve. I don't care about anything but you right now, ok? When I get on that plane in the morning, everything about the campaign goes away and Chris can worry about it. We're all that's important."
I look up and stroke his cheek. He truly is a wonderful man.
"How did I get so lucky?" I say and try to smile.
"We're both lucky" he says and kisses me softly.
The door opens and we pull apart.
"Ok" Chris begins as he leans in. "We have your ticket. You and your bag are checked in and the flight leaves in forty five minutes."
"Thank you Chris" I say.
"You're very welcome" he replies. "I'm so sorry for your loss."
I give him a grateful smile. When he steps back, both Matt and I get out of the care and walk together into the terminal. When we arrive at security, Chris gives me my ticket and then gives Matt and me a few moments alone.
"I really wish I could come with you right now" Matt says as he hugs me close.
"It's too late to fully cancel the event" I tell him. "Plus, there's really nothing for you to do tonight. I'll see you in the morning."
"I know but I still wish that I could be there with you."
I pull back and kiss him softly, slowly, drawing strength from him.
"Ok, I have to go" I tell him.
"Ok" he pulls back. "Text as soon as you land and then when you get there, ok?"
"Ok" I agree. "I love you."
"I love you" he says.
The next six hours are a blur of waiting, traveling, waiting some more, and traveling some more, but shortly after midnight, the driver pulls the car onto my family's plantation and then in front of the house. The land originally served as a rice plantation in the 1700's since it's on the north banks of the North Santee River. It stopped being a working plantation in my grandparent's generation. As an only child, the home was left exclusively to my mother and I came to love it when we spent a lot of summers here growing up.
The house is lit up which tells me that my mother waited up for me. I'm no sooner in the door then my mother envelopes me in her arms and holds on tight. I hug her close and we cling to each other.
Eventually we each pull back and I look at my mother. She's very pale and I can tell that she's lost even more weight than I last saw her. For the first time in my life, my mother looks frail and no matter what has happened in the past, I know that we'll both be here to comfort each other.
"Hi mama" I say through the tears.
"Oh my baby" she says and hugs me tight again.
When she pulls back, she looks at front door and sees the driver standing there with my bags.
"I'm so very sorry. Where are my manners?" she tells him. "Do you need a signature?"
"No ma'am" he tells her. "I wanted to convey my condolences to you on the passing of Governor Stanton."
With a nod, he puts down bags and shuts the front door as he leaves.
"Come, you must be exhausted" my mother says as she pulls me to the stairs. "I had your old room made up for you and Leonard is taking your bags up."
I look up the stairs and sure enough the butler, Leonard, is half way up with my bags. My mother and I follow him. When we get in front of the room, we pause.
"Would you like me to unpack for you?" Leonard asks me.
"No, thank you" I reply.
"Is there anything else you need Miss Stanton?" he asks.
"No, thank you so very much" I reply.
My mother and I go into my room. I continue into the adjoining bathroom to pee after a long drive. When I'm finished and enter back into my bedroom, my mother is unpacking for me. I'm not surprised. She likes to keep busy.
"Mother, I can do that" I tell her.
"I'm almost finished" she tells me.
"Is daddy, um" I can't bring myself to ask.
"The coroner was here and they've taken him to the funeral home" she confirms.
"Ok" I reply. "Matt will be coming in the morning."
"He has so many things on the go right now. He can wait and come to the funeral."
"He wants to be here mother."
"He is such a good man. He'll make a wonderful Governor."
"He says that he's learned from watching the best."
"Your father was the best, wasn't he? He desperately wanted to see Matthew win the election."
She finishes putting the last of my clothes into the drawer and then turns back to me.
"You'll want to get some rest" she tells me.
"Do you need anything?" I ask her.
"I'm so happy that you are here. Your sister will be here tomorrow and then I have everything I need."
Oh yay, my sister is coming tomorrow.
"Ok, goodnight" I kiss her cheek and she leaves the room.
I text Matt to see if he's available and he says to give him a couple of minutes so I get ready for bed. I have just climbed into bed when I hear Skype ringing so I slide down to my pillow and answer the call.
"Hi babe" Matt says as his face fills the screen.
