Death: Well, after the last chapter, I figured this one should be a little easier to take
Chapter Six If I Look Back, I Am Lost
=3=
For a few days no one saw Levi. Everyone had heard what happened, and despite the heaviness in the air, they all continued with their chores. A few even covered the former assassin's schedule, rotating between Eren, Petra and Mikasa. Since the three took over, they also kept everyone else in line. They even made sure to leave a plate for Levi in front of his door at breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Despite the food not being touched, they held hope. And one morning after a week of no responses, no sign of the food being eaten, Petra was checking on the plate she had left earlier before serving breakfast to everyone else downstairs. She had just finished helping with the dishes and cleaning the tables, and she had expected to find once again the food untouched. Then as she reached the top of the stairs, to her delight and surprise, the plate was empty.
She picked it up, and gently knocked. Receiving no answer, her heart fell a little. She took a deep breath and spoke as happily as she could.
"Levi? I'm glad you're eating again! I just wanted to say, whenever you're ready, come downstairs. We're all here to support you. We all miss you, and Stella has been depressed. I hope it'll cheer you up that we haven't slacked off cleaning, either."
Now I'm just rambling.
"Anyway, um, just come downstairs when you're ready! I hope you enjoyed the food, I made it myself! I'll talk to you later, it's my turn to sweep."
And with that Petra walked back downstairs with the empty plate. Upon seeing the grin on her face, the others who had just finished with the kitchen stared. Mikasa was the first to notice the empty plate.
"He finally ate?"
"Yeah! He didn't respond when I knocked, but I'm so glad he's eating again! I was starting to get worried."
"You know, for someone who kills people for a living, he takes death hard." Jean commented, earning a glare from everyone in the room.
"What!?"
"How inconsiderate of you!" Petra stomped her way to the sink and angrily began cleaning the plate she had just received.
"As far as Erwin figured out, he hated his job. He didn't have a choice when his uncle took him in. And it so happens he killed his former pupil on the anniversary death of his other pupil. He may have enjoyed killing, but that doesn't mean he liked his job." Mikasa explained plain and simple.
"What, defending your possible long distance cousin now that you know he could be family?" Jean shot back, irritated.
"That has nothing to do with explaining to someone as dense as you. All I'm saying is, even if you were forced to do something, there's a part of you that finds something in it to enjoy."
"And how would you know this, Mikasa? You sound like you've experienced this." Connie piped up.
"I've killed before. If I hadn't, Eren and I wouldn't even be here. I didn't want to kill, but a small part of me enjoyed it." What Mikasa also left out was the fact she saw the world as kill or be killed, for that was how nature worked.
Unknown to them, as the others reacted, Levi stood on the stairs. He had been silent when he crept his way down, realizing that Petra made a good point. He had overheard most of the conversation, and was surprised to hear Mikasa speak like that about him.
So she did experience an event that changed her life. It's confirmation enough for me.
With that in mind, Levi silently made his way up the stairs. He decided it was time to see Erwin, for he had yet to write down the files he had memorized. He knocked on the office and then let himself in without waiting for an answer. He walked in to see the man going over plans of the next mission outside the wall.
"Hm? Oh, Levi! I was wondering when you would come out of your shell. Just in time, I was going to tell you that you're provided your own team. You're now a corporal. Captain of the Special Forces unit. Your job is to protect Eren at all costs while beyond the wall."
Not sure how to respond, Levi casually sat down on the chair across from the commander. He took a glance around the office.
"…I see you kept this clean."
"Well, I figured might as well keep up with it. So, how are you feeling? Because I wasn't sure if you were mentally stable enough for the next mission outside."
"I'm ready. But, are you sure about putting me in a position so fast? I only just become part of this the same time as the recruits."
"I know, but on paper, the officials think you've been with us for five years. So, I had to make an exception and keep up that act. Your teammates will be the same as the group that found you a week ago, minus me and Mike. I hope you don't mind, but they requested to be under you when they found out you were to be captain."
