Anna
"It's very hard to like the woman who broke my brother's heart" Taylor tells me. "How dare you come back and try to pick up your relationship as if nothing happened and expect you and I to be best friends."
I physically sit back in my chair. Taylor's eyes are dark, her voice is hard with distinct malice in it, and she looks pissed. It's a complete change from her earlier, easy and friendly demeanor, and I'm stunned silent. This is not how I anticipated this lunch beginning. How do I respond? What can I possibly say?
"I don't expect us to be best friends right now Taylor" I say carefully.
As I try to think of what to say next, I remember a politician that had some kind of scandal a few years ago and to get the media over it, he had a legendary press conference. He let the media ask him anything, he answered them honestly, and didn't stop until they had no more questions. It went on for hours but finally put the subject to rest and he was never asked about it again.
"Ask me anything Taylor?"
"What?"
"There must be questions you have for me. Go ahead and ask me anything."
She looks skeptical for a moment but must decide to humour me.
"Ok" she says. "Let's start with why you and Sid broke up. He wouldn't tell us anything when it happened except that you quit your job and went home."
She's starting with the big one.
"My father was going to run for President and, when it became public that I had an abortion, my parents told me to come home. I needed to help them manage the media backlash" I tell her.
"That's why you and Sid broke up? I don't believe that you would break up because you had to go home or because you had an abortion. So the news broke, your family demanded that you go home, but why did you and Sid break up?"
This is going to get tricky. I don't know if Sid wants his family to know that the baby I aborted was his but I want to be honest with her.
"I lied to him about the abortion" I tell her. "I won't discuss why with you, that's Sid's decision, but it wasn't the first time that I lied to him. Anyway, Sid had enough of it and I don't blame him."
"Honesty is very important to Sid" Taylor says. "He doesn't fully open himself up to others unless he completely trust them so it must have felt like he'd been betrayed when you lied."
As if I didn't feel bad enough about lying to Sidney, along comes his sister who twists the knife deeper into my heart. I don't blame her of course but it hurts nonetheless.
"After I left, we didn't speak or see each other for two years" I tell her.
"You found a replacement quickly" she says with spite.
It's getting harder not to blame her for being so nasty.
"I wouldn't say that Matt was a replacement" I tell her. "I helped my family with the election until my father was diagnosed with cancer. Matt and I had been friends for years since his father was mine's chief of staff. Anyway, he had been involved in local politics for a while and had been considering a seat in Congress. My father asked Matt to run for Governor but being single is definitely a problem in that position. Anyway, this may be modern day but my mother still lives in the old south in her mind, meaning that an arranged marriage or sorts is still done. Both sets of parents had always wished that Matt and I would get together but we were good friends and nothing more."
I take a sip of my tea before continuing.
"I knew that I wasn't in love with Matt, nor was he with me, but we did love each other. We decided to see what we would be like together. It was the easiest thing I've ever done. We slid into a loving relationship and partnership."
I was looking down at my ice tea while talking about how Matt and I got together. It was too hard to watch her as I told story. Now, as I look up, I can't read her expression so I wait.
"So you and this guy decided to get together because your families wanted it and he was going to run for Governor? This sounds like a reality show" she says.
I chuckle because she's right.
"Well, it made sense at the time" I replay.
"So why, after Matt won the election, did you leave him? Or were you only with him to win the election and then you planned on coming back to Sid?"
"No" I tell her emphatically. "My relationship, engagement, with Matt was real. We planned on getting married, having children and living a happy life together."
"So why blow it up?"
"I saw Sid, for the first time since we broke up, at a fundraiser at Mario's house. We talked for a few minutes but about nothing in particular. I couldn't stop thinking about him after that day and I guess I became distant or preoccupied and Matt noticed. Anyway, Matt was the first one to bring up that I was still in love with him and should try it again."
"Matt suggested that?" Taylor asks me.
"Yeah, he's a really good guy Taylor. Anyway, I grabbed a plane and showed up on Sid's door praying that he would at least let me in to talk to him."
