Thank you to everyone who is reading and reviewing. I appreciate it. Happy Holidays, everyone. This might be my last update for a week or two (depending on how busy it gets with holiday stuff). I hope you enjoy. And yes, I do think Hermione is a bit selfish but I am a cynic. I think love is, in some instances, very selfish. Enjoy!

LCailan

CHAPTER SIXTY-THREE

Hermione's feet were leaden as she moved from the stone house as quickly as she could.

Draco is back.

Her head whirled with thoughts and her emotions were so out of control she thought she might go insane.

Draco is back.

In the distance she saw her family; they were tiny dots against a brilliant green, hilly landscape. She could see James and Albus cheering Leo on as he bobbed a few inches off the ground on James' broomstick.

Draco is back.

The thought echoed over and over with every beat of her heart, like a litany. Her eyes blurred with tears of emotion. Ginny sat to the side with Lily, showing her how to create a crown of flowers using what Hermione thought might be a very simple knitting charm.

Draco is back.

That same thought, threatening everything she had created, threatening her sanity, her beliefs, her resolve – it threatened the very life she was living. Seamus stood with Neville to the side and they looked deep in serious conversation.

Oh, Merlin on high, Draco is-

"Hermione!"

Ginny's exclamation drew Hermione out of her tumultuous, guilty thoughts. The breeze blew strands of Ginny's long, vibrant hair into her face and Lily ran forward.

"Did you buy the house, Hermione?" she called out.

Hermione wondered if they could tell; she wondered if he stain of her sudden and thoughtless betrayal of her new life was etched into her face, or reflected in her eyes.

She looked away from Lily and Ginny, feeling a heavy guilt wash over her.

"The house?"

She turned to look at it, looming now on top of the hill against a bright blue sky.

"I…yes, there was a…the couple there is willing to sell it and that's why…that's why it took me so long, you see."

When she did finally dare to glance at Ginny, her friend was watching her intently.

"Well, that's brilliant, isn't it?"

Hermione swallowed hard but nodded, hoping her outwardly appearance didn't give her away.

"It is."

"You all right, Hermione?"

Lily had noticed Hermione's unrest first and the brunette knelt down in front of the child.

Balls, what am I going to do?

"I'm just a bit tired, is all."

There was a silence as Hermione rose, taking Lily's hand in hers and smiling weakly at Ginny. The red-haired woman's eyes flickered with concern but she motioned towards the valley.

"The boys have been flying."

"I know, I was watching."

"Neville and Seamus have been discussing something you're going to love."

Hermione raised an eyebrow as Lily yanked on her hand insistently.

"Neville and new daddy want to build hospitals together with Ministry money! They say it's for the good of the people. Are they right?"

Hermione paused after taking in a sharp breath and looking at Ginny, who offered her an encouraging smile.

"Seamus has wanted to invest our money into something worthwhile and I suppose Neville must have mentioned the funding issue with the shelters. They both think that expanding on Neville's Clinic and building new ones in England and Wales would be beneficial. We could do what we did with the shelters; we could take in those who are hurt and homeless and help them out."

Hermione was speechless, having momentarily forgotten about the shocking discovery in the brick house.

"Hospitals?"

She was only able to utter the one word. Ginny laughed.

"Yes. God love your husband but I imagine he'd prefer working in the hospital environment over spending all his time as the Minister for Magic."

Hermione could only smile weakly as she nodded and Ginny continued.

"This way he's still involved in what he loves and investing some of your own money to help Seamus start this you would be benefiting all witches and wizards. It's really a rather brilliant suggestion."

"Sure, it is!"

Seamus and Neville had come up behind the women, both wearing lazy grins.

"I'm rather brainy, so I am!"

Seamus' cocky grin made Hermione laugh a bit.

"I'd say you were," she agreed and then glanced at her husband. "Both of you are."

Her words were sincere and she threw her arms around Neville to hug him tightly for a few seconds.

"I can't wait to get started helping," she said against Neville's shirt.

He pulled away from her and when Hermione gazed up into his eyes she almost expected that he'd be able to tell what had happened in the brick house. But all she saw reflected in his brown gaze was kindness.

What am I going to do? She thought miserably.

"You all right, Hermione?"

She jumped away, smoothing her trousers for a few moments, having forgotten how well Neville knew her now.

"I'm fine. I told Lily already that I'm just a bit tired."

"You look like-"

She was thankful for the boys who interrupted whatever Neville was going to say with their whoops and cheers.

"Mama!" called Leo, running up the gently sloped hill as fast as his little legs could carry him. "I was flyin'! I was flyin'!"