"I don't mind. I trust them. After seeing me at my worst, they didn't make fun of me. And after an experience like that, it brought us closer I think. And I like Petra's cooking." Levi recalled the scrambled eggs and hash browns that he ate earlier. She had salted and peppered them perfectly for him.
"Good to see you getting along with other people, finally. I was worried with your foul mouth and bluntness, people would stay away from you. Eren doesn't seem to mind you, either. Actually, I think he looks up to you."
"That's a first. I'm not the easiest person to admire." Levi commented, feeling unnerved.
"I admire you."
Levi caught himself before his body could jerk back in surprise. His heart fluttered, and he could feel a faint blush creep on his cheeks. He blinked at the commander, caught off guard for the first time.
"I admire you because despite all the pain you've experienced, you continue to live. You're brave, just like the rest of us that have been taking out titans for years. But what makes you different from the rest of us, is the fact you shove through like a storm. You're the storm everyone needs to see and admire. Yes, you stumble every once in a while, but you pick up again." Erwin explained further.
Levi sat there, staring. He didn't know how to respond, and he swore his heart was loud in his ears.
So I'm a storm in his eyes. But am I the kind that lifts everyone up, or do I destroy them when they get too close?
"How do you know I'm not the kind of storm that harms them?"
"Because I can sense you trust us fully now. You consider yourself one of us. I see it the way you interact with them. Because of you, this place is working out just fine despite how must of us didn't want to move here. We're working like a family again."
"You mean like a hive. And you're the queen bee."
At the comparison Erwin laughed. "I guess that does make me the queen bee. A lonely one, though."
"You don't have anyone to fall back on?" Levi was now genuinely curious.
"No. A long time ago I fell in love, back when I was in training. But, I chose titans. Considering the life I was going into, I let her go. I didn't want to give her the pain of being a widow should I die in field. She now has a husband and three kids." Erwin may have been looking at him, but he wasn't seeing him.
There was a far off look in his eyes. For some reason, that disturbed Levi to no end. He suddenly stood up, almost knocking the chair he had been sitting on, and Erwin blinked from the sudden movement.
"Let me be someone you fall back on. As a friend. You're the one who made the promise, this is the least I can do. And, I feel like I can never pay you back after you put your trust in me that first night. You have no idea how much that effected me. By that act alone, you restored my faith in humanity. And I confess, your act of kindness scared me. It still scares me, but I trust and respect you. So please, if you need an ear, you know where to find me."
Levi didn't know his face was red all over, but his eyes never strayed from the eye contact. He was serious with his offer, and he was afraid of Erwin not to take it. He wasn't sure how his heart would take the rejection. After a moment Erwin smiled the first genuine smile Levi ever saw.
"I'll be sure to remember that. When I need to talk to anyone, it will be you. And Levi, you don't have to repay me. I won't stop you, but I want you to know that even though you don't have to, I appreciate it." Erwin saw the blush deepen more if possible. Afraid he would get embarrassed and run away, he didn't comment on it.
He's so cute when he blushes. It's so rare to see any other emotion show through his mask.
"So, Levi, was there a reason for this sudden visit? Please tell me the others have seen you as well."
"No…you're the first. And, I came here to write down the four files I memorized for you." Levi didn't know why he left out the book he stole, a part of him felt as if it would be better that way. It was his family line.
"Oh, then here. I have plenty of paper. Let's see where's that other pen…" Erwin handed over a stack of blank paper, then began searching the drawers. When he found it he passed it over.
Levi set down to work. It was quick, for three of four files were just one page. He didn't see Erwin staring, curious to see someone left hand dominate, which is a rare sight these days. The former assassin was more focused on the task at hand. Despite how he memorized the papers a week ago, his memory was still clear.
When he finished, he handed them over. Erwin took a moment to admire the neat and perfect handwriting. He started to read through them carefully. He saw with each file why Levi chose these, for there were little information or no proof of family history. He could see three of them were part of the Survey Corp, and while that disturbed him greatly, the one that became part of the Military Police disturbed him more.
