Sidney
I only briefly saw Anna today and usually it was only a glimpse of her. She responded to the text I sent by saying that she was swamped today and would see me at home later in the evening. She told me not to wait dinner on her so I went over to Duper's house and ate with his family. Their frenzied disorder of kids and animals was exactly what I needed to occupy myself until Anna got home.
Her car is in the garage when I get home so at least I don't have to wait for her. That would be a very long wait that I really wasn't looking forward to.
I notice Anna's suitcase at the front door as I pass it. The anxiety that festered deep inside me begins to grow exponentially. Light is coming from the kitchen so I make my way there and see Anna sitting at the table still in the dress that she wore to work. She looks sad. I feel my anxiety rise higher, almost unbearably, so I try to ignore it.
"Hi" she says softly.
"Hi" I reply and sit opposite her at the kitchen table.
"We need to talk" she begins. "Um, wow, this is harder than I thought it would be."
"You're leaving" I tell her.
My voice is strange and feels like it's coming from somewhere outside of my body. Anna bites her bottom lip and nods her agreement. The anxiety I feel completely disappears and is replaced with nothing. I feel empty.
"Sidney, I don't have answers for everything; but, I do know that we've been apart for two years and we were very naïve to think that we could just pick up our relationship and continue on like those two years didn't happen. I'm a different person than I was back then and I don't even know what you went through while I was gone. We're not ready for this" she waves her hand around the room.
"So you're breaking up with me?"
"I don't know, I don't think so" she says. "I need some time to think and adjust. There have been monumental changes in my life and I need to figure out what they mean to me. I need to figure out what you mean to me and what we are together. You need to do the same thing. You don't even know me Sidney."
"I know you" I tell her a little more forcefully than I intend. "I love you."
"You love who I used to be and not who I am now. You don't know who I am now and" she puts her hand up "don't try to argue. If you think about it and are honest with yourself then you'll admit that it's true."
"What does that mean? We're breaking up? We're not breaking up?"
She looks down at her hands now clutched in her lap like she does when she's nervous or unsure. See, I know her.
"Ok, I know that I don't want to break up" she tells me.
"Good."
"But I do think that we need to start again, from the beginning, like we just met."
"So you want to stay together?"
"That's part of the problem; I'm really confused and nothing is clear to me right now."
"But you don't want to break up?" I ask.
I watch her eyes fill with tears but she shakes her head.
"So you know that you don't want to break up" I tell her. "That's something."
She gives me a watery smile and I feel the emptiness that took hold inside of me fill with hope. She's confused, and contradicting herself, but she seems to have decided that we're not breaking up.
"So where are you going?" I ask.
"I booked a hotel room near Consol. I'll stay there for a while until I can figure out what I want to do next." She looks at her watch and then at me, apologetically. "My cab will be here in a few minutes."
"Take the car Anna. It's absurd for you to rely on cabs to get around. I have the truck."
"Thanks but I'll be able to walk to Consol so I won't need it."
Even though Anna says that we're not breaking up, it really feels that way. She's cutting all ties between us and doesn't seem to be interested in having any remaining connections.
"Ok" I reply.
The gate buzzes before I can say anything further so we both stand and walk to the front door. I buzz the gate open and pick up Anna's suitcase. We walk outside and down the front path as the cab drives up. The trunk opens automatically so I put the suitcase in it and return to Anna standing at the open door to the car.
"I guess I'll see you at the rink tomorrow" she tells me.
"I guess so" I reply. "Um, how is this going to work? Can we have dinner tomorrow night?"
Anna doesn't answer directly but she does look confused.
"I don't know Sidney. I don't have any more idea than you do about how this is going to work. Why don't we give it a few days and then see what we want and what our next steps are?"
I don't like not having a firm date for when we'll next see each other, outside of the rink of course, but I don't have any more answers than Anna does right now.
"Ok" I tell her.
I can't just let her go so I step closer and kiss her cheek. I want to tell her that I love her but that doesn't seem like a really good idea since she doubts our love right now.
"I'll see you tomorrow" I tell her.
Anna smiles, cups my cheek for a brief moment and then gets into the cab. I stand out in the cold air until I can't see the tail lights any more. Now what do I do?
Anna
It's been two days and Sid and I have exchanged a few of texts and had two conversations. I've been crazy busy so I've focused all of my energy into my job and spent less thinking about my relationship with Sid. I've come to the conclusion that moving out was the right thing to do because I'm feeling less stress, sleeping better and am able to focus much easier.
It's times like these though, when the building is quiet and I'm alone, that my mind drifts to Sid and I miss him. On one hand, I came back to be with him and this seems counterproductive to that goal; but, on the other hand, it feels right, this space between us, at least right now in our relationship.