Hermione knelt to gather her son and hug him, breathing in his sweet, little-boy scent. It had always comforted her during her most trying moments and this time was no different.

James and Albus caught up, out of breath.

"He was flying!" Albus exclaimed with a huge smile.

"And he was bloody brilliant!" added James.

Ginny put her hands on her hips, offering her son a reproachful look.

"What did we say about that kind of language, James Sirius?"

James managed to look contrite.

"Sorry, Ma."

Then he perked up again.

"But he was brilliant!"

Leo beamed up at his mother.

"I'm bwiliant."

Hermione laughed, her eyes watering.

"Yes, you are."

Seamus scooped Lily up into his arms and swung her around in a circle, making the girl laugh.

"What are we doin' standing around here? Anyone hungry?"

Ginny gathered their things and shrugged.

"I could eat."

"You?" teased Seamus. "Now, I could eat the lamb o'Jaysus from between the rungs of a chair!"

Albus laughed.

"Dad, that's silly. You only just had breakfast a few hours ago."

Seamus' eyes twinkled as he laughed.

"Well, I suppose you have a point."

Ginny rolled her eyes and Hermione took Neville's offered hand as she finished picking up Leo's things.

As she followed the group, listening to the light banter around her and basking in the love of the family she had created, the heavy shadow of her newfound secret loomed in the background, in the form of a lonely, brick house.

I won't think of him now; I simply can't. I'll think on it when I have more time, when Neville doesn't need my help in setting up the groundbreaking for the new hospitals. Yes, I'll think on it then.

But even as she smiled and began to talk to Lily and Albus about what they might have for supper, she couldn't shake the anxious feeling that had befallen her. What would she do now?

Later that night, as hard as she tried, Hermione could no longer not think about her predicament.

Ginny, Seamus and the children had retired to the guest rooms of Hermione and Neville's home and Leo had long been tucked in to bed and slept peacefully.

Hermione, however, was in turmoil and no less when Neville emerged from the bathroom and climbed into the bed next to her as he buttoned his pajamas. For a few moments there was silence.

She took a breath and looked at him, once more expecting him to know what had happened that day.

"Today was nice," he said softly, making Hermione feel even more horrid. He rested his head on one of his hands, facing her.

"Yes," she said tremulously.

"You liked that house?"

Hermione's heart stopped and then began hammering violently.

"I did."

She turned to face him.

"You sure you don't mind the purchase?"

"We can take care of the purchasing within the next months weeks, I'm sure," he replied with a smile. "I'd like to build in the city first but I don't see why that house can't be turned into some sort of clinic. It's plenty big enough."

Hermione nodded but didn't say anything for a few moments.

"You all right, Hermione?"

"Fine."

Then she rolled over so that she could look her husband in the face.

"Why did you agree to help me when we had that massive row about it just last week?"

Neville looked sheepish and his cheeks turned pink.

"I love you more than anything. And I admire your tenacity and dedication to what you believe in. You only want to help people, no matter who they are, and I can't forget that. It's a horrible world when one looses sight of what's important."

His hand snaked across the crisp bed sheet between them and covered hers.

"I trust your instinct and your ability to make a difference. I'm a Healer, first and foremost and in this way I'll be doing what I love. You've been through so much and you still can find it in your heart to forgive them. If you can do it, I'm going to try to be at least half as selfless as you are."

Hermione shuddered at irony of his words. She was even more disgusted with her own selfishness and frustrated with Neville for his inability to see it. Sighing, she closed her eyes for a moment before speaking.

"The Death Eaters are atrocious but all we have to do is remember that they're not all evil."

"No," Neville replied but Hermione could tell that he wasn't certain. She knew there was no way to help that.

"What about Blaise? He's determined to go through this eradication and it's really frightening. It's…"

Inhumane. For those who have been touting peace and equality, it's inhumane.

She thought of Pansy, saw her skeletal, sunken and beaten face in her mind's eyes. Saw what the Alliance had done to the ones who had lost the war – deserving or not. She looked up, searching Neville's face and he sighed.

"It is. I sit in meetings with him while I'm at the Ministry Headquarters and sometimes I don't think he's…"

Hermione swallowed.

"Sane?"

He sighed.

"I hate to say it. It's probably just the war though, wouldn't you think? It changes people; Merlin knows it's changed me."

Hermione looked down, swallowing.

"It's changed me too."

For a long moment there was nothing but silence and then Neville patted her hand.

"Don't worry. We can build in Ireland first. Seamus says that the Irish Ministry is still mostly independent from Blaise's influence. If there's…any of them that can't be treated here we can send them there."