He's lying in bed too.
"Hi" I say and smile for the first time in hours.
"You know when I said that I wanted to take you to bed tonight, this wasn't exactly what I meant" he says.
"Me either" I agree.
"How are you?" he asks.
"I'm ok. Really tired but ok."
"How about your mother?"
"She's holding together but the strain is showing. My sister will be here tomorrow so she's looking forward to having both of her daughters together again."
"Play nice" he teases.
"Of course I will. Besides, you'll be here for my sister to flirt with and that will keep her busy."
"Don't you dare leave me alone with her" he warns.
"Ok, I'll save you, don't worry" I tell him. "Tell me about the event"
"Chris was very happy."
"It takes a lot for Chris to be happy so it went very well."
"It was actually ok. A few snobs as you'd expect with this group but the Lemieuxs were there. That Nathalie is very sweet."
"Yeah, Sid said that she was great to live with. She treated him like one of the kids" I tell him.
"She must be superwoman having four kids to raise and Sid and Mario playing hockey" he pauses for a moment. "I should arrive before lunch tomorrow. Chris has requested that he come too. He would come to the funeral anyway but he'd like to come early and help manage the media for your family too."
"I know he wants to stay close to you so he can continue to manage the campaign and be close to his candidate" I say. "But, it's very kind of him to offer to assist us too. Since my father resigned, there is no one to help with those types of things. He's a really good guy."
"He is but I still wouldn't want to cross him."
"Oh God, yeah, me neither."
We both chuckle. I watch Matt switch off the bedside light and lie down on the pillow. His face is illuminated by the screen light. I do the same and prop the phone on the pillow beside mine where Matt usually sleeps.
"Does your mother know that I'm sleeping in that bed with you this time?" he asks.
I remember the last time we visited my parents and my mother insisted that Matt and I sleep in different rooms. I wanted to argue more but Matt said we should respect her wishes in her home. I guess he doesn't think that anymore.
"I can agree with that" I tell him.
He looks so tired, even more than when I left him earlier this evening. I'm hoping we can have a very long nap when this election is over.
"You need sleep" he tells me.
"So do you."
Neither of us moves.
"Ok, really, we both need sleep. I'll see you in the morning. I love you" he tells me.
"Love you too" I reply and turn off the phone.
I snuggle down into the blanket and pillow and don't even remember falling asleep.
Sidney
I park the car and walk up to Duper's front door. He answers it after only a few moments.
"Hey Sid" he says and backs up for me to enter the house.
I take off my jacket and follow Duper to the kitchen. Instead of Carole-Lyn and the kids, sitting at the kitchen table is Tanger and Flower each with a beer.
"What's this?" I ask the group at large. "The French mafia?"
The guys chuckle and Duper hands me a beer before sitting down too.
"I like that" Flower says and takes a drink of his beer. "The French mafia."
"Seriously guys, what's going on?" I ask. "Is this an intervention?"
"Yes" Duper says. "Yes, it is."
Now I'm even more confused.
"What do I need an intervention for?" I ask.
The guys all exchange looks and then look back at me.
"Each of us has tried to talk to you individually" Tanger begins. "We didn't want to push and we all hoped you spoken with someone."
"Talked about what?" I ask confused.
"It used to be that we could divide your career into pre-concussion Sid and post-concussion Sid. Before, you were single mindedly focused on hockey to the exclusion of everything else. After the concussion, you still put your all into hockey, and played better than ever, but you started living too" Duper says.
"Okay" I say.
"Now we have a new measurement" he says.
"Pre-Anna and Post-Anna" Flower says.
What! Huh?
"Sid, you have to have noticed that after Anna left you went back to the single minded focus on hockey. You didn't come to Montreal this summer" Duper says.
"Or Alex's birthday party" from Tanger.
"Or even to California to train" Flower agrees.
"You play, practice and train" Duper says. "Then you become a hermit at home, whether it's here in Pittsburgh or in Cole Harbour."
Holy shit, it is an intervention.
"You've stopped living Sid" Flower tells me. "You're only, comment dites-vous?"
"Existing?" Tanger fills in.
