6.

Ethan's POV

The drive to Forks was long and boring. Let's face it, we all miss Marc. In so many ways he held the family together. Now he's just gone. Plain and simple, gone. That's all they had to do to tear us apart. It was so, ridiculously easy. Because we were one person, one cat. Rip off one limb and the only thing left is an invalid with no motive to continue. Us cats, we were a team, a Pride, a family. But now, the whole thing was slowly dissolving. Two years, and Faythe will call it quits. Bella's the only one left, but she's always brushed aside her role, followed her big sister's footsteps. Nobody seems to care anymore, or at least, that's what it seems like. Hell, I don't even know if I care.

I was almost in Forks when our cousin, Charlie, called me. I had always had this vague dislike for Charlie. He was stouthearted, powerful, and could have meant so much to the Pride. Instead he chose to work for the lowly humans as the Chief Police. Always concealing his identity, shirking from the responsibilities that should have been his. He could have been a good Enforcer. Responsibilities that he could have handled with so much more maturity, instead of leaving it to the rest of us.

"Hello?" I answered the phone. "What is it?"

"It's Bella, she's missing," Charlie said, his voice dripping with confusion.

"How is that possible? Did she display any signs that she planned on running away?" I asked.

"I didn't think so," Charlie said.

"Don't worry, we'll figure this out. I'll be there in about thirty minutes," I said. Charlie didn't ask why I was so close. He was enforcer for Bella's blood father. May he wasn't surprised for a reason.

"Okay, see you then."

'I can almost see it

That dream I'm dreaming but

There's a voice inside my head sayin'

You'll never reach it

Every step I'm taking

Every move I make feels lost with no direction

My faith is shaking

But I, I gotta keep trying,

Gotta keep my head held high'

Sitting in the Cullen's kitchen, I placed the CD into Esme's CD player. Dark thoughts have been plagued my mind since my first hunt as a vampire. Two days have passed, and I haven't moved from my position in the corner of the kitchen. I was staring at the mirror across the room and seeing a me that wasn't me. The Cullens keep trying to get me to hunt. They tell me that I am slowly destroying myself.

There is this fear inside me. Am I still me? Have I lost my heritage, have I lost my cat form?

I banged my head against the counter and stared at the crack in the once smooth granite. I dug my hand into the crevice, held the crushed granite in my hands. I let the pieces fall to the ground. I sprinted to the corner and huddled up inside myself.

"I can't take what you're doing to yourself," Alice said, walking into the room.

I looked up at Alice. I couldn't say anything to her. What was there to say? I couldn't say anything to this girl. I didn't know her. And yet, when I looked into her eyes, I knew that her life was not always kind to her. There was so much more, but I didn't know her yet, and in reality we were strangers. She called me sister. But I was a blank slate to Alice.

'There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna want to make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb.'

I stood up and stare into Alice's face. She held her hand out to me. Reluctantly, I took it. "How is Edward?" I asked.

Alice's face broke. My crimson eyes stared into Alice's golden irises, and I could see her panic. Her eyes mirrored my own. For several minutes, the two of us just stood there staring. We were trying to figure out what was happening and where we would go from here. He wouldn't admit it, but Alice knew from Jasper's power that Edward's arm was still hurting and the pain had spread the rest of his body. I had overheard Carlisle saying that Edward was running a fever, which is strange for a vampire.

I wanted to help, I really did. I should be by his side, helping him through this, like he did as I was changing. The guilt of what I had done to him, self defense or not, it was tearing me apart inside.

'The struggles I'm facing

The chances I'm taking

Sometimes might knock me down, but now I'm not breaking

I may not know it, but these are the moments that

I'm going to remember most yeah,

Just gotta keep going,

And I, I gotta be strong, Just keep pushing on.'

"Come on, let's go check on him," Alice said, smiling at me. I walked over to the radio and pressed the 'off' button. I couldn't remember who sang that song but it felt like it was hitting a nerve.

The two of us walked upstairs. But Edward wasn't in his room.

