Anna
"What's going on?" Matt asks me.
It's been two days since that night at Sid's and I'm back campaigning with Matt today. I've been thinking about it for days, and what I'm going to say to Matt about it, but I've come to absolutely no conclusion. We've been busy all day and have not been alone together for even a moment. There's been someone with us every second since I landed but I know that Matt has noticed something is bothering me. Now that we're in our hotel room, alone at the end of the day, Matt has turned on the light and asked me.
"It's not a simple answer and we're both exhausted" I tell Matt.
"So there is something wrong."
I sigh and reply "not wrong exactly."
"Ok" he says and rubs his hand over his face. "Sit and let's talk."
I sit on the sofa and Matt on the chair facing me. I don't know how to begin, and I definitely don't want to have this conversation, but Matt has pushed me to the point where I'd be lying to him if I didn't talk about it. Our relationship is based on honesty so I won't lie to him, ever.
"My last night in Pittsburgh, I stopped to visit with Sid after the dinner at Mario's house. I thought it was just to connect and say hi. It turned out very differently."
He nods but doesn't respond. I can see that he's tense and imaging the worse. It's better to take the band aid approach so I rip it clean off.
"We caught up on each other's lives including the campaign" I continue. "Then he completely blindsided me and told me that he's still in love with me and wants me back."
Matt's expression doesn't change. I don't know if I thought he would be surprised or angry but he's showing no emotion at all.
"What did he say specifically?" Matt asks me softly.
"He loves me and wants a future with me. He said that you are a good guy and wanted me to be happy. If I'm happy with you then that's what he'd want for me; but, he still loves me and wanted me to know. He said that he screwed up two years ago and should never have let me go."
I pause now. I know that I have to tell Matt that Sid kissed me but I don't want to. Telling Matt is going to hurt him and I don't want to hurt him. That's the last thing I ever want to do. I love him. My problem is that I love Sid too.
"He kissed me" I blurt out.
That's when Matt's eyes widen, he blinks twice and then stalks across the room. After running his hands through his hair, he begins to pace the room and talk to himself. It's not loud enough for me to hear but he keeps pacing and muttering.
"Matt?" I wait for him to respond. "Matt? Talk to me please."
He turns, hands on his hips, and glares at me.
"Why didn't you tell me this sooner? It's been two fucking days!" he shouts at me.
"I wasn't going to tell you over the phone. There was no way that I was going to do that over the phone. Right now is the first time we've been completely alone."
"But you weren't going to tell me" he says. "I had to ask and force you to talk."
"Yeah, I'm sorry for that" I tell him. "I have wanted to talk to you, it's been horrible not telling you, but the election is around the corner and you need to be at your best in a stressful situation. I guess I decided to wait until after the election. You need to know and believe me when I say that I was going to tell you. We've always been honest with each other and I promised that from the beginning of our relationship. I love you Matt and I will always be honest with you."
He sighs, his shoulders slump and he rubs his hands over his face. I stay silent and wait for Matt's next move. I've told him everything that happened and exactly how I feel. Now it's up to him.
Matt walks over to sit back in the chair he left only moments before. Finally he looks up at me.
"Ok, you kissed him" he says softly.
"Yes."
"That's it?"
"Yes" I reply. "We kissed and then I left."
"Ok."
"Ok?"
"Yeah, ok."
"I'm sorry Matty" I tell him. "I'm so sorry for everything."
He runs his hands over his face again and then stands up.
"Let's go to bed" he says and then walks to the bathroom.
I don't move until the door closes. I quickly change clothes and wait for Matt to come out of the bathroom. When he does, I go in and take care of business.
When I come back out, Matt is in bed, under the covers and his bed side lamp is turned off. I don't know what to do. He clearly doesn't want to talk anymore but I don't know if I can sleep without knowing what's going on in his head. I decide to respect his clear wishes and climb into my side of the bed. There is a gulf of space between us. It feels more like an ocean.
"It's not ok" he whispers.
"No, it's not" I reply.
"I know you're sorry and I know that you would have told me. I do trust you" he says.
I feel a weight lift off of my shoulders. He believes me.
'But he shouldn't' my conscious tells me. 'You didn't tell him that you still love Sid.'