"Of course he did" Taylor says and smiles.
I smile back at her and, for a moment, we both share knowledge of what a good guy Sidney is too.
"That's how and why I came back" I tell her.
"Why are you staying in a hotel?" she asks. "I'm not twelve and it's not a surprise to me that you're having sex."
"I was living with Sid and, although we learned from our previous mistakes, we've found new ones to make" I tell her. "We jumped back into our relationship without considering how difficult it might be to build a new one. We started fighting, a lot, so I moved out and we've started dating."
"I don't think that there is a better example of putting the cart before the horse" she says.
We both stop speaking when the server brings us our lunch. When he's gone, we pick up the conversation again.
"What else do you want to know?" I ask.
"I think that's it" she says. "For now."
I relax finally and pick up my fork to start eating. That didn't go as bad as I feared it would be. It looks like we've turned a corner in our relationship.
"Now I have some things that you need to know" she tells me in her icy voice again. "After his concussion, when he was healthy and back playing, Sid was different. He played as well as ever and maybe even better; but, he also sought more balance in his life. Hockey was no less important to him but he spent more time with friends during the season, my parents and I visited him more often and he even took a college course. Sid was trying to round out his life and found out that his game didn't suffer because he was enjoying life."
I'm not sure where she's going with her recounting so I stay quiet and let her continue uninterrupted.
"When Sid met you, my parents were both surprised and thrilled. He never had a real girlfriend during the season before. Sure, he was dating during the season but the relationship was usually on the back burner and he wouldn't see the girl for weeks or months at a time. He wasn't mean about it and made sure that every girl knew that hockey always came first during the season. Anyway, when he started seeing you and it was a real relationship, it surprised us. My parents really liked you too."
She takes a few bites of her food before continuing. I notice that she says 'liked' in the past tense when referring to her parents liking me.
"When you left, it was like those years of personal growth never happened. Sid closed up again and focused on hockey to the exclusion of everything else. Sure, he still went to California at the end of the season for vacation with some friends, but even they knew that Sid was different and it was worse than before his concussions. He was much more intense and focused and never lighthearted again. There was no interest or excitement for anything. Even in a crowd, Sid was emotionally withdrawn and would only engage if some talked directly to him. It was more than just being sad. I never understood the phrase 'shell of a man' until I've observed Sid over the past two years and it was worse than any other time of his life. Even at the beginning of his career, when he was uber focused on hockey, he could still be a goofball and have fun. I haven't seen my brother, who he truly is, in more than two years."
I don't know what to say" I begin but Taylor interrupts me.
"You did that to him" she says. "Now, after two years and nearly destroying him, you come back to what? When are you leaving again? It nearly killed him the last time."
Now I'm stunned. She says the words low and with a vitriol I've never heard before. If she had a weapon in her hand then I suspect I'd be dead.
"I, um, I won't be leaving again Taylor. I love him."
"So you didn't love him last time you left?"
"No, I mean, yes I did."
"But you still left him. Why should I believe that you'll treat him any better this time? I mean, for fuck sake Anna, you went from my brother directly to Matt and then back again. You didn't even miss a beat between them either time. I'd have to be blind not to see how anxious my brother is about you. He's probably waiting for you to leave him again. You should just leave now so that he doesn't get too attached this time. I don't know if he could come back from that pain again. Do you really understand how much you hurt him? Damaged him? He still hasn't fully recovered!"
Is this the real reason that Sidney is so worried about me being able to do my job well? Does he think that I'll leave if I fail? Is this worse than I think? I worried that Sid couldn't love the 'me' that I am today because he doesn't know me; but, do I even know who he is right now?
"Anna?"
I look up when Taylor says my name. She looks concerned.
