39.

A week after Sarah's inattention to detail and lack of respect for others' property caused Ed to tell her and her sort-of boyfriend to get the hell out of his house, Olivia insisted she and Ed host a dinner in order to bury the hatchet and get the Tucker family back on track. After hurriedly dressing and fleeing her father's wrath, Sarah texted the next day with an apology, but she made the mistake of adding heart and smiley-face emojis which Ed took to mean she had zero remorse and zero recognition for how out of bounds she'd been. They hadn't seen Brooke nor Sarah since the run-in. Ed assumed Brooke was also complicit since Sarah out of their apartment gave her free rein to, as he put it, "run around naked with Carisi all day."

"He was working," Olivia deadpanned, trying to get him to lighten up. However, Ed was unflappable in his angry, cranky mood. She let him stew for the week, but when Friday night rolled around and he was still irritable, she put her foot down.

"We're inviting Sarah and Brooke over for dinner tomorrow, and we're going to talk."

"Talk about what?" Ed snapped. "We shouldn't have to talk with two women in their twenties to explain to them that someone else's apartment is not theirs for the taking."

"Ed, big picture? It's a small problem. But, we can't let it turn into a huge issue. Do you really want to shut Sarah and, by extension, Brooke out forever?"

"Of course not."

"Well, there'll be this tension until we clear it up. Let's be the bigger people and invite them over."

"Whose side are you on?"

Taken aback by the edginess directed at her, Olivia frowned. "Yours. Always. But if we…we…let this fester, it'll get worse. C'mon," she sat next to him and patted his thigh. "Let's fix this."

Ed slowly turned to her. His jaw was still set, but his eyes softened slightly. "Fine."

"Good. I'll let them know."

"Alright."

He grabbed her waistband when she got up and tugged her back down and into his lap. Olivia laughed, but Ed was serious and nearly inhibited her breathing with his embrace. "How did I ever live without you?"

…..

At Ed's mother's house, a framed cross-stitch print gifted to Caroline years ago hung on the wall in the front hallway near the coat closet. On it were simplistic faces meant to represent each of Caroline's offspring and grandchildren and at the bottom were the words all my blessings. Ed thought of that piece of wall art now as Noah entertained everyone with his antics. First, he showed off his tumbling (swimming lessons were on hiatus, so Olivia enrolled him in a preschool gymnastics class), then he sang a song he'd learned that week at day care, and, finally, he sat down between Sarah and Brooke and flipped through his entire catalog of iPad drawings which took up the entire space of time between dinner preparation and dinner actually being served. Thanks to Noah, the tension in the room had nearly dissipated when everyone took their places at the table.

"Everything looks great guys," Brooke remarked.

Not even Ed, the most reluctant Tucker, could disagree. At Olivia's urging, they decided to attempt to cook a fancier meal than usual. After clicking through a few online cookbooks, they settled on braised short ribs with garlic mashed potatoes, green beans, and baguette slices perfect for soaking up the juices from the tender meat.

"Thank you," Olivia replied, "It was definitely a team effort." She reached over and patted the top of Ed's hand and he smiled sweetly.

"Sure was."

Ed sat at the head of the table with Olivia on his right side and Noah on the left. Sarah was next to Noah and Brooke next to Olivia. The table was too large to use the entire length for just the five of them, and Olivia was glad to be situated so the meal didn't look like an interrogation.

"Okay, everyone, dig in." Olivia loaded her plate and passed the dishes to the others while Ed took an unnecessarily long time cutting Noah's meat and green beans. She sipped her wine before taking a bite of anything.

"What dis?" Noah eyed his plate skeptically.

"Meat and potatoes, bud," Ed told him, "Meal of champions. Make ya strong."

Noah took a tiny bite of the potatoes. "Mmmmm. They good."

"Told ya. Try everything at least once."

"Kay. You try too!"

"Sure will."

Both Sarah and Brooke raved about the food and did not hide their surprise that the meal had actually been prepared in their kitchen and not from a local restaurant.

"Are you sure we're not gonna find any take out bags around here?" Sarah asked.

Ed was quick to reply. "If there are any, I'm sure you'll be the one to find them."

"Daddy."

It turned out to be the perfect segue into more serious matters. Noting both Ed and Olivia were looking at her expectantly, Sarah launched into the apology she'd planned in anticipation for this very moment.