That weight firmly settles on my shoulders again. I hear Matt's breathing slow and shortly after he begins to snore lightly. I know that sleep won't come as easily to me.
Sidney
It's election night. Usually I wouldn't give a shit but tonight I even set up an alert on my phone to update me on the Governor's race. We had an afternoon game and I'd love nothing more than to have a nap but some of the guys wanted to go out for dinner. I'm trying to look at my phone when I get a notification so that no one else notices.
I haven't spoken to or seen Anna since that night, that horrible night, when my hope for our future died. I took a chance, poured my heart out to her, and she basically stomped on it. Ok, I guess I'm still bitter from the experience. The guys, my posse or the French mafia or whatever the fuck they're calling themselves today, have tried to tell me it was the right thing to do but I'm still lost. I truly thought that once Anna knew how I felt then she would come back to me.
I pull myself out of my haze and tune back into the conversation at the table. The rookies are reliving the win today and all six goals we scored. One of the key things for rookies to learn is how to turn the page. It's a very long season and if they are going to go crazy, up or down, every time then they're going to burn out quickly.
"Guys" I say and wait until the attention is focused on me. "We had a really good win today" and there is a chorus of cheers. "But, there are eighty two games in a season and you need to roll with it win or lose. Then we get into the playoffs and there will be even more ups and downs, more extremes, so roll with it more guys, ok?"
They all absorb what I'm saying and slowly of them nods. There are going to be a lot of moments like this when they'll be coached by a veteran on the team and it's good to see them listening and taking it in. It's more than the speed that's different between AHL and NHL. Actually, the bigger changes are off the ice and can easily derail play on the ice if they aren't careful. It's the job of the vets to make sure that they get through it and learn from it.
"It's ok to enjoy the wins and you should also watch film and identify where you can be better after both wins and losses. Just keep it in perspective and try to turn the page after you've learned from it. You'll do well" I tell them.
They nod again. When the server comes with the check, I grab it first. I like to take the new, younger players for dinner so that I can get to know them better and help them acclimate to the NHL and our team.
"Thanks Sid" they say as we leave.
"Hey Sid" one of the guys says. "We're going to a club. Want to come with us?"
I may enjoy their company and spending time with them, but going to a club with them will only make me feel old. I'm only thirty but that's past the prime of a hockey player. Also, I really want to see the election results.
"Thanks guys but I'm heading home. See you tomorrow" I tell them.
We part in front of the restaurant and I go back to my house listening to the news on the way. There are some preliminary election results that don't mean much but the reporters continue to speculate. Once home, I put the TV on the news and get a bottle of water.
Quickly I lose patience with the news so I put on the picture-in-picture and watch the Ranger's game with the news on mute. There are only so many ways they can describe the differences between Matt and his opponent. It's young versus old, fresh versus establishment, and whatever else they've been saying over and over. I can't listen to it any more. Of course, Milbury's commentary dissecting the Ranger game is almost as bad. A 'decision' sign flashes across the screen with the news so I turn the volume up there.
"We are ready to call the following precincts …"
The announcer starts counting down precincts and who has won them. Wow. So far they've called forty percent for Matt. Anna must be really happy; although, knowing her, she's probably holding off until she hears the final results.
They begin talking about the political strategy again so I mute them and go back to the game. The second period has started and it's fast. The Rangers are getting their asses run around the ice by a younger and faster Oilers. The problem is that the Oilers youth also makes them prone to mistakes and the last turnover became a quality chance at the other end.
'Decision' flashes across the news screen again and they show Matt's picture. He's won three more precincts. Wow, maybe this won't be as close as everyone thought it would be. Matt could be governor and Anna his first lady. Do they call the governor's wife the first lady? I feel a little nauseous thinking of Anna as Matt's wife. His wife. Fuck, they'll probably have kids too.
Finally, it hits me: Anna will never be mine. She will never have my children. We'll never spend the day in bed together eating ice cream. I'll never look up and see her cheering in the stands for me when I get a goal. It's over. It's really, truly over.
I want to fight for her. I want to do whatever I can to get her back but there's nothing else to do. She knows how I feel, that I want her back and then she still walked out the door and out of my life.
I give my head a shake and then go to the kitchen for a real drink. I settle on a scotch and then go back to the family room. The Rangers score a goal and 'decision' flashes across the news screen.