"Yes" Flower agrees. "Existing. You're only existing."
I want to argue but I'm seeing the truth in the eyes of my friends reflecting back at me. Even though I've managed to ignore how I've changed since Anna, I can't possible ignore it any longer. Have I really missed birthdays, spending time with family and friends, and everything that doesn't involve hockey? I guess so. Even for my day with the Cup this summer, all of the time was spent at public events and sharing the Cup with strangers. The first time we won, I had a huge party for family and friends. This time I did nothing with family and friends. God, I didn't even realize it.
"We don't know what happened between you and Anna, and you don't have to tell us" Tanger quickly adds. "But you do need to come back to the living. You have to let us help you come back to the living."
"Look at it this way Sid" Duper says. "It's starting to impact the team. You aren't the same guy you used to be and the guys notice it. You're playing as well as ever but you know that's only part of what you bring to this team."
I look at the guys around the table. They're more than team mates, more than friends even. These guys have become my brothers. We've won together, lost together, been through concussions, strokes, broken bones and blood clots together. If I can't trust them, then I can't trust anyone.
"The baby was mine" I say softly and stare down at my beer.
I can't look at my friends right now. I don't know what they might think about it but I really can't look at them as I pour out my biggest secret.
There's nothing but silence for a very long time; or, at least it feels like a very long time.
"But she said that it happened years before when she was a teenage" Flower says softly.
"What?" I ask.
"In the interview she gave with her parents, after the news about it broke, she said that it happened years ago when she was a teenager. You just met her that season."
I look up and finally look at them. Their faces show a mix of surprise and empathy.
"We hooked up at Beau's end of season party that spring after the Rangers took us down when we had that 3-0 lead in the series. Anyway, I didn't even remember I was so fucking drunk that night. She got pregnant, had an abortion and the rest is history. I only found out when it was made public. I was stunned that she could do that to me and told her so, in a not very nice way. We didn't talk for two years until that fundraiser at Mario's a week ago."
"Oh" is all Tanger says and the others are silent again.
"What bothered you kid?" Duper asks me. "I mean it's just us guys here so you don't need to worry about saying the 'right' thing. I know that you're family is Catholic."
"At first, that's what I thought was bothering me. She killed our child" I tell them and watch the guys nod.
Duper's right. I'm glad that there isn't a woman here. It's a woman's body and it's her right, legally and otherwise, to decide if she is going to have an abortion; but, it's more complicated than that for me. It was the child I made with the woman I love. It's not nearly that simple.
"Anyway, when I was finally able to think clearly, I realized that I completely understood her point of view and the position she was in when it happened. If I was in her shoes, I most likely would have done the same thing." I pause and take a swig of my beer. "It wasn't the abortion. It was the lying. After we had started a relationship, said that we loved each other, and she didn't tell me she aborted our child. That wasn't the first time that she hadn't been honest with me. It was kind of a problem that we were working through."
I look at the guys and know that they understand what I'm saying. That's when I realized that they are all fathers. Tanger's wife is even pregnant right now with their second child. If anyone is going to understand, these guys will and I know that there will be no judgement here.
"Anyway, now it's too late" I tell them. "She's engaged and part of this political power couple. She's so fucking different but I can still see the same girl inside sometimes. When we talked last week, it felt like years since we spoke and yet like no time had gone by."
"You still love her" Duper says softly.
I seek his eyes and shake my head.
"It's too late Dupe" I tell him.
"That's not a no" Tanger says.
"I don't even know her any more" I tell them.
"Still not a no" Flower says.
"She's engage and has a brand new life" I tell them.
"Still not a no Sid" Duper says.
"It's too late" I tell them.
They stare back at me.
"What?" I ask.
Slowly, they each start smiling at me. Occasionally, they glance at each other but their grins all grow.
"Seriously, I'm getting pissed guys, what?"
Finally, it's Duper who says "we're going to help you get her back."
The three of them chuckle and start talking in French. It's too fast, and they seem to be talking all at once, for me to follow most of it.