Pansy crossed Hermione's mind once again. Death Eaters is what Neville had meant to say without saying it. She wondered if he would be so accommodating if he knew exactly what Pansy – what some of the others- had been like during those war years. She wondered if he would truly understand if he knew everything she had done and what she had offered to Draco so many years ago. That was yet another thing she didn't want to think about.

"You seem so far away, Hermione."

Neville's voice was as warm as his touch and gently infiltrated her troublesome memories.

"It's nothing," she sighed. "I was thinking about…the past, but that is nothing, isn't it?"

Hermione again searched Neville's face in the nighttime shadows, hoping it was true.

"The past can't influence the present unless you let it," he said, running one finger gently across her cheek.

"What if you feel like you can't control it?"

Tears welled up in her eyes as she thought of Draco again, how she had felt that afternoon and the old but very real feelings he had invoked within her.

Neville gathered Hermione against his body so that her cheek was pressed to his nightshirt. She breathed in the soapy scent that clung to him.

"Hermione, I know your past is a horrible one and I don't understand why you feel you can't share it," he began.

She was sniffling.

"But I promise you that so long as I'm in your life I'll try my best to make your future a better one."

He pulled away from her so that she was gazing into his eyes.

"And you try and promise me that one day you'll trust me enough to share what you've been through."

There was hope shining in his eyes and it broke Hermione's heart. How could she share with him the things of her past if that would change the way he looked at her? She knew that he resented the Death Eaters already. Wouldn't more evidence to fuel his conviction only make things worse? She already knew that Neville resented Draco somewhat. How could she make that worse?

Cupping his face in her hands, Hermione leaned in to kiss him.

"You sweet, darling man, I do trust you!"

Her whisper was emphatic.

"And I love you. So much, Neville. You do believe that, don't you?"

Her eyes were wide and searching and a smattering of fear lay in their depths. He pulled her close once again.

"Of course I do," he assured her. "And I love you too, Hermione. You know that."

Hermione wiped at the tears that had escaped her.

"I know you do," she said tearfully. "And I just want you to know that I never…I never want to hurt you. And I don't mean some of the things I've said and many of the things I've done and I just…I don't…I don't deserve you!"

Her guilt had driven her to tears and Neville held Hermione closely, whispering soft, sweet things into her ear before pressing a kiss to her forehead.

"Of course you deserve me. You deserve only the best," he said in the familiar, self-depreciating way he had. She smiled at his weak joke through her tears.

"You are the best," she said tightening her hold on him. "And I promise you we'll have the life we both deserve. A life where you can do the things you enjoy and where we raise our own children, together."

I can't do this to him! I'm going to tell Draco he has to go; it's too late for us. I won't hurt Neville; he's my husband I love him! That's all; I just have to be strong.

She stroked his hair absently and allowed his kisses when they came. Then they lay back against their downy pillows.

"I hope so," he said wistfully.

Hermione knew that he wanted his own children; they had been trying for some time. Neville loved Leo but she supposed having your own child was different.

They lay together in silence before Neville spoke again.

"Sleep now. You'll feel better in the morning, I'm sure of it. And if not, I'll fix you something I was working on a few months. Kind of like a Calming Draught."

She shifted in his arms and then kissed his cheek.

"Thank you."

There was no more talk after that and Hermione listened as Neville's breathing grew slower and deeper, signaling sleep. But sleep did not come for her, not for a long time. And when sleep did claim her, her dreams were dark and anxious.

The following day dawned bright and beautiful, bellying Hermione's dark feelings of anxiety and dread at having to face Draco once again. She fixed Leo his breakfast and then convinced Ginny to wait for her until she returned from a "business" meeting.

She hated lying to her closest friend and especially her husband but Hermione's heart leapt in anticipation of seeing Draco once again. She packed a few bags of essentials Draco might need and even managed to pull money from her own personal savings to give to him…just in case he needed it.

An hour later she stood in front of the brick house staring up at it with a mixture of resolution and fear, both emotions roiling within her so that she thought she would be sick. Gazing around to make sure that no one was nearby to see her, Hermione raised her wand.

"Alohomora."

Her whisper caused the lock to click and quickly, she entered the house. It was cool and dusty, late morning shadows and the sun coming in through the windows causing making floating dust motes visible.

"Draco?"

She hated the sound of her own voice; it was weak and uncertain. She could not allow her resolve to crumble even though the desire to be with Draco warred violently with her conscience.

"Here."

His voice sounded musical and it sent a shiver down her spine. Hermione moved towards the sound.

"I brought food," she called. "Ham and some soup and bread. I also have a few books and a razor-"

She stopped speaking when she turned a corner and found Draco standing just inside a small washroom his shirtless back to her. His body was a painting which depicted the the horrors of war.