"Daddy, Livvie, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I…I was being selfish and not thinking. I have a bunch of excuses, but they don't matter. I promise you it won't happen again. And I'll give you your key back. I understand if you don't trust me with it."

Olivia glanced at Ed who looked back at her, hoping she'd take over from here.

"Sarah, we do trust you," Olivia began, "We trust you with our key and with Noah and everything else. We were incredibly disappointed, though, in being blindsided like that. And also that you invited someone in here who is a complete stranger to us. Even if…even if you would've called us and asked if you could stay here, that would've been easier to stomach than coming home to what we came home to."

"It won't happen again," Sarah repeated.

Ed busied himself with his food and with helping Noah navigate his plate without spilling too much on the floor or on himself. He was generally a neat eater for a three-year-old, but the saucy main dish proved challenging.

"Here, pal." Ed handed him a piece of baguette, "Use this to soak up some sauce."

Noah followed instructions and popped the bread in his mouth.

"Like it?"

"Uh-huh!" He exclaimed and reached for another piece of bread.

Finally, Ed turned his attention back to the women in his life. "Who's the guy?"

Olivia, Sarah, and Brooke exchanged amused glances. They all thought the next words out of Ed's mouth would something to reinforce what Olivia had just said.

"His name's Isaac," Sarah said. "I met him…at Noah's day care actually."

"New boyfriend?"

"I don't know."

"Looked like a new boyfriend." Ed took a bite and then a sip of his wine, intent on not letting Sarah off this hook.

"We're, new."

"What's that mean?"

"It means we're figuring things out."

"Looked like you had a lot figured out already."

Sarah desperately looked to Brooke for help. "They're casual," Brooke tried explaining, "He's in law school. Sarah's busy. It's not a good time for either of them to start something serious."

"Having sex in our house isn't serious?" Ed took another bite, swallowed, realized the crowd thought his question was rhetorical, and continued in a teasing, albeit biting tone, "I mean, I've had sex here I dunno how many times and I still think it's serious."

Everyone except for Noah strained to avoid spitting out their food. Sarah coughed and reached for water. Brooke sat back and fanned herself. Olivia managed to swallow and then burst into laughter.

"Omigod, omigod, omigod."

"Dad…Jesus Christ," Brooke murmured.

"Deezus Kist!" Noah exclaimed.

Somehow, Ed managed to remain stoic. "Alright," he said, "No more adult language around the lad," he said authoritatively. "No more adult language around our son. No more breaking into our apartment for casual sex. No more using our key for anything other than what you're supposed to use it for. Understood?"

"Yes."

"Got it."

Olivia got Noah's attention. "Sweet boy, we don't say Jesus Christ either." She screwed up her face, "At least, not the way Brookey said it." Olivia was thankful he didn't seem to pick up on the sex talk.

"Brookey go to timeout," Noah stated seriously. "Brookey say—"

"NOAH!"

Sarah tickled him. "You're sending people to timeout now, Noey Boey?"

"Uh-huh!" He exclaimed, giggling. "You go to timeout, Sare bear!"

"Who else has to go to timeout?"

"Daddy!"

"Daddy?" Sarah asked in disbelief. "Daaaaaddy?"

"Uh-huh! Daddy say bad word!"

"Well, we're all awful people," Sarah concluded. "Except, of course, for Livvie."

"Yep!" Noah said cheerfully, "Mommy good."

…..

Ed tied the trash bag and grabbed the empty wine bottles. "I'll be right back."

Olivia looked up from the sink where she was rinsing dishes. "Okay."

From the living room sofa she heard the bloopity-bloop of Noah's iPad game; she was glad tomorrow was Sunday and he could sleep in. It had been difficult getting him back on east coast time and he was up late again. She heard Ed return and contentment flooded her emotions. When he was once again at her side, she put the plate she was holding on the counter and kissed him.

"Thank you for taking out the trash."

"Mmmmm," he hummed with his eyes still closed, "Is there…anything I missed? Bathroom trash need takin' out? Office?"

"Nope. I think we're good."

Pretending to be crestfallen, Ed sauntered to the table and brought the rest of the dishes.

"Thank you," Olivia cooed and gave him another kiss. "I love you."

"I love you, too Olivia Margaret." Ed slipped his arms around her waist, "Know what?"

"What?"