"Well, this narrows our search greatly. Keep it low, but keep a watch over these three. We can't do much with the one in the inner city, but perhaps after the run outside the wall. Right now, you have to remain low. No one has attacked or questioned us about Farlan, so it's best not to raise more awareness."
"I'll give it my best. I don't know how to get close to them, but I will keep an eye on them."
=3=
For the next week they were busy preparing for the expedition outside the wall. It was a bold move to go as far as they could towards Shiganshina. If possible, the objective was to reach the basement that could hold answers about the titans. What bothered Levi was how excited Hange was acting, and what also raised a red flag when her division was responsible for the carriages with cargo.
Levi didn't voice his concern, he felt it was better to keep it to himself. They were so busy he hadn't have time for the book he risked stealing. He did remove it from his saddle bag to under his pillow one night. He didn't want to risk it getting damaged while outside the wall. Plus it was extra weight on his mare that was unneeded.
He did try to keep an eye on the three recruits. It was difficult when two of them kept to themselves, but even so they remained part of the main group. It was as if they knew they were being watched, and since he had no relations to the recruits other than Eren and Mikasa, he couldn't get close.
He did however have more success with the third recruit. They happened to share the same schedule on their horses. What's more, her horse was right next to his. He learned she was great with horses, had been raised on a farm. So, even though he knew a great deal of taking care of horses, he went to her anyway for questions to start up a conversation.
"Hey, Krysta, do you know when a mare goes into heat? Someone once told me it was twice a year, but then someone else said it could be every other month."
"Oh, well for the most part it is twice a year. There's one in the spring, then one in the fall. Lucky for us, it's the start of the summer. So the mares won't be in heat for another few months. Why do you ask?"
"Well, I have noticed that most of these studs are vying for her attention, mainly Clyde, and for the most part Stella ignores them. I just wanted to keep an eye on whoever she pays attention to so I could prepare keeping her away." Although he hadn't been outside the wall yet, a part of him wouldn't have any other horse he could trust out there.
"She's so mature. And so pretty, too. How old is she, do you know? Mine is only three, and she won't stop flirting with the boys." Krysta smiled as she handed her filly a carrot.
"I think Hange said Stella is six. She was born in the middle of winter, I think." Levi had to ask the date later, but his mare might share a birthday with him. If so, then it was more of a reason to keep her away from the stallions when she was in heat. The mare would be out of service for a year, and it would be devastating for him.
"Wow, and she already acts like a mature lady. I think it's cute. It usually takes eight years and a couple of foals to be mature. Do you know if she had any foals yet?" The young girl was curious, maybe that was why Stella was so tough for her age.
"I don't think so. Hange said her previous owner made sure she was comfortable and happy during her five years of work, and took great care of avoiding the studs during heat cycles. I think her years of work is what matured her so fast." Levi stroked the mares neck, scratching her usual itch spot as she ate.
"Yeah, I can see that. She may have lost her friends over the years. And then her best friend and caretaker. I'm glad she has you, she seems to have cheered up now that you're spending time with her again. She was so sad when you were in your room for a week." Krysta looked at him, suddenly afraid. "I'm so sorry to bring that up, I didn't mean to."
"No, its fine. It was my fault I neglected her for so long. But believe it or not, she chose me. My first tour around and she reached out to me. Hange saw the interaction and suggested to Erwin I be her caretaker."
Krysta giggled. "That's so sweet! It's good the commander allowed that."
She's so sweet my teeth are rotting. It's as if she's trying too hard to keep up an act.
Out of the four he found, Krysta had no proof of family history. He didn't doubt she came from a farm, her ability with animals and farm work showed she did this sort of thing growing up. He could sense she was lonely, too. Levi grew up an outcast, despite his uncle training him and knowing the majority of the king's assassins. He knew outcasts when he saw them.
Its too early to tell if she's the one Erwin is searching for. But I can't disregard her, either.
For now, he will wait and learn more. Hopefully he would have more time after the mission. And maybe he would also have more time to read the book of his family history. It was irritating him that he had it, and yet he hadn't have the time to read one page yet. But, he was being patient. One thing that was beaten into him from his training as an assassin, was to be patient. It paid well in the end.