To the victor go the spoils and to the loser…

His flesh was ethereal and flawless in some places, scarred and battered in others. The trousers hung on his hips accentuating how thin and sick he was though Hermione still saw the glimmer of the lean and strong man he had once been. She squelched the urge to reach out and put her hands upon that body, to offer him a measure of comfort and remind him he wasn't alone.

She fought with everything in her not to do so.

"Draco."

He turned to face her, a look of lingering hope etched in the grayish lines of his face. It seemed to defy the rest of his broken countenance. There was a light glowing in the depth of his gray eyes.

"Did you bring a photo?"

Leo.

Without wasting a moment, Hermione dropped the bags she had brought and dug around in one to retrieve the requested photograph and place it into his hands. He was shaking with anticipation.

With a silence that seemed beyond the grave, Draco stared at the image of his son and Hermione felt touched to the point of tears at the expression on his face.

"That was last year," she whispered. "On his fourth birthday right after we had cake."

He nodded without looking up.

"Can I keep it?" he asked with a voice that was heavy with emotion.

"Of course, it's yours."

Another lengthy silence blanketed them but it was pregnant with the unspoken things, tense with emotions that seemed to be churning just beneath that stillness between them. His fingers trembled slightly as he continued to gaze at the photograph, admiring the little boy he had never met but with whom he had felt an instant connection.

My son, he's MY son. My flesh and blood!

Draco had believed he would never recover from the pain of losing Scorpius. There had been nothing quite like the pain of losing a child – raw, bitter and so sharp that it seemed breathing was impossible. In mind's eye he was reminded once again of that day in the hospital when he had held the tiny, still feverish body of his dead son, rocking him back and forth…back and forth.

This boy in the photograph was a ghost of Scorpius; he was alike and yet so very different. He had the bright, gray eyes of many Malfoys before him but bore a clear, unequivocal resemblance to Hermione. He had her smile and her brown and amber colored curls.

Our son, alive and well! Our second chance when the first had been taken from us! Our son!

Joy mingled with the raw pain of loss and regret. Joy worked with fervor to make Draco weep but he would not. He remained stoic. Suddenly he glanced up at Hermione his eyes so intense that she stopped breathing.

"What's he like, Hermione? What are his passions? What does he love? What was he like as a baby! Oh, Gods, I would sell my soul to Satan himself if I could just have the last five years with Leo!"

Tears seemed to threaten him and his handsome jaw trembled.

"Does he speak? What does his laugh sound like? Does he remind you of me?"

Though Draco seemed determined not to cry, Hermione eyes had flooded with hot tears.

"Every day," she whispered sincerely. "I'm reminded of how much he's like you, Draco. Every day, more and more and I want to scream because you haven't had this chance to know him!"

They stood helplessly facing one another the chasm between them a wide and dark one.

"He was a good baby. Sweet and playful. He hardly ever cried except if he was hungry or needed changed."

Her voice trembled with emotion.

"He walked and talked long before other children his age and I…"

Could she tell him? Would it help Draco to know that she had thought of him every time Leo had reached a milestone? That her heart had broken for every day he wasn't there to watch his son grow up?

She couldn't.

Smiling, Hermione locked eyes with Draco.

"He's a happy little boy and has never wanted for anything. He's safe and loved, I promise."

Draco's face twisted down into a scowl.

"And that's supposed to make this guilt go away?"

His fists clenched in anger.

"And all the years and the fucking mistakes I've made disappear? Fucking hell, Hermione! I'm paying a price I don't want to bloody pay! You act like it's supposed to be all right that some other stupid sod is raising MY son?"

Hermione blanched, taking a step away from him and into the deserted hallway. Draco kicked the first bag in his way and then kicked the second.

"You wanted me to stay, didn't you?" he spat at her, his eyes snapping violently. "Why? WHY? So I'd be tormented day and night about the things I did and everything I've lost?"

Tears of shame burned her eyes.

"N-no, I just…I…I was being selfish, I'm so sorry!" she cried out. "I wasn't thinking of you; I wasn't thinking of anyone but myself and those feelings that I felt when I first saw you again…they…they made me forget!"

Her fingers were trembling as she moved to wipe away her tears, wanting to beg him to understand. For a moment there was a heavy silence and Hermione was unable to look at Draco.

She felt his touch after what seemed like a lifetime.

"Hermione, I didn't mean to make your life so complicated."

She couldn't look up at him because she didn't trust her own feelings, afraid that her heart would betray her mind.

"I only wanted a moment to look up on you, to know you were safe before I moved on."

