This is a very special chapter. For within the twisted realms of madness, there lies a hilarious inside joke often shared between a friend and me. It has become such a wondrously funny theme that we have decided to write a parody fic based upon it. One day we shall get around to it.

ENJOY!

My Immortal – A Very English Commentary

Chapter Ten – DIABOLO!

AN: stup it u gay fags *tea and Victoria Sponge goes everywhere* EXCUSE ME?! There is absolutely NO call for that kind of language young lady! GO TO YOUR ROOM AND THINK ABOUT YOUR ATTITUDE! if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!

(Translation, anyone? I think she said something about Hermy and a vampire moving houses because the muggle ones are evil. I have to say, it's very nice to see the general cooperation between species these days. Looks like Hermy's ideas are really paying off! We should pay more attention to this SPEW thing she's got going.)

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I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. (I wouldn't be. The old codger is currently standing in Sainsbury's and smiling at the cheese. Oh no, sorry, that would be Voldemort. I don't know who this Vlodemort is actually. He sounds Russian. I'd invest in some bodyguards just in case.) I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. (That is the stupidest band name ever.) I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. (Of course you are…Sues always are.) People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. (That would honestly sound terrible. All those disconnected styles and clashing genres…*shudder*)

The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo *splutters into uncontrollable laughter* now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid. (I can see that actually. Hagger would be great in a metal band. He's got the wild hair and the deep voice, all he needs now is some makeup and a guitar!)

(However…I feel like I should explain why I find 'Diabolo' so funny. Now, it may not seem massively amusing to those outside my social circle, but I assure you, to us it is comedic genius. One lazy day in college, we found ourselves listening to "Cry and Friends Read: My Immortal" on Youtube. Needless to say, it was hilarious. Now, the 'Diabolo' misspell is funny in itself, but it becomes side-splittingly funny when you consider the fact that a book series I recently got my friend into (it's called Vampirates by the way, by Justin Somper. Amazing storyline and fantastic characters) contains a pirate ship called 'The Diablo' within its marvellous pages. Soon, we found ourselves forgetting our work and instead thinking of ways to parody the series with My Immortal references. Some of the results had us rolling around on the floor. )

(Now you know, though I doubt you found it as funny as we did, unless you happen to be a fan of the series. WHICH YOU SHOULD BE! Go read that instead of this. :D Seriously, you won't regret a moment of it.)

Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too (NO HE ISN'T!) and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) (You just did, Einsteinette.) or a steak)(I think you'd have an extremely confused vampire on your hands if you hit them with a T-Bone. A real one would probably shove it down your throat. Unless they were the unendingly sweet Lorcan from Vampirates...then he'd be more likely to either laugh nervously and back away or just simply back away.) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. (That is not a depressing film. Bittersweet, yes. Depressing, no.)

I put on a (NOBODY CARES WHAT YOUR CHARACTERS ARE WEARING UNLESS IT IS IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT OR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!) black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not.

(See, it's these blatantly contradictory sentences that really make me wonder if Tara was actually being serious or not with this fic. My gut says she was serious, but perhaps Raven had some more sense and slipped a few sarcastic comments in during the edit. Oh and by the way, we've already established that Enoby was a virgin before she slept with Draco. We know she isn't a 'slut' in any sense of the word. And besides that fact, enough with the women shaming going on around this site! It's beginning to grate on me. You're not helping yourself gain equality by shaming or demonising any sexually active female characters! STOP!)

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears. (Again with the 'bust' thing!)

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice. (She determinedly asked you what was wrong? Fair enough. Maybe she noticed Enoby was distressed but didn't say anything until she knew for sure?)

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. ("Gee, thanks. I only asked you what was wrong. Fuck you!" would be my response.) And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came*giggle* and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears. (That has to be the single longest line of dialogue in this entire fic. And again with that 'bust' thing…)

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall. (He was behind a wall?)

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?) (He did say muggle, I'll give you that. But as for everything else…yes. Completely OOC. 1/10 points.)

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. (NO! WRONG!) Then he ran out crying.

We practiced for one more hour. (What a considerate girlfriend you are.) Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache. *sigh*

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. (How the FUCK!? IS HE YODA?! I bet Yoda could pull that off. I like Yoda. :3) (c dats basically nut swering (IT'S NOT SWEARING AT ALL!) and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) "Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists."

*slowly puts hand up*

(Good sirs and madams, if I may have the attention of the court? Thank you. I bring to your attention, a piece of evidence regarding this apparent character suicide case which I think you will all find particularly interesting. *ahem*) "…Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too…"

(Your honour, I rest my case.)

*sits down*

"Tara, you are henceforth found guilty of the heinous crime known as 'Breaking Continuity'. Normally the sentence would be light, as it is expected that authors may forget certain tidbits throughout the course of their story…but to do it within the same chapter and make it an important…ah…'plot' point? INEXCUSABLE! You will be taken from this place to the gallows forthwith, where you shall be hung by your neck until you are DEAD! DEAD! DEAD!"

*BANG*

"LYK OMFG U FKIN POZER!11 CNT U C HO GOFFIK I AM?! CRONTUPITY IZ 4 PREPZ LYK OMFG!11"

"Officers, if you would please remove this girl from my sight. Her voice sickens me."

Ladybirds and Jellybeans, thus ends another chapter of madness. BE WARNED! Brave wanderers of these realms, your path grows darker now. The foul, spindly fingers of insanity itch to scratch at you all, and they slink ever closer. Take heed of this warning, my dears, for the next instalment of this wretched saga takes us off the beaten path, and into the stinking marshlands beyond! Steel thy hearts, brave ones. Guard each other as brothers and sisters.

Hope you enjoyed!