They've called it. Not another precinct but the whole election. Matt is the new Governor of Pennsylvania so it's finally over. Matt is the governor and Anna is the first lady, if that's what she's called, and a part of his administration. She has everything that she's ever wanted both personally and professionally.
I have hockey.
When did my life become incomplete with hockey in it? Since I fell in love with Anna. That's when it happened.
The intercom chimes so I answer it.
"Ouvrez la porte de mon ami. Laissez-nous dans" Flower yells through the intercom.
I press the button so that the gate opens and lets them in. Looks like my friends have decided to pay me a visit. We'll see if it's the full French Mafia or just Flower.
I open the front door and watch as first Flower, then Tanger and then Dupuis walk up to my door. I step back and let them come in and by me.
"Hi kid" Duper says as he passes.
He's carrying a six pack of beer. I follow the guys back through my kitchen and then into the family room.
"See" Tanger says and points to the news on the TV and then my glass of scotch on the coffee table. "I told you he would be watching the election and drinking."
The guys laugh and find seats on the sofas and chairs. Duper passes the beer around, including one to me, and they start talking about the Ranger/Oiler game. It's like I'm not even here. Flower uses the remote so that the news disappears and only the game fills the screen.
I silently sit and watch my friends bring normalcy to my world tonight. For just this moment, my life is no more difficult or complex than sitting with my friends, in my family room, watching the game. They all have families at home that they could be with and yet they're here with me. This one gesture means more to me than anything else they could have done for me. They even know not to talk about Anna or ask how I am. Of course we're also not girls, we don't need to sit around and pour out our feelings to each other and braid each other's hair.
"Lundqvist looks like he's a step slow tonight" Duper says.
"Favouring his left leg" Flower comments.
"That's it, yeah" Duper agrees.
They continue to talk about the game which leads to a conversation about our next game with the Rangers. It is the first time since that night with Anna that I've felt normal.
"Do you think there's room five hole or glove side Sid?" Tanger asks me.
I pull myself back to the guys.
"Five hole" I tell them. "There's probably the same percentage glove side or five hole but he always leaves juicy rebounds if he stops it five hole."
The rest of the game is spent the same way. We drink beer, talk about the game we're watching and our game coming up next. At some point, one of the guys raid my fridge, and empty containers are now strewn across my coffee table. You get four hockey players together for a few hours and copious amounts of food are needed.
"Ok, I need to get home to my girls" Flower says.
The other guys make similar comments and I walk them to the front door. Tanger and Flower walk down the path but Duper hangs back.
"Kid" he begins. "It's like during a game, you can only control what you do and how you react. Did you say everything you wanted to say to her?"
I don't have to ask what he's talking about.
"Yeah, I did."
"Then that's all you can do kid" he tells me.
I watch him walk away and I know he's right, it doesn't make the pain go away, but I lose the regret that I've been feeling. I have done everything that I can do and said everything that I wanted to say.
I clean up the family room and then get ready for bed. The bedroom TV is on in the background with commentators discussing who Matt will choose to be in his administration. As I leave the bathroom, I notice that they've cut away from the news studio and are now in a ballroom filled with cheering people. Someone goes to the podium and announces the new governor.
Matt and Anna, hand in hand, walk onto the stage. They stop beside the podium and raise their hands up in celebration which causes the audience to cheer even louder. Matt kisses Anna's hand and she smiles at him lovingly. I rub my chest over my heart feeling the physical pain of watching Anna in love with another man.
He kisses her lips and then steps up to podium. Anna claps and moves to the side of the stage, still on it, but giving Matt centre stage. The camera focuses on Matt as he speaks and occasionally changes to a split screen to show Anna too. She looks so happy.
Anna
I open my eyes to the sun brightly shining in the windows. It takes me a few moments to remember where I am and then it all comes rushing back. The election was yesterday and we won. Matt was happy and excited as was his entire family and my mother. They all came to support Matt.
When we received the news that he won, Matt picked me up and twirled me around and around until I was dizzy. As soon as he put me down, he bypassed his family, friends and campaign workers to get to my mother. Tears came to my eyes as I watched him wipe away her tears and kiss her cheeks while she congratulated him. I could read her lips when she told him 'he'd be so proud of you.' Tears came to my own eyes then and then the rest of the evening as a blur, a wonderful and happy blur, but still a blur.
