It's hard to write angsty stuff, but happily, I found this quite easy! Here you guys go; it might be my last update this week. Draco pays for his lies. And Hermione determines to take Lily's place. Thanks always guys for all your support – it's no story without you and I never forget that.

LCailan

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

Hermione had never seen apprehension the way it was painted across Draco's face, with harsh and ragged strokes. Before he even said anything, she could see his agony and the heaviness left by uncertainty. His lips trembled when he finally opened his mouth to speak.

"Pansy nicked Lily to get back at me for interfering between the two of you that day in the courtyard."

Even the memory of that day sent shivers up and down Hermione's spine and she could only make a small, mewling sound in the back of her throat.

Draco cleared his throat, wincing a bit.

"I know her. I know how she can be when she doesn't get her way, or when she wants something she can't have. She's hated the fact that I married Astoria. She's hated me for being so cold towards her. She still believes somehow that we belong together. And, no matter how much I loathe the idea, I know that she knows me."

He reached out, hoping to find the warmth of her hand. Hermione squeezed his fingers when they found hers, shocked at how cold he felt.

"She's sensed that there's something…between us. I think she knew even before I did."

Draco was gazing down at their entwined fingers, his heart pummeling like a drum within him. Terrified and exhilarated, he finally looked into her eyes.

"I care about you. I never married Astoria for love, and I never believed that I could love someone else, Hermione. You do know, don't you…that I-"

He stopped short, afraid of speaking the words he felt, of coming to terms with his feelings. If he spoke his love, it would mean that it was real, that whatever came after, she would be there with him. But, if she didn't feel the same way, it would be-

Taking a huge, shaking breath, Draco warred with his fear; it was a ferocious battle that branded wounds within him, battering his heart.

"The day Parkinson came after Lily, I went after her. I begged her to give back the child, but she refused. She told me….she told me that if I stopped protecting you, she'd return the girl. Don't you see? She did it to hurt me. She suggested I trade you for Lily. It was the only way she could see separating me from you."

Hermione's face paled as she fought for air; it felt like her heart had taken lodging in her throat, and breathing was next to impossible.

Eyes wide, she spoke, her voice strained.

"You didn't tell me. You didn't give me the option!"

His expression became pained.

"No, I…I was afraid. Afraid that you'd…you'd agree to her demand, and I would- Hermione, I didn't want to lose you. I know it's crazy, but please, you have to understand!"

Struggling against his fingers, Hermione managed to pry her hand away, shaking her head.

"You could have avoided this whole thing, but you didn't! I gave myself to you! I shamed myself, gave you everything, even my dignity and pride! Why? WHY?"

Her tears glimmered as they slid down her cheeks. He threw out his hands, his eyes wide.

"I just told you why! I didn't want to lose you!"

"Oh, so it was all about you, was it? You endangered the life of a little girl for months!"

Hermione's words were biting, tearing into Draco like sharp knives, bringing with them the sharp sting of regret. He reached to calm her, but Hermione could only see red, and felt sick at the idea of being touched by him now.

Head spinning, she stumbled from the sidewalk onto the wet street, but he swiftly followed, reaching for her once more, even though she flung him off with vehemence.

"Don't," she hissed. "Don't touch me. Don't pretend that you care about anything or anyone but yourself!"

The icy fingers of panic touched Draco's heart, and began their gentle squeeze. He took a ragged breath.

"No, it's not true! I care about you!"

He felt helpless as once more she refused his advancement, moving just out of his reach, her face pale, her eyes sad and accusing.

"Don't you understand? Everything in my life changed the night they brought you to the alienage! My whole focus, everything! That's why Pansy was so adamant; she saw something I didn't even know until…I didn't know my own feelings, Hermione. But I do now."

Hermione shook her head vehemently, her face a stark mask of denial. No. She wouldn't even begin to harbor such a hope. She just wouldn't, for he had already made a fool of her.

"No, no you don't! You couldn't possibly understand feelings or loyalty could you? How can a heartless man care?"

The words were ripe with betrayal and hurt. The icy squeeze on Draco's heart intensified, sending shocks of panic through him. Hermione, pale and in shock, stared at him with hatred. Her eyes were darker and more tormented than he had ever seen them.

"You did what felt good for you! You didn't once think about Lily, stuck with that horrid woman!"

Her tears increased, seemingly endless, streaming down her face like the rain around them. His weakened heart began to protest against the icy panic which gripped him. Two spots of brilliant color brightened her white face. Draco knew the color to be borne of rage.