That night was the night before the mission outside the wall. The majority of them couldn't sleep. Levi busied himself with extra cleaning and serving cups of tea to settle their nerves. He even noticed the veterans were nervous. Although some didn't usually drink tea, they didn't turn down a cup he made for them. He normally wouldn't waste so much tea and keep most of it to himself, but he felt that these people needed it.
"How are you so calm? You've never gone outside the walls and see a Titan first hand." Armin was a nervous wreck.
"So? You've never gone outside yourself. You have one up on me, though. Even the few times I stood on top of a wall, I didn't see one Titan. And I missed out on Eren's transform when I was knocked out."
"So how are you calm about this?" The short blond persisted.
"I'm an assassin. The feeling is mutual. The only reason I'm not in bed is because titans are new targets for me. And drink some tea, it helps settle the nerves and calm the mind."
"You sound like an old man." Armin joked.
"I'm in my thirties, kid."
At that everyone within earshot looked at him. And all of the whispered conversations had stopped.
"What? Why are you shits staring at me for?" Levi squirmed, he didn't like the awkward attention.
"You're in your thirties!?" A good few people synced at the same time.
"Oi. Don't get too loud." Levi deadpanned.
"Holy shit! I thought you were in your fucking early twenties or something!" Jean exclaimed.
Why did I open my big mouth?
Levi regretted letting that bit of information slip through. Now he was going to hear it from everyone. Before anyone would crowd around him he drank down his newly made tea down like a shot, not caring for the scalding liquid burning his throat. He slammed his cup down and got up to leave.
"You're going to bed already?" Eren looked at him with those puppy eyes.
"I'm going for a walk. Anyone who follows gets a broken arm." Levi made his way outside.
When the door closed, he leaned back against it. He took a moment to recollect his thoughts. He breathed in deeply, his body shaking. Erwin was right. He was becoming part of them. He never knew what a family was like, he thought that having an uncle grudgingly taking him in was what a family was. He was quickly learning what a real family was, and it was more than just blood.
This was overwhelming. And he didn't know what to do. Never in a million years would he tell anyone his age. Kenny called him lucky not having to worry about looking his age. He used his deceptive young face in his advantage to get close to targets. When he was in his early teens, he was so small he pretended to be a young kid to approach his targets.
Here at the Survey Corp, they all assumed he was young. Even Erwin was fooled, despite his ability to read people so easily. Perhaps the mask Levi had built over the years had been for naught. With that in mind he began walking. He didn't have a destination, but his feet brought him to the stables. He found himself outside Stella's stall.
"Hey, girl. Forgive me, but I don't have a carrot."
She made it a point to bring one next time when she reached over and gently nipped his hair.
"Oi. That tickles. Must you do this every time?"
He stayed in front of her stall. He didn't know how long he was there, as he lost track as he poured his thoughts out loud for her to listen. He always found horses were always good listeners. Stella was no different. He turned when he heard footsteps heading their way. He blinked at the sight of Erwin.
"I came downstairs to tell everyone to go to bed. Then they tell me you haven't returned from your walk. They told me what happened, and I guess they speculated you're sensitive about your age."
"It's not that. Well, yes, I am sometimes. It's more about my height."
"Ah, I had a feeling that was it. So, you nervous about tomorrow?" Erwin gazed up at the stars.
"Yes. Titans are a whole different league of their own. And I feel that I am at a disadvantage compared to the recruits. All of them were there at Trost. And at that time period I was planning…"
I was planning your death.
"I know. But I have a strong feeling you'll do fine. You're a natural with the gear, and you have good instincts. You may not work well in groups, but you trust your squad. It's another reason why I named you captain, you wouldn't have followed anyone's orders otherwise."
Wow, he put a lot of thought into this.
Levi wasn't sure if he should be flattered, or worried the man could read him so easily.
"I guess. It's just that…I can't shake off this bad feeling I have. I can't find my inner peace when I know that there will be a lot of deaths come tomorrow. I may have killed, but I am absolutely against useless sacrifices. It's a waste of lives, and there's no point in it."