I turn to my side and see Matt facing me, sleeping. It's the first time in days that he's looked peaceful and rested. He's the governor. It really happened, he won the election and now he's the governor. Or he will be when he's sworn in but he won the election.
"I can hear your brain so loud that it woke me up" Matt says to me.
I chuckle and say "sorry." I caress his cheek. "You're the governor" I tell him.
He smiles widely and says "I guess I am."
"You are going to be a wonderful governor Matty."
"I hope so" he turns his head and kisses my palm. "Today is going to be a crazy day. Everyone is going to want interviews and that's just the beginning. We need to start interviewing for the administration."
"And we thought the election was busy" I tell him.
"Yeah, right. Anna, we need to talk about what comes next."
"Ok" I say. "Talk about what?"
"What comes next?"
"I'm happy to help with the transition and interviews" I tell him.
"No, that's not what I'm talking about" he says. "I'm talking about what comes next for us."
"Are you saying that you want to plan a wedding while you're setting up an administration and in your first year of office?"
"No" he says and looks sad.
Something is very wrong.
"What do you mean Matt?" I say and sit up.
Matt rolls onto his back and runs his hands over his face.
"I mean we need to have an honest conversation about our relationship" he tells me. "Actually, not about our relationship so much as".
He stops talking.
"So much as what?"
"So much as your feelings for Crosby."
I'm too stunned to speak, to utter a single word, in response. We've talked about this before and I have no idea what's left to discuss. He knows that I have feelings for Sid, I always will, but I love Matt.
"Nothing has changed Matt. I love you. I want to marry you. I want a life with you."
"I believe that you love me Anna" he says and sits up so that he's facing me. "I know that you love me Anna and I love you."
The words he's saying should be happy but he looks incredibly sad.
"Then what's the matter?" I ask.
"Anna, can you honestly say that, after hearing Crosby tell you that he loves you and wants you back, that you still want to be with me, have a future with me?"
"I love you" I tell him.
"That's not what I asked."
"I do love you" I tell him and feel tears come to my eyes.
"I know you do, Anna" he says and gives me a sad smile. "But, can you tell me that you still want a future with me? That you don't still think of what could have been with Crosby? Can you tell me that you only love me, want a future with me, to be together forever with me?"
A tear slips down my cheek. This is my best friend, the man I've committed myself to and whom I love.
"I meant it when I said that I was going to marry you. I'm committed to you and our future Matt."
"You meant what you said? You're committed to me and our future? I believe you but that's not exactly a declaration of love. It makes our relationship sound like an obligation."
"That's not what I meant" I tell him but I don't even convince myself.
"I know it's not what you meant but it is what you said" he pauses before continuing. "You need to be honest about how you feel. We've always been honest with each other."
"I have been honest with you Matt."
"Ok, then have you been honest with yourself? Have you allowed yourself to really explore how you feel? It's not fair to anyone if you marry me now and wake up ten years from now hating your life and wishing that you took a different path. That's not fair to either of us."
I shake my head but I can't say the words. He's right that I've never allowed myself to completely think through what Sid told me and how I really feel or what I should do next. I've always fallen back on the commitment that I've made to Matt and continued down that path.
"You're right" I tell him. "I didn't think through what Sid said because I've already made the decision to make a future with you."
"Again, I feel like an obligation" he tells me.
"Matt, this was never a great love affair" I blurt out without really thinking. "I don't say that to be mean or rude but it's true. In the beginning, we made a practical decision to build a relationship together and we have. We grew to love each other and can have a happy life together."
"I love you Anna but you are deluding yourself if you think you won't regret this in five years or ten. I am your friend and I don't want that for you. Shit, I'm not being altruistic here, I don't want that for me either. Do you think I want to be with a woman who loves another man?"
I sob and say "I love you both Matt. I'm sorry but I do."
"Finally! Finally you say it" he says. "I know you do Anna."
"I'm sorry" I whisper and can only stare down at my clasped hands.
Matt sighs and covers my hands with his own.
"Don't apologize for how you feel Anna."