"Look, Anna, I'm sorry if I'm being too direct or even hurtful. It isn't my intention to hurt you but I think someone needs to tell you what Sid went through. I love my brother and I won't let him be hurt again like he was before. He deserves better. He's a good guy, even better than most people know, and he would do anything to have you back. You need to make sure that you're really back to stay. He's talking about marriage and kids; a life with you. Not right now but that's what he sees in the future for the two of you. If you don't feel the same, if you don't want a life with him, or you think there is a remote chance that you are going to leave then do it now. We can pick up the pieces. But it will kill him if he gets his hopes up again and you leave."
Oh my god! I've been blaming Sid for our arguments about my job. Is it possible that the fault lies with me? Could I be blaming Sid for something that I caused? Suddenly I feel very nauseous.
"Excuse me" I say and quickly look for the bathroom.
I make it just in time to lose what little of my lunch that I've eaten. The whole thing makes me sick. Matt and Adam's words come back to me, almost taunting me, like they're saying 'I told you so' over and over.
At the bathroom sink, I wet a paper towel and wipe my mouth. I repeat the action with a new piece and dab at my forehead and brow. Looking into the mirror tells me that I look as bad as I feel. Shit, I should have grabbed my purse. I do the best I can to wipe smudges from under my eyes and pinch my cheeks to get some colour. Hmm, I guess all those 'tricks' my mother taught me do work.
I smooth down my shirt and skirt, take a deep breath and then go back to the table.
"Are you ok?" Taylor asks me.
"I'll be fine" I tell her and take a sip of my ice tea.
The waiter comes to the table so I ask for the bill. Taylor has finished her lunch and there is no way that I can eat any more.
"I'm sorry to cut our lunch short" I tell her. "I need to get back to the office unfortunately."
At least that isn't a complete lie. Getting back to the office will accomplish my real goal; getting away from Taylor right now. I have so much to think about and it isn't going to happen around Sid's pissed off sister.
"Oh, ok" Taylor says.
She doesn't believe me and she knows that I know but we're both going to let it go. There's been entirely enough honesty at this lunch and there is nothing more to be achieved.
After paying our bill, we take a cab back to Consol in silence. I think neither of us knows what to say or where to go from here. Maybe I should hate Taylor but I can't. She loves her brother and is looking out for him. Besides, she didn't say anything that was untrue. I did go directly from Sid to Matt and back to Sid again. I did break Sid's heart and then didn't even care enough to ask him about it. I'm as guilty, maybe even more, than Taylor made me out to be. She's right. Maybe I should leave. Maybe Sid would be better without me.
At Consol, we walk in together but, as soon as we enter ice level, I'm greeted by two of my interns who have questions. I don't know that I've ever been so grateful for a diversion.
"Sorry Taylor, I have to go. I'll see you later" I tell her, managing to sound normal to those around me.
"Ok" is all she says.
Taylor clearly looks like something is wrong. She's not nearly as skilled or practiced as I am at hiding my emotions or acting the part. Naively I thought that I wouldn't need to 'act' anymore in my personal life and could simply be myself. I guess not as much as I thought has changed.
Sidney
Something's wrong. Taylor has been acting weird since she and Anna had lunch together. I didn't seen Anna because she went directly into a meeting when they got back and I won't see her until this evening. Taylor and I are going to dinner with some of my friends and their wives then we'll be going to a bar where Anna will meet us. Hopefully she'll tell me what happened because I'm getting nowhere asking Taylor. Currently, we're driving in silence to the restaurant and it's driving me crazy.
"Ok, enough Tay. What the fuck is going on?"
She sighs and looks out her window. As I'm debating pulling over to the side of the road, Taylor finally talks.
"Sid, I don't want to talk about it. Anna and I got to know each other better and I think we were open and honest too. That's not always an easy thing of course so we argued. Before you jump all over me, don't."
"What the fuck does that mean?" I ask her.
"It means that we got to know each other better and had an argument. It happens and it's not up to you to fix it, ok?"
What the hell does she mean? If it's not up to me, then who is it up to? I can see that I'm getting nowhere with her and, when Taylor has made a decision, she isn't going to change her mind.
"Fine" I tell her. "For now."
Hopefully I can get the answer from Anna when we see her later. If not, hell, I don't know what I'll do if not.
