Chapter 10: "Groundhog Day"

I had just completed my one task for every day after my morning national security briefing: read and veto a Republican bill to dismantle Obamacare. So what else was there to do for the rest of the day? I was snoozing away on my antique French baroque sofa when Shaggy knocked on the door.

"Enter!" I shouted from the sofa. Shaggy marched in. Hadn't I been here before? Come to think of it, the entire last week had begun exactly the same way. This day was to be different.

"You have a foreign policy crisis to deal with. The Saudis just chopped the head off a Shiite cleric."

"Was he a terrorist?"

"No."

"Did he advocate terrorism?"

"No."

"Then what did he do?"

"He was a pain in the ass."

"That's it?"

"Yup."

"Damn, the entire Republican Party would get their heads chopped off over there."

Shaggy looked at me strangely, and then smiled. He said nothing.

"I know it's not politically correct to say this, but I am getting tired of Muslims. Can you get me Putin on the phone? I have a proposal for him. There's one course of action with Muslims that no one ever seems to have tried."

"What's that?"

"Leave them alone."

Shaggy then reminded me that it was the middle of the night in Russia, and perhaps I should wait until late evening to contact him. I agreed that was wise, and just before going to bed, Shaggy had Putin on the phone. No translator.

"You want be seen with me in public? After crazy news conference?"

"I have a proposal for you on dealing with all the problems in the Middle East."

"Speak."

"The one course of action that no one has tried in dealing with Muslims is to leave them alone. Withdraw all military forces and stop all military aid to Muslim countries. Let them sort out their differences on their own. If we send anything, let it be food – not weapons, not soldiers, not bombs, not drones, and certainly not money."

"Interesting. Does that include Israel? I would consider it if you showed that you are serious."

" Yes, that includes Israel. I've already ordered the closing of some U.S. military bases in the Middle East. I'm thinking about closing all of them. Even the ones in Iraq and Afghanistan."

"You have death wish. You want Russian passport?"

"What?"

"Just in case. We put you in same apartment building as Snowden."

"I need to pardon him."

"You do have death wish. I arrange Russian passport for you. Pick up at Russian Embassy. Don't refuse. You never know when you will need it. You might want to have escape plan ready. Don't use the JFK tunnels. Everybody knows about those."

"JFK tunnels?"

"The tunnels John F. Kennedy used to sneak Marilyn Monroe into the White House."

"Oh, those tunnels."

"We can meet for discussion in Ottawa, Canada. I have trip planned there.

"Send me details at my official email address. I'll meet you there."

"Madame President?"

"Yes."

"We really should stop meeting like this. People will say we're in love."

End of Chapter 10