"This is horrible, I'm horrible" I tell him.
"Stop it" he tells me. "You're talking about my best friend you know? And she's not horrible. She's not great either, she is in love with another man, but she's not horrible."
I look up and see that his eyes are wet too and it kills me to know that I put that hurt in them. I should never have agreed to marry Matt with things so unfinished with Sid.
"Matt, I love you."
"I love you Annabelle."
"Don't call me Annabelle, Matthew."
We both smile.
"Come here" he says and opens his arms.
I crawl across the bed and cuddle into his arms. He holds me close and kisses the top of my head. I feel safe, I feel loved, and it feels wrong. The moment that Sidney told me that he still loves me, I've been feeling less and less like I belong to Matt and that feels wrong. I don't love him any less, in fact my love has grown after this conversation, but I love Sidney more and that's where my future lies.
"You need to go and talk to Crosby" he whispers. "Get in front of him and be honest about how you feel Anna. Be happy. I'll figure everything out here."
"No, Matt" I pull back so that I can look at him. "It's going to be a media nightmare. You should be riding high on the election landslide and using your approval numbers to pass as many of your initiatives as you can. I need to be here to support you, to help you, with everything."
"You've been integral to this campaign and the election but I'm going to be ok. The administration is going to be ok. We'll figure this out."
"This is surreal" I tell him.
"What is?"
"I'm lying in bed with you and talking calmly about leaving you. This isn't right. You're being way too kind to me Matt."
I pull out of his arms so that I can sit in front of him again.
"I'm pissed Anna. Don't mistake my supportive and calm exterior for being happy about this situation. I love you and thought we'd have a future together. Now that future is slipping through my fingers like sand but I made the same commitment that you did. First and most important to our relationship is honesty. You've been honest and now I need to as well. I'm pissed that we have everything, had everything, and no we don't. I made plans for the next phase of our life and now we don't have one. But that doesn't mean I don't want the best for you and, if you're in love with another guy, then I deserve better."
It's harsh to hear but he's right. It isn't fair to Matt to be in a relationship with someone who isn't devoted completely to him. We were equal at the beginning of our relationship. We were friends who decided to give a romantic relationship and love a try and we did fall in love. Now we love each other but I also love someone else. Our relationship is no longer equal and we both deserve better.
"I am so sorry" I tell him.
"Stop apologizing. I only tell you how I feel to be honest with you and not for an apology."
"Ok" I say. "Ok, I understand. Where does that leave us?"
"I think it leaves us best friends, exactly where we started, and seeking that all-consuming, overwhelming love of our lives. I think you already know who that is for you Anna" he pauses. "But, regardless of what you decide to do, we are over. Our relationship is over."
I don't hear bitterness or anger in his voice. Instead he sounds melancholy and resigned and it feels like he's saying goodbye.
"I love you Anna, I do, I want a forever with you but not if you're in love with someone else. We need to end this before we hurt each other and have years of regret. We both deserve better."
"You're right" I tell him. "We have been happy, these past two years, right?"
He looks surprised but then smiles.
"Of course we were happy. We still are happy" he says. "But there are different degrees of happy and we could be happier."
"Yeah."
Neither of us move, we sit facing each other, on the bed.
"So, what do we do next?" I ask him.
"I have no idea" he says.
We both chuckle and I feel a great weight lift off of my shoulders. I feel sad too. This isn't a happy moment. I love this man, planned a life with him and now that is all gone.
"I'm going to miss you, desperately" I tell him.
"I will too."
"Seriously though" I say. "What do we do next?"
"I think you have a plan to catch, right?"
"Now?"
"The soonest one available to get you to Pittsburgh" he says.
"But don't you need me here to help with" I gesture around, "everything?"
"No, let me talk with Chris and figure out the best way to do this, ok? I'll make sure to call you before we do anything so you know what's coming."
Then a thought flashes through my mind.
"Shit, my mother" I tell him.
"Yeah, well, we aren't engaged anymore so that one is on you. I'll tell the people of Pennsylvania and you can tell your mother."
"You realize that you have the better job in this situation" I tell him.
"Oh yeah. Good luck with that" he smiles at me.
I watch as he grabs his phone and dials. I go into the bathroom to get ready for the day. When I'm finished and go back into the room, Matt has our luggage on the bed and is folding clothes into them. He looks up and notices me.