"I used to think…a long time ago when I was young and dumb, that people could say 'I love you' too much. Like it diluted the meaning."

"And now?"

"I couldnta been more wrong."

Olivia grinned and leaned in and pressed her lips to his once again, lingering this time, waiting for him to take over, but he pulled back.

"And I couldnta been more wrong about tonight."

"I wasn't sure what to expect either."

"But it turned out fine."

"It did. We got our point across…without an argument and…Brooke and Sarah get it. They both feel bad."

"Brooke too?"

"Yeah. While you and Sarah were playing with Noah, Brooke told me she felt bad about not saying anything. And…you were right. She was so interested in seeing how it would be to, well, live with Carisi that she didn't think about anything else."

Ed shrugged. "I guess I can't blame her."

"Yeah?"

"She's been lookin' out for Sarah, protecting her, forever. She doesn't get much of a chance to really be alone. Even when Sarah lived in Philly she and Brooke spoke practically every day."

"I get it."

"So," Ed asked hesitantly, "How'd that whole thing go…with her and Carisi?"

"She said it was good, but she's not ready yet."

"Hope she's really not ready and not just worried about leaving her sister."

Olivia pressed her lips together and raised her eyebrows. "She'll have to work through that, but it sounded to me like she genuinely wasn't ready to take that step."

Ed thought about how anxious he was about proposing they move in together. "It's a big step." He moved closer to her so more parts of their bodies than not were touching.

"It is."

He tipped her chin up to meet his lips and they fell into the kiss Olivia thought was coming a minute ago. Ed threaded his fingers through the hair on the back of her head and worked his tongue deep into her mouth. His other hand migrated from her waist to her backside and he pressed her pelvis to his, careful not to go too far; he was cognizant of Noah.

"God Liv," he rasped breathlessly.

"I know," she murmured.

Ed peered over her shoulder at the microwave clock. "It's almost eleven."

Olivia created more distance between them and called to Noah. "C'mon, sweet boy. Time to get ready for bed."

"Not tired."

"Time to read books. Let's go pick them out."

"Read in da big chair?"

"Sure. The three of us will read in the big chair tonight."

Noah scampered into his room and returned with a handful of books. "Dis one first!" He held up the classic The Little Engine That Could. "Daddy! Book time!"

Ed gulped a glass of water. "On my way, bud." He sat in the oversized chair first and rested his legs on the ottoman. Olivia wedged herself beside him and Noah piled on, his head between them. Three books later, they were still bargaining with the little boy.

"How about…" Olivia thought out loud, "You lie down here in bed and think about what you want to do tomorrow with Mommy and Daddy? We have the whole day together."

Noah yawned and pondered the idea.

"Okay."

"Good boy."

"But sing Twinkle-Twinkle first!"

"You got it, little man."

….

Olivia shuffled down the crowded courtroom bench to take the seat Fin had reserved for her. Sitting at the end of the row, three bodies away, was Chief Dodds who nodded politely at the Lieutenant but quickly returned his attention to Lisa Munson who had taken the stand a few minutes earlier. Her now ex-husband Gary had taken a plea on the sexual assault charges, but he opted to go to trial in order to hopefully be acquitted of felony murder in the death of Sergeant Mike Dodds. Munson's attorneys argued he was in a diminished mental state when he took Mike and his wife hostage, and Barba, who was assigned to this trial even though it didn't directly involve a sex crime, was aggressively poking holes in the theory. Additionally, Munson's attorney dragged out the process with motion after motion. It had been over a year since Mike's death, and the entire NYPD, especially Olivia, was anxious to put this behind them once and for all. She and the other officers had already testified about that afternoon's progression of events, and now it was time for the jury to hear about what went on in the house after Munson cut off all contact.

Lisa Munson appeared frail, but she steadfastly recounted what happened inside the house after Lieutenant Benson left with her children.

"Gary locked the door, kept the gun on the other officer, and closed the drapes."

"Did he speak to Sergeant Dodds?"

"He made him get rid of his gun."

"Did Sergeant Dodds comply?"

"Yes."

"Then what happened?"

Lisa Munson sniffled and dabbed at her face with a crumpled tissue. "The officer, Dodds, tried to reason with Gary. But he told the officer to leave. That it was between us. Gary heard Lieutenant Benson trying to get back into the house—she must have tried the side door, and then she was at the front door, ringing the doorbell."