"Having me around was like some kind of sick comfort for you, and that's why you didn't tell me. You weren't fair, Draco! You weren't fair to anyone, and I can't BELIEVE I thought I trusted you!"

The street had fallen mostly silent now, as darkness had claimed the city and the rain had chased most everyone inside. It was just them, and he watched helplessly as Hermione flung off the charmed overcoat and began to be soaked with the rain.

"I loathe you, and I won't stand to be with you another moment!"

As she turned, Draco vacillated between hatred, rage and despair. The squeeze on his heart proved to be much, too much, for him to handle. And finally, crushed by the icy grip of panic, it exploded: with pain, with desperation, with loathing, with love. With so much emotion that Draco nearly fell to weeping.

Except he couldn't. Not now, and not ever.

His voice, as he heard it, was a queer sound.

"Go ahead and run, Mudblood! See how far you get without me! Marcus is probably waiting! Fenrir, too! That's all you're good for now, anyway, so I say let them have you!"

Hermione's mouth fell open, and she wondered if it was possible to feel more hurt than she did right then. It wasn't just a sting, she knew. It was a bloody massacre.

Draco's words had shattered her already broken heart.

He couldn't believe the things that had fallen from his lips, words spurred on by his self-loathing and white-hot rage. He was terrified of losing her, and yet, could only watch helplessly as he destroyed the fragile relationship that they had forged.

Hermione managed to gather her wits, even if it was only for a moment. Her curls were a heavy, wet curtain around an overheated face. She felt feverish, her body hot as the air made her shiver violently. Her tears mingled with icy downpour that fell from the sky.

He was right, she couldn't do anywhere without him. Not anymore, and not if she valued her life.

I don't. But, I value Lily's. And I love her like she was mine. I have to make sure she's all right, and I can't rely on anyone but myself. I was a fool to believe Draco Malfoy would ever help me. I was a silly, stupid girl to trust him.

She had allowed her need for comfort and some sense of hope to clout the reality, and now, she realized how foolhardy she had been. To trust a Death Eater! To trust anyone in the Ministry!

Merlin's Beard, I was an idiot.

Hermione took a resigned breath, and looked up, her face and hair dripping with the icy rain. She blinked, for just as her bitter tears, the rain blurred her vision.

"I want to go to the alienage."

The water dripped from her eyelashes, her nose, into her mouth and she swallowed the raindrops.

"And tomorrow, I'm going to see Pansy. I'm going to tell her what happened, and then I'm going to take Lily's place."

Draco could have blown off her determined words, but he knew them to be dead serious. She would do this thing, he knew.

"Hermione-"

Staring him straight in the eyes, the woman shook her head.

"No, you don't get to call me by my name."

The words were spoken from behind clenched teeth, trembling and uncertain.

"You have to listen to me."

"I don't have to do anything."

She stopped him when he tried to cross the divide between them, and her voice was raspy when she continued.

"This shouldn't have happened. None of this should have happened. I should be dead now, and I'm not. Lily should have never been put into this situation, and she was. I'm going to make things right, Malfoy, because you wouldn't!"

She stared helplessly at him, a woman who looked in complete ruins. Once more, Draco felt as if he were being crushed by the weight of his frustration, and the reality of his feelings. In some ways, it was liberating to understand his motivations, and in other ways, he felt damned.

"Granger, you're a bloody fool! This thing between us is all that makes sense now, don't you see? Do you really think I wanted this? To feel like this about you and to do the things I've done? Open your eyes for once! All the things I've done since you – don't you think that I wouldn't have done them if I hadn't cared?"

Hermione was silent, staring at him, offering no reply. He took a step forward, hoping against hope that she would see reason.

"No, none of this should have happened, but it very well sodding DID! You can't go back and change it now, can you? None of it!"

Draco felt used, though he didn't understand why. As he stared, Hermione began cry in earnest, the sound choked, her body shaking with each sob.

"I wish I were dead! I wish I had died that night with Ron! Ginny told me, they all warned me not to trust a Death Eater, and I did! I trusted you! I wanted to feel some comfort, to have some hope, to see a light in all the darkness. And I was a fool!"

Draco watched as she crumpled to the curb, soaked to the bone, her clothing sticking to her small, thin body. She was curled up into a ball, sobbing into her hands, and he could only think of wrapping his arms around her to try and make her pain go away. Even though he likened her to a scared, drowned sewer rat, still she had the power to make his heart dance strangely inside him.

