Chapter 15: "Be Sure to Wear Some Flowers in Your Hair"

Cheshire and I arrived in a dimly-lit nearly circular room with sparse furnishings. There was an ornate, wood-framed, antique full-length mirror embedded in the center of a bookcase with four shelves on each side. I set down my two suitcases on both sides of the mirror. The shelves were full of old, antique-looking hardbacks. Mostly old classics. There was a rectangular wood table with eight chairs around it: three chairs on each side and one chair at each end. The table appeared clean and had eight placemats on it. Nothing else was on the table. There was a wood liquor cabinet with the doors standing open near the table. It was well-stocked with unopened bottles of mostly wine. There was a bartender's station with three sinks near the liquor cabinet. It was clean. Clean glassware hung upside-down from overhead. Office lights appeared high on the wall in a ring around the room. There were eight of them, and they gave off just enough light to read the labels on the wine bottles.

"Cheshire, you can talk now," I said. "There are no people around."

Cheshire looked up at the ceiling. I looked at where he was staring and noticed the closed circuit TV cameras. There was probably a park security guard watching us at that very moment. I picked up Cheshire's vibe of urgency.

Cheshire dashed up to the mirror, motioned his intent to pass through and return, and then jumped through. Circular ripples radiated outwards as if a pebble had been thrown into a still, limpid pool. Cheshire returned and I saw more ripples in the mirror. I dashed to the sides of the bookcase with the mirror. It was bolted to the wall with no space behind it. On the right side scratched in the wood was a name. Alice Liddell.

I heard loud, thumping footsteps in the stairwell. Cheshire shot me a look of extreme distress and leaped through the mirror. I dashed around, grabbed my two suitcases, and stepped through the mirror while hearing a shout of "Halt!" behind me.

I stepped out into an open woodland with two columns of card guards on both sides of me. The card guards motioned for me to keep moving and quickly formed two ranks in front of the antique mirror that was embedded in a tree. Cheshire had an explanation.

"The card guards are here to make certain that the goons who came thumping down the stairway don't come through the mirror. They are obviously unwelcome here."

"Good to hear you talk again, Cat. It's been awhile."

"Look ahead at that sign. This is definitely your kind of place."

A large wooden sign ahead had the "Four Laws of Wonderland" carved into it.

1. Share What You Have

2. Take What You Need

3. Contribute to the Community

4. Be Kind

"That certainly is a lot more straightforward than the laws of the United States," I said. "There are so many laws in the United States that no one even knows how many there are."

"Look up ahead," said Cheshire. "Is that a man sitting on that wall?"

He kind of looked like an egg in a suit and tie. He was dozing away on top of a rock wall against a tree growing just behind the wall. I walked up to him and recognized him instantly because of the jagged port wine stain on his nearly bald head. Mikhail Gorbachev. I could not help myself. I didn't intend to be rude.

"Mikhail Gorbachev! What are you doing here?"

Gorbachev roused himself from his semi-slumber and looked at me. "I've asked myself that question many times."

"How did you get here?"

"I was asleep in my bedroom. I heard a noise and saw a woman in royal robes accompanied by what looked like four living playing cards. She told me that Wonderland needed a new Humpty-Dumpty because the old one had just died. She said that I was perfect for the job. And here I am. I have to say that I get treated better here than I ever got treated in the world above."

"You mention the world above. Are we underground?"

"Wonderland is a giant cavern. Beyond giant. We are deep underground. What you perceive as sky overhead is actually a carpet of phosphorescent flowers on the roof of the cave. The flowers seem to have their own circadian rhythm. They glow during what we would perceive as daytime, and dim during what we perceive as night. They never go completely dark. Thus Wonderland never goes completely black."

"Would there be anyplace for me to stay? I'd like to at least relieve myself of my two suitcases."

"The Mad Hatter's castle is up ahead on this footpath. You can't miss his castle. He puts up anyone who is passing through. He has plenty of space, and is a most generous host. Some of his houseguests never seem to leave."

"I have a limited supply of money. Do you know how much to stay overnight?"

Gorbachev, er, Humpty-Dumpty, looked at me with a mixture of pity and amusement. "You do not have to worry about paying for things now. You're in Wonderland. There is no money here. No currency. No prices. Didn't you see the sign with the Four Laws of Wonderland when you arrived?"

"I did, but it never occurred to me that there would be no money."

"My dear, you are free of that now. You're in Wonderland. Wonderland is an anarchist commune. We have Kings and Queens here, but none of them rules Wonderland. The Kings and Queens of Wonderland rule only their own castles, no more. Hatter's castle is just down the path. He'll be overjoyed to have new visitors. He gets bored sometimes."

Humpty-Dumpty leaned back against the tree growing just behind his wall and resumed his quasi-slumber. I headed down the path toward Hatter's castle with Cheshire trotting ahead of me.

Just in front of Hatter's castle, we encountered the real Cheshire Cat.

"Only a few find the way to Wonderland. Some don't recognize it when they do. Most don't even want to admit that Wonderland exists."

The real Cheshire faded into thin air, leaving only his grin for a moment. My Cheshire and I continued down the path and were about to knock on the door when we heard what sounded like a party around the side. There he was holding court at a tea party. The Mad Hatter. He looked just like I expected.

"Come, my dear! Join us! You're just in time for tea!" He had two guests with him. One was a man who looked like a mouse. For a moment I thought he was Scott Walker, governor of Wisconsin. The other was unmistakable. Jesse Ventura, former governor of Minnesota, and once a professional wrestler.

"I'm the Mad March Hare!" exclaimed Ventura. "Hot or iced?" he asked.