My phone rings and I smile when I see who is calling.
"It's so sweet that you still have time for the little people" I say when I answer the phone.
"Ha ha ha" Matt replies.
"How are you?"
"I'm good, actually, I'm exhausted and barely keeping up everything I have to do, but good."
"That sounds about right" I tell him. "Even if you are exhausted and barely keeping up, is it what you hoped it would be?"
"No."
I'm surprised by his response. There is no vitriol behind his words but he is firm in the answer.
"Why no?" I ask.
"We were supposed to be doing this together."
Oh. What do I say to that?
"I'm not saying that we should still be together Anna it's just … shit, I don't know what I'm saying."
"I miss you too" I tell him.
I hear him sigh.
"Maybe that's it" he tells me. "I miss you. Even if we weren't engaged, we were great friends and I miss my friend."
Now it's my turn to sigh.
"I miss you too. Tell me what's been going on."
Matt does just that. He starts by telling me about the frustration of writing the new education bill that was part of his campaign platform. His cabinet secretary has decided to have an opinion about the bill that he didn't express until after the election and now it's stalling their work. His chief of staff, previously the campaign manager, is still learning his job and has made a few mistakes. In fact, everyone around him seems to be high strung and making stupid mistakes.
"What do I do?" he asks me.
"Matt, it sounds to me like they're a group of people who want to do a good job and make you proud of them. When people are worried about doing a good job all the time then they often don't do the job the way they can if they weren't worried."
"They're making mistakes because they're worried about making mistakes?"
"Essentially, yes. One the great things about that team is their enthusiasm and willingness to try new things. Because of that, they come up with innovative ideas and excel. If they're worried then they won't be enthusiastic and willing to try new things."
"And they'll make mistakes because of it."
"Yes" I agree.
"So what do I do about it?"
I chuckle. This conversation makes me chuckle because it reminds me of the good times we had together and makes me miss my friend too.
"You know what to do Matt."
"I need to bring the core team together and tell them to get their collective heads out of their collective asses."
"I'd phrase it nicer, but yes. You need to give them permission to be enthusiastic and willing to try new things. Most importantly, tell them that it's ok to make mistakes and then, when they do, make sure it's a learning experience and not something they get beaten up for."
"I'll need to make sure that all of the department heads are on the same page if we're going to create that kind of environment."
"You know exactly what you need to do Matt. You're a natural leader and your team adores and is inspired by you. Everyone needs to take a collective deep breath, which includes you too, and you'll be fine."
"You know me so well" he tells me.
"How are things going otherwise?"
"There really isn't anything other than that going on. I'm trying to make every minute that I'm in office count."
"My father would be so proud of you Matty."
"You haven't called me that in a long time."
"I guess not. I feel like we cut each other completely, fast and deep when we broke up. Maybe we needed to do that at the time but does it still need to be like that? Can we be friends again?"
"I'd like that" he tells me. "I'd really like that; in fact, I'm going to be in Pittsburgh next week. Can we get together? With Sid of course if you think it wouldn't be too awkward."
"Um, yeah, I'd love to get together" I tell him.
"Ok, what's wrong? I know you Annabelle, what's wrong?"
"Don't call me Annabelle" I tell him.
"Don't skirt the question."
"Fine, it's just that things weren't as simple with Sid as I thought they would be."
"You thought they'd be simple? Anna, really?"
"If it wasn't for the abortion shit then we'd still be together. When I got back, Sid and I talked about everything that went down, a couple of times, and reached an understanding. Then it just got weird. Sid got weird actually. I doubt know."
"How is he?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean how is he doing with all of this stuff? You moved on, we got together, so what did he do? How did he cope with it?"
Oh. Both Matt and Adam have asked me how Sid is doing, or how he did while we were apart, and I don't have an answer.
"Anna?"
"I don't know Matty."
"What do you mean, you don't know?"
"We really haven't talked about our time apart. I mean, I shared how you and I got together, but that's it really. We just talked a lot about what happened after the first time we slept together, when I got pregnant, and then when Sid and I broke up. I guess we didn't talk much about our time apart."
"So what's happened since you got back?"
I hesitate at first and then it all spills out of me. I tell Matt about taking the job with the Pens and Sid's reaction to it or, rather, his over reaction to it. Finally, I tell him about moving into the hotel.
"And that's supposed to help? Distance?"
"Well, what we were doing wasn't working so I thought if we got some space, and if I could actually think, then maybe I could figure a way out of this, or something. I don't know Matt. It's a big mess."
"Are you guys talking at least?"
"Um, once or twice."