Dinner is a lot of fun as usually. Carol-Lyn and Vero are particularly happy to see Taylor because it's been months since they've seen her. The families get to know each other when you play together for years, even if they aren't located in Pittsburgh like Taylor, so it's like a family reunion when we get back together.
To my surprise, everyone goes to the club after dinner. I sent Anna the location and expected her to say she was too busy to come. She really is busy today and, given Taylor's mood after lunch, I expect that Anna may not want to see her again today. I'm surprised again when Anna texts that she would meet us at the club. Maybe I'm just overreacting to Taylor's mood.
Any delusions that we could slip into the club unnoticed goes out of my head when we're recognized entering. Quickly, phones begin taking pictures and people are shouting out our names. We are quickly escorted to a special area where we can be together and away from others. There are servers waiting for us and taking our orders quickly.
"Put everything on one bill and give it to me when I leave, ok?" I tell the server who takes my order.
"Sure Sid" she says.
I look around and see my friends with their wives, even Duper and Carol-Lyn came out to see Taylor, and I feel lucky. The only thing that would make me happier is if Anna was here. As if she knew I was thinking of her, my phone vibrates with a text.
'I'm sorry but I can't come. Too much to catch up on'
Just a few hours ago she said that she could come and now she's changed her mind. This doesn't make sense and I begin to worry.
'Not even for one drink?'
'Sorry, no, going to hotel, eat, then work'
'Ok, take care'
'Will do'
"Problem?" Duper asks and sits beside me.
"Anna's not coming" I tell him.
"Work?"
"Yeah, that's what she said."
"But you doubt it?" he asks.
"Anna and Tay had lunch today. Something happened but I don't know what it was and neither of them is telling me."
"Oh."
"That's all you've got for me Dupe? Oh?"
"What do you think happened?"
"I have no idea" I tell him. "Tay said that they were honest with each other and there was some kind of conflict. Other than that, I know nothing. Dinner was great last night. They got drunk together, were laughing and chirping me, it was great."
"Look kid, we're all having fun catching up with Taylor and, clearly, she's having fun too" he points to Taylor coming back to our area with the girls, laughing hysterically. "Why don't we drive her home, it's on our way, and you can go find out what's up with Anna?"
Part of me feels like I'm abandoning Taylor but Duper is right. Tonight was for her to catch up with friends, not me, and my relationship with Anna is still fragile. My decision is easily made.
"Good idea" I tell Duper and stand to talk to Taylor. I pull her to the side and say "Tay, do you mind if I head out? Anna has a lot of work to catch up on still and I'd really like to stop by and just say hi to her. Duper and Carole-Lyn will take you home. Ok?"
Taylor gives me a weird, half smile and says "yeah, it's fine. Go."
I kiss her cheek and then say goodbye to everyone. Duper wishes me good luck and then I'm on my way to Anna's hotel. I don't text her until I'm in the lobby so she can't tell me not to come. Her southern manners will stop her from turning me away if I'm already here. Unfortunately I can't go to her door because she's on a secure floor.
'I'm here, can you let me up?' I text.
I only have to wait a few seconds before she replies.
'Here? The hotel here?'
'Yeah the hotel, in lobby, need you to let me up to the floor'
'Ok, meet me at the elevators'
'Ok'
As predicted, she didn't turn me away so I go to the bank of elevators and wait for her. The elevator 'bings' but it's not her. I have to wait for a few more before she comes out.
I'm surprised when I see her. Anna is in yoga pants and an oversized Penguin's sweatshirt. Her hair is in a ponytail, she's wearing no makeup and her eyes are red. She's clearly been crying.
"Hi" I say unsure what else I should say or do.
"Hi" she says and backs into the elevator to let me in.
We ride up in silence and I follow her, still in silence, to her room. Her computer is open on the desk and there are folders around it so she's clearly been working; but, her red rimmed eyes and the boxes of tissue beside her computer, beside the bed and on the coffee table tell me that she's been crying. I follow her to the seating area.
