Again, boredom hath beckoned me towards this. I suppose I can't complain, since I'm actually enjoying commentating upon the masterpiece that is My Immortal.

I apologise for the random Spiderman references in this. I recently unearthed my copies of the original films, and fell in love with the hero I had wanted to be since I was a kid once more. Toby Maguire represents Peter better than any other actor can, simply because he CAN play awkward and dorky but still make it strangely adorable and sweet. That's Peter Parker in a nutshell. The new guy is surprisingly good, but he was obviously picked for the eye candy rather than his ability to mimic the character. The sad thing is, I'd probably enjoy him as Peter a lot more if the reboots weren't so fucking stupid. Pardon my French, but they're terrible when it comes to the plot. *SPOILERS BY THE WAY* Good thing they killed Gwen Stacy off. It was an act of mercy for her poor, tortured character really. Yet another perfectly good character ruined by Obligatory Irritating Love Interest Syndrome. I'm avoiding the next film like the plague. I don't want to see what they'll do to Mary Jane. *shudder*

Anyway, enjoy.

My Immortal – A Very English Commentary

Chapter Seven – Please DON'T Bring Her to Life

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life *sigh*

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. (Wait, what?!) n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! (I DO WHAT I WANT!) *puts on horned helmet and sulks in the corner* Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake! (Yep, sounds like a Mary Sue to me!)

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXZXXXXXXXXXXXXX – (Anyone else notice the random Z?)

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. (Since we've already learned the Slytherin Dorms have been moved to an upstairs location in this fic, I have to ask, don't you lot have classes to go to?) I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). (Her nail colour changed magically from black to red, so…yes.) I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. (Either that, or he suddenly realised Tara had turned him into a generic emo.) Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…

WARNING; Another ridiculously stupid smut scene coming right up! Industrial strength Brain Bleach will be available for free at the end of the chapter, courtesy of Your Friendly Neighbourhood Spiderman. (Let me dream guys, let me dream…)

We started frenching passively (Why do I imagine Enoby and Draco speaking French with bored expressions? "Eh, bonjour.") and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra (OUCH! That cannot be comfortable.) and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine.

*the retarded seal/whale sounds hath returned* (He put his 'boy-thingy' in Enoby's 'boy-thingy'? Pretty sure that's called 'docking' dear. A certain gay friend of mine informs me of such concepts periodically. He thinks it's important I know these things. Can't complain really, as the explanation is always accompanied by a hilarious story of yet another humorous failure in the bedroom department. He's currently writing a book detailing every single one. He's calling it 'Fifty Shades of Dane'. I've read a bit of it, and it honestly had me on the floor in tears of laughter.)

And we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?) (Yes, but it's also hilarious, so carry on!)

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting (Having, not getting.) an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. (How could you have never seen it before?! AGH! HOW DO I LOGIC?!) It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire!

I was so angry. (Of course you were...)

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" (WOAH THERE! That's quite homophobic, since you're implying that he has AIDS because he slept with another male. Not cool Tara, not cool at all.)

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. (Like the immature child you truly are. Why don't you go drink some milk and play with your building blocks?) Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. (So…why'd you mention it then?) I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people. (But those other people aren't important because they're not sleeping with or want to sleep with Enoby, right?)

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. (His. Name. Is. HARRY.)

And thus ends another work of art. :D

Ladies and Gents, take your brain bleach, goodness knows you need it. *swings away on web*