He could feel those eyes staring at him. He knew this was the wrong thing to say before a mission, but he had to make it clear to Erwin now. Levi was trying to avoid a future argument should his instinct be right on the dot. He was terrified their trust will be shaken, and Erwin wouldn't confide in him after they came back. If they came back.
My instincts are rarely wrong. But is this fear of going outside? Or facing a Titan for the first time?
=3=
When they raced out the gate, Levi felt his fear melt away. He stared up at the sky with awe and wonder. Memories of Isabel and Farlan flooded through him. How they loved the illusion of flying with the gear, and their curiosity about the world beyond the walls. Choked on the sudden flood of memories, he bit them back and focused on the task at hand. He was captain now.
The focus is to protect Eren at all costs. I understand Erwin's view to protect him, but at all costs…
Levi didn't feel like dying today. And he planned to keep it that way. Hopefully his squad would leave unscathed, too. But it was too early to wish that. He tightened his grip on the reins, never looking back. He knew he was in front, while the rest of the squad surrounded Eren in a close circle.
"Captain! They went through!" Eren pointed out Hange's squad entered the only path through the only pathway through forest.
Then the outside groups swerved to go around. His squad noticed that with confusion.
Just before they entered, a messenger came close. The right flank was devastated by an unknown new class. A female Titan was what few survivors reported. Levi sent one of his own to pass on the message, and the messenger went back to his squad.
When his team was reunited again, they were all nervous.
"What do we do, captain?"
Erwin didn't tell them the plan? Am I one of the few that figured out what's going on?
"We go through."
And so they went through, and his instincts screamed at him. Even as a part of him wanted to get out of the forest, he continued. He dared not look back. It was not time to show them his fear. He was their captain. They were already terrified as it was. It was up to him to show them to continue on.
Eren lost his shit when the Female Titan barreled through the trees, almost on top of them. He caught sight of blond hair and blue eyes intent to kill. That was all he needed to know. She was like Eren. The only difference was that she saw the Survey Corp as an enemy.
By now, the rest of the team but Eren caught onto Erwin's plan. They were urging Eren to trust in them. To have faith in him. Eren was too stubborn to see through their point. His emotions were getting the better of him to see what the commander had set up.
"Eren, the difference between your judgement and ours is something that arises from the gap in our experience. But not relying on something like that is just fine. Choose. Whether you should believe in yourself, or believe in the Survey Corp, myself included. I myself don't know…I never have. Whether I believed in my own abilities, or whether I believed in the decisions of my trusted comrades, assassins and Survey Corp alike. In the end no one ever knew what the outcome would be. So I guess…you have to do your best to make a decision that you won't regret."
Levi had enough of the panic Eren was spreading through the squad. Even he started to panic, which was not good for the squad's chances of getting through this alive. He dared not look back. Even as soldiers died behind them by the hands of the oncoming Titan, he dared not look back. Even as panic spread through his squad, he dared not look back.
If I look back, I am lost.
After a moment's hesitation Eren lowered his hand. What Levi had said were the words he needed to hear.
"I will keep going!" Eren yelled at the top of his lungs.
Levi smirked, for he had stalled the boy. He caught sight of the new mechanics Hange had been working on. He flashed Erwin a look as they passed, and as the Female Titan passed, they had her caught.
"Make your way back to the main group without me. I leave my horse in your care. Make sure nothing happens to her, or suffer the consequences." With that Levi launched into the trees to stand next to the commander.
"You did that on purpose." Levi commented, knowing full well that Erwin would understand he meant hiding his true intentions in this mission.
"I have no idea what you're talking about." Erwin flashed a goofy smile.
"Bullshit." He breathed out, looking down at the captured Titan. "But it was a good plan. Eren almost lost his shit a while back."
"Good to see he didn't. I take it you're the one responsible?"
"You could say that."
When his squad left after gathering their bearings, Levi watched them go. His chest tightened. The bad feeling he had the night before swept through full swing. He ignored it when Erwin ordered it was time to cut her out. He timed it with Mike, and together they swung down.