"Iced," I said. "When did you get here?"

Ventura looked around. "I don't remember exactly when I arrived. I don't even know how I arrived. One morning I woke up here in Hatter's castle. Hatter told me the old March Hare had died and Wonderland needed a new one. Hatter told me I was perfect for the job."

"You certainly seem happy to be here."

"I am ecstatic to get away from all that shit going on up there! I don't know how Americans can stand it! Any other country in the world with such extreme inequality, so much destitution, and so many people in prison would have had a Communist revolution by now. Poor, white working-class Americans flock to the social-darwinist Tea Party!" Ventura face-planted onto the table. His head popped up a moment later and he reached for the pitcher of iced tea.

"Here's your iced tea. Drink it slowly. That ain't mint for garnish!"

I looked at the garnish for the iced tea swimming around in my glass. It suddenly dawned on me why it was known as a "mad tea party." The other guest was face-down in a plate of cookies and snoring away.

"He has narcolepsy," explained Ventura. "Don't worry. He can't drown in a plate of cookies."

I turned to Hatter. "Do you have any rooms I can stay in? I'd like to relieve myself of these suitcases."

Hatter chuckled. "I have many rooms available. Our March Hare can take you up. Do you intend to lock your door?"

"What?"

"Do you intend to lock your door?"

"Of course, doesn't everybody?"

"Most people in Wonderland don't bother to lock anything. Since everybody shares everything, there isn't really a need for locks."

I looked at Hatter. "I'm a woman. I still have a reason to lock the door."

"The last rape in Wonderland was in 1902 in the Queen of Hearts' castle. She had his head. It's now in the African Arts display case in her library. She had it shrunken. She said she keeps it on display as a reminder of what Wonderland does with rapists."

"I still want the key."

"As you wish. The March Hare will have to get the key from my study. All the room keys are in my study. I do keep my study locked. It's the only room in my castle that's locked. It's where I go to read. The walls are soundproof. Nice and quiet. Sometimes I just don't want to be disturbed."

Hatter handed the March Hare, Ventura, the key to his study. I wondered if Hatter had a spare key to his study, or had only one. I'd hate to use a room for which only one key existed. Ventura picked up my suitcases like they were weightless and led me inside the castle. We stopped in front of Hatter's study and Ventura put my suitcases down. He opened the door and led me inside.

Hatter's "study" was a huge library with tables and chairs everywhere. Dark wood paneling and what appeared to be gaslights in recesses in the walls. There were many chairs up against the walls with a recessed gaslight in the wall just above the chair. Most chairs were flanked on both sides by an end table. Every end table had a large supply of paper, pens, and pencils inside its drawer. Ventura walked up to a case recessed in the wall just to the right of the entrance and pulled out a room key for me. There were three keys for every room.

We exited Hatter's study, and Ventura carried my suitcases up to my room. He deposited my suitcases in the room and suggested that I unpack later. A clock on my nightstand had an electric cord plugged into a wall socket. Wonderland had electricity!

"You'll probably be here only temporarily. Most new arrivals end up living in the White King's castle. He always needs help with his gardens. His gardens are huge and feed most of Wonderland. Wonderland's water supply also comes from the White King's castle. It's on the highest spot in Wonderland, and the water is so pure it doesn't need treatment. Copper pipes carry the water down through the rest of Wonderland via gravity. No pumps needed. The waste lines don't need pumps, either. The wastewater treatment plant is located at the lowest end of Wonderland. The treated wastewater goes into an underground river. We're not pigs who would dump untreated waste directly into a river. We have high standards here."

I looked around in my room and was startled to see that I had a classic porcelain flush toilet. There was a warning on the wall in ten languages. "Don't flush toilet paper." Ventura noticed me looking at it.

"Water pressure is entirely from gravity and is rather weak. No pumps. If you try to flush toilet paper, the toilet will clog. Toilet paper goes in that trash basket. Yes, I know. Gross. The basket has a tight-fitting lid which minimizes odor."

"Just like in Peace Corps service," I said.

"You could go down to visit the White King. The White King is in charge of giving everyone their Wonderland name. He knows an awful lot about everyone who arrives here. No one knows where he gets all his information. I think he's got an internet-connected computer in that castle somewhere. If he does, it's the only computer in Wonderland!"

"Everyone gets a Wonderland-specific name?"

"Yup! I'm the Mad March Hare!" chuckled Ventura. "I'll get a water bowl, a litter box, a scoop, and a bag of sand for your cat while you're gone. Wouldn't want him thirsty and dancing, now, would we?"

Ventura led me out the front door of Hatter's castle to the crossroads in the paths. One sign pointed the way I had come which was labeled "Looking Glass Arrival Tree." Another sign pointed to "Chesslands." A third sign pointed to "Gnome Village."

"Go down the Chesslands path. When you come to the fork, take the White Chessland path. That will take you to the White King's castle. Don't worry. There are no hostilities going on between the White and Red Chesslands. Everything is peaceful. When the day comes for you to move into the White King's castle, he'll send a horse-drawn carriage for you here. You won't have to walk or carry your suitcases. You'll travel to the White King's castle in style."

I had a drink of water and some cookies, and then headed down the path to the White King's castle. I took note of where the other forks led. One was to the White Rabbit's house and Alice's house. The White Chessland was quite spectacular and included many buidings besides the White King's castle. I walked up to the front entrance of the White King's castle and was led inside by a knight. The White King was in his library and seemed to be expecting me. I walked up to his table. The White King poked a daisy in my hair just above my left ear.

"Welcome home, Flowergirl."

The End