I turned to face Alice. "Where is he?" I asked, and then wondered why I cared. I had emotional put up as many walls as possible inside me. I was so intent on keeping others out, that when I pulled myself out of my shell, I felt lost. Edward wasn't here. A sudden feeling of being lost poured over me. This confused me more. Every fiber of me needed to know where he was. It wasn't an intentionally need, it was instinctual. I felt like I was drowning.

"Alice," Jasper said from behind me. "Can you see where he is." He was looking at me when he asked her to do this.

Alice closed her eyes and zoned out. I knew that she was trying to search for Edward. Searching his near future. Where was he? Was he alright? Will he be alright?

Stray Fever will usually last a little bit less than a month. But he was a vampire, the process may be different. I know that turning into a werecat is nothing like the change into a vampire. When a human changes into a werecat, he doesn't normally die, well some do. And they don't lose all the blood in ones body.

But Edward was already dead, by human standards. In his eyes, he was. That thought made me sad. Jasper frowned at me as he watched me.

I wished I knew how it worked. What happens? I wanted to scream, 'I don't know! Don't kill me, but I don't know!'

"Do you see anything?" I asked Alice.

Gloomily, Alice shook her head. "I keep trying, but all I get is a blurry picture. It's giving me a headache! A real one!"

"How long does it take to change into a werecat?" Alice finally asked after a moment of silence.

"A little less than a month, but who knows, this isn't the ordinary case. He may not even change," I said, but that's just being foolishly hopeful on my account. And I didn't know. I didn't have an answer for Alice. Right now, I had my own questions that I needed to search out and find the answers too. The answers were out there, somewhere. They were in my grasps. I only had to reach out and take what was rightfully mine. I hoped that the truth didn't hurt too much. After all, my identity was on the line. If I wasn't still me, I would find a way to kill myself. I could not live without my cat. I couldn't live without myself.

"But his future is blurry, what else could that mean?" Alice asked, perplexed. Jasper was still staring at me. What the hell was his problem? Damn empath! That only got a smirk out of him

Wearily, I walked past Jasper and out of the room. Alice followed me.

"Please don't follow me. I just want to be alone right now," I said.

"You're going to the forest," Alice stated. There was no question in her voice, just monotonous knowledge and weary acceptance. She knows that there was nothing she could do to stop me. Hell I was stronger than her. I was stronger than any of them. I'm a newborn vampire. I nodded my head slowly.

"Don't," Alice said. "You might slip up and kill someone."

I shook my head. Nothing mattered right now. That lost feeling had come back by ten-fold. None of it mattered. My thoughts went back to Edward now.

"But you would see it, Alice," I said. My comment had, a snide edge that I hadn't really intended. It's just that I'm tired. I was tired in the way Bilbo Baggins was from the Lord of the Rings. I just needed to get away from it all. I needed to find someplace to escape and rest my mind. I needed to somehow make sure that, by some miracle, I was still me.

I walked down the stairs and fled out the door at vampire speed. I wasn't giving Alice the chance to do anything about it. I ran out the door and winced as a fresh burst of wind whipped past my hair. It didn't sting or anything, but it reminded me that I was alive. Sort of. At the moment I wasn't sure if I was that fond of the idea.

I ran, not thinking of all the humans who might see me. I wasn't thinking of what might transpire if someone were to see me or if I came into contact with a human. That hadn't happened since my fated change. I didn't want to know what would happen. I don't want to know if I should be worried. Should Alice should be worried?

A pang throbbed inside my chest. It had nothing to do with thirst. It was telling me that both of us should be worried. Definitely, be worried. Keep your guard up Bella. Because of thirst. Because of the monster that was secretly lurking inside me and her and all of her family. It was a with dark, parasitic allure.