His voice was contrite and her tears only came more quickly.

"And I shouldn't have been so selfish," she muttered, nearly moaning at the aching of loss that had begun in her heart.

"I'll go."

She nodded.

"I know. And I hope…I hope that…"

She fell silent, shuddering. To let him go was nearly impossible but she would do it. She had gone through worse before, hadn't she?

"I'll help you, Draco. Help you leave if I have to so I know you'll be safe."

His brow furrowed.

"I won't put you in jeopardy," he said firmly with a head shake. "You can't be involved."

"I won't rest unless I know you've gotten away safe. It's that simple, Draco. You have to let me help you."

The expression on her face was so furiously intense that Draco felt helpless to argue with her. And he was so drained of emotion he didn't even know if he could. He watched wordlessly as Hermione began to gather the bags he had sent askew and finally stooped down to help her.

Their hands brushed and Hermione was suddenly, painfully reminded of how much this man meant to her. She wasn't even able to look him in the eyes though she was desperate to do so.

"Fine."

He paused.

"How can you help me?" he asked hoarsely.

"T-there's money," she pointed out quickly. "And I'm the Minister's wife so they won't…they won't question my actions. I can help you hide and make sure wherever you go next, you'll be safe."

Draco willed Hermione look up at him but she would not.

"And what if you're found out? What if they discover that the Minister's wife is aiding a known criminal? Shaming herself with the likes of a filthy Death Eater? Soiling her snow-white reputation-"

Hermione stopped his sarcastic, hateful tirade.

"I won't be discovered, that's all."

Draco snorted.

"I'm an abomination, Hermione. You're risking everything you've built just to be here with me. Is it worth it?"

Hermione eyes watered and she reached to touch him just for a moment.

"Of course it is! You're a foolish man if you don't know how much I love you."

Her whisper was passionate and it roused in Draco the old, hidden memories and feelings he had never believed he would ever feel.

"Just because we can't be together doesn't mean I don't love you with everything in me. I'll do everything I can to make sure you're safe."

Draco wanted to let the rest of the world fall apart and just Apparate to someplace where there was just the two of them and their son. He wanted a world where they could be happy together and not the world they lived in now.

"Hermione…"

"Don't argue with me."

"As if I could ever win."

Hermione turned away from him and Draco sighed as he watched her bend over to reach into one of the bags and stand up again, clutching a small, tattered stuffed animal and a blanket in her hands. She offered both to him.

"These were Leo's."

The toy was a simple, blue and gray dog, worn and faded from a child's love. The blanket was frayed and blue.

"I wanted you to…have something of his. To know…that he was well taken care of even if you couldn't-"

Hermione was rendered silent at the sudden glittering of tears in Draco's eyes as he clutched the precious objects to himself.

"Oh, God…I wish I…I could see him just once!" he managed to choke out. "I want to know him! I want to hear his laugh to know he's mine and-"

Hermione's heart broke at Draco's poignant agony. It was unfair – all of it – being forced to separate, living different lives, Draco having to hide from the very people he had tried to protect…Hermione could name a dozen things.

But most of all, she felt it was unfair that a father be kept from his son. She took a deep breath and reached for his hand.

"I think I can do something about that," she whispered knowing once again that she was risking her new life and would have to lie to those she loved.

"B- but you told me that Leo couldn't come here?"

Draco spoke the words with a hope and hesitation that tore Hermione apart.

"He won't come here."

Her voice was flat but she was determined.

"What if…what if I helped you see him? Just for a little while? I'm good at bedazzlement and disillusionment charms."

Draco's eyes narrowed.

"You're mental and it's dangerous. What if someone caught wind of what you were doing? What if even through all your charms they have some kind of…magic that…feels out the presence of Death Eaters? You can't hide the Mark, anyway. We've all tried."

He closed his eyes wearily though the idea of seeing his son was driving him mad with hope. She was squeezing his hand again.

"I'll do what I can, I promise. I'll bring him…I can…come once to make final plans on the purchase of this house and bring him with me."

Draco swallowed.

"Oh, God…really?"

"Really."

"I love you."

"Draco-"

"I know," he whispered emphatically. "I know it's wrong but I do and I love you for trying to make this happen for me. I'll never…I'll never be able to repay you."

She smiled.

"It's me who wasn't able to repay you, Draco. I'm only glad I can do it now."

There was a silence between them again and he finally smiled.

"Tell me about our son."

And she did, staying long after she had promised herself she would and leaving with a heavy burden of guilt on her heart knowing she was going back to her other life, more confused that she was when she had come to let Draco go. Now, she didn't know if she could.