Their blades broke, her hands covered in crystal armor. Now pissed, Levi carefully made his way on top of her head. He felt a dark part of him rise, the part of him he kept away and hide from everyone else. His knees shook as he lost himself.
"Oh right…I wanted to ask you something. Can we cut off your hands and legs? They'll grow back right? And I am talking about your limbs, not the Titan's. For every death you caused, I will ensure you remember each and every one of them. How about scars?"
He felt the muscles underneath him tense.
"Don't worry, I won't let the scars kill you. We need you alive after all. But in the end, you will wish you could join the very people you killed in blissful, sweet death..."
She screamed with all her might.
Levi covered his ears, he could feel the vibrations of her scream resonate through the air, echoing through the entire forest. Within a short amount of time titans swarmed them. Levi scrambled back into the trees, barely avoiding being eaten. He tried cutting them down, but there were too many as they swarmed and began eating the Female Titan.
As they moved on and the devoured body dissipated, Levi overwhelmed. They were so close, they had her. And then she went and did that. It was hard to tell if the human body had escaped or not. There was too much damage.
"I should get back to my squad."
"Wait, Levi."
He looked up at Erwin, confused.
"Refill your gas and replace your blades before you go."
"But I have enough to get by. They're not far. Unless you think…"
She's still alive. And her target is Eren.
"I will put my faith in you, Erwin." Levi found he couldn't refuse those eyes. He made his way down to refill and exchanged blades.
As he followed the direction they took, it wasn't long before he heard the lightning strike the forest. It was the sign Hange had warned him about. That for each time a chemical Titan transformed, there was lightning.
The sound came from a different direction.
He changed his focus to follow where the sound had come from. It was easy to guess it was the Female Titan. He had also been warned that Eren had the habit of roaring before he fought as a Titan.
Before too long he came across the damage one by one. His heart pounded, unable to stop and grieve for them. And yet, he paused when he came upon Petra. He stared, blinking slowly. Her young, sweet face, caught in a panic and brief hint of pain before passing.
There would be no more smiles. No more perfect food just the way he liked it. No more tea made for him in the morning. No more days she would constantly worry over him. Always there for him even though he needed space. And as he stared, his heart breaking, he saw flashes of Isabel's face.
Once again, I have to continue living while others die around me.
He snapped out of it when he heard a roar. The voice was considerably deeper than the Female's scream. As the guilt washed over him he continued onward. His movements felt heavy as he hurried after the sound of fighting. Soon as the fight echoed the forest it stopped, followed by eerie silence.
He sped up. They had lost the Female Titan. They could not afford to lose Eren. Not at the shaky critical stage of keeping him alive and remain part of the Survey Corp. He could hear the footsteps of a Titan running. Her pace was a lot slower than before.
Good. She's tiring. Now if only there was one other person nearby to distract her.
He caught sight of a familiar form trying to cut her down. But the Female Titan was too fast. Despite the lower amount of energy, she was pacing herself to have spurts of speed when she needed it.
"Mikasa." He called out, and he caught up to her. Her face was distraught and livid.
"She has Eren in her mouth!" Mikasa informed him.
"I see. So we have to take the chance whether he's still alive or not."
"What are you saying!?" She looked at him, her eyes dark.
"I mean, it's time to start our mission on rescuing Eren. Our objective is not to kill her. We can plan for that later. Right now we have to focus getting Eren back." Levi stared down at her, his eyes hard and cold.
"…What do you want me to do?"
"Distract her long enough for me. Let me be the one to cut her up. Allow me to cut him out of her filthy mouth."
"But…!"
"Do you trust me, Mikasa? I can get him out. If she knows Eren, then she knows you. But she doesn't know me." Levi lowered his voice to a growl, eyes glaring into her own dark pair.
She might be an Ackerman, but she got her stubbornness and irrational action from Eren.
Her gaze wavered. And once again he saw what Erwin meant, and he was right. Levi was the storm they needed to admire and follow. She looked away to glare at the Female Titan and nodded.
"I will do my best!"
