Chapter 4: "First Presidential Address"
"Cameras ready?" I asked.
"You're ready to go. Nod, and we'll start shooting."
"Good evening everyone. I didn't run for this job and never asked for it, but a bunch of you loons wrote in Alice of Wonderland and here I am. The goons who grabbed me went after the Alice at Disneyland in Orlando, Florida first, but she led them on a merry chase through the park, ran down a hidden escape under the Teacups ride, and vanished into a mirror. It seems the real Alice of Wonderland escaped, so you get me. An Alice in Wonderland fanfic writer. You may barf now."
"Since I don't want this job and only desire to go home, I have no fear of being impeached. I am free to be as stupid as I wanna be. So here is my first presidential act. Y'all may be wanting to sit down for this. You'll either be ecstatic or thinking of assassination. Rest assured there is no need to assassinate me. I am ready to quit and go home on a moment's notice. Anything to get the fuck out of this chair as no sane person would want this job. Here we go."
"All you potheads in jail are pardoned. If you are in jail for dealing marijuana, you are pardoned. If you are in jail for growing marijuana, you are pardoned. If you are in jail for using marijuana, you are pardoned. If you are in jail because you had a few stray plants growing on your property, you are pardoned. If you are in jail for anything related to marijuana, you are pardoned. All you potheads are pardoned. I will send legislation to Congress to remove marijuana from all drug enforcement laws so that it becomes just another plant. If Congress refuses, I will pardon everyone arrested for anything related to marijuana each and every day at five o'clock until Congress gives in. That includes Saturdays and Sundays. Have a nice day, Tea Party."
Then I let loose with a long, loud horse laugh.
End of Chapter 4