Your Friendly Neighbourhood LittleEnglishLass has no crime to fight today. I live in a small village too, so I can't even go web-swinging properly. Thus, another update. ^_^

Haha, Mary-Sue (welcome to my fabulous domain by the way, we have pizza and Death by Chocolate cake), I have indeed read a bit of that My Inner Life. Awful, just awful. I'm not even a massive Zelda fan, and even I could pick out what was wrong with it. I gave up after a few chapters. Glad you're enjoying my inane ramblings as much as I am. :D It's turning out to be rather fun.

ENJOY!

My Immortal – A Very English Commentary

Chapter Nine - The Great Deku Voldemort

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! (I seriously doubt you have ever read a book. The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since departed. ) dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! (I only watched the first two films, but I can honestly say, hand on heart; they would have been much improved if Ol' Dumbles was a foul mouthed old goff dude.) besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! (HAHA! SNAP! SNAP USED TO LICK HARRY! That's probably a thing. I'm going to Google it.) MCR ROX!

(I prefer Ninja Sex Party, Danny and Brian are fantastic. They sing about hard-hitting stuff. Like sandwiches, fighting karate bears and dragon slaying to impress a girl, why dinosaurs are awesome…or unicorn wizards. Check them out, you won't regret it.)

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I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco. (Oh, I have nothing to say about this.)

Then all of a suddenly, (All of a suddenly. I love it.) an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! (He can fly.) He didn't have a nose (We established this in the last sentence.) (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. (Voldy is the most gothic character in HP.) It was… Voldemort! (So…it's like Voldemort…but Voldemort?)

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away. (I never can remember all the spells in HP, but doesn't that one fix glasses or something?)

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. *the whale/seal sounds are back* (SHE THREW HERMY'S CAT AT VOLDY!) Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped. (You're not a very good sadist then.)

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" (Why can't he do it? Why is he asking Enoby? How did he know Enoby was in the Forbidden Forest? Why is he calling Harry by a stupid nickname? Why is he talking like the Great Deku Tree? HOW DO I LOGIC?!)

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. (Daniel Radcliffe looks nothing like this Joel dude. Good thing too, that Joel guy looks like he'd take my wallet if I got too close. No offence meant, he's probably a perfectly likeable dude.) I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

(WHY ARE YOU ONLY JUST REALISING THIS! THEY LITERALLY SPELLED THIS OUT FOR YOU IN THE LAST CHAPTER! WHY ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT THIS WHEN CONFRONTED WITH VOLDEMORT!?)

(WHY AM I EVEN QUESTIONING THIS CRAP?!)

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. (Is it a magic gun?) "No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"

*sigh* (So…let me get this straight. Voldy wants some random emo chick he found in the woods to kill his greatest enemy with a non-magical weapon, even though he could very easily go do it since according to cannon, right now he is basically in charge of the school. If she doesn't do it, he'll go kill Harry anyway and then kill her boyfriend, the son of a valuable member of his group. Guys…I think Voldy has officially lost it. I mean, he is getting on a bit, so it's understandable. You wanna call St Mungo's or should I?)

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. *commentator splutters into hysterical laughter* "I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly. (Okay, so you can move objects with your mind. You didn't answer the question.) "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick. (VOLDY! GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW! St Mungo's has a bed all ready for you, and you shouldn't be driving in your current condition!)

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods. (BOOM! Convenient Character To Move Along The 'Plot'.)

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) (Sadly, yes, I do get it. She's a 'satanist' so she won't say the word cross, even though she's said it several times before.) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way. (The guy who plays Draco looks absolutely NOTHING like either of those guys.)

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled. (Enoby 'expelled' words? How does one accomplish this feat?)

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.

(Watch out for the Womping Willow-*SLAM THWAP THUMP*-nevermind.)

Well, there we go. We managed to survive another chapter of this junk! YOU GO GLEN COCO!

I'm hungry, but I really can't be arsed to move. Eh…