"Guys" I shout over the din. "I appreciate it, I love you for it, but you're forgetting something. She is engaged and has started a new life. Matt is a good guy too. I'd love to hate him, and trust me I've tried, but he treats her well and loves her. When we talked the night of the casino for the first time since that night. I mean really talked about everything that happened, it gave me some closure. It probably did the same for her too. I won't disrupt her world when she's clearly happy with her choice."
The guys quiet because they know that I'm right.
"Did she really have a choice Sid? It doesn't sound that way" Tanger asks. "If really had a choice and knew that you love her, are you sure that she would choose Matt?"
"I've fucked it up Tanger. It's really fucked up and beyond salvaging. Besides, it would be selfish for me break up her happiness now."
"Maybe Tanger's right Sid" Flower says. "I know what you mean about not wanting to hurt her if she's really happy but what if she started with this guy because she didn't know that you still love her. Maybe she settled for a good guy instead of the right guy."
"Fuck" Duper says. "We sound like that tele novella the nanny watches."
That breaks the tension and we all laugh again.
"Look" Duper continues. "It's something for you to consider kid. Think about it this way: will you regret it if you don't? Life is too short."
Duper's words echo in my head an hour later as we eat the chilli that Carole-Lyn left for us. Then the girls come back with the kids and chaos ensues. There are kids running everywhere and I lose track of how many climb on top of me.
"Horsy, horsy" Lola says to me so I pull her onto my back and run her around.
"Hey, the season's starting in a week Lo, don't hurt our captain!" Duper yells to us.
The families need to get home and I take the opportunity to leave too. As I do, Carole-Lyn pulls me aside.
"Sid, you need to listen to your heart" she whispers.
I'm unable to ask her anything because Vero calls for her and the quiet moment is over.
As I drive home, my phone rings and it's Mario.
"Hi Mario" I answer the call.
"Hi Sid, I just heard and thought you'd want to know. Governor Stanton died yesterday."
My first thought is of Anna. This must be so difficult for her and I immediately want to call her, check in and see if I can do anything. I have to remind myself that it's not my role anymore.
"Sid?"
"Sorry Mario, I'm still here."
"Nathalie and I are flying down tomorrow morning for the funeral and then we're flying directly back. They're having the funeral at the family's estate in Charleston so I've charted a plane and it can drop us at a private airport only five minutes away from the house."
I don't know how to ask if I can go with them. We have a scheduled day off tomorrow so I won't be missing anything with the team.
"Do you want to come with us?" Mario says and saves me from asking.
I go with my heart, thinking about Carole-Lyn's words, and say "yes, I would."
"Great, I'll have Nathalie email you all of the details and we'll meet you at the airport."
We say goodbye and I continue the short drive home.
Even when I'm settled with a drink in front of the TV watching the Pirate's first playoff game, I have trouble focusing on the game. My mind replays the conversation with the guys this afternoon. Over and over I think about Tanger's question:
'If she knew that she had a choice, are you sure that she would choose Matt?'
But she's already made her choice and seems very happy with it. What right do I have to screw that up for her? The problem is that Carole-Lyn's' words run through my mind over and over too.
'You need to listen to your heart.'
I love her. I may be confused about a lot but my heart knows that I still love her.
Ok, at least I've admitted it to myself. I still love her and can't see a future without her. Now what?
I physically give my head a shake as if I could stop my mind from whirling with that one movement. The only thing that I know I have to do is be at the funeral tomorrow. She needs to know that I'm thinking about her and that I care. I'm brought out of my contemplation when my phone rings. It's my mom.
"Hi mom."
"Hi sweetie, how are you?"
"I'm good. How are you guys doing?"
"We're good too. Your sister was just named the goalie of the month."
"Wow, go Tay."
"Yeah, she's excited. Anyway, I heard that Anna's father died."
"Yes, he passed away yesterday."
"Are you going to the funeral?"
I'm not surprised by my mother's question. She's never asked me about the break up with Anna but I know that both mom and dad loved her.
"Actually, I am. I'm going with Mario and Nathalie."
"I'm glad sweetie. No matter what happened between you, Anna needs all those who love her around during this difficult time."
Even my mother knows that I still love Anna. Mom sees everything so I shouldn't be surprised.
"Well, I'm going down for the day. It's fortunate that we have a scheduled day off."