"Could you hear what she was saying?"

"Yes. She said we needed to go. She asked Gary to open the door."

"And, how did Gary respond?"

"He pointed the gun at the door and told Sergeant Dodds to open it."

"And he didn't."

"No. He told Lieutenant Benson that wasn't going to happen and that the plan for me to leave with the kids was on hold."

Suddenly, Olivia felt like a spotlight was focused on her and chills tingled her spine. She turned and glanced up and down the row of people sitting on the bench but nobody else seemed to realize what Lisa Munson had just revealed. Even Chief Dodds maintained a steely, emotionless gaze. It took another hour for Barba to finish questioning Lisa, and during the break between witnesses, Olivia excused herself.

"You okay?" Fin asked, noticing the color had drained from her face.

"I'm…I'm fine. I'll be right back."

She practically stumbled to the ladies' room and gripped the edge of the countertop with both hands, bracing herself. She took several deep breaths.

Mike refused to open the door. He saved her life.

It had taken months of Lindstrom sessions, soul searching, and emotional conversations with Ed for Olivia to move past blaming herself for Mike's death. Guilt lingered, it always would, but it no longer consumed her; however, Lisa's revelation shocked her and sent her spiraling backwards into the black hole of doubt, sorrow, and regret.

More deep breaths.

She heard the gunshot. Her calls for SWAT to move in. Fin saying Mike was down. Chief Dodds calling for EMTs, a compress. Carisi asking if she was okay. And the admission neither she nor Dodds had searched Munson.

It was on her.

She squeezed her eyes closed and stood there for several minutes and only opened them when she heard the door open. Staring into the mirror, she waited for tears to come, but they didn't. Her eyes were dry, dark, hollow and the reflection she saw was not Olivia Benson Tucker, commanding officer, mother, and wife. It was the jaded image of a veteran cop who had seen too much humanity's worst horrors. It was the reflection of someone wrapped in perpetual self-doubt.

Ed knew his objections would go unheeded, but he nevertheless cautioned Olivia against sitting through the rest of the trial. He pointed out that she'd already testified and she knew what happened; however, Olivia countered that she didn't know exactly what happened in the space of time between Munson locking her out and the gunshot. She wanted, no, she needed, to hear about what happened in the house. Knowing today was probably going to be difficult, he sent her a few check-in texts, shrouded with encouragement, and wished he could be there at her side. However, he was upstate with the DA interviewing prisoners about an inmate who had claimed and insisted from the moment he was arrested that he was a victim of mistaken identity. The case had caught the attention of the national media, so its priority level catapulted all other cases.

When he took his lunch, he excused himself and called her. She picked up immediately.

"Hey."

She sounded haggard and exhausted.

"How ya doin?"

"Fine."

"Liv."

She managed a tiny smile. Ed never let her get away with fine. "Can we talk more about it later? It was tough to hear…that testimony."

"Sure." His gravelly voice was as soft as he could possibly muster.

"Will you be late?"

"Unfortunately, I think so. Unless…unless I need to get home sooner? I'll leave now if that's the case."

"No, no. I'm going back to the precinct. I…I can't take any more of this today."

"Good," Ed replied then corrected himself, "I don't mean good that you can't take any more."

"I know."

Was that a faint laugh he heard?

"I'll try to get Noah early and we'll go do something fun," Olivia said, obviously trying to drag herself out of the darkness.

"Send me pictures."

"I will. I love you."

"Love you too. Are you…are you sure you don't want to talk more?"

"Yes," Olivia answered confidently. "I'm sure. We'll talk later."

"I'll be there. Prolly after nine or ten, but I'll be there."

"I know," Olivia murmured, "And, you know what?"

"What?"

"I don't feel guilty about that anymore."

"About what?"

"You being there."

…

Sarah and Brooke perched themselves on their familiar barstools at Quinn's and ordered their typical drinks—beer for Brooke and Sarah, whose "typical" was to be unpredictable, went with a Moscow Mule. She relished her first sip.

"Mmmmm," she hummed with her eyes closed, "These are so good. Where have you been all my life, Moscow Mule?" She tapped the copper mug, "And I just loooove the presentation. We need to get some of these cups, Brooke."

"I'll rush right out tomorrow and find some."

"How was being a teacher in summer with nothing to do today?"