Was this what it had come down to? Would he be a slave to the utterly overwhelming need to protect her and be with her? Did nothing else matter anymore? What of his duty to the Ministry, what of his life – the life he had known up until that night she had reentered his life?

But then again, Draco knew his life had been nothing but darkness until Hermione had shed her light. And he needed her.

"Granger," he moaned, afraid to step forward, yet terrified to stand still.

Hermione prayed that he leave, even though she knew he would not. She prayed for death, hoping it came swiftly, without pain. She longed for Ron's arms, the arms of a friend. And most of all, she prayed that everything from the night the flat had been raided was a horrible, terrible nightmare. Perhaps, she was already dead; perhaps she had died when the Death Eaters had come that night. Then, everything that had followed – the torments of the alienage, Malfoy's willingness to help her, the nights in his arms, would never have happened.

And that's what would make sense. Not these…these impossibilities, and the pain, and my bloody feelings…

But she knew it was not a nightmare when she felt the touch of his arms and the heat of his body envelop her. He was too close, and it was all too real. Amidst the icy rain, he felt hot. His fingers offered the softest of touches, and he didn't seem to care that she was completely soaked.

"Hermione…"

Somehow, she had no more strength to fight against him, to even utter a word of distain, of argument. She could only tremble as he whispered her name, and Hermione knew that it wasn't from the cold. The slate depths of his eyes captured her when she looked up, and the passion and sincerity that lay within those eyes was galvanizing; her breathing grew shallow, her heartbeat began to race, and each terrifying emotion she was feeling seemed heightened. He rendered her completely under his spell, and Hermione's head swam.

Draco found his own heart galloped within his chest, as he lowered his lips to the thick, wet curls of her hair, pressing a heated kiss to the top of her head. She smelled of the air, of rain and of sweetness. He inched closer to her on the cold, wet pavement, pulling her tight against his body, feeling the way she trembled against him. He only wanted to be as close to her as humanly possible, and he knew even in that moment, he'd want her closer still.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I said. For all the things I did, and for everything I didn't do. I'm so bloody sorry."

It was a strangled, guttural whisper, and he pressed a kiss to her temple.

Hermione barely heard his voice over the sound of the falling rain, but she certainly felt the way his fingers danced along her skin, wiping away the rain, building a gentle heat within her to dispel the grip of fear that she was in. She wanted to believe him; she felt compelled by the solemn way with which he gazed on her, a mixture of hope and plaintiveness written in the gray depths of his eyes.

Draco buried his face against the wetness of her hair.

"Please, you have to believe me. I wanted to hold on to you; I wanted to hold onto the best part of my life, even though it makes no sense. I wasn't thinking then, I swear. I was only acting, and none of it had made sense. Some of if still makes no bloody sense. But I do know that I didn't do it to hurt you!"

He could only hope that she would believe him and that she wouldn't try to escape him again. He felt her shift and sigh, pressing in against him, and by the sweet, beautiful Gods, he loved her –

Oh, sweet, fucking Merlin – Hermione I love you-

"I love you."

The breathless utterance, those three words spoken in the heat of his own emotions offered him a sweet release. Draco buried his face against her cheek, kissing her tenderly, searching for the warmth of her neck, and resting there once he found it.

Hermione's aching heart stopped beating for a second before it suddenly started up once more, unevenly, each beat echoing in her ears, her fingers, her toes, her belly.

"D-don't say things you don't mean."

She stuttered the words; spoke them weakly, trying to pull away from the warmth of his embrace. She hated herself for reacting this way, for wanting him to love her even though she understood the impossibility of such a thing. Fresh tears pooled in Hermione's eyes and she blinked, feeling them burning down her face.

He spoke those damning but captivating words again.

"Gods, I adore you."

Hermione struggled against him.

"No, no you don't!"

The rain fell harder, and she felt both frozen and feverish.

"If you did, you wouldn't have lied. You would have given me a choice, because you know how I feel about Lily. Please, let me go. Just let me go!"

Finally, he did, the expression on his face stricken.

"I wouldn't lie to you about this," he whispered, pushing down the urge to reach for her even though he wanted nothing more than the touch of her hand.

"I'm mad about you, Hermione."

A whisper this time, and the words were just as sweet the third time around, causing Hermione's weeping to increase. Struggling, she finally managed to get to her feet, and then she stumbled away from him down the street, not sure where she was going, or if she would even get anywhere before she got caught. But she feared hearing those words again, for they awakened every one of her senses.

I can't be here. I can't.

She waited, with apprehension, to hear that same derision in his voice, the mocking comments about her blood status and the hatred that had touched his words before. But none of that ever came.