"You're on the noon flight to Pittsburgh" he tells me. "I'm meeting with Chris for breakfast in an hour to talk. I haven't told him yet. Actually, I haven't told anyone."
"Ok, you'll want to tell Chris first."
"And you're going to need to tell your mother so she doesn't hear it on TV."
"Yeah, I will."
"But first" he says.
"Yeah, but first."
I take off my engagement ring and hold it out to Matt. He sighs, looks down at it and then back up at me, before he takes it. Now it feels final and over. And sad.
I finish up the packing while Matt showers and changes. We're both done at the same time and suddenly we're standing together again.
"Come here" he says and opens his arms.
I go into them and wrap mine around his waist. The smell of his cologne is soothing and makes me nostalgic even though I haven't left yet. I pull back to look at him. Matt leans down and kisses me. It's a sweet and loving kiss. It's a goodbye kiss.
When I pull back, Matt looks sad and I feel the same way. He's strong and kind and loving and I'm saying goodbye. It hurts.
"I love you" I whisper.
"I love you" he says back and kisses me again.
Slowly, I pull out of his arms and pick up my purse and luggage. I give him one last smile and then I leave the room. I continue directly to the elevator and it isn't until I'm inside of it that I let out the breath I've been holding.
It's more like a sob than a breath. I'm profoundly sad even though it feels like the right thing to do. I'm lonely as well as sad. I didn't realize that it would be this hard to leave.
It doesn't take the cab long to get me to the airport and then in line for my ticket. At least I don't have to check my bag. I've learned to live out of carry on during this election. Maybe I should rethink going to Pittsburgh and visit my mother instead. Maybe I should think about what I do next before I do something that I'll regret.
"Can you tell me when the next flight is to Charlestown?" I ask the customer service agent.
Sidney
"She's awesome Sid" Duper says. "And hot, definitely hot."
"I'm tired of you guys trying to get me to date" I tell him.
"Don't include me in that" Tanger says. "I said that we should just get you laid."
The guys still in the locker room laugh and soon everyone is chirping about my lack of sex life. At least they're having fun, even if it is at my expense. As I leave to room, Duper catches up with me.
"Ignore those guys" he tells me.
"You started it" I reply.
"Yeah well, you seriously need to get laid."
"You don't have to tell me" I reply.
I watch as Duper's mouth drops open in surprise.
"Then let me help you."
"You aren't my pimp Dupe."
"I always thought I'd make a good one."
"Fuck. Is the French mafia expanding into hookers?"
That makes him laugh so hard the water he's drinking spurts out of his nose. We part in the parking garage and I set out for home. I really don't want to go home alone but it's been a full day of practice, meetings and then I had an interview. A little boredom might actually be a good thing; although, I've started hating going home to that big house all alone. The house even looks lonely as I pull up.
Driving up, I notice that someone is sitting on my front step. How the fuck did they get through the gate? It's locked and too high to jump over, usually. Apparently not for this person. I debate calling the cops but decide to see who the person is first.
I park in the garage but, rather than go into the house via the garage, I walk to my front door. When I turn the corner, I immediately stop. I have to be seeing things. It can't be her.
I watch as she stands and smooths down her skirt. I recognize the gesture as one she does when nervous.
"Hi" Anna says.
"Hi" I reply.
We stare at each other saying nothing. A million thoughts run through my mind as I watch her stand there nervously. What is she doing here? She should be with Matt, right? Didn't they just win an election last night?
"I should have thought this through better" she says.
"Um, ok" is all I can reply.
"Damn, I shouldn't have come here. I'm sorry Sid. I'm just going to call a taxi and leave."
"No, don't, it's ok" I tell her. "You came all the way here. Come inside, ok?"
Anna looks unsure and I can see that she's trying to decide what she wants to do.
"Anna, come on inside."
She smiles slowly and then nods. I pick up her suitcase and lead her in the front door. After hanging up our coats, I lead Anna to the kitchen not quite sure where we should talk.
"Do you want something to drink?" I ask her.
"Um no, look, I'm sorry that I just arrived on your doorstep. I, um, I wanted to talk to you about something."
"Ok" I reply. "About what?"