"You'd go anyway" mom tells me.
She's right of course. I would have figured out how to be there even if we didn't have the day off.
"Give her our condolences and love Sidney."
"Will do mom. Love you."
"Love you too sweetie."
I disconnect the phone and stare at it for an unknown amount of time. I just can't seem to move. My mind keeps playing over that last moment with Anna two years ago. The pain slices at my heart over and over with that very moment when I find out that the child was mine. All of the times when she lied to me or didn't tell me the whole truth amplifies that pain.
But it's different this time because these memories are quickly chased away by thoughts of being trapped in the elevator and our first long talk, making love with her over and over, hearing her say 'I love you.' Was it only four months that we were together? I guess the length of time matters less than the amount of love you share. Fuck, I do sound like a tele novella.
Before I can talk myself out of it, I hit redial.
"Sidney?" mom answers the phone.
"Mom, I still love Anna and want her back. The guys held and intervention today and told me that I need to tell Anna how I feel. Carole-Lyn said that I should follow my heart. I'm unsure because she seems so happy, not to mention that she's engaged to a good guy, and it's been two years. What do I do?" I stop talking and wait. I wait for a while before asking "mom, are you there?"
"I'm here sweetie, just processing everything."
"Ok" I reply.
"First, I understand your reticence to talk to her now when her life seems settled and happy. I get it sweetie. It's not an easy decision to make. Do you think she still loves you too?"
"I have no idea mom. We had a really great talk about everything that's happened the night of the casino. It felt like we made peace with what happened. She could think that she's put it all behind her."
"But you don't know for sure."
"No" I admit.
"Tell me how you feel about her."
"She's the first and only girl I've loved mom. I thought that I was in love before but every other relationship seems childish and trivial compared to how I felt, feel, about Anna. She's smart as hell, sweet and kind, loving. She gets me. There aren't a lot of people who I let in like that and she definitely got in and has apparently stayed."
"Do you see a future with her? Children?"
"Yes" I say immediately.
"Think about Carole-Lyn's comment. What does your heart tell you to do?" I think about the question. "Don't think about it Sidney. How do you feel? What's in your heart?"
"I love her."
"Then you need to tell her." She says. "Not tomorrow of course but you should, soon. Be honest and candid with her and then it's her decision. If she's happy in her new life and has put your relationship behind her then she'll tell you. But, if she still loves you, then this is her opportunity to tell you. Every time that you've succeeded in anything it was because you took a risk, worked hard and did your honest best."
I'm quiet for a few moments processing my mother's words. She's always been my morale compass and has guided me in the right direction every time. If she thinks that I should do it …
"Ok mom" I agree. "She'll be coming to Pittsburgh in another week, a few days before the election, so I'll meet with her and we'll talk.
"Good sweetie. I'm proud of you and love you so much."
"I love you too mom. Thanks."
I disconnect again but feel much better than earlier. The decision is made and I'm going to tell Anna how I feel. A weight lifts off of my chest and I instantly feel lighter, freer, than I have in two years.
With a smile on my face, I turn off the TV and go to my bedroom. I get ready for bed and then set the alarm so that I get up in time to meet the Lemieuxs at the plane.
With the new lightness, I easily fall into a restful and deep sleep.
I wake to my alarm feeling better than I have in the past two years. I'm in love and, even if Anna is still engaged and might not feel the same, the clarity allows me to brush off all of the pain that I've been carrying. The past is just that, the past, and the only thing I can change is the future. Today is the beginning. Today is going to be a very difficult day for Anna and I need her to know that I care. The rest is for later.
I drink my breakfast shake while I go through my morning routine. It doesn't take me long to get ready, be out the door and then I'm quickly at the airport. Mario and Nathalie arrive shortly after I do.
"You look so nice" Nathalie says as she gives me a hug and straightens my tie.
Mario and I shake hands and then we all go to the chartered plane waiting outside of the small private terminal. We're on the plane and in the air quickly. Since it's a small plane, it's very loud which precludes having a conversation so I do what I do best on planes; I fall asleep.