"I'd turn on everything I know!"

"Leave me alone!"

"My whole life, everything, I swear."

"Piss off, Malfoy!"

"I've never felt like this before!"

Hermione struggled with her raging emotions, wanting to murder him just as much as she wanted to throw herself into the solace that she knew waited in his arms and beg him to kiss her senseless. Her plea, when it came, was weak.

"Please, don't do this."

"I know we can find a way to help Lily. Together, Hermione. Just don't turn away from me now."

She stopped, her face tense.

"There's no time for that. There is a way to help Lily, and I'm going to do it. Now. If you truly love me, you'll understand."

The challenge was set before him, and Draco ground his teeth together to keep from saying something he knew he'd be sorry about later. He did love her! And now she was asking him to sit back and watch as she sacrificed herself to that cow? It made no bloody sense!

"I do love you," he whispered, his face broken.

Hermione remained stubborn, her brown eyes flashing with warning.

"Then, don't move. And take me back to the alienage."

Once more, Draco felt impossibly torn, as if he was being split down the middle. It was the worst feeling in the world. But, he didn't move, instead nodding to her.

"Please, do you know what she'll do to you?" he reminded in a desperate attempt to get the stubborn witch to change her mind.

Hermione jaw twitched.

"Oh, you poor sod, pretending to be worried for me."

Her words were ones of derision.

"Damn it, Granger! Does this amuse you? Watching me wallow like this?"

His face was twisted into a scowl.

"I've just admitted four fucking times that I'm in love with you! And still you're on me like you don't believe me!"

"I don't!"

She whirled away from him and splashed heedlessly through a rather large puddle, heading towards the alleyway from which they always apparated back to the alienage. Hermione's heart was racing inside her chest, the feeling enough to exhilarate her, even as it filled her with a leaden hopelessness. So what if he loved her?

Love only brought Lavender to the alienage. She lost her baby and she lost Blaise. Sod it all!

Once the alley, Hermione turned back to see Draco's shadowed form blocking the light of the streetlamp behind him.

"Now."

Though her demand was a whisper, it was no less commanding, and wordlessly, Draco retrieved the tiny, gold watch he had turned into a portkey, staring at it listlessly.

I'm going to lose her, aren't I? Merlin knows what Pansy's going to do once she's got her alone. Oh, fuck! Fuckety, fuck, fuck!

"Do it," she hissed.

Draco hesitated, swallowing hard.

"No."

"Malfoy!"

"I won't! I won't see you at the mercy of that monster! I didn't risk my arse over and over for that!"

Hermione swallowed back venom, the blood rushing fast within her, second only to the rushing of her heart.

"You won't tell me what to do! If you had told me the truth, this wouldn't be happening!"

"You're fucking mental!"

"And you're a selfish, cowardly bastard!"

In a move that started Draco, Hermione reached down and attempted to snatch the watch from him, crying out with frustration when he caught her wrist and yanked her back against his body.

"Don't you dare," he hissed against her ear, holding her stiffly against his body. Hermione let out a strangled sound as she fought against him, though she was no match to him.

"Let me go!"

"Will you listen to me?"

"No!"

"Then we're at an impasse."

Draco remained calm, a stark contrast to the raging Hermione, who still fought against her determined captor.

"I hate you!"

"I don't think you do."

"Don't you presume to tell me what I do and do not feel!"

Their intense argument echoed along the dark, wet walls of the alley, and when they both stopped, the echoes died, leaving behind only the rush of the rain. For a moment, he remained unyielding against her, feeling the rapid rise and fall of her chest beneath his upper arm. Then, he relaxed, feeling her move with him, falling limp. He caught her.

"Please," she whispered, her voice strained with new tears.

"I won't do what Zabini did," he whispered against her ear, making Hermione shiver. "I won't abandon you, Hermione. We could leave London. Bloody hell, we could leave England, couldn't we? It wouldn't be easy, what with the Ministry, but how far can they really chase us?"

His words sparked hope in her heart, which was so often black with despair. But at the same time those same words were so obviously tainted with his naiveté. He didn't know what it was like to be on the run for weeks, months, even years. To be terrified that each morning might be his last. To live in constant fear.

"You don't know what you're talking about," she whimpered.

"Just give me time!"

"I can't. Even if I wanted to, I can't. Lily means more to me than anything. I have to make sure she's safe."

Draco looked devastated, shaking his head vehemently.

"You can't do this!"

"It's worth it to me, to know that I'm protecting Lily."