"Tell me what's going on" I say softly.
"I'm really sorry that I didn't make it tonight."
"That's not what I'm talking about. Clearly, something is wrong besides work and I'm asking you to tell me what's going on."
Her eyes fill up with tears and I immediately regret pushing her to talk to me. I move so that I'm sitting on the sofa next to her and pull her into my arms. I'm surprised when she climbs completely onto my lap and curls into me. Fear begins to stir in my stomach.
"Baby, are you ok?"
Anna sniffs and her hand clutches my shirt while I slowly rub her back trying to sooth.
"I don't know" she almost whispers.
"Talk to me" I plead.
She softly cries into my chest and I continue to stroke her back slowly. This continues for a few minutes so I simply hold her and wait until she's cried out. We aren't going to be able to talk until she's ready. My mind whirls, wondering what the fuck happened at lunch that this strong and confident woman has become the girl of two years ago. Since I saw her at the elevator, every part of her body screams that she's timid, scared and insecure again.
Anna's tears slow and she pulls back to reach for the tissue on the coffee table. She moves away from me, to the other end of the sofa, and wipes her tears and nose.
"Better?" I ask.
Anna nods and gives me a smile that doesn't reach her eyes.
"Anna, talk to me."
"Ok" she says. "What happened when I left?"
"What do you mean?" I'm confused.
"When I left, two years ago, what happened to you? How did you react? Did it change you? I know you played incredibly and won the Cup but what else?"
"I don't know what you mean. Sully came in as our new coach and we had some of the young WBS guys come up. Everyone started playing better when that happened and our game changed. Is that what you mean?"
"No Sidney. I mean you specifically. How did our break up affect you?"
"I was upset, of course."
I'm really uneasy about what she's talking about and where this is leading.
"So you focused on hockey?" she asks.
"Yeah, I guess, I focused on the game. I still had a job to do so I did it."
"Did you date?"
"Huh?"
"Did you date?" she repeats.
"No, I mean there were a few girls but no one important or that I would consider a relationship. What are you getting at Anna? Why all of these questions?"
"Taylor shared with me what happened to you after your concussions."
Now I'm really fucking confused. What does my concussion have to do with the break up?
"Why?" I ask.
"She was sharing with me what happened, how it affected you and the result. Taylor said that the experiences made you want more in your life and you opened up to experiences outside of hockey. You were no less dedicated but you looked to expand your life in addition to the game. Is that accurate?"
"Yeah, I don't know that I thought of it that way but I guess that is what happened. When hockey was gone during my injury, and for a lot of that time I couldn't even work out, I had nothing else. My family was there of course but it made me evaluate my life and it was sad. I'm always one major injury away from losing my life because the sum of it is hockey. So I changed it."
"And I was part of that change?"
"Not immediately after but yeah. Before the concussion, I would have never had a relationship like ours during the season."
"After the break up, I bet you wished that you'd never changed."
"I guess but that was then. I've put it behind me Anna. We're back together now and that was a long time ago."
"Have you put it behind you?"
"I just said that I did" I tell her a little more forcefully. I just told her that it is behind me.
"I disagree" she replies.
"Ok, why?"
"Sidney, have you considered why you are so concerned about me doing well at my job."
"I feel like this entire conversation has been a series of left turns and I can't see the map. I have no idea what you're asking me."
"Then we'll make one more left turn so that we can come full circle. Let's start at the concussion. You learned that there is more to life than hockey and adding other things, or people, to your life won't make you less of a hockey player. Then we met and, as you just said, your life expanded during hockey season when it had never happened before."
"Right" I tell her. "But I'm still lost."
"It all fell apart Sidney. You took a chance on a relationship with me and it all fell apart."
Feeling extremely frustrated, I stand and then walk across the room. After taking a couple of deep breaths, I turn back to Anna. She looks so small in the huge hoody, sitting cross legged on the sofa.
"I was there Anna. I know that it fell the fuck apart!"
"Well, it could again!" she shouts back.