"What's the plan? Or do you guys even have a plan?"
"I told Sid that I didn't want to break up but I thought that I should move out. That's all I know."
"Tell me that you're not using work as an excuse Anna."
"I'm really busy with work. We're right into the season, there are a million pieces moving at the same time, and I'm trying to catch up on them."
"You are the queen of multi-tasking and you're trying to tell me that you can't figure out this job and how to have a couple of conversations with your boyfriend at the same time?"
"Matt."
"Don't 'Matt' me. You know what I'm saying."
"Yeah" I admit. "I really suck at this; shouldn't I be better at this, I mean we had a good relationship, right?"
"We had a great relationship babe. Don't you ever doubt that, ok? Remember though, our relationship was simple, easy really. We were friends who loved each other. What you and Sid have is complicated, messy and, well, epic."
"Epic huh?"
"Look, neither of us believes in soul mates but, you and Sid, yes you and Sid are epic."
"Yeah, I guess we are."
"So what are you going to do about it?"
"I still have no idea" I tell him.
"Do you love him?"
"Yes."
"Do you want it to work with him?"
"Yes."
"Then you guys need to figure it out. Put that brilliant, multi-tasking brain to finding time for both your job and Sid. Ok?"
"Yes" I tell him. "Thank you Matty, I mean it, thank you. I love you."
"I love you too Annabelle."
"Don't call me Annabelle" I tell him.
"Don't call me Matty."
We both chuckle and disconnect the call.
I feel lighter now. Adam is a great friend and he's been so good to me but there's nothing like a friend who knows you inside and out and has been through the worst with you. I didn't realize how much I missed Matt and thank god we can still be friends. So many couples break up and say 'let's be friends' but they can rarely manage it. Hopefully, after this conversation, we can build from here, beat the odds and remain friends. It will be really great to see him next week.
"That's a great smile" I hear from my doorway.
I look up and see Sid. Wow, he wears a tee shirt and jeans like no one else can.
"Hi" I say. "How are you?"
"I'm good. I had a phone interview this afternoon so I came in."
"Oh" is all I say.
Brilliant.
"Are you going to be working much longer tonight?" he asks.
"Um, there's never a shortage of work so the question is really if I'm going to stop because I'm exhausted or hungry?"
"Ok, so are you hungry?"
It's almost through my lips to say no, instinctively, but Matt's words are still in my ears.
Instead I say "yeah, I could eat."
Sid's apprehension passes and he smiles. I find myself smiling back and suddenly I'm very happy that I'm hungry.
I gather my things and close up my laptop. Together, Sid and I walk toward the parking complex.
"I assume you don't have a car" he says and I nod. "I can drive, if you like?"
We're very polite and it feels awkward and weird.
"That's great Sid."
I put my arm through his. I can feel him tense and then relax under my hand so I make myself relax too. It's Sid and we're going to dinner which is nothing to be worried about. Right?
When we're in the car, Sid mentions a bistro beside my hotel which we both like and then we chat about the game tomorrow night.
Once seated at our table, Sid orders us wine and then we both sit staring at each other with our menus left unopened in front of us.
"I don't know if this is more awkward or weird" I say to Sid.
"Yeah" he agrees.
Then we're both quiet again.
Sidney
'Yeah'? I actually said 'yeah'? That's certainly brilliant.
"I think it's weird how weird it is" I tell her.
"I guess so" she says.
The waiter arrives and goes through the ritual of opening and pouring the wine. After he leaves, we both take a sip of our wine.
"I've missed you" I tell her and immediately regret saying it.
I promised myself that I wouldn't put any pressure on her and would keep it light. Damn.
"I miss you too" she says softly.
Oh. That's good, right?
Anna looks uncomfortable so I change the subject.
"How is the Winter Classic planning?" I ask her.
She frowns and looks down at her hands. What did I say wrong? I was just asking about the Classic.
"Did I say something wrong?" I ask.
She looks up and says "this is usually when we get into trouble Sidney."
"What do you mean?"
"When we talk about my job, that's when we usually get into an argument. Maybe we shouldn't talk about work, at least not right now."
"Ok" I agree.
"How is Taylor doing?" she asks me.
That reminds me, shit! I forgot about Taylor coming to visit this weekend.
"I forgot all about Taylor" I tell her. "She's coming to visit this weekend. Since we're not living in the same place any more, I would really like it if we could spend time together, the three of us. I'd really like you and Taylor to get to know each other. Is that ok?"
"That's nice that she's coming to visit. I would enjoy getting to know her Sid. We'll need to plan something around our schedules. At least we have a couple of days in between games while she's here."
"Yeah, it was perfect timing. She'll bring her gear and work out with us too."