There was no changing her mind, Draco realized. He knew it when he saw that light shining in the depths of her brown eyes, the same light that had given him hope so many times over. Her words from that hot summer afternoon washed over Draco.

They're just children. Innocent children…

She had always been their savior, even when he hadn't wanted to believe it. He had mocked her, allowed himself to believe she was deluded, when in reality she was simply determined.

It was strange, Draco realized, to feel the heat rushing to the back of his eyes, making him blink furiously against the onslaught of hot, bitter tears. He wanted to weep over the unfairness of it all. He had only known joy once in his life, had only loved for such a short time before life had snatched it all away. He had thought he'd never feel affection again, until…

Well, anyway, Hermione Granger had been too good for him, in the end.

He would be alone once more.

"Is it what you really want?"

Startled, Hermione gazed up into his pale face, darkened with worry and resignation now. The fight had gone from him, and he remained emotionless as his grip on her loosened and she was finally standing before him, free of his vise-like grip.

What she wanted, Hermione knew, was so much different than what she knew she had to do.

"Yes, it's what I want."

There was no use telling Draco that, however.

Nodding stiffly, he lowered the golden watch onto the ground, and then reached for her hand, and Hermione felt the now familiar sensation of being tugged violently by her bellybutton and being sucked into a maelstrom of nothingness for a split second. When she was on sure footing once more, she could see the flickering lights of the alienage in the distance.

Her home and her prison.

The rains had let up, the sky patchy in places with heavy, black clouds, and radiant with tiny, glittering stars that played a cosmic game of hide and go seek behind the rain clouds. Whispering, Draco muttered something under his breath and Hermione felt a gust of heat for a moment and then found herself dry.

She turned towards him.

"You told me once that if it ever came down to choosing between me and the Ministry, you'd choose the Ministry."

Draco gasped and swallowed, a strange guttural sound escaping him.

"Everything's so different now," he croaked. "When I said that, I hadn't imagined-"

She cut him off, ignoring his quiet plea.

"When you told me that, I remember thinking that if it ever came down to you or someone I loved, I'd choose that other someone. It's no different than what you told me."

Her eyes were solemn as the gazed into his.

"I love Lily. I might not know you completely, Draco, but I do know you'd do the same if it was your child."

So many protestations bubbled to his lips, but somehow, none of them seemed at all appropriate. Not when the woman before him stood so certain of her next steps, of what she was going to do. Not when she had told him he wasn't her choice.

Swallowing, Draco nodded.

"I would."

He bit the inside of his lip, drawing blood, as if the sharp pain would ever be enough to make him stop feeling the ache in his heart.

"Thank you for everything you've done for me."

Draco dropped his head, unable to look at her, shamed because of all the things she had been put through. Perhaps she would never blame him, but still, he knew he had stood by, letting them happen. Her thanks seemed tainted somehow, and he felt undeserving.

"I didn't do anything."

It was painfully true.

They were standing on the curved part of the road that led to the buildings making up the alienage, the buildings looming in front of them, the faint outlines of the Dementors floating in the night sky.

"You know that's not true. You protected me."

"Not anymore."

"No, but this is what I have to do."

"You don't."

Draco had battled with his tears; they then claimed their victory. Her name was a thick, choked word on his lips.

"Hermione…"

She marveled at the beauty of that one word, the way her name sounded coming from him. And she was riveted by the sincerity in his eyes and the glittering tears that formed there. Hermione allowed herself one last moment of bliss, and leaned up to take his mouth with hers, wondering if there would be something different in this kiss, in the way he pressed his lips so sweetly against hers, stopping time, making her head spin and her senses careen out of control.

She was breathless when he pulled away, his fingers entwined in the soft, warm curls that framed her face. Hermione brushed a stray tear from his cheek.

"I have to go."

It was all she could manage, and it caused him to grimace, as if in pain.

"Hermione," he whispered again. "Don't you love me?"

She hadn't been aware that it was possible for the pain of a broken heart to feel so physical. But at the whispered plea, she could hardly breathe.

"I can't do this."

She let him go, just as he spoke again.

"Don't go."

She turned, moving away from him, willing herself to be swallowed up by the long and thick shadows of the late night. Thankfully, he did not follow, for when she turned, she saw him standing there – a tall, black shadow, like a sentinel.

Draco saw she had stopped. He felt sick, trying to speak in spite of the aching.

"I love you, Hermione."

She never turned around again, disappearing down the path towards her fate. Draco wondered if she had even heard him; he wondered if, in any other life, it would have made a difference.