The change in the speed and sound of the plane wakes me. When I look out the window, I see that we've started our descent. We're quickly on the ground and departing the plane where a car is waiting for us.
"That's better" Nathalie says as the car doors close. "Those planes are more convenient but they are very noisy."
Mario and I chuckle as we all settle back and the driver starts the car.
"I imagine the funeral is going to be large. We had to give them our names and social security numbers so that we were cleared through security" Nathalie says.
"Really?" I ask.
"There are going to be senators, governors, congressmen, lots of people who need security" Mario says.
"Oh" I reply.
I keep forgetting that Anna's father was the Governor which means there will be lots of politicians at the funeral. As a recent presidential nominee, that amps up the number and governmental levels of the attendees.
"Apparently the president wanted to be here but he's currently in Africa. The vice-president will be here in his place" Nathalie.
Wow.
The car slows down and I notice that there is a long line of limos and SUVs, all with black-out windows, in line to go through security. When it's our turn, the driver talks to the guard with the clipboard and then lowers the back window.
"May I see some ID" the guard says into the window.
He checks all of our IDs against his list and then tells us to go ahead. There's another line of cars up to the side of the massive house. I can see white chairs set up in rows peeking out behind the house but most of the area is obscured by the house itself.
It's finally our turn to leave the car and we join another line on the walkway up the side of the house.
"This is quite a production" Nathalie whispers.
When we finally get to the back of the house, I see that we're in a receiving line to give our condolences to the family. I don't see Anna until we get closer.
She's dressed in a black suit with an American flag pin. She hugs the person in front of her and I watch her mouth 'thank you'. When he moves on, I see that Matt is standing beside Anna. I guess it makes sense that he's with her. He is going to be part of their family when they marry. Part of me is glad that she has someone standing by here because her sister and mother won't be useful. Another part of me knows that I should be the one beside her.
I'm surprised when her eyes find mine. At first she seems surprised to see me but then her eyes fill and she gives me a watery smile. I let out a breath that I didn't realize I was holding. My attention is diverted when it's my turn to speak with Mrs. Stanton.
I don't know what I expected, but Mrs. Stanton is friendly, thanks me for coming and expresses her appreciation for my condolences. Next, I get to meet Anna's sister for the first time. She is exactly what I expected; a mini-me of Mrs. Stanton only she hugs me and holds on a little too long for comfort. I would swear that she's flirting if I wasn't at her father's funeral. I excuse myself as quickly as I can politely which moves me on to Anna.
"Anna" I say and the rest of my words leave me.
I follow Carole-Lyn's advice and hug Anna. She slides her arms around me, hugs me close and sighs. I remember Matt standing beside her and take a step back.
"How are you holding up?" I ask her.
"Getting through it" she replies softly. She backs up a step and says, louder, "you remember Matt?"
I turn to Matt and hold out my hand.
"Nice to see you Matt" I say. "My condolences."
"Thank you" he says and shakes my hand. "It's good to see you too."
I'm cognizant of the long line behind me so I move on.
When we're through the line, I follow Mario and Nathalie to a tent that has been set up with small tables and chairs, a long bar and servers walking around with food drinks. I don't know that I've ever seen a catered funeral before. Maybe a buffet back at the church's hall after the funeral; but, there's Champaign in crystal flutes and tiny pastries filled with unknown stuffing.
A server stops and offers us wine which Mario and Nathalie take. I ask if they have water and the server goes off to find me some. I do eat some of the food being passed around. It doesn't enlighten me as to what the stuffing is but they're all good.
That's all the time we have to ourselves because both Mario and I are quickly surrounded by people who want to talk hockey. It's a fucking funeral and people want autographs and pictures. We both do it because it's preferable to causing a scene.
The lights in the tent flash which apparently is the signal that we should all take our seats. This is seriously surreal. I've never experienced a funeral like this in my entire life but I follow along and we find our seats. There is a make-shift 'alter' set up in front of hundreds of white folding chairs with an aisle up the middle. It's a huge outdoor church.
Shortly after everyone is seated, I watch a bunch of guys in suits and sunglasses come into the area and stand around the perimeter. There are a lot of them. Soon after, the vice-president walks in with his wife and takes a seat in the front row.