With that Mikasa went in, aiming for the legs. Seeing her, the Female Titan tried to stomp her. Taking his chance, Levi attacked. He twirled circles, cutting from the ankles up. As he went up he replaced the now dull blades with fresh new ones, and began circling and rolling on her arm and up to the shoulder. His teeth grit as he pulled the blades up and stabbed into her eyes so deep the blades were buried in them.
After the steaming hot blood stopped spraying he retracted, leaving the blades in the eye sockets. He watched with pleasure as the Female Titan leaned back against a tree, both arms covering her vulnerable spot on the neck.
Oh we can't have that, now. I said I will be cutting off your hands and legs. Let me demonstrate.
He went in with another pair of blades with all of his speed, slicing up her thighs up the chest and both arms. He about near smiled wickedly when her arms slumped to her sides. Then he caught sight of Mikasa going in for the kill.
"No! Mikasa!" Levi saw an arm raise, though the arm couldn't bend right, that wrist was going to squish her.
Without thinking he pushed her back against a tree, and then proceeded to use his leg to protect them.
Crack!
Wincing, he quickly pulled them out before that arm could have another go. He resisted the urge to slap her for her stupidity.
"But I could have ended her!"
"I told you now is not the time! She would have killed you! Ackerman or not, I'm not losing anyone else when I can intervene!" He must have finally gotten his point across when she backed off.
Acting quickly, as he saw that she was rapidly healing, Levi turned back and sliced her cheeks. With steam clearing there was Eren, unconscious and covered in Titan spit. He grabbed the boy with one arm and flew. They headed back towards the area Erwin wanted to reunite.
"Eren!" Mikasa drew up close.
"He's alive. I can feel him breathe." Levi assured her, trying not to be effected by how filthy the slime was.
When they cleared the tree line, they saw the rest of the Survey Corp some short distance away. They had recovered a lot of bodies. At the base of the tree line he caught sight of his mare and the rest of his squad's mounts. Quickly he lowered himself down to them, strapping Eren on a random horse.
"Choose whatever horse you need. Help me make sure he doesn't fall."
"What about your squad?" Mikasa inquired.
"They're dead. Now, let's get going." Levi did his best not to allow his voice to crack telling the news, and despite his broken leg he used it to pull himself up onto the saddle. Mikasa got up on another horse, and together they urged the third horse to keep up. The remaining horses without a rider followed without hesitation.
Upon reuniting at the main group everyone circled around Eren. All of them felt relieved to see him alive and not in the hands of the enemy. Then sorrow swept over them when noticing Levi returned without his squad. The short captain informed Erwin the area where the bodies were. Despite the risk of running into the Female Titan again, Erwin sent a squad to retrieve the bodies.
When a number of bodies were recovered, and the sun was beginning to set, Erwin began preparation for their return. Levi limped his way over to where he saw Petra's body, and stood there. Erwin noted the limp, but kept it to himself. He wasn't the only one who noticed.
Mikasa had watched him, and seeing the limp, and him favoring the leg he used to protect them she felt a wave of guilt.
It's because of me he's injured. This might have been his first expedition, but his power and speed are unmatched.
Levi might be out of the next expedition as he recovered. It would be a devastating blow to the Survey Corp. She had witnessed first hand that they needed him. She was now understanding why Erwin wanted him.
Despite knowing full well he could reset his own leg, Levi didn't. He was too overwhelmed by grief and guilt. And when they had to dump the bodies to ward off titans, for the first time he looked back. He looked back to see Petra's head peeking through the wrapped blanket as her body was dumped for titan fodder.
It was the first and final time he looked back.
=3=
Death: I know, longest chapter so far. To be honest, I didn't know at what point to end it. And I wanted it a little longer because soon my only source of updating will be out of service. And it won't be back up until the third of next month. So please, enjoy the extra treat of long chappie.
And please forgive me for using a line from A Song of Ice and Fire: A Dance with Dragons. It was fitting, and it was something I noticed in the anime. For the entire time Annie was almost upon them, he never looked back. And yet he looked back to see Petra being discarded.
Powerful meaning there.
Anyway, please leave a review.