Is that what this is about?
"Don't you think I know that Anna? You came back, we talked, everything was great and, guess what happened, you left! Ok, you didn't leave the state or the Pens, but you moved out. You said that you'd never leave again and you did."
She smiles, a sad smile, and purses her lips for a moment.
"Taylor was right" she says softly, almost to herself.
"What do you mean 'Taylor was right'?"
Anna looks up and sighs.
"I'm going to keep hurting you. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing so I'm going to keep hurting you over and over. She's right; I should just leave for good."
Something doesn't make sense. Taylor wouldn't tell Anna to leave me. There is no way that my sister would hurt me like that, on purpose too, by telling Anna to go.
"I don't believe it" I tell Anna. "Taylor wouldn't just tell you to leave me."
"She didn't say it like that" Anna replies. "But, she said that she doesn't want to see you hurt and, if I'm going to leave sooner than later, then I should leave sooner."
"You're planning on leaving?"
"No, not planning, but god Sidney, look at my track record. I lied to you, over and over again. I was engaged to another man and go from his bed one day to yours the next. You know what they call girls like that, right? When I do come back, I don't even consider your feelings or what you went through. All I focused on was talking out why I didn't tell you about the abortion and then getting you to forgive me. Like that was going to fix everything magically. No wonder you're so freaked out about my leaving."
"Are you done?" I ask sarcastically.
"Um, yeah."
"First, don't ever talk about yourself like that, ever. Neither of us was perfect in this relationship. Ok?"
"Alright" she agrees.
"Good. Second, I'm not freaked out about you leaving, or however you put it. I mean, I want to you stay but I'm not, shit, you know what I'm saying."
"So why do you think that I can't handle this job with the Pens? Two years ago, you were impressed by my skills and even seemed proud of me. Why did that change? Don't say it's a harder job because, you know if you're honest, that it isn't too hard a job for me. Could you be concerned that, if I don't do well, then I'll leave?"
Is she right? Is that why I've worried about her and how she's doing at work? Do I worry about her leaving me if she fails?
"You know I'm right Sidney."
Is she right?
"Anna" I begin but don't know what to say next.
"I'm right Sidney."
"Anna, I don't know if you're right or wrong. I do know that if you leave me again it might just kill me this time, that part I'm sure of right now. I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. That's not a proposal, we're not ready for that, but I want to understand how much I love you. And don't start with the 'I don't know you so how could I love you' shit. I know you."
"Yeah, I guess you do. It wasn't that you thought I was unable to do the job. You just didn't want me open to something that could make me leave like doing poorly at this job. You do know me. But, this whole thing is making me wonder if I really know you." I'm about to interrupt her but she puts up her hand and continues. "Until I spoke with Taylor, there was so much about you that I didn't know and I didn't ask. I haven't been fair to you and, on top of it all, I've made it seem like it's your fault."
She starts to cry again. I'm at her side on the sofa in an instant.
"There's no one to blame here Anna. We're both really bad at this apparently. If we put everything else aside, all of the reasons for why we each did those things, then you were right. When you moved out of my place, you said that we need to get to know each other better and you're right. Wow, I actually agree with what you moving out. We need to go back and do all the steps that we skipped. We've both changed and need to explore what that means. I know that it doesn't mean we can't love each other, because we do, but we have to build our relationship. We can't simply slide back into what was, because things are different, but we can be together while we figure things out."
She's stopped crying and wipes her eyes.
"I'm confused" she whispers and looks down at her fingers.
"For the first time all day, I'm not" I admit.
She looks up and smiles, this time it reaches her eyes. I smile back.
"At least one of us is clear" she says. "So what do we do now?"
"In the larger sense, we keep going with your plan and date. I still have that big one to plan for our day off."
"Ok."
"For right now, we go to bed. No more work for you. I'm going to call my sister and tell her that I'm staying here tonight, no arguing" I tell her before she can open her mouth. "Ok?"
"Ok" is all she says, again.
For right now, that's all I really need.