Chapter 13: "America is a Big-Titty Woman"
So there they were. No president. No vice president. The Republicans were gleefully rubbing their paws together as they contemplated controlling all three branches of government. President Paul Ryan, former Speaker of the House. The Speaker is next in line after the vice president. Oh, how the Republicans loved the ring of "President Paul Ryan!" Oh, the places they would go! Repeal Obamacare. Snatch away expanded Medicaid. Privatize Social Security. Turn Medicare into a voucher system. Eliminate the Federal Minimum Wage. Oh happy day! Holidays in Hell were here again!
Turned out that appointing a new vice president was not as simple as just naming him. The nominee would have to be approved by simple majorities in both the House and Senate. Turns out everyone in Washington had a sense of humor. No one informed Congress of my new nominee for vice president until after they had impeached me. A black dude that every poor person in America loves? Oh, fuck! So there they were with their undies all down. Vote in the new black dude or...
They came. Holy fuckin' hell they came. Every dirt-poor bro and ho from the ghettos started pouring into Washington. Too poor for lodging, they sent up tents everywhere. Fuckin' and shittin' and pissin' everywhere. Congress did a little shittin' and pissin' themselves. Right in their undies. Pass the Depends! Look at all those black folk! Dirt-poor and pissed. Pissed off as hell. This time they had hopes of a real black president. Not some Trojan Horse Republican Lite sell-out Corporate whore pretendin' to be their best buddy for life. No more phonies. They wanted the real thing!
"We want Chris!" they chanted, over and over again. Signs everywhere. Even southern white crackers holdin' up signs "I'm Wid The Niger." Congress shat their panties. And swore in Christopher Julius Rock III as the new president. This new guy wouldn't be so easy to get rid of. Sending a bunch of Agent Smiths to dump him in Cuba like Miss Davis was out of the question. Especially considering how many of those angry black people in the streets were wandering around with enormous heavy pinking shears. No doubt about what those shears were for.
Nothing prepared the Republicans for the new president's inaugural address.
"Good evening, my fellow Americans! How the fuck I ended up here is unbelievable, but who would have guessed that we just had some old hippie flower girl from the 1970s as President for 47 days. She lasted 47 days. Damn! I didn't think she'd last that long! Best president black America has had since Franklin Roosevelt. How many of you all just got out of prison thanks to her pardons? Would have been a lot more if the southern states weren't challenging those pardons in federal court. You know which states. The states that refused to expand Medicaid. The states that refuse to do shit for their residents. Well, anyway, I'm amazed to be here."
"You all know America is a rich nation. Maybe not as rich as it was before the one-percenters moved all the manufacturing and computer programming abroad, but still a rich nation. America is a beautiful woman. America is a beautiful big-titty woman. Everybody loves a big-titty woman! Especially bankers. Them bankers been suckin' Miss America's titties dry since 2008. They left fuck-all for the rest of us. Well no more for the bankster class. I am yankin' away the titties! If you're a banker, no more titty for you! A big-titty woman can feed an entire village with her assets. Well now Miss American is goin' to start takin' care of the rest of us! Titty for everybody! Not just the one-percenters!"
The Parliamentarian ran out of Depends diapers in Congress.
End of Chapter 13