"If you'll please stand" a voice says over the speakers and everyone does.
The priest walks up the aisle first with some alter boys – or whatever they call them in a southern non-denominational church – followed by the casket with pallbearers and then Mrs. Stanton and Anna's sister and then Anna and Matt. The family and pallbearers sit in the front row at the other side of the aisle from the vice president. Everyone sits down and the priest or reverend begins the funeral.
As the funeral progresses, I get bored and start looking at people. I recognize a few politicians and a few other people who I've seen at Mario and Nathalie's house for fundraisers. My attention is drawn back to the proceedings when the priest, reverend, whatever, introduces the vice president.
He provides greetings and condolences on behalf of the president and then delivers a surprise eulogy. I didn't realize that he knew the governor and his family so well since the current administration is democratic and the governor was republican. He provides amusing anecdotes, talks about the arguments they used to have and shares the Governor's great accomplishments.
When the funeral is over, everyone is invited to stay for lunch. Most of the politicians, including the vice president leave, so that there's about half of us left. Mario and Nathalie are talking to a couple across the room and I stand on the edge of the funeral area and look over the beautiful land.
"It's gorgeous isn't it?"
I turn and see Matt standing beside me looking over the pasture too.
"It really is. I love being in nature like this, when you can't see anything man made as far as you can see."
"You have a place on the water, right?" he asks me.
"Yes, in Nova Scotia. I have a house on a lake where there is great fishing and I can forget about everything but the quiet."
"It was really great of you to come today. Anna really appreciated it, as do I. We didn't think that you would be able to come since you're in training camp."
It really grates at me when he says 'we.'
"Fortunately we had a scheduled day off today so I hitched a ride with Mario and Nathalie" I reply. I desperately want to change the subject so I ask "how is the election going? I hear that you're ahead in the polls."
"Yeah, that's what my team tells me. I really wish that the Governor was able to hang on until election day. Even when he was feeling his worst, he still watched the news and read reporting on the election. When he couldn't read himself, Mrs. Stanton would read the newspapers to him. She would only read articles positive about my campaign because the Governor would get agitate whenever they said anything negative."
I don't know what to say to that or how to respond. Given my thoughts the last two days about Anna, I'm feeling incredibly guilty talking with Matt like I'm not going to try and steal his girl. He's a good guy who clearly loves Anna and cares about her family. He even knows more about them then I do.
"Excuse me" Matt and I both look over as Anna speaks to us.
"Hi" Matt says and kisses her cheek.
"I'm sorry to interrupt but Congressman Adler is looking for you" she says.
"Ok, even at a funeral I guess duty calls" Matt says. "It was good to see you Sid."
"You too" I say and shake his hand.
Anna and I are left alone and I feel tongue tied. It's like I don't even know how to talk to her anymore so I go with the obvious.
"How are you really?" I ask.
She gives me a smile.
"Ok, I guess" she tells me. "My sister has been a basket case so everyone needs to take care of her. My mother has gone into uber-southern mode where everything is wonderful and she never sits down or stops talking."
"Which leaves you to take care of everything else" I say.
"Yeah" she replies. "I told Matt not to come down yesterday and to wait until the funeral. I'm so glad that he didn't listen to me. He's been able to take care of some of the craziness so I didn't have to, and by craziness, I mean my sister.
I chuckle but don't know what else to say. I know what I want to say but this is not the right time.
"When are you back in Pittsburgh?" I ask.
"Um, I think in two or three days."
"Do you want to have dinner while you're in town? Maybe if you're too busy we could just grab a drink."
Anna looks surprised at my question but smiles and says "I'd like that Sid."
I know that I'm smiling widely but I can't help it.
"Great, let me know when you're free."
"I will" she says. "My mother is waving me over. Oh boy, she's grinning. That can't be good." She gives me a quick hug and says "thank you so much for coming. It means a lot."
"You're welcome. I'll see you soon."
Then she is gone with only a whiff of her perfume left behind. Oh God, in a couple of days I'm going to tell Anna that I still love her. Or maybe I won't, the guilt of talking with Matt begins to eat at me. Fuck. At least I have a few days to figure it out.