The the trip across the river was a blurred and soon I was safe again in the forest, far from both the Cullens and civilization. My head was spinning and boiling with uncontrollable rage. My eyes blurred and I wasn't me anymore. I wasn't Bella. As if flicking a piece of paper away, I gripped a tree trunk and pulled it out of its earth-laden sanctuary, tossing it across the forest with simple-minded rage. I repeated the process, over and over again, destroying the forest, my ghost tears and my ghost sweat working me into a state of numbness, inhuman insanity. With hands that didn't look like claws but worked just as effectively, I ripped the dirt from the ground and crushed boulders against my skull. It was fruitlessly trying to injure myself, maim myself, do something to crush the monster inside of me. I needed to dull the pain that was throbbing inside my throat.

Usually I would ignore pain, I had myself trained so well. I thought I had conquered myself. But now my instincts were so strong, and my emotions so powerful that I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed. It was a flood of sensations that told me that I wouldn't be able to control myself.

I wanted pain. I needed pain. Not this ghost of a thing inside my throat. This burning beast was consistently challenging me. The monster was tempting me with all of the Devil's sweet illusions, what heresies. What kind of pain is this? How is this pain at all? This was pure torture. This was hell. This was a monstrosity. This is what Edward, Alice, Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, Esme, and Carlisle had to deal with on a daily bases. Lord only knows what else. Of course I don't blame them.

But wasn't it Edward that condemned me to this? Yes, but he was only acting in his nature, wasn't he? Yes, but he didn't know until it was to late. I wanted something to blame. Some demon or beast, something to take the responsible for this fake pain. This was a sensation that I didn't like and couldn't even begin to comprehend.

I needed pain. Real pain. Human pain. No. Cat pain.

And then I broke down. No pain, no gain. I threw myself on the silent forest floor and tucked my head in between my knees and sobbed dryly. I was even denied my tears.

I had to know, the curiosity was killing me. There had to be proof. Please, please, God knows that this always been my weakness. It was that same mind numbing curiosity that killed the cat. Me, being the cat.

Quickly, I stood up and ripped my clothes off. In a blur, I was naked on the forest floor. I was alone with my daunting thoughts and my very naked eyes. I closed those naked eyes, meditated like I always did when transforming. I willed the transformation, using more will power and determination than I ever remember using before. Soon I felt the all-too familiar sensation of bones rippling and tearing. I was changing. The beautiful, beautiful pain that I was so afraid that I had lost. And I reveled in it. I swam in it while I could. I had been so afraid of losing my cat. The physical pain was here and now. It was mine. MINE, to grasp and to hold and never, ever let go of. And I never would let go of it. I never would release it.

The my cat would tame the vampire within. She knew how to better than I could ever begin to fathom. But she was me, God yes, God yes, she was me. For the first time since awaking to this life, I knew that I would be okay.

And then I ran through the forest in my cat form. I was overcome with the instinct to run faster than I ever had before. I ran through the forest with silent paws, taking in the sensations the forest provided me with.

I had the familiar instinct to pounce on a deer and eat its flesh, despite the fact that I knew I would have to choke it up as soon as I transformed into my hum…no, vampire….form.

I didn't care. I was in my cat form. I wasn't thinking. Only my instincts fueled me. I trailed a herd of deer and pounced on one of them, not noticing his or her soft leathery fur. The blood smelled even sweeter in this form. I consumed all of its flesh and all of its blood, leaving nothing but bones and hide to rot and waste away on the leafy floor.

I ran some more, finally finding a stream and resting my paws in the cool water. Myth number one: cat's hate water. One hundred percent myth. I love water. Always have, always will. I jumped into the running water and let the water soak my fur.

I played around in the water for a long time, splashing, purring and growling. I was being silly and I was procrastinating. I don't know how much time had passed, but I let it pass. I didn't want to return to the Cullen household yet. I didn't want to come face to face with everything that was imminent. I wanted everything to pass me by.

But, I could only procrastinate for so long. I meandered back to the area I had dropped off my clothes and willed the transformation back to my vampire form. I was feeling the sensation of bones ripping and changing and my stomach now gurgling. I didn't have the ability to digest the animal flesh that my cat form's taste buds still yearned for. My body couldn't digest it.

Then I found a new kind of pain.