"On the ice?"
"Not during our practice time but yeah she'll be on the ice. She loves being able to stop the shots of some of the guys and especially the chirping she can do afterward."
"That sounds like a lot of fun. Do you practice with her in summer?"
"We did a few times, early on, but it usually devolved into huge arguments that we took off the ice too. That pissed my mother off so we just stopped."
"It must be great to have a sister who shares the same interests. It's too bad that there isn't a pro league for women. Will she have to get a job? How will she be able to do that and focus on hockey for the national team after she graduates?"
How do I answer that? Taylor never has to figure out how to balance making money and playing hockey like the other girls on the national team do. With my money, neither my parents nor Taylor ever have to worry about money.
I can see when Anna understands so I don't have to say it.
"Oh, I guess she won't have to worry about that, will she?" Anna says.
"No, not really."
"That's good for her then. She'll be able to focus solely on hockey and work at what she wants to do."
The waiter interrupts us and we order. With that taken care of, we're alone again and I can't think of what else to talk about that isn't about hockey. Both of our lives revolve around the Pens right now so finding another topic is difficult.
"How did your hockey school do this past summer?" she asks me.
"It was great. We've doubled the number of applicants over the four years we've been running it and they're coming from all over the world too. The first year we had a kid from Japan but his parents were expat Canadians. Now we have applicants from Western and Eastern Europe too. This past year we even had a kid from Australia. It was really cool."
"How do you choose who can attend?"
I describe the application process, included the kid's essays, and share details about some of them. They are really cute from the five and six year olds especially. We continue to talk about my school as we eat our dinner. Anna is really interested in it and my friends and family who volunteer before, during and after the camp. The cheque arrives and I realize that we've been talking the whole dinner about me and my family; but, Anna has been laughing and asking questions so I guess she's enjoyed herself.
When we leave the restaurant, I take her hand instinctively and am happy when her fingers wrap around mine. We walk the half block to her hotel.
"This is where I am" she says.
"I'm walking you to your room" I tell her.
My mother raised me better than to drop the girl off rather than walking her directly to her door.
"Ok" she says and gives me an apprehensive look.
"Just to the door" I tell her. "I know it will be difficult but you'll need to try and control yourself when I leave."
I wink at her and she chuckles.
"I'll do my best" she says.
We walk in companionable silence to her room. I'm happy to see that she's on the club level so there is additional security. I'm also happy that we're alone in the hallway. At her door, Anna releases my hand and turns to me.
"This is me" she says.
"Ok" I reply. "Is it, um, ok if I kiss you?"
Wow, I could have done that smoother. I hold my breath while I wait for her to respond.
In response, Anna steps closer toward me and looks up. I cup her cheek, stroke it lightly with my thumb and then lean in to capture her lips softly with mine. Slowly she responds and I feel her hand at my waist. This kiss is unlike any I've ever experienced before, even with Anna. It's sweet and gentle without any need to hurry or rush to get on with 'it'. Her fingers tighten at my waist and I hear her breathy sigh. It takes all of my willpower to keep the kiss light and exploratory.
I use that willpower to pull away. It's especially difficult when I look at Anna and see plump lips parted and ready for more. I have to take a step away when she presses her lips together as if savouring the kiss.
"Goodnight" I tell her.
"Goodnight" she replies, turns to the door and goes inside.
It feels like a successful first step. I almost whistle as I walk back to the elevator.
Anna
I rest my forehead against the cold door and try to settle down so that I don't chase after Sid down the hall and beg him to come back. Dinner was awkward, at least at the beginning, but I had both Adam's and Matt's voices running through my head and focused the conversation on Sid. It became painfully obvious to me that I didn't do enough of that when we were together either before or after we broke up.
I knew that Sid had a hockey school but not how involved he was in every aspect of it. He also has a lot of family and friends who help run it, teach the kids and, basically, do everything at the camp. Sid is also involved with the kids on the ice and has autograph sessions, large group Q&As and time for pictures. It was lovely to see how excited he was telling me about the camp.
I give my head a shake and pull out my phone. I thumb through the messages and see an urgent one from Adam so I call him.
"Finally" is how he answers.
"What is so urgent?" I ask.
"Tomorrow is the day."
"For what Adam?"
"Rossi."
Shit. Seriously? Shit. Oh well, I did agree to it.
"Ok, so he's going to follow me around tomorrow?" I ask.
"Yes. I've adjusted your schedule so that you are busier than usual. There's nothing confidential he can't participate in so he can't complain about access to you; but, there will be very few opportunities for you to be one on one."
"You are my hero."
"Awe shucks" he replies and tries to affect a southern accent.