Brooke rolled her eyes, "Actually, today I was at my new school cleaning my new classroom. The person I replaced retired and seems to have just left after the final bell rang."

"Omigod, how ruuuude."

"I'm sure I'll do the same thing. And," Brooke added sharply, "This is the first summer in a long time I've had nothing to do. I've always had master's classes or a part-time job. So I'm enjoying it."

"And enjoying Sonny."

Brooke blushed. "A little."

"What's up with that anyway?" Sarah watched closely as Brooke pinched the bridge of her nose. "Trouble in paradise?"

"I'm just not…girlfriend material."

"Oh, puh-lease."

Brooke finished her beer and signaled for another round. "I don't want to talk about it right now. How's Isaac?"

"He's. So. Hotttt." Sarah gushed. "Ugh. So. So. Hot."

Brooke squinted. "How old is he again?"

"Twenty-three."

"Oh. So he just started law school. You made it sound like he was almost a lawyer."

Sarah took a healthy gulp of her fresh Moscow Mule. "Oops," she said innocently.

"So," Brooke grinned devilishly, "How naked were you two exactly?"

Sarah fluttered her eyelashes, "Oh…I had a tank top and underwear…and the blanket. He had shorts."

"Oh God. How embarrassing."

"At least we weren't in their bed," Sarah retorted. "That woulda been…uh…disownment."

Brooke nearly choked. "What?"

"At least we weren't in their bed," Sarah repeated.

"Meaning…"

"Meaning we were in their bed the night before. We were in the office because I'd washed everything and remade it the way they left it."

"You're awful."

Sarah looked offended, "I don't see the big deal. It's a bed."

Incredulous at her sister's naivety, Brooke massaged her temples, "You better never tell them."

"Point taken." Sarah nudged Brooke playfully, "Oh, Brookey, you know they're all over each other every night. Hell, I witnessed how hot they are. I wanted some inspiration."

"You didn't witness it."

"Close enough."

"Did it work?"

Sarah grinned triumphantly. "Best sex I've ever had."

"Oh, shut up."

…..

The lawyers tried to get Ed to have a few drinks when they arrived back in Manhattan, but Tucker declined and went straight home. He took a peek at Noah, kissed his forehead, and readjusted the blankets then stepped carefully into the master bedroom where he found Olivia under the covers but not asleep. She was watching the flat-screen television they rarely used and broke into a languid smile at the sight of her husband.

"Honey, I'm home," he sing-songed.

"Hi there." She reached out for him and he sat on the edge of the bed. "How'd it go?"

Ed groaned. "Without DNA or better witnesses, he's staying in prison."

"What's your gut tell you?"

"Guilty." Ed gave her a quick peck on the lips. "Be right back."

He disappeared into the bathroom and emerged wearing only a pair of black boxers. Olivia admired him from her spot on the bed—seeing him shirtless automatically turned her on even though she was tired. He flung back the covers and held her closely, just now realizing how much he longed to feel her body against his.

"Tell me about today."

"It was…nothing really."

"Liv."

Bottling her emotions no longer worked. Olivia knew this, but she still instinctively tried to keep everything inside even though she knew Ed would gently probe for details until she relented.

"Apparently…Munson told Mike to open the door. I was outside…shouting to Mike, trying to get in…and Munson pointed the gun at the door, told Mike to open it…and that's when he told me that wasn't going to happen."

Ed felt Olivia suddenly clam up, fighting against the sobs that he assumed were threatening to erupt in her chest.

"Nobody woulda opened that door, Liv."

"Probably not, but he could have. He didn't. He saved Lisa's life and mine. And I didn't know that until today."

"Is it better that you know?"

"Yes," she answered softly, "I needed to know the whole thing…now I feel like I got closure…and I didn't realize I even needed it."

"Good. I wish I coulda been there."

"You…kind of were."

"Whaddya mean?"

"Today, it got dark for a few minutes…I went to this awful place again where I'm blaming myself and feeling so guilty and sad that I can hardly breathe," Olivia sat up a little, caressed one of Ed's cheeks and kissed the other, "But then I thought of you and of Noah and—"

"You're not alone."

"No," Olivia settled her head back onto his chest after another kiss, "And I think I'm finally…totally comfortable with that. You make it safe…for me to be honest with myself."

"I just want you to be happy, Liv."

"I am."

…

#Tuckson