"Don't try to be southern" I tell him. "You can't quite pull it off my friend."
We both chuckle.
"He'll be at your office at 8:45am. I thought that gave you some time to actually work before the craziness begins."
"You really are my hero. Thanks for your help Adam."
"You're welcome. Night."
We disconnect and I get ready for bed. There's no other messages that can't wait until the morning, and I'll need to be well rested to handle Rossi tomorrow, so I turn off the lights.
Shit. I need to let Sid know so that he gives Rossi a wide berth.
Once I'm in bed, I grab my phone and call Sid.
"Hi" he answers.
"Hi" I reply. "Can you talk?"
"Yeah, I was just watching SportsCentre before going to sleep."
"Ok, um, I need to talk to you about something."
"Anything Anna."
I take a deep breath and let it out before speaking again.
"Tomorrow is the day that Rossi is going to follow me around and interview me. I didn't want it to surprise you."
"Oh" is all he says.
"I don't want to get into an argument Sidney but" I pause to take another deep breath. "I'd appreciate if you would give me and Rossi space. If you see us, please go the other way. I know this is a potentially volatile situation and I just want to get through the day without any incidents. Ok?"
"Ok" is all he says.
One syllable answers are not good. Sid is trying not to say something so he answers with one word. It's always been his tell when he's trying not to blurt something out.
"Say it Sid" I tell him. "We need to be honest with each other."
I hear him take a deep breath this time.
"I want to ask if you're sure that you can handle him by yourself but I don't want to upset you."
I sigh. At least he's being honest with me; although, it's still insulting that he doesn't trust my skill. I don't have the energy to argue about this again so I simply tell Sid about the day.
"I will be fine. The day has been organized so that I am in a lot of meetings and will spend the least amount of time alone with him as possible while still fulfilling the agreement. It will be fine."
"Ok" he says. "I worry."
"I know that you do."
"Thanks for telling me. Sleep well."
"Ok, you too Sidney."
Neither of us disconnects the call. I feel like a teenager talking on the phone with my boyfriend and my mom says I need to go to bed but I don't want to hang up.
"You didn't hang up" he says softly.
"Neither did you."
"I think that I'm supposed to say 'you hang up'."
"Then I say 'no, you hang up'."
"And so on" he says.
"And so on."
We both chuckle. I snuggle deeper under my comforter and into my pillow putting my phone on speaker beside me.
"What's the rustling?" he asks me.
"I put you on speaker so that I could get under my comforter."
"What are you wearing?"
"I'm not telling you."
"Tell me, what are you wearing?"
I look down at Sidney's Property of the Penguins tee shirt that I took when I left his home. He had worn it the day before and it still smells like him.
"I'm wearing a tee shirt" I tell him.
"Awe, could you wear something a little sexier? Or pretend that you are?"
"You are a funny man."
"I try."
"I hate to say this but I really should sleep. Rossi is going to require all of my patience tomorrow and I'll need sleep to be diplomatic."
"Ok, good night."
"Good night Sidney. Thank you for dinner."
"You're welcome."
We disconnect this time. Soon after, I fall into a contented sleep.
My alarm wakes me up at 5am and I drag myself out of bed. In the small kitchen, I make my protein shake and drink it while I dress to work out. Thankfully this floor has a private gym so I find only one person in there running. I say good morning, put my ear buds in, and start to run.
I used to run to keep my weight down. That's still my primary reason but I also run to release stress. It's my one hour that I don't have to think about anything except putting one foot in front of the other. I have the music planned so that I can run at the pace of the song, it speeds up slowly and then slows for me to cool down.
Back in my room, I shower and get ready for work. I can walk to Consol which is one of the reasons I chose this hotel. It also has a Starbucks along the way which is as essential to my mornings as my run.
I'm alone when I arrive at Consol and I focus on emptying my very full email box. A knock on my door interrupts me and, seeing Adam, I realize that I've been sitting at my desk for more than two hours.
"You're early" I say to him.
He comes in with two cups of Starbucks.
"I thought you might need this before Rossi gets here" he tells me.
"Once again, you are my hero."
"I have a full day myself but text me if you need anything, ok? I can fabricate an emergency if you need it."
"Thanks Adam, I think I'll be ok; especially now that I'll be well caffeinated."
He chuckles and leaves my office. I am almost through yesterday's email when there is another knock on my door. When I see who it is, I catch myself before I sigh.
"Good morning Rob" I greet Rossi.
"Good morning."
"Come in" I tell him.
Before I can say anything further, there is another knock at the door and we both turn toward it. Shit. Sid seems to have ignored my request or he doesn't understand what it means to go the other way. Shit.